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Tethers made of forever
We started chatting randomly one day online. It was just a normal “hi”, but it soon ascended into a deep and intriguing conversation. We talked sporadically from then on, but always meaningful and heartfelt. We were both so cautious. We both knew that we both had problems that could scupper a relationship (we both have valid insecurities, and I’m ill), but for whatever reason, we connected. Sometimes I would be busy, but she would be waiting to talk with me, and vice versa. Our emotions were prickling, and our conversations became ever deeper; sharing dreams & secrets. We realised that it would be hard to form anything, but we were making each other so happy. We tumbled and soared, cascaded and swirled. We eventually agreed to see each other with a group of people for someone’s birthday. It was a slightly nervy at the start as we had agreed to meet up for a brief period initially before anyone else arrived. But after the ice was broken, we got on like a house on fire. Our spirits leapt, and our hearts beat in time to each others. It progressed so rapidly, meeting in person at her flat, becoming more and more intimate, her whispering “I love you”; letting it slip through her beautiful lips one night just as she was falling asleep on the phone after speaking for three hours. I held back in saying it, even though I felt it; I wanted to say it to her in person. One night after dinner, I held her close in the tightest embrace, and whispered “I love you”.
The months flew past. My illness had gone the second that our eyes had met across that crowded platform. We were discovering so much about each other and having so much fun. We could only see each other at weekends, which hurt as she was struggling with her new job, but I was there to support her through it. Although I was ecstatically happy with her, I started to look at other areas of my life which I was unhappy with. I realised that my social life wasn’t as it I wished it to be, and I despised my job. She supported me, but I just didn’t listen to her. I have no idea why, I was so foolish! I procrastinated, hoping that in a couple of months we could move in together and I could find a better job. But nothing came up, and I started to blame myself, and my old insecurities & illness returned. She became frustrated with how I would blame myself, and always be tired, but she persevered. I told her that she didn’t understand how I felt, and she would just look so desperate and heartbroken.
Eventually, she had had enough. The fire had stopped burning so bright, and was now barely more than a dull ember. We both knew it deep down, but on the surface we carried on as if nothing was wrong; hoping that fate would intervene, or something would ignite our romance again.
It never came. We became tepid towards each other, complacent, and we didn’t want to go out and explore things together; we just weren’t growing together. She made the ultimatum that I had to change; I had to become more confident in myself as I was beautiful, fantastic, and she loved me. I suddenly realised how bad things were, as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water over my shuddering body. I made progress, I put the effort in, but she just retracted away from me. She hang out more with a guy from work, we stopped talking as much, and our weekends although fun, just weren’t the same. I poured hours in, but in the wrong places. I wasn’t improving for myself, or us, but for her. I didn’t pay attention to how she was feeling anymore, but how I was feeling. She was backing further and further away, yet everything that I did to try and show her that I was changing was met with a cold silence.
Three weeks after her initial ultimatum, she phoned me up to inform me that it was over. It was all too late. She had almost stopped loving me. I pleaded for another chance, told her that I was making all of these changes. She insisted that it was too late. We spoke for another hour and a half, going over a few things. I just couldn’t let her go, as even in our darkest hour we still had that connection that so many spend their entire lives searching for.
She hung up without saying that she loved me, as I fell apart at the other end of the line. Cold hard realisation swept over me the next few days, as I documented how it had fallen apart, and how we were both to blame. I put myself in her shoes, and realised that she had made the correct decision; not only for her, & us, but also for me. I can only strive to better myself, for myself now. I just hope & dream that after enough time has come to pass, that she will come to realise how special we were together, and that we can ignite that burning furnace that kept us awake at night, eternally romancing each other across the night sky. I desperately cling onto the hope that there is some spark left in her mind. That her heart still beats in time with mine. That our eyes can still glance across a crowded station platform, and the invisible ties of love will reach out to our souls again, and drag us together in an embrace entwined with tethers made of forever.
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