She Calls to Say She Cheated, Goodbye

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Do you have some advice for this person?

Visitor's Question:
I had been dating this girl since we were 16. We broke up a couple times in college, but we always found our way back to each other. Everything was going great (at least thats what i thought). I gave her space and didn't suffocate her, i loved her with all my heart. We were talking about getting married soon and i had even been looking for rings.

Then it all crashed down. I went out with her on a thursday night and danced and laughed, said i love you. Then she calls me on Saturday to tell me that she is no longer in love with and she is with a new guy (whom she slept with the night before!) She said that she has known this guy for a month, a friend of her sisters. And now there is nothing i can do!!

If i try to contact her i know that she will be so smitten in this new relationship that no matter what i say it wont matter. how can i convince her that we were right for each other and i want her back??

Our Suggestion:
Wow, it sounds like this girl was REALLY not ready to be talking about marriage!! Not only was she not even capable of remaining true to you while you were just DATING, but she couldn't even tell you to your face that she wanted to break up, after all those years? She told you on the PHONE that she had cheated on you and was abandoning you??

That really shows a huge amount of immaturity. If she abandoned the value of a long term relationship for the rush of new-term lust, and then couldn't even stand up for her own actions and tell you about it to your face, that's about as childish as you can get. This isn't the woman you can trust to be honest with you over the years, to stand by you and to face troubles together. Her solution to trouble seems to be to run off and find the easy way out.

I would really let her sit and stew for a while. Yes, she thinks she's nifty keen right now, with her hormones rushing and the sparkly new-love feelings. But what she is going to realize in a month or two, when those start to mellow out, is that what she WANTS from this new guy is the long term best-friendship and love that she already HAD with you. That she wants trust and honesty. And that SHE was the one incapable of providing those things. And her new boyfriend isn't going to trust her long term. She's already proven she's quite happy to sleep around - how can he possibly trust her long term in a relationship? He wants his quick fun with her, but as far as having anything more serious, I doubt he will be able to trust her.

So stay out of the picture for a while. You're right, right now she is obsessed with her "freedom" and fun and those hormones. But after a month or two she is going to realize what she wants is a friend who can trust her and who knows and understands her. It won't be this new guy. If you really want her back, after the way she's acted and knowing that she's probably not learned any lesson and is likely to act like that again given the circumstances, then be a friend to her at that point and see how it goes.

But I personally would chalk this up to one of those "far better to find out before you ask the question than after the rings are on." If she is that selfish and self-absorbed that she would cheat on you and then just tell you on the phone, that's not the girl for you. There are many girls out there who would LOVE your sense of honor and loyalty and who would be worthy of it.

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