RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? He Needs Time Alone

I have a tricky situation and feel tired of going to friends about it, I need opinions and input from people outside the situation.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost eight years. About five of them were long distance, him in Sweden, me in the states. We have been living together for about two and a half years.

In the last year we have had many arguments, almost once a week. I had a lot of baggage from a harsh past relationship and life and it came into our relationship, this caused the fighting. My boyfriend wants to take a break, with me leaving to the states for three months. He is the sort who needs a lot of solitude and quiet anyway and said he always had a sense he could live alone but then he met me. He said he knew I was the one and that he loves me deeply, cares about me still and I am very special to him. He said he does not want me to go, but that at this point I have to or else he worries we will break up as a couple. He said he is tired and exhausted and that even though things are slowly getting better, he finds it hard to be close and as affectionate as he feels he can be. He has been more affectionate though, but I also sense how tired he is. I have been trying to have a good attitude about it but also being realistic, that this just may be the end.

I mentioned that I may not come back, because the break is so long and this upsets him, he said he wants me to come back, that he is not breaking up with me but needs to recharge. That when I return he wants to see our relationship with new eyes and try again.

He does not cheat, is not interested in women more than friends and even though i dont like some of his female friends, I trust him.

I am just so incredibly sad and any opinions, thoughts, encouragements, anything - would be greatly welcomed.

Lost in Sweden...

Hi Kitten & welcome to the forum.
I hope that we can help you a little.
Maybe, afterwards, you can let us know what some of your friends within the situation think.

I'll just let you know my reactions to what you have said ~ maybe that will be useful to you.


That's quite a long time and it's good to hear that after 8 years he still says that 'he loves you deeply'.
I take it that you are both in Sweden now?
Is that his home country? Are you from the USA?

It's interesting that you say that this relationship was long distance for about five years. Many people couldn't cope well with such a relationship. Presumably he coped because 'He is the sort who needs a lot of solitude and quiet anyway and said he always had a sense he could live alone'. I wonder, though, how you coped with this?
I wonder what you both did over these five years, that enabled you to remain a couple. Did you visit each other often? Was it via e-mails and phone calls?


That sounds really romantic.
You were the one and only, who could change this man from an isolated loner into someone who could be part of a sociable twosome. That's quite special, but it's also quite a responsibility.


You see, that doesn't surprise me too much.

This man obviously loves you, since you have been his life partner for a number of years, but he was obviously happy for this to be a long-distance partnership ~ he likes his own company. He isn't going off with other women, he just enjoys solitude. And then he met you! He knew that you were the one. After five years of being together separately, you moved in together. Bliss! But, no matter how much he loves you, he is still the same man he always was, and, oncethe 'honeymoon' was over, I'm not too surprised that he began to feel his old need for space and solitude.


I can see how this might have triggered things, too.
He is a man who 'needs' silence and space.
You are a girl with things you need to discuss. He is your partner ~ so he will be the one you want to talk to. But he doesn't want to talk ~ and I'm guessing that he is even less keen to talk about your exes, so that can lead to arguments.
Again, this is not so surprising.
This is not unusual for a lot of men ~ and yours is particularly quiet and withdrawn it seems.
Also, if Sweden is not your home, you may be relying on his company more than he can cope with.


I can see how this must be making you feel pretty devastated.
I am sorry.
But, subconsciously, you must have known that this could happen he did, in a way, 'warn' you:


You see, he told you all this, before.
Has anything really changed?
He loves you, but he wants and needs his peace and solitude ~ you knew this all along. Presumably you thought and hoped that things had changed, because lovers should love to be together.
However, they also need space from one another.


If he is genuine, and there is no-one else, and he still loves you, then he is probably simply telling you the truth. He needs a break from the arguments and to re-charge his batteries with the solitude that he has always told you that he requires.


If you are arguing every week, and he is used to solitude, then this must be exhausting for him ~ and for you, too!
If you are together all the time, then you probably both need some time apart.


I sense that he is trying to be what you want him to be ~ but that he is finding it hard.


You are both trying to be loving and understanding partners ~ this is a very good sign.

Now ..
Are you willing to accept him, just as he is?
And is he willing to accept you, just as you are?
Are you both willing to work at getting to a point where it is easier for you to accept each other?


And if this is true ~ and it does seem to fit with what you have said ~ are you happy to go along with this.

When you say that you might not come back, is that because you feel that this relationship, as it is, does not work for you?

Are you unwilling to accept his terms?
Do you feel that they are reasonable or unreasonable?

In marriage one makes promises 'for better; for worse' ~ are you two willing to accept the 'better' and the 'worse' in each other?

He doesn't want to break up with you, but he feels that some changes are needed if the partnership is to last.

Trust is a wonderful thing in a relationship.
You say that he loves you ~ do you love him?
Are you willing to give him some space for the benefit of the relationship?
Is he willing to realise that, if a relationship is to work, sending one's partner back to another country isn't the most encouraging thing to do?


I'm not surprised that you feel sad and lost. You must feel rejected and confused, too. This man, with whom you share your life, has told you to go back to the States because he needs peace and quiet.
I'd feel sad too.

But why is he doing this?
Because he feels that he needs peace, and the regular arguments that you have are causing him distress.
If he didn't love you so much, he fears that the relationship would be coming to an end.

So, this is saving the relationship time, rather than ending the relationship time.

How can you do this?

I suggest talking to each other ~ but that might be hard if he doesn't communicate easily. However, if it's crisis time, he just might. But it must be quiet and reasoned conversation ~ not arguments and shouting.

I also suggest counselling ~
~ You have had problems in the past and you probably need to talk them through ~ maybe quite a bit. This man has listened as much as he can, or wants to, so perhaps you should go to see someone who is trained to listen and help.
~ He seems to have problems relating to people. It would help him and you ~ and any friends and relatives who mix with you ~ if he saw someone to help him overcome this a little.

I wonder if you have a network of friends, etc, in Sweden, so that you have a life of your own, as well as the one you share with him.

Do you work? Have you got hobbies? Do you mix much with others?
Do both you and your partner have separate quality 'me' time?
Do you do things, have interests, make decisions that do not depend on your partner?
Do you and your partner have shared interests, hobbies, friends?

In the end, do you love each other enough to accept foibles and differences and everything else?

Is he wiling to accept who you are ~ including your past?

Are you willing to accept him as he is, including his need for time alone?

Are you both willing to look into ways of compromising?

Are you both willing to consider counselling, or talking things through, or finding other coping mechanisms - for when either of you feels sad, or tired, or overwhelmed, or exhausted, or rejected, or lost, or claustrophobic, or trapped, or lonely, or unable to cope with whatever problems life and your relationship are throwing at you?

Is the relationship worth the effort ~ from both parties ~ to save it?

What are you both willing to do?
What are you unwilling to do?