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#240954 01/04/08 06:36 AM
Joined: Dec 2007
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I have a very long and complicated story and I guess Im looking for an outsiders point of view. I posted about this previously http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=238020#Post238020
Here is the situation. In the early hours of Xmas eve, my husband was arrested on 3 counts of domestic violence. He was very drunk and ended up hitting me and fighting with my mom and best friend. See the above listed link. It was very scary and all three of us had marks. When he was arrested I thought he would be out in 4 or 5 hours because thats what the cops said. Instead, he is still in jail on 50,000 bail, which means 5000 to get him out. Because this is a domestic violence case, my state continues with it even if I or any other person withdraws the charges. They also automatically implemented a no contact order, which means I haven't talked to him since the 24th.
We have a 10 mo. old daughter together and have been married less than a year. This is the fourth but most severe case of physical violence. Also, I am convinced that I have beenthrough emotional abuse as well. He is controlling, hurtful, and very very jealous. I essentially was not allowed to do anything, I had to be invisible to avoid angering him. But there were also times when he was loving and fun, when he was funny. He isnt a bad person, but an alcohol with problems. He is a good dad. As much as I hate it, I still love him.
The problem is I am soooo confused. At first I tried not to think about him. Then there were a couple of days where all I did was cry. I finally got so frustrated with myself that I went out and looked for a job (he worked 2 jobs so I could stay in college and be with our child). I went out with my friend the next night, determined to forget about my husband. I had by then decided that it was over, that our marriage was unsavable. I met a guy that night who was really nice to me--the exact opposite of my husband in every way. I started to really like him, even though I told himeverything that happened and that I didn't want a serious relationship. We ended up sleeeping together the other day. I though that being with another man would make me forget my husband and help me move on. But it didn't. The whole time I was with this guy, all I could do was compare him to my husband. It made me miss him. Now I am feeling soooo guilty. I have never been unfaithful in any relationship everrrrr!
Im not sure whether I can still be with my husband, but I want to give him a chance. I cant forgive myself for cheating on him, no matter what he did to me. Cheating just showed me how much I really loved him. I want this to work so bad. I pray that he will change, even though I dont have much hope in that prayer.
I know that this is a very long and complicated post, and I apologise. But Im just trying to get an outsiders perspective on this. Is there hope for us? Was I horrible to react by trying to get over him and pretending I was? Thanks for your help guys!
Maggie


~ Maggie
Mama to Juliana Elise (03/07), Wesley Dominick (06/10) and four feathered 'tielbabies!
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Please don't even consider going back. I just got thru watching a program on Oprah about a woman who was abused for 14 years and who's husband made their 13 year old son video tape one of the beatings. He also made the kids call their mom awful names as well. One of the boys was 8 at the time and is now 12 what he told Oprah when she was talking to him and asked him what he would tell someone that was in his moms shoes what he said was GET OUT.
Right now is also probably not the best time to look into jumping into another relationship because what you need to do the most is work on getting your life back together. There has to be ways that you can still get an education others have done it. Go talk to counselors check out and see if their is financial aid that you can get.
NO WOMAN DESERVES TO BE HIT NO MATTER WHAT and if a man hits you he has absolutely no respect for you what so ever and drinking is just an excuss.
If he tells you he loves you that is his way of controlling you.
You need to get over this feeling that you love him and start loving yourself.
I think by rushing into another relationship right now you could end up in the same type of situation your in now thats why I say you have to work on yourself first and learn how you want to be treated. And you need to get an education so you don't have to rely on someone else. I'm not saying you can't talk to guys but as far as dating I would not recommend it for awhile.
Your young you have a life time ahead of you don't make it one of pain and misery.



My name is Connie
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Hi Maggie I am so sorry this has happened to you no woman deserves what you have went through those years and I know you are thinking more like a mother than a abused woman because you do not want your child to grow up with out her father and that is normal but you have to think in the here and now if your husband has done this to you from the beginning he is not going to change some men are just like that and it is sad i too am jealous and at times controlling but never have I considered or thought about hitting my girlfriend and she has done things to really set me off i just go for a ride to cool off and think about how much i love her and if your husband is hitting you it is just a matter of time before he may start hitting the little one and then when you factor in alcohol it doubles the chance of that happening and then you really will not be able to forgive yourself my aunt is in the same boat you are in but no kids are involved her husband constantly talks bad to her calling her names and stuff and accuseing her of things she would never do she loves him unconditionally much like you do your husband and she has kicked him out serveral times only to get the phone calls of I'm sorry i love you so much i promise to change and she always takes him back and he is great for a month or less then he is worse than previous times but you just have to do what is best for you and your little baby right now he may not hurt the little one but who is to say when she gets older he wont and maybe he never will but that is why you have joint custody and if he ever hurts her then you can get full custody and him only supervised custody but no one deserves to be hurt like you have been you deserve happiness just like everyone else does and from the looks of it you want to be happy with him but deep inside you know you never will.... I am not tring to get you to leave him but perhaps seperation is needed and tell him your conditions tell him to get counseling and then both of you get it that way you are not in a room alone with him and you can tell him just how you feel in a safe environment and then after that just date for a while and see if the counseling worked and if he pushes you to move back in together he will show anger and fraustration and you will know then if the counseling worked or not just a idea but i would not go running back into his arms because that is exactly what he is expecting to happen once he is let out instead have seperation papers ready for when he gets out in my state seperation has to last 1 year before it can be dropped i think and in that year let him know what you want to see change.


