Tales of the Ex @ RomanceClass -|
Nothing beats fresh air & sunshine to heal abuse!
The man I fell for (fell twice in 30 years) has two kids and a wife who are being destroyed but he doesn't truly care. I wasn't random like many internet predator abusers have - I was TARGETED! - by someone I'd had known for over 26 years. I no longer trust anyone.
We were intimate briefly in undergrad school. He left to go to another school in our sophomore years and in April 2002, he emailed me "out of the blue." Seems he got my email address from Classmates.com where he has contacted other old friends, too. (He has since removed himself from that site it seems.) He was unemployed at the time (formerly the publisher of a well known of a children's magazine) so had the time to IM me every day. We caught up and he quickly initiated an emotional & 'spiritual' affair. He found out that I have kids, am disabled and was divorcing due to a verbal and emotional abuse of over 15 years. (He smelled a good target!) He was extremely sympathetic about the other abusive relationships I had been trapped in and this new internet “love” couldn't have been nicer.
As soon as he got me trusting and comfortable with this emotional cyber affair and my defenses down ("But you know me! I wouldn't hurt you!!" ha ha ha), the love bombing began. In college in the 70s he never asked for my phone number, NEVER took me on a date EVER. When questioned he told me he was very "pulled back" about his emotions and trying to "be macho" in college and had a "hard time expressing his real feelings for me." And now here he was online telling me he never forgot me. My marriage to an abuser was almost over, I'm disabled and alone, estranged from my husband for 3 years at the time with 2 small kids and he's lathering me up telling me I was the one that got away. Incredible. I kept questioning his sincerity too but he seemed to be able to dispel every doubt. (salesman & marketer - aka - seducer!!)
Now fast forward up to 2002 when he's IMing me and gaining me trust because I & he KNOW each other and he would "never hurt me." Seems this man liked cybersex and initiated it rapidly. (Though he SWORE he had NEVER EVER done it before) I told him to slow down, I wanted lunch or coffee with him, a face-to-face, in order to catch up. “You’re moving too fast,” I even told him. He began pushing to meet me at a hotel right away but I told him no.
So he refused to see me, even though I was 10 minutes from his office (when he found work again), he kept telling me he "couldn't control himself" around me!! The “no lunch” but “meet me in a hotel,” was confusing, especially since he had convinced me we were “falling in love” again. He told me he couldn't see me socially because, "I’ll have to make some hard decisions about my marriage even if we just see each other as friends.” I asked repeatedly to meet his family but NO - he refused. I told him I was not comfortable getting involved with someone who was married with children, even though we knew each other. Numerous times I asked him to please change this relationship as I wanted to meet his family - figuring that would cool him off & make things more "normal." Each time he refused, despite putting me on his friends & family email list and sending me holiday cards from him & his wife and kids!
After my reality shots, he would distance himself from me for a few weeks and then come back with a vengeance. He used a lot of "confusing talk" (schizophasia) with me and then played dumb. He would twist things, making it seem like I was acting overbearing and aggressive when he had initiated, started and encouraged my interest!! Mental manipulation!!
He elicited sympathy from me by saying that ADHD was his "problem." He used that to explain his past & current odd behaviors. He told me he is on Wellbutrin, and called them his "happy pills." This new cyber love-interest also bragged that he had a friend whose mom worked at Pfizer so he could get his Vitamin V (Viagra). This he needed, 'you understand', because his wife was so cold and unfeeling towards him. He shared these things with me not as "sob stories" mind you, but as one old friend telling another the truth about how their life had turned out. He'd ask me questions about what I felt was "normal" in a long term relationship - I had NO IDEA he was profiling me!!
As much as I cared for him, I continued to attempt to help & talk to him about being more honest with his wife and to work on his marriage. In September 2002 my estranged husband hacked some files on my computer regarding this emotional affair. The abuse from my ex escalated badly! Being the sort of person I am I defended this slug. (I was being abused because of him and he is running away letting me take it.) Sharing my predicament with him, his response was to distance himself for weeks!!! When he contacted me again, it was as if the emotional stuff between us NEVER happened. When I did bring it up, I got MORALITY lectures as if I was the one who began this “affair” and NO STRAIGHT ANSWERS. As many abused women do, we rationalize this sort of emotional manipulation. I remembered him as a very sweet, quirky person in college. Yes, it was easy to be grateful for the attention and friendship because I was so isolated by divorce & illness; and rationalize away his inconsistencies. We continued talking for many months as friends yet he still refused to meet me, my family or let me meet his or in any way reframe the friendship into something NORMAL!!
