RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Broken up after 2 1/2 years

Umm.. to answer some of your questions,

1. Your jealousy may be understandable, but why do you think your girl needs the company of other men so much? (Does she have female friends, too?)

She's told me that in the past, whether or not she's with a guy she would always flirt for attention, She seems to get along quite well with males rather than females and its most likely because of the flirting. AS for female friends, she does have some.... but not many.

2. Why does she need to flirt with them, be especially friendly with them, receive inappropriate texts from them, borrow their clothes, start falling for them?

As said in the first question, she craves attention and I don't know why she doesn't seem to get enough from me. I mean I'm always there for her when she needs me, she's usually the one to text me after work or when I'm done classes asking if I'm coming over right away. The same thing goes for the friendliness, she just gets along with guys better. The innapropriate texts I'm not sure of. Yes she did answer to them in the first situation, but she did nothing to really stop them until I saw them. The jacket she says was cause I wasn't around when she was cold at work so she took it, but why she kept it is what I don't get. The guy she started falling for was because he seemed to have his life on track more so than me.... and thats the reason she fell for him slightly. Other reasons was because during this time she had "woman" problems and our sex life dropped dramaticly.... She felt as though I didn't think she was beautiful enough anymore or didn't desire her, but I only never initiated sex because of her problems out of respect for her. After that fight she was better and our sex life flourished again.

As for the counsellor, yeah I think both of us would benefit from it. I've suggested couples therapy but she didn't seem interested in really talking about it when I brought it up. She's happy that I am getting councelling though. I guess its still too early on and shes still to hurt by all of this... as much as i am.

If you are both in pain, and you both want it to work, then couples therapy could be very useful.

I really want to too... I mean I've seen the errors I've made and it pains me. I hate seeing her in pain... I mean she's cried when we cant really go somewhere cause of her anxiety acting up and we have to go home... and I just hate seeing that. Right now I'm trying to give her some space to see if she talks to me or not.

Has any counselling been organised yet?

OK, carl, that song by garth brooks! OMG. When i was dating the "love of my life" in high school (yeah I know) he played that song and said it was a good thing it didn't turn out that way for us. I laughed and agreed, a month later we were broken up. Ironic I think.

Now, I think I might have some advice for you. For the most part, I think i will be echoing Carl, but in a different way. I am 18, so take what I say how you will, I know I have a lot of growing to do, but I have had to grow up real fast after my high school "sweet heart" (if you could call it that).

Story: Me at 14, never been kissed and usually the ugly duckling becomes a freshman in high school, gets a sophmore to like her and then life changes fast! I grew out of the ugly duckling and grew into myself. I became more beautiful with fleeting self confidence. This guy was perfect. At first. He was sort of popular and it made me seem more interesting. After about 2 months of dating he started to make things really serious. It frightened me because of my inexperience in anything. He started talking about love and marriage after TWO MONTHS! but i was smitten and very niave so I thought the world of him and his thoughts of a future. It felt like I had struck something more precious than anything in this world. I truly did love him. I believe he was my first love. Then he started cheating on me. At first it was kissingother girls and he would be honest about it, then I would find out from other people and he would try to lie about it first. I know, why did I stay after the first time he did that? I thought he loved me. He could make himself cry, and every time he would apologize and he said the thought of losing me killed him (tears streaking down his face) and that he would never do it again, blah blah. I remember these moments like they just happened. Of course I would hug him and say it's ok, it's over, if you promise no to then i will stay, but next time it's done. Believe me "next time" came and went and we weren't done. He was pretty jealous from the start, but I never noticed at first because of how smitten I was. But as other guys noticed me (older guys than him!) he started to get really jealous. So, when the cheating began with him, i slowly got to an unhealthy point of jealousy. It worked it's way there though, but once it's there it is hard to ever make go away. He was ALWAYS talking to other girls and hitting on them, but if he saw another guy NEAR me I was in for it. HUGE arguement, and then, him probably going off somewhere and cheating on me again. It hurt. a lot. After a year and a half my parents banned the relationship. Since we went to school together, that worked not at all. I hated seeing him talk to other girls where eventually I was just like him. I was anti-social with my family and friends during this period. A lot of people stopped talking to me at all because of him. It was pointless being my friend. we were off and on so much, I cried SO many times thinking it was really over and it wasn't. everytime people cared less and less, and it hurt because I felt so alone. I had suicidal THOUGHTS, and even tried self harm a couple of times. I was trapped in this little tiny box with no air holes. he was a very abusive person, emotionally. He has a wacked family, so some of it, I know where it comes from. He hurt me, and controlled me, and emotionally wrecked me for a LONG time. The abuse was purely emotional at first, then it turned sexual. I had no choices with that anymore. He would basically say "if you don't with me I will find someone else". And I loved him. I depended on him for my happiness since I felt so empty and alone. So i would, there were times I would say no, but it didn't matter if it was yes or no to him. He got what he wanted. Then the abuse turned physical. One day in school he grabbed me by the back of the neck and squeezed so hard he left fingerprints.

