This is my first time making a post on any web site. I am a 29 year old divorced mom. I got married when I was 19 after cheating on my soon to be husband twice. When I tried to break up with him he said it was too late and that we had no choice we had to get married. Being young and nieve I married him knowing that one day we would be divorced. After seven (miserable) years and three children later I met a wonderful man, we worked very well together and I could talk to him very easily. I cheated on my husband with him and left my husband for him. Shortly after I had a one night stand with an old friend (I did not tell my boyfriend) and had three more with in 3 months of us being together. After the last one I realized how much my boyfriend ment to me and did not want to hurt him so I stopped and told him I loved him. I swore to myself I would never let it happen again.
We were very happy for the next 6 months. Then I had a temporary move for work, I would be gone for 5 months. The first three months were good, we talked every day emailed back and forth, I missed him so much. Then I became friends with another man, we started as just friends hanging out after work and working on projects together. I was not really attracted to him but when he "hit on me" I did not say no and we ended up together. At the same time my boyfriend had to travel for his job and found out he would not be home when I got back home. I lied to my boyfriend, telling him nothing was going on, but we started fighting constantly. I even broke up with him, but I could not stand not talking to him even for 24 hours.
My cheating was tearing me up, I broke it off and told my boyfreind about it and the one night stands I had at the beginning of our relationship. He was very upset and hur but he said we could work though it and we worked very hard at it for the next 6 months. One of the questions he would always ask but I could not answer was why I cheated on him. To this day I cannot answer that question.
After 6 months of working very hard at our relationship, we were both madly in love with each other. Then I again recieved news that I would be sent to another location for work, this time I would be gone for almost a year. I did not want to leave him and yet I saw this as an opportuniy for me to prove to myself and to him that I could be trusted and build our relationship. I was confidant that I could be faithful. I even asked him to marry me 3 months after I left and he said yes. I was very excited about being with him and getting to spend the rest of my life with him.
4 months later I began having to work with another man. We worked well togeter, he was married and we talked about our families and the stress our jobs place on our families. I told my boyfriend about him and my boyfriend warned me to be careful around him. I dismissed his warnings because the man was married. After a few weeks of working together he began making suttle remarks about my body and how if he had met me 5years ago he would have liked to find out what I was like in bed. That is when I began lying to my fiancee about what we were talking about and how much time we were spending together. I ended up sleeping with him even though I was not really attracted to him. We talked about it and agreed that it was only friends with benefits because we both loved our significant others so much. He left a few weeks ago and I realize I did grow to care for him as a friend but regret allowing things to go beyond friendship.
To add to all this 4 months after I left my fiancee was moved for his job and will not be home when I get home. I can no longer hide the fact that I cheated on him AGAIN, I feel overwellmed with guilt. I have not told him directly but I am pretty sure he knows. A few weeks ago I told him I wanted to postpone our wedding because I would not have enough time to plan it when I got home, he agreed. Last night I could not stand not what I done to him, I broke up with him because he deserves a better woman than me. He is a wonderful man who has done nothing but treat me like a queen. He adores me and says he has enough love for both of us. I do love him but I feel that I cannot be the woman to make him happy. He told me that once I figure out what I really want I know how to contact him.
I am scared once I do figure out why I cheat and go to him, he will not forgive me. Even if he does, will I ever be able to gain his full trust? And will he always have insecurities about our relationship?