And he kept toying with my emotions. He finally admitted he was addicted to online-porn, roll-playing and masturbating. He masturbated to me live on web cam once (NOT at my request) and sent me pictures of his penis and a number of pornographic images which I immediately DELETED. He started requesting I do things for him on web cam all the while telling me it was "the only safe way we could be together." I was very confused and unable to identify the game because of all the emotional brainwashing he'd done prior. Again, typical abuser - he picked an abused woman knowing how he could easily gain my trust due to our prior relationship and twist my mind. He would then apologize profusely for even asking. And then beg and be sullen when I said NO. I said in therapy that if I hadn't known him for so long - I would have drop kicked him, but by then he'd bent my common sense into an emotional pretzel.
He would justify the occasional cybersex or his love talk as being OK and then the next day or even an hour later act like he didn't remember what had happened. I am not a doctor but my therapist and I have discussed he is probably not just ADHD but BI-POLAR as well as it seems he went into dissociative states over sex and other things -- he totally changed into someone/something else, even his voice would change. He'd trivialize things. Many times he told me he was 'sick' and 'needed help' but when I offered to help (I'm a helper-type person - again, a good target) he placated me and did nothing. Astonishingly, he even told me, "I look at every woman like they are just a hole." Do these guys even remember who they are talking to?
He's a sex addict, among other things. And yes, despite what he SAYS - he does think of EVERY woman as if they are just a hole! The things he wanted to do became rougher and cruder and I continued to say “No” to him wondering WHERE he was getting these ideas from (read on - you will find out!). Even though I'd had a prior relationship with him and really loved him unconditionally, this was ALL waaaay out of character for me. I even stopped speaking to him for weeks at a time because I was so uncomfortable. But I was vulnerable and flattered by his interest so I kept forgiving and going back, telling myself, “After all, we are good friends.”
I was still being abused by my estranged husband too. I slept on the floor of my kids room for 2 years because of this. I wanted desperately to see this guy, I said I thought if he saw how much I had changed things would calm down and eventually gave him an ultimatum. 'Lunch or we stop chatting.' I gave him an out to stop. He ended up scheduling lunch--just once, in Sept. 2003. It didn't’t go well. He was stand-offish and didn't look me in the eye. The conversation revolved around pleasantries with ZERO acknowledgement of what had passed between us... He positioned us at a table where he could sit FAR away from me. Besides the remoteness and stinging reserve, the most disturbing thing he did was upon leaving. There was a short flight of stairs to negotiate. I gingerly walked by the wall so I could steady myself. I have Atypical M. S. now and my legs aren't always reliable. Rather than stepping in and helping, like most normal people do, he stood at the bottom of the stairs and backed away like I was a monster. I cried in the car on the way home. This is a pattern for most abused women. They get charmed into an emotional attachment, allow abuse in the name of love or loyalty, get hurt and begin to doubt themselves and their worth, then rationalize away the abuse when the charm is turned on again, and finally, insanely, they think they can help the guy understand what he has done and help him change and be happy! We girls can be good natured, loyal and loving idiots regarding this pattern. Sad to say, I allowed myself to become part of the pattern again, even after this lunch that demonstrated his true and evil character.
He'd manipulated me into making it seem like I was throwing myself at him when it was him who wouldn't let go. He also fancies himself a writer. He wrote extensively on ethics, morals, politics and religion and owns his own web site. In January 2004 he wrote an article that I helped him with. I then introduced him to an online female friend on the other coast who is also involved with similar issues. She helped place his article in a couple more places. I eventually learned that VERY shortly after introducing them, Mr. Scum initiated an online affair with her. She ALSO came from an unhappy marriage and a background of sexual abuse so, once again was an easy target for him. The woman on the other coast stopped talking to me for many weeks, and finally IM'd me to ask me a question about him. Until then I had NO IDEA they even knew each other! One thing led to another and after 36 hours of no sleep, here's what came out of that marathon conversation:
He had made BIG PLANS and was going to see her in another city to start an actual affair, had planned more trips for the 2 of them, gifts, money and had, for a while, prevented myself and my other coast friend from communicating. ("if you tell [her = me] she will ruin our happiness") When this woman and I did talk, we realized he was weaving a tapestry of lies and conceit, the details of which were perplexing, often silly and sometimes painful.
