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A Love Quote
We cannot do great things on this Earth, only small things with great love. --Mother Teresa



Tales of the Ex @ RomanceClass -
Jaded and cynical

I'll warn you right now: this one's kind of long and a little wordy. If you don't think you can take it then get lost. Now.
As you can probably tell, I'm not in the best of moods. I never am anymore. Just yesterday I wanted to throw myself in front of a bus, and I almost did. And I just remembered today's her birthday, which sends me further into my own personal abyss. Perhaps I should explain. Here's my story:
I've been friends with this girl since we were both 7. We were close, and the best of friends. I had a crush on her since I first saw her, and later learned when we were 10 that she had a crush on me, too. We wanted to be close, but we were afraid that people would point and stare, and at that point in our lives we didn't want that. So we never acted like bf/gf, just friends. Then, one day when we were 12, on the day I was going to tell her that I loved her, I found out she moved 3 hours away to live with her mother. It was devastating, particularly because she never even told me about it. That night, she called to tell me she'd moved, and that she was sorry for leaving. We talked on the phone every night for about a month after that. Then the calls just stopped. I was unhappy and it felt like a part of my very soul had been taken from me.
I spent the next 4 years feeling empty and never truly happy, sad, angry, or anything. Those feelilngs were relayed and acted out, to cover up the fact that I was an empty shell of a human being. All I ever really felt was emptiness, and some faint hope that maybe I'd see her again.
Then, about 5 months ago, I decided to search her name on Facebook. I saw a picture next to her name. It was a little different from what I remembered, but I could recognize the face. It was her. After those 4 long agonizing years, I'd finally found her again. I emailed her, and she told me she'd remembered be, saying "Of course I remember! How could I ever forget you?" We talked on MSN for a while, and I gave her my number and she called me. We talked until 1am in the morning, and I told her what I'd meant to tell her the day she left: "I love you." To my surprise, she told me what would complete me as a person, "I love you too."
I was happy for the first time in four years. I had my best friend back, but this time we were more than just friends. I felt complete. I actually felt like somebody, like I mattered (to which she told me "You are somebody. You always were.") We stayed up late and talked on the phone, MSN, whatever we had. I even went there a couple of times to be with her, and both times pretty much all we did was make out (we would've gone all the way, but before we did one of her friends came over, saying she wanted to meet me). It was the high point of my life.
Then, sometime in January, about 3 months ago, things started getting quiet. She didn't call as much, and we didn't talk as long as we used to. I knew something was wrong, and I started feeling depressed for what seemed like no reason. I thought it was just me missing her. I know now what it was: foreshadowing.
January 29th; I'll never forget it. That was the day I died inside. She told me that she didn't love me anymore, and felt "confused" about me. She told me that she still wanted me in her life, though, and just wanted to be friends. I agreed to it, simply because I still loved her and didn't want to be out of her life. Then, about a week later, I found out she was in a relationship with some other guy. What's worse, she was telling people about it and put it on facebook, which she never did when we were going out.
I blamed myself for it all. After all, I was the lousy conversationalist and the shy, slightly introverted one. I felt like I'd failed at finding and keeping the one thing I desired above all else. I felt like I didn't deserve love. I felt like I didn't deserve to live. And yes, I have thought a lot about suicide, and attempted it once. Nowadays, about 2 months after my suicide attempt, things aren't much better. Me and her don't talk as much, and she doesn't have much patience for me anymore. And everytime I think about her, I get sick to my stomach. And when I think about her being with someone who isn't me, I want to die. Every night I go to bed and hope I never wake up. I hope that somehow I die quickly and out of nowhere. I've prayed for God to end my life and seal me in my own permanent never-ending sleep (this hasn't happened yet; Therefore, there is no God.) I've been trying to get help for my severe depression (and a couple other disorders that have come from my personality traits), but so far there's been zero progress.
And that is my sad story of love and loss. The lesson? Don't trust anyone, even if you think you know them. Perhaps something else to take away from this is that no matter how much you love someone, they can still betray you and shatter your very soul. One more thing: long distance relationships NEVER work.
Some final thought: Screw love. Screw romance. It's all a lie. It's only a set-up for pain and torture. Yes, I've been deeply hurt and almost killed by this, and I'll never be truly over it. I may never love again; it's not worth all that pain, and no one made me feel the way my ex did. I don't want to feel like this again, even if it means being alone for the rest of my life. I can't be saved. It's too late for me. My love life is dead. And to all you romantics, I say: Do as you will. But you'd better try pretty damn hard at what you do. Otherwise, you'll end up as jaded and cynical as me.






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