I want to know the Details of his Cheating

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Do you have some advice for this person?

Visitor's Question:
To make a long story short. My husband cheated on me several times. Even after he was caught he still continued to lie. Now I want explicit details of the sexual acts with each of the women involved and there was more then one.

Is this wrong for me to want this and should he tell me? Is it normal to want to know theses things? I want to know what was said what happend in detail step by step. Please tell me if this is wrong?

Our Suggestion:
There are many, many stages that we go through when dealing with betrayal. What your husband did was one of the worst types of betrayal because you were married, he did it not once but several times and he lied about it. So you have every right to be upset, angry, sad, uncertain or anything else you feel. Trust is THE cornerstone of any relationship and he has betrayed that. It can easily take time with a therapist to get over this, and some women never can and move on to a guy they CAN trust and believe in.

That all being said, one of the worst parts of a betrayal is that you weren't told what was going on. This guy who supposedly is your Life Partner and sharing everything with you led a separate life. One way to deal with that is to "integrate" his separate life back into yours. And that involves knowing everything that went on. So instead of having wild imaginings of "Maybe they did this! Maybe they did that! Maybe they did things I never did with him!" you get step by step details. Now you KNOW. There isn't any more "lies" or "unknowns" or "rampant imaginings". There is just the truth and you know all the details. Now his life is a part of your life again, and you share everything.

Also now that you know all the exact details you can start to "write over them". You can do those things with him so his most recent memory of something is with YOU and not with HER. He doesn't have any "special unique" things he did with anything else. You could even prove that you were better at something than that other floozie! And maybe if it was the 'thrill' he was after, you could bring some of that same thrill into your own life and he wouldn't go seeking it elsewhere any more.

So that's all on the "up side" (if there is any up side to this whole painful situation). On the "down side", though, once you hear for sure exactly how something happened, it becomes a VERY vivid part of your imagination. Instead of just having vague "What did he do with her?" thoughts you have an exact play-by-play sequence that plays over and over in your head. You look at him and you see EXACTLY what he did with another woman and it can really get to you. It's hard to dismiss the image when it is so incredibly detailed. While vague images fade over time, those exact definitions can stay with you for years.

I would first off talk to a therapist. Getting over serial betrayal is NOT easy and might even be impossible with this guy. You will need some help in doing it and being happy with the results. As far as asking him what he did, I would maybe ask him what sorts of *acts* he did but not the step by step details. Work on overwriting those acts - but if you get into too much detail, it is going to sear an image into your brain that will be painful to live with, and will remain a hurdle to any sort of future you guys have.

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