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A Love Quote
At this point in my life I'd like to live as if only love mattered. --Tracy Chapman



Tales of the Ex @ RomanceClass -
Left Behind

Have you ever felt trapped in your own feelings? As if your body was the cage and your feelings were the prisoners. Lately, this is how I feel; yet I have no one to talk too. I have no one that will listen without judging and without taunting me. For this reason, I decided to write a story about my experience and about how I feel. It seems like now my computer is the only source of inspiration.

I was 17 when I met him, and now I know that I will never forget him. He was my first love, my first touch and the man who taught me how to love. Today when I think about him, my throat hurts and I feel like I can’t breath. He was the most beautiful thing that life could have given me. He was more than just my partner; he was my mentor, my coach, my guide, my family, my brother and my best friend.

We became friends in August, and by November we were a couple. At the beginning, we lived in our own little euphoria. We were like newly weds. When we saw each other, there was passion, love and friendship. He was finishing college and I was finishing high school in separate cities, but that did not matter, we still managed to see each other somehow.

After a year, our families began to fight over petty issues, and we always felt stuck in between both families. We even got to the point of fighting with each other over our family’s issues. However, despite the distance, the conflict and the tension between us, we still managed to forgive each other and see each other.

When I turned 20, my best birthday present was that he moved to my city to be with me. A few months later, we moved in together and began our own little family. We had a fish named George and a turtle named Jeffrey. At first, everything was perfect, we felt as if there were no differences between us. We both started new jobs and I was in college. I was so excited that we lived together that I wanted to be with him all the time. It was almost like I wanted to catch up for the time we had spent in different cities. He always said I was “to needy” because I demanded a lot of attention. Oh well, I bet now he does not regret all the time he spent giving me attention. All my friends told me that our relationship was “too perfect” because we never fought and we were so deeply in love. I thought they were just jealous because they had so many issues with their men. By the New Year however, things changed between us and I realized that my friends were right, life isn’t always perfect. He had trouble keeping a stable job and indirectly that put a lot of pressure on our relationship. Those were the most difficult times of our relationship. He was frustrated because of his job situation and I was frustrated because I felt like I had no control over his job situation. When he lost a job, it felt as if I had lost my job as well. We would talk about it and then we would cry about it together. It was difficult for him to stay optimistic after so many disappointments, but I felt as if I had to stay optimistic for both of us. I always told him never to give up; I knew that we could get through anything together. I think anthing is possible if there is love. There were times when we were both so sure that he would get a job, but at the end he was almost always second best in the cooperate view points.

In the middle of our struggle, he had many petty jobs. He cleaned roofs, drove forklifts, packed invitations and cut carpets. It was difficult for him because he is an animator, but what kept us going was always our love. He would come home and remind me that he was doing all these jobs for us; to help us survive. Today, I remember those days with nostalgia because no one outside of my family has ever done that for me. Despite everything, I was positive we were going to be together forever. Who would have thought that our strong bond that was unbreakable would be torn because of this same job situation? Well it was.

By August he finally got the opportunity that he was waiting for. He was offered an opportunity as a graphic specialist in his town, where he went to college. The day he got the job, he called me on my cell phone and told me he was leaving. I was happy for him, but I was also in shock for is departure. Since I was in school and I had a good job, I did not feel like I could just walk out and leave in one week. At first I did not know how to react, but then I ended up giving him an ultimatum. I told him that if he left, our relationship would be over. I did that for two reasons: the first reason is that, I felt insecure because he told me about the job at last minute. The is second reason is because I felt as if he was not thinking about our relationship. But now I think that I acted in a very selfish way. I think back and I know I was not thinking logically. I was thinking with my emotions and with the pain for him leaving and not working it out with me. Even after he left, I spoke to him with insecurity and with pain. I told him things just to hurt him because he had hurt me so much just by leaving. However, deep down in my heart I knew I still loved him and he still loved me. Even after he left, I still had hope that we would get back together because I knew that even if I had my degree, it would be worth nothing without him.

He left at the end of August, but I cried for him every single day in September (this is no lie!). I felt as if someone in my family had died and I knew that he felt it too. From there on out we said and did things intentionally to hurt each other. Everyone around me gave me different advise on how to deal with the pain of losing him, but nothing seemed to work. One day I got tired of crying and decided to forget about him for good because I knew that he was involved with someone else. I called my decision my healing process. That day I decided not to love him anymore. I even told him that I did not love him anymore: what lie that was. In order to get through my healing process I did a lot of things. I put away everything that reminded me of him, I cleaned out my room, I went out with friends almost every weekend, I got drunk whenever I had the chance, I got high, I did not call him, I asked him not to call me, I tired to hate him, I wrote down all the reasons why he was not good for me and posted them in my room, I did not sleep on our bed, I made myself believe he was ugly and I even started seeing other men. All of these things have been good for one thing, to get through the bad moment. Because when I stopped doing them, my heart still aches for the man I once called mi nino. Nothing I did could keep me away from his memory. There were nights where the pain was so overwhelming that I begged God to help me forget about his existence in my life. I would cry and beg God to get his memory out of my mind and his presence out of my heart forever. I would beg and cry, but nothing would work. I realized that no one could control the heart. I even had a small relationship with a really nice guy named Paul, but he was more ready to give than I was so it did not work. I thought being with Paul would fill the empty spot I had in my heart, but in the long run, it only made me feel emptier. Empty for the man I left behind.

Now it is December, and it has been really difficult to accept that I have to leave him behind. Now when we talk, we both pretend to have moved on, but I know that deep down inside we both still care. I know now that we might not ever be the same, but I still can’t find a way to say goodbye forever. We saw each other recently, and it was great to see him again, but it was the most difficult encounter because the truths came out. I looked in his eyes and saw the love he vowed had died forever and he saw the same thing in my eyes. He pretended to be fine about our situation, but the pain in his eyes was evident. I wanted to hug him and never let go. It was the encounter I will never forget. It was at that moment that I realized that forgetting about his love would not be as easy as I thought it would be. He confessed to me that he had made love to another woman. It hurt to hear the truth, but then again I could not blame him for his decision because we were apart and I do not know what he felt. Perhaps he loved her, I don’t know. It was simply a reality check for me because I felt like we had lost some of our connection and bond. We parted that night, both with tears in our eyes and pain in out hearts because it might have been the last time in a long time that we saw each other.
Now, I am no longer trying to forget about him because I know now that, that will never happen. We promised each other not to hurt each other anymore with words or with actions. We are friends and we occasionally talk, but things are not the same. Although it hurts tremendously to watch him leave, there are four things I learned though this experience. The first one is to control my impulsive decision-making. The second is not to take the people I love for granted. The third is not to pay any attention to the negative comments of other people even if you trust them and the fourth is that you can’t forget about someone you love with another person. When we first broke up, there was a lot of finger pointing. We kept on arguing about who was the victim and who was the bad person. Now we realized that neither one of us are at fault. This was an experience that happened because of the circumstances.

Although we are now leading separate lives, we are still united in a lot of ways. I know that no matter how much it hurts, life must move on. Nonetheless, no matter where life finds us, for me there is only one mi nino, and he will always be in my heart and in my thoughts.







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