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A Love Quote
Love alone matters. -- St. Therese of Lisieux



Tales of the Ex @ RomanceClass -
Red-headed Irish Girl

I can't believe I'm writing this. But it weighs so heavy on my heart each and every day that it needs to be written, at least once.

When I was 22, a very good friend of mine had a girlfriend who was from Ireland. She was 19 and very beautiful. I hadn't met her more than a few times when another female friend stopped by my parents' house and asked me if I wanted to accompany her (and my friend's girlfriend) to her aunt's house to stay over for the night, as she was babysitting their kids. She said that they would cook me dinner. I thought 'hmm, two girls want to cook me dinner?', and away we went.

We had some drinks after the kids went to bed, and my friend's girlfriend started getting very 'friendly' towards me. She was playing 'footsie' with me under the table and giggling like crazy. I thought she was cute.

Later on, the girl who was babysitting had fallen asleep on the couch. I was sitting at the end of the couch, and my friend's girlfriend came and sat down next to me. The couch was so small, our bodies couldn't help but touch. I remember feeling a wonderful nervous excitement. After a few minutes, she rested her head on my shoulder. I don't know if she even looked up at me, but instinctively I kissed her - and the world changed.

That was probably the best kiss of my life until that point. I never felt so much in a kiss before. I was shocked. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I knew that I shouldn't be kissing my friend's girlfriend, but this is obviously what she wanted.

Some time went by, and eventually our friend woke up. She was going to go upstairs to bed. I was lying on the floor getting ready to go to sleep and my friend's girlfriend came over to me and straddled me, holding my arms down over my head. Our friend told her 'come on.' She wasn't going. Our friend again said 'COME ON!' and my friend's GF replied 'I'll be UP IN A MINUTE!!' Our friend went upstairs to bed.

I kissed her and kissed her and it was wonderful. We 'fooled around' a little bit, but I stopped short of having sex with her, as I didn't want her to think I was a complete animal or something. A while later, I told her that she should lie on the couch so that it looked (to our friend) that nothing happened.

The next morning we were able to steal a kiss, and it was even better than the night before. There was no more alcohol involved, so it was REAL. I gave her my telephone number. We all left in my friend's car and went to get breakfast. I sat across from her at the restaurant and she was playing 'footsie' with me under the table again, and singing that song from Grease 'You're The One That I Want - hoo hoo hoo - HONEY!' while looking into my eyes. On the ride home, she was sitting in the front seat and I was behind her in the back seat. She kept reaching her hand behind her to touch my ankle. I was completely high on excitement.

Later that day, she called me. She sounded so nervous to be calling me. Her voice was shaky and timid, but cute with her alluring Irish accent. I sometimes had trouble understanding her, but I loved that about her.

I asked her why she was doing this; she was with my friend. I can't remember exactly what she said, but it basically came down to that she wanted to be with me. Over many phone conversations she had said the sweetest things to me. The one I remember the most was 'I miss you so much, it hurts.' That totally blew me away. I knew exactly how she felt. I remember one early conversation where I told her that she would get sick of me (insecurity rears its ugly head). She countered with 'No, I won't. You'll get sick of ME!'I assured her I wouldn't.

Since she and my friend were still technically dating, we had a few secret dates. In a later phone conversation, I asked her what she was going to do about her boyfriend. She told me that she was going to call him up and break up with him. I remember feeling bad for him, but if she really wanted to be with me, I wasn't going to stop her. We hung up the phone and she called me back about 5 minutes later. She said that she had broken up with him. I was amazed that she could do it so quickly. She didn't sound bothered by it at all. I remember feeling bothered that she wasn't bothered by it. But I figured that this girl knew what she wanted, and she was going to have it!

I was still hanging out with my 'friend'. He told me that his girlfriend had broken up with him. I tried to console him. I did feel bad about what he and his/my girlfriend were doing. I felt worse about the sneaky method of communication that she devised. My friend had a pager. Since I was with him most of the time, she told me that she would page her now ex-boyfriend with a code that he wouldn't understand, but I would. For example, if she wanted to meet me at 3:15 she would send 56315 to his pager. He would be confused, and I would know it's time to go meet her. We would meet a couple streets over from my house. I loved meeting her there. The anticipation was overwhelming.

I tried to break it to my friend that his ex-girlfriend and I went on a date and I basically asked his 'permission' to date her. He said that he didn't want that. So I told him that I wouldn't see her. But I still did.

One night at a club, she had told me that she loved me, and I just remember feeling so good, so happy I couldn't believe it. I had also been introduced to her family and she had told me that her family really liked me.

Because of our work schedules, we had a hard time having any 'private time'. We were both living with our parents. One day, my mother had gone out for a while. My girlfriend and I were kissing and I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs. She said yes, and the next thing I knew, we were in my bed kissing passionately and fooling around. I took off her pants and then took off mine. I was about to climb on top of her when she asked me if I had a condom. I told her that I did, but she would have to get it from my nightstand. She did. For some reason, the condom would not roll down the way it was supposed to. I struggled with it for a minute and finally got it half-way on. But by the time I was done struggling to get it on, I had lost the necessary 'firmness' to make love. This being our first time in this situation, I was extremely nervous to begin with. The malfunctioning condom didn't help, either. For some strange reason I asked her if she wanted to go downstairs. (WHY DID I SAY THAT??!!! WHY? WHY? WHY?!!) My mother came home as she was getting dressed, so it wouldn't have been a very long encounter, even if we did make love. When we got downstairs, she told me that I didn't have to be embarrassed. I told her that I wasn't, although I guess I was a little. But I thought she was so sweet and understanding for saying that. I knew that we would have another chance to make love eventually.