That last act of abuse was, for the most part, our end, after almost 3 years. We still got together in the following months, but it slowly ceased and he moved away. Sorry for that long story, but I'm getting to where it is relevant. he would tell me that nobody but him would want me. he knew how self concious I was. he took advantage of that weak emotion and he knew it worked. What you need to know, I thought I couldn't LIVE without him. Even though he hurt me repeatedly, I thought I still NEEDED his love. I almost ran away with him a couple times, but I never could go through with it.

I'm not saying you have that sort of relationship at all, don't get my meaning wrong. I have felt that rage of jealousy. It makes people do crazy things. It's like this little ball in your stomach and it throws you into a fit of pure unlogical rage. and it hurts you. When you can't trust someone, you hang off there every call and worry when you don't know who they may be with. It is the worst thing to do to yourself. I know. You end up losing sleep, weight, and life just flat out sucks. Slowly I let go of what I had. Now, I am with someone else. He treats me like a true gentleman should treat anyone. I have a choice to be in the relationship. we depend on eachother, but also have our families. we hold one another up, always being there for support, not dragging the other down ever chance we get. It's been a year and 3 months. I NEVER thought I could live without my ex. I thought life would just cease. Now, I am happy. I have a life, and a family back. I am not trapped by him.

so the point of this (SORRY THAT IT IS LONG AND RAMBLY) is that I know you feel like your life will completely suck without her, and to be honest it will. at first. then, when you open up to new people you will see things you enjoy. You will start to fall for someone else. It takes time, but you have to give people the chance. And when you do move on, don't let your jealousy consume you again. I know it's hard. I still struggle with it myself, but I am much calmer because I am with someone that I know I can trust. He knows I have these issues, and he has been the biggest help since my last relationship. Moving on is tough. I have been there and I truly sympathize. I am again sorry for the length, but I just wanted to show you that I know and understand your feelings. I know it's long, and probably means a lot of nothing, but I am hoping somewhere you maybe found advice.

That was very uplifting, birdygirly016, and should be of great help to others on here.

You did well, to sort yourself out and get back into the pleasanter side of life and relationships.

Well done!

I hope it will help.
It took a lot to grow and accept what happened, and now, all i could wish for is my experience to help somebody else.

Birdygirly016, I very much appreciate you and your stepping up to tell it like it is! As you have said, relationships can be different in various aspects, and yet, there are similarities.

One can say, but you don't understand, I and my [fill in the blank] are different. But the point is, when the relationship is not equal, both lose.

But I guess my heart goes out to the one who is harmed.

The good news is that one can break free of that! You did. Good for you!

Thanks, again, for sharing.

Of course.
I hope it will help.

And you are right, relationships are all very different, but some are also very similar. Sometimes you gotta step up and break the mold =D, it's not as impossible as it feels marioman, I promise. Once you start fresh, you will feel like a whole new person

In a way, anytime that I can help someone with what I went through, sort of makes it worth it for me. It gives that horrible period a purpose now. As they say, everything happens for a reason.