RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Long Term Partners Married for Love?

Hey guys,

I've got a couple thoughts I want to throw out. Now, I'm not married, but my ideals are old fashioned at best. Recently, I listened to a radio show on my way to work. One of the topics of discussion was about people who had been dating for years, and never got married. They had women calling in talking about they had been with this guy for x-number of years, and they were talking about reasons why he may not be ready and reasons why they should or should not be married. One poor girl called in said she had been dating a guy for 9 years... never married. She lives with him, and apparently he's loaded. She mentioned that she does want him to pop the question. But then, the radio dj's talked about oh you've it made where your at (both women and men), you've got financial security, etc. I know I'm rambling here, but one of the reasons I did not hear, or it never came up was LOVE. With the way the world is nowadays, I realize things change. Do people ever marry for just LOVE anymore? I mean, disregarding EVERYTHING ELSE, financial security, starting a family, good looks, great you know what, is it possible to marry just for love? OR better rephrased, why don't we decide to marry this person just for the reason we love them?

I quite agree with you! I did. It took me a year of "living in sin" to persuade her to marry me, though. There was no question we were right for each other, and loved each other, but she (and I) had previous marriages which had soured her on marriage.

We've only been together since 12/8/1994, but it keeps on getting better!

Call me old-fashioned, but I think people still marry for love. 36 years ago, I married my hubby. We were 20 and 22 and didn't have a penny to rub up against, but we had love and that would be enough.We worked together to buy a house and eventually have children. Was it easy.HELL no, but was it worth it....yes it was. Through the good times and the bad, we stayed together and made it work. I've noticed that today, kids don't work as hard at marriage. If it doesn't feel right, they get out and move on. I don't think they try as hard to make the marriage work. Who knows, maybe they're right.

I married for love ~ definitely ~ but also, I think, because it was the respectable thing to do. I wouldn't have dreamed of 'living in sin' ~ as it was then called.

Things are different now. No-one seems to care much any more, whether co-habitating couples are married or not, so they need to have other reasons to marry.

I think that financial security, under the law, is an important one ~ should the relationship fail, that is.

I am not saying that love isn't important in a long-term, committed relationship, I'm just wondering if marriage is. Do people really need a piece of paper, to say that they love each other, and want to stay together for life? ~ No. I don't think that they do.

So, why marry then?

Financial and social security, for the two partners and for their children, I'd say.

Also, religious and cultural reasons may come into it.

And the actual special marriage ritual, with family & friends gathering in celebration are important.

Marrying for love is a lovely romantic idea and I'm still all for it, but I don't think that it is necessary, when considering why one should marry, as co-habiting without a certificate covers that, which is probably why not much was made of it on the programme you heard.

You are absolutely right. I've seen high school acquaintances of mine who have gotten married and are already divorced. Its sad. It seems society has turned marriage into a tax write off. It's more political now than sacred. Now I'm only 26, but it seemed like at one point marriage actually meant something, that it was a big step that if it felt right, you went for it. Now its just like, 'hey want to get married'? It's like marriage has lost its meaning and sacredness.

BUT also, the way I see things with relationships and what not, it seems that we throw all these rules, regulations, excuses in the mix that it makes finding love that much more complicated. I really don't think finding someone to love should be so hard, but it is. Not to mention the rules to dating/relationships have changed since high school. I mean, I understand boundaries are needed, but some girls I have dated are real picky about them. Now I'm frightened that if I make one wrong move or step, I will blow the whole thing.

Anyway, it just seems that the more i go through the motions, the more difficult it seems. And I see it with friends, co-workers, and just random people. Given, everyone is different, but I see where couples let petty things get in the way of their marriages and relationships. I've listened to some co-workers of mine and why they got divorced. It's depressing because some of the reasons sound so petty. It sounds like they really didn't try to fix anything. I guess thats the thing that bothers me, is that I don't want to get with someone and they flake out on me over something petty. I want to find someone who will work at the relationship. Cuz, I know I will... if I ever find someone. =/

As I've said on here before, people change.

The person you might fall in love with at 18, may not be the person you would fall in love with at 25. So what do you do if you have already married that person?

And what about if you really believe that you can live with someone for ever, but find that you just cannot spend time together without driving each other mad?

These things happen.
They might even lead to emotional or physical cruelty.

I know at least three people who got married, where their friends thought that they were making a mistake I was not surprised that those marriages broke down. All three have happily remarried and had children. Divorce was the right thing for them. Why live a life of misery, when the right person may be round the corner. They didn't deliberately marry the wrong person first time round.

I do think, though, that where there is real love, the marriage should be worked at, and couselling obtained, to try to sort out any problems.

And I think that marriage has always been as much about politics and finance as about love and 'sacredness'.

I was watching 'Who Do you Think You are?' last night and something was said that reminded me of this thread.

It was about Julia Sawalha's ancestry. She was talking to her father about his parents. Remembering an incident from her childhood, she asked if Grandfather had loved Grandmother.

Without a moment's thought, her father answered 'no' ~ which seemed to shock her. He said that in the East ~ the family was Bedouin from Jordan ~ they do not have a Western idea of love. What one might call love, there, was based on respect and knowing someone well for a long time, resulting in closeness. The Western idea of romantic love, he said, was regarded as a nonsense.

I think that this type of marriage was and is common in many societies ~ including in the West; past and present, depending upon the culture.

Finding love, of course, is another matter.

I believe in marrying for love, but not eveyone in every society does.
I believe that you can love one another, without being married.
I believe that there are good reasons to marry, that are not related to love.

Perhaps they didn't really love each other and that was the real reason.

4 years ago I married my husband for love. November 1, we'll have been together 6 years. Some days it seems like nothing, others it seems like an eternity! We always joked I had to marry him for love, as it SURE wasn't for his money!! But he's a good man, and through 2 over seas moves....2 lay offs...buying and renovating a house....if we didn't have love. We'd be over by now. It's been a stressful 18 months and we've made it through...but thank god for love and respect!

And maybe thats all love really is.. or should be. Nowadays, the media, movies, etc. bring about this idea of love that drive our expectations through the roof. We still don't know what love truly is, we can really only define a basis or a foundation for it. We're given the idea through childhood fairy tales and romantic movies that there's always a heighten sense of emotion... positive emotions. Emotions are supposed to run rampant through our bodies giving us this overwhelming sense of happiness. Sure the movies/books depict some conflict between the lovers, but its the passion they share that stems out from the rest. And I think thats where we misinterpret love. The movies don't include that fine line between passion and love.

Maybe all love is or needs to be is that general respect for each other resulting in a closeness. Its an everlasting friendship. Its a simple idea, and I'm sure as we've all experienced, friendship is one of the longest lasting types of relationships. I know i'm on the idea, of "best friend". I've always heard you usually marry your best friend. They're either your best friend before you get married, or become it later afterwards in some cases. Again, I realize true love is something you have to work at when you're in a relationship, but I just don't see why some times it gets so complicated... or why we make it out to be so complicated.

I want to say a personal thanks to Car1, luv my bird, PDM, and Mom2Monty for your insight and testimony. It's nice to hear that there are people out there that are in it for your significant other. It gives me a little bit of hope in this trying world we live. Considering part of the foundation for my personality is based around being what you would call 'hopeless romantic', it makes things quite difficult sometimes.

Thanks