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He is as confused as I am
I met a guy about 2 years ago named Adam.When i first saw him my first thoughts were "Wow.He is really cute!". With the help of the internet we started chatting...only little conversations.Nothing deep.Until one year later,my friends and I were throwing a party of the year and i decided to invite him.So the day before the party we both decided to meet up again.He was nervous the whole time and ended up making a move on me,he started touching me and kissing me,but i felt like we weren't ready.I had denied him leaving him alone.
Coming the next day of the party he came and saw my new outfit and hair,he said i looked beautiful.However he seemed uneasy and kind of bored.The whole night i had asked him to dance but he always said he can't.Which greatly disappointed me.The night ended horrible and he ended up leaving.
The next day he called and apologized for his actions and wanted to meet up again to make-up for the 2 past nights.Things always seemed to be getting in the way of choice of time.Until one day i had snuck out of my bedroom and went to his house.(I had gotten a ride from a stranger i had met.STUPID I KNOW) Things led up to another and we ended up having intercourse.Although it was amazing that night i felt like a blow-up doll.Used and unloved.The next moring i had to walk home alone about 3miles.With only him on my mind and a long dangerous walk home.
The next day at school i had found out from a good friend that he had a beautiful girlfriend that he was with for 4 months.And also that he would sleep with any girl who was willing.This had come to me as a complete shock.I felt used and unwanted.I was only desired for a night and was meant for only one purpose( i haven't had intercourse in 2 years...let alone a real relationship)I was in a deep depression.And couldn't get out of it!
A week goes by and I'm feeling the same.One day he calls me and wants to hangout again.I wanted any opportunity to get close to him.I know i couldn't be his girlfriend...but i could at least be a dear friend.The night ended great.I had met his buddies and he and I ended up talking about what was going to happen to us.He said he would love to be my friend.And i felt the same.I felt great.I felt that with him...my summer would go amazingly fun.
Days turned in to weeks.Weeks into months.Calls turned into hangouts.We had alot in common and had the same views on life.I even had the feeling that he would be interested in getting to know me better.But even he himself had said to me that he thinks with his "lower-half".But thats what i loved about him.That he was truthful to me,that he trusted me with the things he said and knew i would be able to understand.
It seemed like every time we met up, we ended up having intercourse.He said i was the best and this would brighten my day.However the fact that he was still with his girlfriend always upset me.If he said he loves her.Then why is he here with me having a deep conversation about life?Why is he here having sex with me and saying I am his best?Does he tell her these things he says to me?He is as confused as i am.
Till this day the same thing is going on.Earlier i had phoned him and we conversed for about 2 hours.Telling each others plans for adulthood,and plans for the week.He is laving on vacation to Long Beach,i just hope i will be able to be fit me in his schedule because i'll make room for him.
this...is ...only the begging of my love for him
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