It is a very difficult and painful situation you are in. Many of the things I hear you talk about center around your career and traveling and the division of your possessions and interests you have. You have spoken about encourageing your husband to get a job and trying to encourage him to create a social life for himself. If I may reflect some things back at you, it strikes me that very little of what you do is centered around each other. You mentioned that he seemed depressed and you seem to be conveying that you think it may be because of his feeling about not haveing a job. You mentioned also that he seemed unhappy when there were things that you did separately or when you traveled and then expressed enthusiasm about traveling again.

Has it occured to you that perhaps he has been feeling as if there was an ever growing distance between you and that he has been affected by this and feeling lonely. Perhaps the little things that occur to emphasize your differing tastes in something as small as a television program, only serve to drive that fact home even more. Perhaps it wasn't the enthusiam to travel that bothered him but rather a lack of the separation bothering you. Now that you both are talking at least he is able to put an explanation to what he has been perceiving all along.

You certainly should not feel guilty for being honest and trying to discuss these issues with him. You have also expressed feelings for him and regret over hurting him.

You admitted that you have chosen to excape and handle your life by self medicating and presently going to counseling and taking proper medication in an effort to figure out what you want.

Although your husband has chosen to not go to counseling it does indead seem as if you have grown apart. Sometimes we don't so much grow apart, though, as much as we simply neglect being together until the love withers and the closeness becomes more and more distant.

You express how hard this has been for you, but I can only imagine that it has been even harder for your husband if he truly does still love you. You might have thought he was depressed about his job, but maybe he has been depressed about the lack of intimacy and bewildered about why and what to do about it. While you have had the excitement of travel and career advancement, he has had time on his hands to sense and fear he was loosing you. Sometimes that can be paralyzing in and of itself, without the added failure of your career going down the drain.

As for your wondering if you will turn around some day and realize you have made decisions and lost someone and might not find someone to love again.

That is a very real possibility. I say this because, you are high on life and excited by what your future holds and hungry to taste things you have been denying yourself all your life but not without a price. You admittedly have excaped from reality before and all this excitement might be yet another excape of sorts. At the end of the day, the most important things in our lives are the people we love and the warmth and closeness of someone to hold that you know cares. When all the glitter and excitement is long gone, we all return sooner or later to what is our hearts desire.

You have asked a lot of probing and provocative questions but I truly believe that until we ask those questions of ourselves until we "know" the answers it is really foolish to make life altering decisions. You can separate and you can travel and you can meet exciting people and have new and exciting experiences but if you are looking for something that was right in front of your eyes and you didn't know it. If you didn't know it because you didn't dig deep enough to discover what you were really looking for. You would not be the first person to turn around some day and find that what you really wanted is no longer there.

You have talked about the feelings that are not the same in your marriage and I would submit that many things can affect that. Paramount among those is "perception". Some things are not as they are but as we perceive them to be.

Other things that affect our feelings are medications. Sometimes they don't help us to feel as much as they prevent us from feeling.

Last but not least, nothing can thrive or survive if you starve it. Romance and love are like dancing the tango. At first it may be difficult and awkward but once you learn to do it right, it can be fun and sexy and romantic.

You are putting a lot of thought into your life and you mention that your talking about separation before you have finished figuring things out. I am sure you are both tired of being unhappy but remember that you "could" spend the rest of your life regretting a hasty decision.

I truly hope you and your husband find the answers for you both.



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