RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Long Term Partners Marriage - an outdated institution?

Soul-mates! It must be.

*sigh* maybe one day I'll meet the right guy... If I can be as happy as you lot then it'll be worth it.

I'm still young so maybe, just maybe, one day .. but I live in a small town.

PDM and Mary, thanks for the input

Nikkums I'm sure he's out there and I'm sure you'll find him one day. I had to wait until my late twenties before all this happened to me. I met my husband about ten years ago when we were both with other people. We didn't get to know each other at all at first and lost touch for years. Then by chance we met again three years ago, we got to know each other very well and suddenly the sparks were flying and love blossomed. (You may be sick now if you need to, I know that sounds really mushy but it's true).

We'd both given up on finding "the one" after a string of failed relationships. I didn't think he existed. Hubby is about ten years older than me, so he was really starting to despair. Neither of us are particularly thin or overly good looking, so it really does go to show that it can happen to anyone. Please take heart from this true story.

They were discussing the institution of marriage on BBC Radio 4's 'Womans Hour' this morning.

Some points that came up:
(I'm paraphrasing and relying on memory, so I may have made some errors. It may be possible for you to listen to the programme yourself via the website, if you so wish)

A young mother who had lost her 'common law husband' was shocked to find that she was not entitled to a widow's pension or any similar financial support because she was not married.

An older woman similarly found herself without home or anything when her fiance, with whom she had lived for nearly ten years, told her she had to go because he was no longer interested.

A married woman told of how her husband emptied their joint bank account and left her with only the joint mortgage to pay.

A Christian woman was extolling the institution of marriage but said that it could not be extended to Gay people because it was a rite involving one man and one woman.

A Gay woman said that marriage should be open to all committed and faithful loving couples regardless.

A Gay man agreed that marriage was a ceremony involving a man and a woman but felt that a civil union should be available to homosexual couples.

A heterosexual woman said that the civil union that was being brought in for Gay couples should be available for heterosexual unions, too.

A Muslim woman said that marriage was there not for romantic love but so that males and females could behave as males & females do and have childen in a manner acceptable to God.

An older couple, who had lived together for many years, decided to get married for financial reasons and made all the middle-aged and elderly women in their village much happier about their arrangement.

Of course there were many more comments, some good and some bad.

PDM, you have raised some more fascinating points here, for which I thank you. Two which I would like to pick up on are quoted here -

"A young mother who had lost her 'common law husband' was shocked to find that she was not entitled to a widow's pension or any similar financial support because she was not married.

An older woman similarly found herself without home or anything when her fiance, with whom she had lived for nearly ten years, told her she had to go because he was no longer interested. "

When I am asked why I wanted to marry Mr M, I reply that we are going to be together forever so why not? Which is absolutely true, but not the whole answer. Before our marriage, a tiny niggly part of me was terrified that this wonderful relationship would somehow be scuppered, perhaps by his mother whispering in his ear. In addition my own mother is a strong advocate of women's rights and when she saw me throw myself body and soul into this relationship she was worried I could be left with nothing at some point.

We run a very small business, and I am an employee for tax purposes. Our work centres around his creativity and products he makes, and I deal with admin. If something happened to him so he couldn't work, the business would be finished. Or just like the example above, if he told me to go, I would have nothing. I'm not paranoid and my confidence in hubby is absolute, but life doesn't always go the way you want it to. I've seen enough episodes of Judge Judy to know that (lol!) - she's very scathing towards women who don't protect their interests. An unmarried woman, living in a house with his name on the deeds, with no outside job is pretty vulnerable.

So, is marriage an outdated institution?

I think that it is a transitional institution that has changed through the ages. However I am a hopeless romantic and married for love and sees things through rose colored glasses.

I sure hope its not outdated.
And yes its been 40 years for us and both of our sons got married and have great wives and also great in-laws I know for a fact that both sets of in-laws really love my sons and that makes me feel good for them.

It's not necessarily outdated. More people feel that the only necesity behind it is legality. Friends of the family (who are actually going to host my wedding in June) were together for 20 years before deciding to get married. there was no huge ceremony just a justice and a barbeque afterwards. Heh, many of us didn't know they had gotten married till we showed up at the bbq, or didn't know they weren't married till then. They got married to legally be allowed to deal with financial and heath matters relating to the other party. They had been together for so long that nothing else really mattered. It may not be a very romantic notion but they were already married in their hearts.

My Joseph and I are getting married after 3 years and this is also more for legality than anything else. We know that we love eachother and are not going anywhere. But I have children from my ex and if something happens to me he wont ever see them again and neither will his family. After my previous relationship falling apart after 5 years I decided that If I found someone that I loved we would get married. Might be a little insurance to be sure that we don't fall apart over an argument (you think things over MUCH more when a divorce is involved) but it's more legality reasons than anything else.

I think that if there was an option of a common law marriage (where you just go in or send in a form and don't have to to through a ceremony) more ppl would do that. At least in future generations. Currently many of our parents and grandparents still believe in the old traditions of if you live together you getmarried so there isa lot of family pressure. But I can see fewer people getting married in the future unless the legal system changes to accomodate that. Marriage happens in heart, that piece of paper means nothing.

I was wondering if it was the same in the USA as here ~ many couple do not marry.