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I am too cold and too unlovable
Sometimes things happen in your life and you just take them in and sometimes you can’t take them in. Sometimes you feel so overwhelmed about the things that surround you that you are unable to speak and it all makes no sense. Sometimes the most important things in life become not the things that others want for you, but what you personally want for yourself. These things have begun to take over my mind. I am beginning to see more clearly that life is not just a ride that everyone gets on and then it stops in the end and you get off. I am beginning to see a real future in the things that I enjoy the most. For example when ray looks into my eyes, I can feel the warm REAL love that I have for him and I am thankful that I am given the opportunity to share those things with someone. I continually remind myself that I am working toward a family, but then again, I keep telling myself that I am scared to start a family and I don’t know what to do in the meantime. I feel like I am floating around hoping that someone will want to marry me, when the truth is that I am very obtainable, I am just not being obtained… I don’t know what to do. Maybe it has become the truth that I am too cold and too unlovable that no one can fully trust me. Maybe the fact is that Kyle made me unable to be loved in the real way that a Christian man is to love his wife. Have I made mistakes that I should regret? Have I made myself unattainable by choosing to be married at such a young age? I realize the mistakes that I made, but I have forced myself to believe that these are all decisions that must have been made to help me become the woman that I am today. Is this thought ludicrous? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am here and this is today and all I can do is be the better person from now on and make the best decisions. Is it possible for me to really love ray enough to know that I want to spend my life with him? This is how I feel, but is it another whim that I have allowed myself to go out onto? I know that I love him and I know that I have never been so loved back. I also know that I will never be happier with anyone else. I know that he is respectful to me and he will be a good father and he is patient and he will never hit me… there are so many things that I could go on and on but it becomes pointless. The truth is that I love him more than I have ever loved and he loves me more than anyone has every loved me, and I know that no one has ever made me happier. This must be the Christian love that god wants us to feel. And I know why. It just feels so good. It just makes so much sense. And the best part is when the rest of the world does not make sense, we do. I love that so much!
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