He Lies to Me

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Visitor's Question:
me and P have been dating for almost 2 months now, and things have been going... okay i guess. but im not totally happy.. and i dont know if he is either. when we're not together i feel angry at him and i dont miss him. but when we are together, i love it.

well sometimes... see what i dont like about him is that he lies to me. i dont know if i can trust him, and i know that trust is very important in a relationship but i dont think we have that. i know that he smokes up every now and then.. and im so sure of that. i mean, when he has red eyes and acts stupid it kinda gives it away. and he always lies about it! and he never makes time for me.. well he says he does but i know that things could be better with us. he says that he tried to make it work.. but i know that he could push himself alittle harder to make things work.

its pretty hectic seeing eachother because we both work, so we get to see eachother 2 times a week at the most. and when we are together... it doesnt feel like hes trying to make me happy. i do all i can to make this work, but i dont think hes doing his part.

i dont want us to break up tho. i really like him, altho im always mad at him! he says that he likes me, and told me that he loved me before.. but he doesnt show it at all. me and him go way back... to 9 years ago, we grew up together, our families are super close-best friends. so it seems like we were meant to be together... but it doesnt feel that way. and i think that the reason that i might not want to break up with him is because i know that i will regret for some reason or another.

and i think about my ex alot now too. because i remember what me and him used to have and how strong we used to be.. and i compare it to where me and "P" are, and it doesnt even compare to what me and my ex shared. so in a way.. i guess i miss my ex. but i want things to work out with "P" because i really like him. and UHHHH!!!! see me and "P" talk alot about his ex's and he always tells me how much fun they used to have, and hot pretty they were, and that he thinks about them sometimes.

so basically im dating "P"... not being treated the way i want to... so that makes me think of my ex. i dont want me ex back tho. i dont. i wish that me and "P" could have what me and my ex had. please help me get my head straight and make a decision as to what to do because im lost.

Our Suggestion:
It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought, which is good. It also sounds like you realize that your pining after your ex is really just a sign that you're not happy with your boyfriend and WISH you were that happy with your boyfriend and want to make this work. Which is really, really good. So now we just have to make it work somehow :)

OK. So let's look at the issues. First, you only see each other twice a week. That's not bad, lots of people in relationships can only see each other once a week or less. Heck, lots of people date long distance and would LOVE to be lucky enough to see each other twice a week. So count your blessings on this one :) You can always talk on the phone the other nights, and you have time to spend time with your friends, which is always important too.

OK, second, the time you spend together isn't time you really enjoy, which makes you unhappy when you're apart. This is something you guys can work on. Obviously if you are dating someone it should be because you like being with them. You should have fun when you're together. Instead, he is showing up stoned and lying about it, and your trust in him is shot. You feel like he's really not putting his heart into it when he's with you.

So the first thing to address is his lying. Like you said, honesty is the core of any relationship and if you can't trust him with this, how can you trust him with anything? How can you trust that he's trying to work on this relationship, or trust that he's being faithful when he's not with you? It's the basis of everything.

The next time he shows up stoned, tell him you know he is. That you are NOT his mother and he needs to stop treating you like one. Lying to you is disrespecting you and NOT treating you like his partner. If he's going to do soemthing, he has to take responsibility for it! Lying about it is NEVER RIGHT. And if he continues to lie, then leave or ask him to leave (depending on where you guys are). This is a lesson he needs to learn pretty quickly. There's no way he can be a good boyfriend to you in a stoned state.

Second, start giving thought to what you want to do when you're with him. Choose fun movies to go see. Go for walks. Go roam the nearby museums. Go shopping for holiday presents. Go volunteer at the local animal shelter! If you just sit around a bedroom and want him to entertain you, it won't work. Choose things you want to do and then do them. If you have fun together, your relationship will be one of fun times. But if your relationship is just sitting around hoping fun will somehow fall into your laps, and being annoyed that your boyfriend isn't doing enough to make your world fun, it's going to have problems :)

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