It became evident that he was a deeply sick person. Where the lies ended and the truth started, it's doubtful even he knew. At this point, it was obvious to me that he was not “into” me. He wouldn't admit I'd introduced them - tried to tell everyone he met the woman on the other coast via his web site. He'd had given my friend on the other coast (whom he NEVER met in person) his business phone, his cell number and a variety of ways to contact him, offered gifts, a camera for personal 'photos' and money in only 5 weeks of knowing her. He did not do these things for me, even just emotional support as a friend knowing I was taking abuse because of him. Yet when I had tried at least 4 times before to discontinue with him with this realization in the 2 years prior that he wasn't INTO me - he would come back and BOMB me with how much I meant to him and “please don't stop talking to me.“ He was still reeling me in with the obsession he'd seductively planted in my brain that somehow I could help him and that he needed me.
Remember: He'd told me he wasn't demonstrative and yet here he was telling a woman he never met he "LOVED her, never loved his wife", made plans to see her, sent her money, gave her all his phone numbers and basically chased her like a hungry wolf. I told my friend on the other coast to go ahead and be with him because obviously I couldn't help him after 26 years and I just wanted him to be happy! He never had any intention but to toy with me and then paint me to be a pathetic old woman. He'd only looked me up for a time-killing net freebie!!
But this predator shot himself in the foot first. When this sex/love addict found out we girls had talked, like most players he first spent several days trying to call and smooth it out with the woman on the other coast. He was spinning the facts, times, dates and other data like crazy. He IM'd my friendn on the other coast telling her to lay low for a couple weeks, that I was a big liar, or he would get online with the woman leaving his available light on IM so I could see he was on - but not with me!! (couldn't be bothered to BLOCK me) Psychological sadist.
The woman on the other coast couldn't get a straight answer out of him though. He told her "If you love ME, you will LEAVE me alone." And after telling her he didn't love his wife & hadn't for years, he said to "please go away and let my wife heal." Go away? Heal? He meant stop telling his poor wife the truth!! Finally when he realized he'd been totally exposed, THEN he IM'd me only threatening to tell my ex husband that we'd had an actual affair, he assured me he was a 'good liar' (I have copies of this and over 100 IMs between us). The woman on the other coast and I made a decision to turn all information over to his wife and clergyman in hopes that they would intervene. This of course, fueled his anger and he lied even more making us out to be stalkers. (Heh, do they ALL say the same crap when caught?)
He tried to send me and my friend on the other coast an "apology" - it was so lame & selfish and it just triggered trauma for both even worse. I decided to run some background checks (which it didn't occur to me to do because I had KNOWN HIM FOR so long!!) and found web sites (theeroticreview.com , escort-finder.com , utopiaguide.com , jaginfo.net ) where this predator had been posting LURID reviews of at least 12 call girls he had seen between 2000 - 2003. It simply confirmed that there was a heck of a lot more going on than just a couple bad online affairs. (He continues to try FRANTICALLY to erase them and rewrite history - sorry, internet archives still exist!!) Some of these hookers he saw PRIOR to contacting me and some during. Now we know WHERE he was getting all those rude & crude sexual ideas from, huh?
In one of the first conversations when he moaned about his wife I had asked him point blank if he'd ever been to a hooker. His reply? "Oh NO!!! I would never do THAT!! My wife and I have money and a good lifestyle and if she found out she would take the kids from me. Besides, it’s immoral." (Can you hear me laughing?)
It also seems he's registered (has been on some since about 1998) at every "sex partners wanted for discreet relationship" site on the net (eroticy.com, redpersonals.com, etc). He makes no effort to hide that he is married, has kids or even exactly where he lives! This freaked me out because his wife works at home. Any psycho could find his identity and address in a couple clicks and go there and harm his wife and/or his kids.
