He Says he Doesn't Trust Me

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Visitor's Question:
My boyfriend and I have been on and off for over 2 years. He's been acting kind of strange the last few months so I finally tried to sit down with him and talk. All he told me was that he just feels like in the long run that he couldn't trust me but couldn't answer "Why?" He also said he's been feeling this way for a while that's why he's been going off and doing things without me.

When I ask him where he's been, he just always says nowhere. He said he tells me that because the things he does aren't a big deal. I really love him with all my heart and this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have no way of getting a hold of him (unless I catch him while he's home, if he even stays home). I don't want to lose him. Is it me, did he find someone new, what is it? I don't know if there's anything left for me to get him back and make him happy with me? If I've really lost him, then how do I get over him? Please help me.

Our Suggestion:
This is very strange. He says he doesn't trust you, but there isn't a reason. Just this nebulous loss of trust. And at the same time, he chose to handle this by running away and spending time "elsewhere" - but he refuses to tell you where? If anyone has a loss of trustworthiness, it's him. You've been there and are telling him about your life. But he's been running off and refusing to tell you where. I almost wonder if he's been the one who is not trustworthy, and is feeling guilty about it and assumes if he can't be trusted, that you can't either.

If his real only issue is this "lack of trust" and you haven't done anything to bring it on, then suggest you go to a therapist. If he spontaneously stops trusting people, this problem won't fix itself and will haunt him for his entire life. It's not about you - it's about him. So offer to go to a therapist with him even as a friend to help him through this and so you two can be friends again. Hopefully he'll go if you phrase it like that.

The therapist will then pick up immediately on his running away and on his refusing to tell you where he is going, and make that an issue for you to talk about. And if he starts trying to dodge in front of a third person, it'll be very obvious. So hopefully you can get that resolved.

The only way the relationship is going to work is if he communicates, and right now he's actively refusing to, and creating this artificial end of the relationship with a nebulous "I don't trust you" problem that is all in his head. You can't fix that for him. So hopefully having a third person show him these problems and help him over them will get you two into a better situation.

Good luck!

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