About a week later, I could hear something in her voice on the phone. She was very cold, very distant; I could feel it. I asked her why she was being that way and she just blew it off. We might not have talked for a couple days, so I had her ex-boyfriend/my friend (that's a whole other story) drive me up near her work. I walked the rest of the way. I saw her car and waited for about an hour. Finally, she came out and she gave me a ride home. I remember the conversation being 'weird'. I can't remember what was said. But I do know that I was hopeful about us.

The next day, after I tracked her down at another job, she finally agreed to meet with me later. I walked to meet her and got in her car. She looked cold and distant. She had sunglasses on and I couldn't see her eyes. She told me that she didn't think that we should see each other any more. I asked her why and she told me that it's just not fun any more. I asked her if she just did this because it was 'fun' - (ruined friendships, lying, etc.). I asked her to remove her sunglasses. I couldn't see what her eyes were saying. She told me that she just needed time to be by herself; she just needed 'time'. I asked her how much time she would need. I asked her how she could tell me she loved me? How could she be ready to have sex with me just a few days ago, but now she doesn't want to be with me? I can't remember anything else she said. I was so upset that I took the keys from her car and started walking away. She followed me telling me that she had to go back to work. I was a few feet ahead of her and I yelled to her that I was going to screw up her life 10 times worse than she screwed up mine. I remember her yelling back 'Go ahead. Ruin my life.' in a defeated tone. I felt bad and I threw the keys back to her, turned my back and walked home ready to die.

A few days went by. I was with two friends; one of them the girl that I had previously baby-sat with that fateful night. The guy friend eventually made a crack about me being 'impotent'. I asked him if he was serious and he said my (now) ex-girlfriend told the girl passenger that I was impotent. I asked her and she confirmed it. I told them that it was completely untrue.

Shortly after that, I found out that she wanted to go back to her ex-boyfriend (my friend). I told him all the bad things that she said about him, and made sure that he didn't take her back. I just couldn't live with that. I thought that maybe if she couldn't be with him, she would be with me. I hoped every day that she would just call me. But she never did. I tried to call her once, but she pretended that she was her sister and said she wasn't home. And all the time, I had to hide my sadness around my friends and act like it was no big deal. But it was the biggest deal of my life. She broke my heart so badly that I don't think I will ever get over it. I mean, this was 15 years ago and I still think about her every day.

Shortly after I had given up hope, I went looking for an Irish girl with red hair to 'replace' my lost love. After a few months, I found one and eventually married her. After 4 years and one child, I left her. The sad part is that she really loved me (and she still does). I feel terrible about that. She knows this story and why I went looking for an Irish red head. I told her when we met.

My lost love from across the sea is now married (she has been for quite some time now) and has 2 children. The girl looks just like her mother. Beautiful. She is married to some man, spends time with him, loves him, bears his children, wears his name. Maybe he doesn't know how lucky he is. He couldn't possibly know that I am pining for my lost love; his wife. I think about her every day. I dream of her frequently. I am under her spell. Sometimes I can't sleep because I think of all the things I could have done to keep her. How I could have done everything right. How I just should have said that no, I didn't have a condom.

To be honest, I don't even really know why she broke up with me. I've had 15 years to think about it, and it all keeps coming back to the time with 'the condom'. Maybe she really thought that I was impotent, and thinking ahead, maybe she wanted to have kids and figured that I couldn't perform or have kids or something, and that's why she wanted to go back to her boyfriend. This keeps me up at night. Knowing that if I just made love to her once, that we would still be together. Somehow, I would have 'imprinted' on her and she would still love me. I now wonder if she hates me or even thinks about me, because I think about her all day long, every day. I think about how I never had a birthday with her, or a Valentine's Day, or a Christmas. Every time her birthday rolls around, I wonder what she's doing; if she's happy. I guess I wonder that every day.

So, to my lost love: I still love you. I always will. And I miss you so much, it hurts.

The words of Amy Grant's song 'The Prodigal' express my feelings exactly.

I face the day again
Against the window pane.
I remain your closest friend,
And wish you back again.
You wonder how I feel;
You think you've pushed too far.
If only you could see this pen
Scribbling down my heart.
I'll be waiting.
I may be young or old and gray,
Counting the days,
But I'll be waiting,
And when I finally see you come,
I'll run when I see you--
I'll meet you.
But still the days drag on.
Why did you decide to go?
Did you only need to see
What only time can show?
I'll be waiting.
I may be young or old and gray,
Counting the days,
But I'll be waiting,
And when I finally see you come,
I'll run when I see you.
And even if
You never do return,
Still I will have learned
How to love you better.
I'll be waiting.
I may be young or old and gray,
Counting the days,
But I'll be waiting,
And when I finally see you come,
I'll run to meet you.
I'll be waiting.
I may be young or old and gray,
Counting the days,
I'll be waiting,
And when I finally see you come,
I'll run to meet you.






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