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Thanks for the advice. And just so u know, the thing with the other guy is not any kind of relationship--I made that very clear to him. I guess I just wanted some one to take my mind off of my husband. But the guy definately will not be a boyfriend.


~ Maggie
Mama to Juliana Elise (03/07), Wesley Dominick (06/10) and four feathered 'tielbabies!
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,645
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Your welcome I really hope you take what I have said to heart. Now go to bed get a good nights sleep and start working on yourself ok smile



My name is Connie
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You are most welcomed and I agree with pretty bird work on yourself first build your self confidence back up all the emotional abuse as well as the physical abuse has took its toll on you and in order to begin to love someone else you first have to love yourself again...


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I agree with the above.


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Originally Posted By: Amaggiepie
'there were also times when he was loving and fun, when he was funny. He isnt a bad person, but an alcohol with problems. He is a good dad. As much as I hate it, I still love him.'

Of course. You have been married less than a year, you have a child together, and when he's sober he's nice.
But:
Quote:
Xmas eve, my husband was arrested on 3 counts of domestic violence.
He was very drunk and ended up hitting me
It was very scary
This is the fourth but most severe case of physical violence
I have been through emotional abuse as well.
He is controlling, hurtful, and very very jealous.
I essentially was not allowed to do anything,
I had to be invisible to avoid angering him.


Do you want to be worrying every year whether your husband will spoil Christmas for your daughter?
Do you want to be hiding bruises from her?
Worse still; what if she angers him when he is drunk and he starts hitting her?
If he can't help but be violent under the influence of alcohol, then this could happen.
If he's an alcoholic and / or if he has anger issues, then then he needs to join a self-help group.
You also need to help yourself and your daughter.

I can understand that you love him & want to believe that he will change, but, from what I have heard, violent men usually don't change.

Your first Christmas with your little girl should have been wonderful ~ not a nightmare. Didn't he care enough?


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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i agree, with everyone, not only did he hit you the last time, but your mom and bestfriend! maybe this time apart will help him realize what hes done, and will make him get help for his daughter and to be civil with you through the divorce or seperation!


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The evidence if overwhelming. He is the classic abuser. They are always loving,charming,kind and follow the same patterns of abuse.
1. anything can set them off on a rage. More often than not it is something very small. A comment. A mistake with a meal. A chore undone.
2. They begin most often with a criticism and pointing out the mistake. They continue to build rage while becoming more and more verbaly abusive.
3. The episode escallates until screaming and slapping or hitting happens.
4. Usually the person is drinking or using drugs and as the episode evolves they start picking apart almost everything as if they are looking for a reason to be angry.
5. Within hours or by the next morning they are grief stricken and apologetic and apologising and promising not to do it again. They usually do wonderful things to make up for the abuse. They often cry and appear so upset that you think that if you don't forgive them they may even harm themselves. They sometimes make promises to quit drinking but it usually only lasts a week or two at most and starts again.
6. They usually control every aspect of the marriage. They work and insist that the wife stay at home. They control how much money is given the spouse. They usually make all the decisions about where to go and when. They dictate what the spouse wears in clothing. They usually discourage outside friendships even with family members, especially ones that don't approve of them.They question the spouse about where they go and who they see. They display suspiciousness and jealousy.
7. The anger and physical abuse always gets worse with each episode.
8. The anger and physical abuse extends to extended family members.
9. Finally,the anger and phisical abuse always extends to the children and they display unfair expectations for even small children.
10. Often the children are also sexualy abused

Most abusive persons are not alcholics with problems. They are emotionally ill persons who drink. The chances of an abusive person changing with or without professional care if poor. However, without professional care and help the chance is almost non existant.

The chance that an abusive person will severly hurt, criple, mentaly damage or kill his spouse and children is very high.

The chance that the children who witness abuse will go on to abuse their own families is very high.

If you read this and said oh my god, that is my husband, then be sure that you realize the last four statements are true also.

I know that you love him, no one is saying that he is not lovable. We are saying that you need help from a professional for yourself so that you can deal with the damage this relationship has already done to you. Please talk to someone who can tell you just how dangerous this is for you and your child and who can council you before you do anything else. Please do not tell this man about anything you have done that you feel guilty about. You need to take care of yourself for your little girl. You are worth more than he has convinced you you are worth. You are priceless to your daughter. Your heart chose badly, please don't let your head do likewise. Make a plan and find a safe place to live and then get help to put your life back together. If he is going to heal and improve he will do it without you putting yourself and your daughter in harms way by contacting him.



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