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#164849 03/31/07 12:39 AM
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I'm not sure if this is the right place for this thread, but arguments can lead to break-ups, so ...

I read a letter to an agony aunt in a newspaper the other day.

The female writer said that, when something negative happens in her relationship, she shouts & screams and has even been known to throw things - at him! It's usually all over in minutes ~ or hours at most - and then she is back to her usual self. She is annoyed and upset with her partner, though, because his behaviour is different. He sulks. He refuses to speak to her. It takes a few days before he is back to his usual self. She thinks that a good argument clears the air and that sulking is silly.

The agony aunt replied that it is unfair to expect your partner to argue just because you do. And things can be said in an argument that are not said during the silent treatment & which cannot be taken back. Ignoring someone, which appears to be sulking, is unpleasant because it is meant to be ~ just as throwing insults or articles is meant to be unpleasant.

What do you think of this?


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #164851 03/31/07 12:42 AM
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Some comments on arguments from elsewhere:

Originally Posted By: Carl
..

I agree about the communication. I remember when Marge and I had our first "shouting" discussion. I have a long-term (from childhood issues) fear of abandonment, so I tended to avoid disagreements and would hold things inward until they blew, and then all the festering stuff would come out - out of proportion to the incident at hand.

Suddenly, as we were in the midst of the "discussion" (okay, we were arguing), we both suddenly started laughing. We knew we were not going to end a relationship that satisfied us both so much, and we knew we would work it out, so we did. Marge has helped me to see that just because you expose your feelings, it doesn't mean that everything has to end.

I remember an anecdote I read about a couple who would postpone arguments until they could be alone and nude/naked. Hard to stay angry when there are other emotions rising and hormones stirring.

From my first two marriages, I can attest to how much financial worries can negatively affect a relationship. But, I now see that even then, you can survive and even grow stronger when you communicate honestly and lovingly.

...



Originally Posted By: victor
... we have our differences - tastes in books, movies, humor - but nothing that screams out "CONFLICT". It just makes for smooth sailing.
We do have very occasional arguments, but it is usually about a transient event or misunderstanding, and not about anything I would consider "fundamental." We have no recurring arguments i.e. about the same topic or theme- which in my experience is a relationship killer.



http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=162611&page=1#Post162611


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #164869 03/31/07 01:36 AM
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Regarding PDM's first post on this thread, I know that I much prefer discussion or debate, with politeness and respect shown, even within the disagreement. But, as soon as one negative thing is said, I tend to revert to times in my life when sarcasm and anger take over. I don't like the personality I display at that time.

Yet the pouting and sulking are not the answer for me, either.

I am beginning to see that there is a medium ground.

When I was a boy, I tried to hide emotions. And I think that I still do. I think I fear that the emotion will be used against me. So I hide both the happiness and the sadness and the anger.

But, as I grow, and my relationship with Marge grows, I'm finding that as I learn to talk about the emotions, and allow myself to openly feel the emotions, they stay more moderate in intensity. For me that's better than a tendency to passive/agressive behavior.

Sure, I get angry or hurt, or take things personally, but I am able to forgive others - and myself - and usually hold no grudge.

As I've said before, though, I'm not very good at turning the other cheek.

Back to PDM's post above, the comments about one partner wanting to argue and the other wanting to sulk reminds me of the "comfort distance" that people have. Europeans generally have a shorter comfort distance than Americans, so in a cocktail party, the American would probably be stepping back as the European stepped forward.

That also applies in relationships. Some people are brought up in families where touching and displays of affection are common. And some are not. And when one partners across this mindset, real problems can ensue.

That is a good reason for couples to get to know each other before they marry. And personality profile tests can help identify problem areas. Differences are not necessarily insurmountable, but it is better that they be forseen.


Marge is the love of my life.
Carl #165221 04/01/07 04:07 AM
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Hi Carl ~ just an aside, really ...
I don't think that you could generally include the English in the 'short comfort zone' group.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #165237 04/01/07 05:03 AM
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Originally Posted By: PDM
Hi Carl ~ just an aside, really ...
I don't think that you could generally include the English in the 'short comfort zone' group.


OK I know this is veering more off topic but I had to laugh because as soon as I read the thing about Europeans, my first thought was about my visits in the UK, where I think people are even a foot or two more distant than the Americans. So I had to scratch my head for a second about what Carl meant (I must be so used to conversing with the Brits on the forum that I thought of the UK first) ...

But when I was in college I spent a semester in Italy, and there I know EXACTLY what Carl meant .. I used to go nuts with how close people would get to me... especially at the ATM machines (the cash machines). I swear people would stand right on top of you while you were entering your password into the machine..would drive me nuts. And then if it was raining out, they would stand so close to you that their umbrellas would be poking yours .. and don't even get me started about the lack of order when pouring onto a public bus... I just had this flood of memories I had to get out here in print. ...

Anyways - as for arguing.. I'd like to think that I have evolved a bit, although I do have lapses. I can have a temper, and the best thing I have done is to recognize that I have a temper. I have a little switch that once it gets turned on, I can really lose my composure. I have tried very hard to recognize that switch - I can't stop it from getting turned on, but I can try to keep my mouth shut once it has been activated. I try to just not say anything at all until I can cool down, at which point I can regain composure and not say damaging things.

I particularly have to be careful with my children - whom I love like crazy but they can do some things to really get me angry at times. One thing I have tried hard to do when I feel like yelling at them is to stop and say to myself, Do they deserved to be yelled at? or do I just feel like yelling because I am mad and frustrated. I am not perfect at this but at least I am aware of it, so I am trying. For instance, when my son spills his full glass of strawberry milk all over our living room - I yelled at him just because I was so mad that it happened ... but he really didn't deserve to be yelled at. So I had to talk with him afterwards and tell him I was wrong and sorry because we all spill things. However, I can't tell you how many times he and his sister have spilled things and sometimes it is just carelessness, ... so now whenever anybody spills something, my son just says, "Its OK, remember, everybody spills things sometimes." So I'm still incredibly frustrated, but at least I now have a good natured son who will probably be a better parent than I!

victor #165377 04/01/07 09:34 PM
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I think that I have a bit of a temper, too, but I do try to keep it in check ~ and succeed most of the time. I did shout at my elder son when he was little and I really feel great remorse about that now. The one other person who sets me off is my Mum for some reason. I'm not happy about that, either.

It's strange that the people who know me or have known me are probably divided into two camps ~ those who find me infinitely patient & easy-going and those who find me very argumentative, with little patience & a short temper.

Re mainland European bus queues ~ they don't exist; it's just a free-for-all.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #165421 04/02/07 12:47 AM
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When I was on a ship home ported in Japan, I was very impressed with the organization and courtesy of people aboard the trains and at the stations. And riding the Bullet was an experience.

As far as the camps about you, PDM, I know you have explained that you are at the same time an admin/moderator and also an individual who likes to discuss subjects. But on either score, I find you to be real (authentic) and yet exercise discretion and moderation.

If you had no passion or zeal, how could you understand when to step in, and when to wait?


Marge is the love of my life.
Carl #165489 04/02/07 01:54 PM
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I try not to post anything until I've stopped ranting.
laugh mad laugh


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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