Saying Sorry @ RomanceClass -|
The Pain of Loss
Thoughts come and thoughts go. More often than not they are just emotions that cannot be trusted. Still, sometimes they are born of truth, but until that truth is seen, they will continue to just come and go ……
As time passes, I will see I could have done things so much different. Memories will return of frustration and bitterness when a kind word or a simple gesture of love would have given me the world I have always yearned for, a world where I was loved and belonged.
Memories of times when, instead of being angry and afraid, I should have done what was needed to make you happy ……
Memories of times I abused the kindness and the love you showed me ……
Memories of how I lost my way and became a man who is ashamed to live inside his own skin ……
The price of failure is losing that same world and now so much of life is spent imagining the special moments that should have been …… memories that now, will never exist.
Once more I need to search the innermost depths of my soul and to be ready, when the truth becomes known, to be torn apart by the armies of guilt, shame and regret …… because it will happen.
In life each of us is a mirror …… what we see in others is our own reflection …… the reflection of our own inner being.
What I judge as weakness in another …… it is my own I see;
When I question their character …… it is mine that's lacking;
When I doubt their word …… it is mine I should question.
Love is a rare gift. It gives life meaning and purpose. To be loved is a precious thing that must be cherished …… but to love the same one in return is the reason why we are here. For when we see the glow of knowing they are loved in their eyes, it is then we see ourselves for who we are.
This is the glory we seek in life that words cannot describe. It's what dreams are made of …… but there is a price to be paid when such a love is lost and that is the pain and loneliness of failing to reach the mark.
But for me, the real price is having to live with knowing it was always within my reach.
They say God favours the loyal, the brave, the willing and the faithful. I think God favours us all, but when the time came, I could not grasp the miracle life offered because, when it mattered, I was not able to see.
I had a dream come true but I failed, and the loneliness and the pain, when the truth becomes apparent, is overwhelming.
I am not a wounded warrior for a warrior would have found the solid ground in his soul to face his fears when adversity and doubt are rampant.
He would find the courage and strength to hold on, to do what was right when all around was crumbling.
It is the mark of character I could not find.
So this pain is not just of losing the love of a lifetime. It is also the pain of losing self-respect. For when I most needed to be the man I want to be, the man I can be, the man I sometimes am, I became a man who lost his dream.
It's why I have to do this once more.
Too much of my life is spent blaming others, life's circumstances and the past. I waste time endlessly thinking up excuses and reasons for why, but it always comes, in the cold light of understanding, those same reasons and excuses burn away like a morning mist to show the real truth that it could, and should have been otherwise.
I remember a passage I once read …… "four walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage". I know now what that means. Life sent me an angel with the gift of life. But instead of letting it become my life, it became a lesson I needed to learn.
It was the lesson on how to love and be loved and I failed.
In this life there is only one responsible and he is writing this story.
So now, in this prison that is my mind, life is meaningless and has no direction. I wander alone in the dark with only memories of what has been lost and there is nowhere to go and nothing anyone can say ……
I do not know if I will ever find it again for "there is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries ……"
I am afraid this was my tide.
This should have been the happiest time I have ever known. A time where the gates to my paradise opened and I walked into the dream I had for my life.
But I have ended up in hell, because along the way, I hurt the heart of the one who loved me and the gates closed.
I miss you in so many ways. I miss your smile, the love you showed me, your openness and your kindness but mostly I miss your friendship and the dreams that would have come true because you were in my life.
I wish I had showed you how much you were loved but I did not. I wish you could see in me, your dreams come true but you do not. I wish you were able to forgive me for failing, but you cannot ……
I am out of your life and I am lost. Every minute lasts a day and every day is an endless torture as grief tears at my heart and regrets torture my soul …… and the days come and go without end.
There are no words to heal a broken heart. This is the worst pain I have ever known. It is a pain impossible to share and it is a story only I will understand. To anyone else, all they will see are words. They will never know what they really mean.
In the years ahead I will read these words many times. When I do, I hope I will remember why they were written.
But most of all I hope I will remember the real truth and how it all came to be ……
5.00 out of 5 hearts
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