RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up confusion

to be honest i was scared of writing the letter and giving ti to her because i thought she might think of me as a doormat for still caring. I will write the letter and give it to her but i just don't know how things are going to turn out. My friend says that to get her back i need to fix the things in my life first, i agree with him. I really do love this girl and I want to be there for her even as a friend and hope that I can one day get her back. I'm afraid to tell her my feelings because I told her I loved her a week ago and I think she felt uncomfortable by hearing that as she said we should be friends and see how it goes, and said she felt pressured. I feel that if i profess my love she may be able to manipulate it like i did to her. many thanks for your help, I realise I have some issues since this happened but it feels like now that she has friends in uni she doesn't need me.

People are constantly reassessing their lives, Michael. Both you & she are doing this at present.

I still think the letter is a good idea, provided it is honest but objective ~ a clear explanation of how things stand in your mind and how you see them in hers, what you hope for, what you are sorry for, but agreeing to respect her wishes and not put her under any pressure.

Can you honestly do that?

Would you be willing to accept simply friendship, if that turned out to be all that was on offer?

And yes, sort out your issues first, if you can.
Good luck!

hi again many thanks for the kind advice ive been recieving, I'm going to give drop the letter off at my ex's house on thursday so she can read it the next day when she gets home. I have another question though. we seem to be drifting apart, it's like we have nice talks when we do talk but then she doesn't call me or expresses any interest in being my friend, its like im the only one thats exerting any effort in the situation. Does anyone have an idea if shes doing this intentionally or if shes hurting? help is greatly appreciated

The thing is, the letter is to simply tell her how things stand, from your point of view. It is not, necessarily, going to make everything right for you ~ certainly not immediately.

She has said to you: 'she loves me as a friend, .. having a relationship with her work load is too stressful, .. she hopes we can rekindle after university'.

She probably thinks that you need time apart, so that you can accept that the romantic part of the relationship is over ~ at least for the time-being.

Maybe you will get back together again, after her course has ended. Maybe before then. Maybe never. Maybe you will just remain friends. But, even as friends, she doesn't have to keep in touch with you on a regular basis. She has university work to do and family pressures to deal with.

Remember, you said: 'she said we should be friends and see how it goes, and said she felt pressured'

If you put her under further pressure, you may lose her completely. Don't exert all this effort. It won't help and it might make matters worse. She wants some time and space.

It may be intentional on her part, or she may be hurting. This should have been part of the reason for the letter ~ to say that you will give her space and leave her alone, but to confirm that you are there for her ~ at the end of the phone ~ if ever and whenever she needs you, because she was there for you, when you needed her. Then leave the ball in her court.

What, exactly, are you expecting from her?
You want her to phone you?
You want her to meet up as friends?
You want her to love you again?
You want her to not get involved with other boys?

There is no guarantee of any of this.
No-one can help who they fall in love with ~ and no-one can help falling out of love.

I think that love can be re-kindled, but if this is ever to happen in your case, you will need to respect her decision.

How old are you both?
Sometimes, around the time people go to university, they change ~ mature into adults, if you will. It is then that long-term relationships, which had endured through the teens, can draw to an end.

Not always, though. My husband & I met when we were in our teens & we have now been together, very happily, for nearly 33 years.

Good luck

thanks for the reply. im 17 and she is 18. I want to give her space alone and im trying to, im just scared that she may confide with someone else and they might become closer to her and i'll be kind of left at the side so to speak. I would just like her to open up to me at her own will, obviously i cant do this but ive jsut been trying to think how I could et rid of the awkwardness so i could at least spend time with her over christmas while she is home. I want to help her more than anything, more than getting back together with her I want to be close to her again and just hope i dont get stuck as a friend forever. As you said you believe love can be rekindled and i think right now she is confused and needs someone to talk to, she is very self independent however and tries to deal with stuff without talking much. I think In all honesty that I can get her back (forgive me if that sounds arrogant its not my intention) but first I just want to help her and be there for her. first i need to break this awkwardness

Why don't you just try to be patient, and see how she responds to the letter?

thanks:)

Ive jsut ran through a list of things im going to include please tell me what you think:


[list]
[*] I'm sorry for taking my depression and anger out on her especially because she was trying to help

I'm sorry for not being more understanding and understand how rejected i made her feel but that it wasnt my intention to do so.

I love and care for her a lot and respect her decision and want her to be happy but think that I can make her happy.

that im over the depression and that im improving myself everyday and that I hope one day we can get back together

that im always there for her and i hope we can spend sometime together over christmas

That sounds good ~ perhaps you could make it clearer about respecting her need for time & space.

hi thank you for the reply. here is my letter, I think it needs much editing but i really tried with it. please be harsh with me i want it to be as good as it can, ps i think the part about getting back together needs some change

.....
[Item deleted, at request of poster, for reasons of privacy ~ PDM]

Yes, that seems fine ~ it must be yours & it must come from your own heart.

I really think, though, that you do need to really confirm that you respect her need for time and space space, without pressure ~ and mean it.
Can you give her time, without requesting her attention?

Also, assure her of your willingness to remain friends, even if the relationship doesn't work out ~ provided that you mean it.


Eg.s (but in your own words):

Though I hate it (or 'it hurts me') when we are apart, I realise that you want and need time and space for yourself & to think things over, and I promise that I will respect that decision.

If isn't possible for us to renew our relationship, then I hope that we shall always be friends.

Good luck!