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"Shut up and stop being moody!"
That was the advice my family always gave me. I wasn't allowed to feel the way I felt, I always had to pretend to be happy. Un-happy people weren't attractive, no one liked looking at un-happy people. Oh God, I hated them all...
After growing up in such a repressive environment, I wasn't exactly open with my feelings. Once I moved away from home, I could finally be the person I wanted to be - live by my rules - but life with that family left a mark. I always had difficulty saying what I really felt, for some reason, I thought it was wrong to say that, despite having a beautiful apartment and my dream job (making sets for a theatre company,) I still wasn't entirely happy. I was lonely. I had never met anyone who fully understood me.
Then, one day, one of my friends at work (the wardrobe mistress) introduced me to the new sound guy, who was a friend of her brother's. Poor her, she'd gone to hell and back looking for someone to match me with, and just didn't seem to be getting the message, I didn't have the energy for a relationship right now, not in the state I was in. Still, I went on the one date with him just to please her...and realized I really liked him.
We didn't carry on dating, but became pretty much best friends, and it wasn't long before I realized he could read me like a book. He'd ask me how I was, and I'd snap back the usual "Fine" - too scared to tell anyone how I was really feeling - and where everyone else would simply have taken my word for it, he'd say, "I don't think you are." He was always there for me, always ready to talk, and trying to help me out. He knew there was something wrong.
But my depression got worse, and when I holed myself up in my apartment one weekend, he came over and insisted he wasn't leaving until I talked to him. I came out with the usual stuff - "I'm fine, leave me alone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't need any help" - and he knew straight away what was wrong, "You're lonely, but you don't know how to let anyone in." Then he got me in a huge hug and just wouldn't let go of me, even though I shouted at him and tried to push him off. Eventually, I burst in to tears and hugged him back.
Well, one thing led to another, and now we're married. And the best thing is that I've got someone who always encourages me to say what I feel, who I don't feel shy in front of, and who really understands me. :D
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