He has had executive jobs with child-related firms (Did any of his contracts have MORALS clauses??) and currently works for a family magazine and travels extensively. He once told me he enjoys working in industries that focus around children. Sex addiction is progressive and dangerous and its hard to say how far his has gone. He once sent a photo from Halloween where he dressed as Spiderman, his penis visible through the costume in public. He was one of the most INAPPROPRIATE people I have ever met.
The woman on the other coast has a homemade porn video he made of himself and pornographic e-cards he sent her. She also turned these over to the FBI—thinking, that the police might want to stop a man like this. It's on file. I called the Computer Crimes division and made a trip to their offices to do the right thing. They took everything from me and thanked me profusely. His credit card(s) were traced back to 1998 for phone sex, voyeur cams, thousands of online porn sites, and so on. (Most done from his home with him locked in his home office - his kids down the hall & his wife downstairs; or his work cell phone so the wife didn't see the numbers dialed) An ebook about how to make women 'sexually addicted to you' was found on his hard drive - TALK ABOUT PATHETIC!!
One of his online escort booking agencies was eventually busted and his favorite madam was arrested in a very public trial. This female sociopath plead out to only one charge (one of the other charges involved hiring and using MINORS to work for her!), but thank God for something. The local Dept of Investigation & the District Attorney's office was involved, as well as the State Attorney General. His wife has been told everything but has decided to stay and stick her head in the sand preferring to believe his lies. Because I haven't kept his secrets and had contact with his other targets, He and his wife tried to charge me with harassment! In order to try to stop me from telling the police he was a john & a pornographer! Yet I had cut off contact long ago! By sending copies of everything I now had on the guy to the detective they involved, He and his wife’s bogus harassment accusations stopped. We did find out he convinced his wife (and others) that I masterminded everything (LOL) and I "planted" it all. He tried to tell people the woman in California was harassing him too. HA! He is good at what he does, casting his demons onto others and convincing those in his life that HE is the victim. (projection & blame shifting) No he is a NARCISSIST & PREDATOR!
Fortunately, I saved many of the conversations and IMs with the source codes so I can prove this is false, if need be. And a lot of it is in the hands of the police now as well. The tormentor also claimed that I and my friend planted the stuff on the escort review boards, but fortunately he paid with his credit card, internet archives and the ISP information bears me out. Also, it was discovered he has a pattern of sniffing out women who have been abused in some way or are in emotional pain and swoops in like Prince Charming and once he's done using them - he's on to something else and blames them for his leaving. (Typical Narcissistic pattern) All the while banging hookers & writing articles for his web site (Most of the articles are total rip-offs of other writers and his writing is atrocious!!)
He emailed ANOTHER one of my friends 5 months after it all, probably in an attempt to start another illicit relationship, and has been found going to web sites I frequented, doing searches on my name, no direct contact though - the coward. I found he'd tried to start up with a yet a 3rd friend of mine while he was using me as well!
I am still being treated for PTSD to learn how to overcome the pain and memory of this. I am also dealing with the lifetime of abuse and the knowledge that the ONLY reason he bothered to look me up was to target and abuse me all over again. Additionally, he was using MY friends for his personal sex dating service! Both the woman on the other coast and I are now divorced - but he somehow schmoozed up the wife and is still married living in a high-end area.
He's a sexual addict, a destructive narcissist, an emotional & psychological sadist and an internet vulture preying on vulnerable women. In addition to being a "sex hobbyist" who pays to f*** high price whores. (He should be spending that money on his family or a psychiatrist!) He now says he's been told not to contact any of us because WE are a "temptation" How is this a temptation exactly, when HE initiated these (and probably other) relationships? LOL How nice - all those years and this coward can't look me in the eye, REALLY acknowledge what he did to me and apologize. I was his friend for over 25 years and now he runs like a coward. He just doesn't want anyone around who knows the truth about him.
He's said he's keeping himself to 'family only' these days... but its only a matter of time before he tries to give some woman his "poor me" crap again. He's already back online, using a new nickname, on Instant Messengers most of the day and 1/2 the night - probably has new girlfriends and a new brothel. And still blaming me for telling the truth.
Myself? I am being a good mother to my wonderful kids, staying out of relationships and counseling other women in abusive relationships. My advice? Tell!! Don't be embarrassed. Nothing beats fresh air & sunshine to heal abuse!
5.00 out of 5 slimes
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