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Tales of the Ex @ RomanceClass -
Somewhere along the line I took a stupid pill

Okay at 45 you would think that i would know better, but as they say - love is blind. I'd like to think that somewhere along the line i took a stupid pill, because that is the only excuse i can think of to explain how i ended up in the worst relationship of my life. It is over now after an assault hearing and apprehended violence order set for 2 years, but he still contacts me. He just wont go away. I do fear for my life but i am getting in front of myself here. Let me give you some background - and please dont judge me on my stupidity - the signs were there on the first date, but in my pigheadedness i broke the cardinal rule - i thought i could show him the error of his ways and change him. 'Gasp'. Yes! More fool I for going against the flow. Hence the stupid pill thought. I truly thought that all this man needed was some good luvin to bring him around to the reality of life... that life is good and that we have to treat everyone with respect to get respect...that life was worthy of being sober and straight...that people could change their opinions if we put effort into being goodhearted and kind. 'Sigh' As an eternal optomist i truly set myself up for a big fall.
Despite the fact that the whole town hates him and thinks him a drugged, drunkin, aggressive idiot, I thought he was just misguided and only needed to face the facts of life and reinvent himself. The cliche about horses and water comes to mind here.
Anyway, i made the stupid mistake of allowing this abuser into my life and like the old vampire tale, once i opened the door and let him into my home, that was it. Slowly over a period of a year he started to turn me into one of his kind. I must say that i didnt go to drugs, but there was one evening when he brought home a packet of speed and proceeded to spend 3 hours trying to convince me to take a 'little snort'. I was disgusted and refused but still didnt kick the bastard out. But I did begin to go a tiny bit more and more insane day by day. And he would go out every saturday and drink from 10am to 6pm then come home and tell me how pathetic i was and how i could never get another guy and how i was too old to ever find love, that i had missed my chance and had better start being a better woman for him. He would slander my friends and belittle all of interests. In hindsight these are the classic tactics of an obsessive control freak - he cant keep me if i am confident so he had to destroy my confidence and faith in all things so that i would look only to him as my source of all things. He had no regard for my happiness. All he wanted was to ride on my decency. People in town treated him better then they ever had, out of respect for me...and strangely enough he hated how people in town liked me.
My son moved out of home and to another town because he couldnt stand being around him, but still i didnt react as i should have. I still thought i could change him. I thought that all i needed was the right tactic. So i tolerated his selfsihness, greediness, jealous and aggression. I thought love could conquer all as he professed his love for me often. I couldnt believe that someone could love somebody and not want to improve themselves for them. I thought myself into a big hole.
One night i was so over his attitude that i threw the dining room table at him, sending stuff flying in all directions. I missed hitting him, but i did horrify him - one, because i am a small woman both of us were amazed that i could even lift the table all by myself (the adrenaline factor)and two, because the act was so crazy (the pushed to the edge factor). In retaliation he threw fruit at me (hit me in the head), threw a knife into the wall and punched two holes in the recently painted walls. I demanded at this point that he had to leave. The following morning he beged me to let him stay but i was adamant that i would rather die than live with him, so he asked me to give him a week to get his stuff out. He was on his best behaviour all week but on the weekend he went out and became disgustingly drunk and came back to tell me that he would kill me. I said that everyone would know that he 'did it' so he said he would pay someone to do it so that he would have an alibi at the time. He told me that someone would drive up beside me on the highway and blow me away before i even knew what was happening. I truly feared for my life but stood firm and told him he had to leave, so he pulled me to the floor by my hair and kicked me. I fought back and scratched him, kicked him in the genitals,and cursed him. He kicked in my stereo. I stomped on his clock radio smashing it to pieces. Yet he still wouldnt go. When he sobered up, yet again he didnt remember a thing and begged me to let him stay. I told him he had to go. He begged me to give him the week to find somewhere to go - and so this went on for three months. He would get disgustingly drunk on the weekend and abuse me then beg for me to give him the week to find somewhere to move to. I started playing music incredibly loud every morning he had a hangover. I stopped shopping for food and stopped washing his clothes. I slept on the couch and cried every day. Still he wouldnt go. One weekend i put everything he owned out in the front yard so that when he came home drunk he would get the hint. This onyl infuriated him and the threats started again. But he got the message and moved out. Then the stalking began and the noises outside at strange hours of the night. He would call me and tell me how horrible i was for 'making him sleep on the floor at his mate's house'. Things started disappearing from outside. I was living in constant fear and trembling all the time. I lost 3 dress sizes and couldnt eat or sleep. I looked like hell. I cracked. I drank a whole bottle of champagne all by myself then drove (proves how insane i was becoming) to his house and burst into the place shouting 'this is what it looks like to be disgustingly drunk - horrible isnt it!' He put me back into my car and said he would take me home and 'sort me out'. I drove like i wanted to die and damaged my car, he leapt out of the car and said he would come to my house - i raced home and grabbed a baseball bat ready to kill him. In my drunken state i decided that i would 'take him out' even if i killed myself doing it. When he arrived i swore at him and swung at him. He was in shock when i hit him on the hand hurting him. He rushed for me and easily removed the bat from me. I immediately burst into tears and started vomitting. I knew all was lost. I was pathetic. Three days later he came around at 11pm banging on the house for me to let him in. Stupidity struck again and i let him in. We argued and it ended with him punching me in the chest. And i snapped. No man has ever struck me...until this moment. I knew that was the end. I went to the police the next day and the court proceedings started. It is now 5 months down the track and he still thinks that we will get back together. EEk!
I shake my head in shame now. That i put up with so much, that i started turning into one of his kind - the drunken insane, that i couldnt rescue myself earlier, that my arrogance let him stay way longer than he should have, that i put up with so much and could forgive him of so much that was evil and unloving and hang onto the belief that he would one day turn himself around and become what i wanted.
i certainly dont trust myself anymore.
i hold out no chance for myself now. I am certainly not my own best friend.






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