RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Non-Romance Relationships: Friends Relatives Etc. Worried about my sister

I actually have a question which could use some Carl and PDM input, as well as other advice givers

I dont want this to turn into an immigration debate, but this information is necessary for you to understand my motives. My sister (15) is dating a guy who is 19. I am very upset about this because he is too old for her and he is an illegal immigrant. When I was 15 I started dating an illegal immigrant who was 22. I did not know he was 22 (he said he was 20) or that he was here illegally. I got pregnant four months after I met him and gave up a scholarship at a great school to have my daughter. I married this man and he abused me for almost 2 years before I got up the courage to walk out. That being said, my mother never said boo to stop me from seeing this guy when I was 15. I was waiting for her to say something, I was being "rebellious". It never happened and my life changed. I now have a great boyfriend who loved my daughter. I dont know where her father is and he has no desire to see her. I hope you can see where this is going. Im afraid for my sister, I dont want her to make the same mistakes I did. And after seeing one daughter go through that, you think my mom would try to prevent this from happening again. No. She is 100% supportive of this! The 19 year old guy is a friend of my moms boyfriend (who is not a good guy, I might add, and also an illegal immigrant!) Is she STUPID? If she would stop being my sister's "friend" and start being a parent, I wouldnt have to worry so much. I can't say anything to my sister because despite us being so close, no one can say anythign to her. She gets very defensive and blocks you out (she has bipolar disorder among other issues).

Im also concerned with the illegal immigrant part because a multi cultural relationship is hard on many levels (cultural differences, language barriers, etc.), and having a partner who is here illegally is scary. Every day is dangerous because if they get stopped for a brake light out or something, they can be deported and youll never see them again. Jobs pay low and that affects the couple's finances. You cant get married for fear that it will make "getting papers" harder. You worry about what will happento you and/or your childen if your partner is deported. And most of all, many illegal immigrant men who get together with citizens do it so that they can "get papers." I dont want that for her. It is HARD. And I dont want her to get hurt.

I told our father about these concerns, and he is very upset but we cant really do anything about it. My mom has custody of my sister, and even though my dad has asked her to come live with him, she wont. Why would she, she gets to do whatever she wants now! And even if he fought for custody, in MD when a child is 13 or 16 (I forget which) they can decide with whom they want to live. My sister woul be 16 by then anyway. Can I do anything about this?

Also (sorry this is SO long) I planned to have J's pary next weekedn and was goign to invite both mom and dad and both sides of the family. They dont get along well, but I thought they would be able to be civil. Now, with what is going on with my sister, I know she will want to bring the 19 y/o boyfriend and I know my mom and dad and possible the rest of my family will end up getting into a fight. I dont want any probelms at my house. It is a small apartment and I just hate drama. So last night when my mo called to ask when the party was, I lied and said I wasnt having one. I feel bad about lying to her but I dont know what else to do. I really want to have Js party and Im close to my dads family. right now I think I might vomit if I see my mom or sister. Im very upset with them. So should I cancel the whole party? Or continue with the lie and only have my dads family over?

Wow...... Given the potential for ugly drama, my feeling is that you should have the party & just have Dad's family over. The problem is that if anybody ever slips up and mentions it, later on, then your Mom and sister will know they were excluded. Can you handle the potential fallout? Is it worth the risk?

If you think you can get away with it, though, I'd say go for it. (I don't normally advocate such things but in this case I think you, J, your Dad, and your Dad's people have a right to enjoy a happy, fun, no-hassle event, and bond with each other without chaos and drama.)

As for your sister, the only thing I can suggest is maybe editing out the party stuff in your post above and printing out the rest. Ask your sister to please, please just read it, think about it, and maybe you two could talk it out later --- sort of a no-pressure "can you just hear me out?" thing, except she can read it on her own time and it's less confrontational.

You made many great points in your post, and maybe she'll think it over when her defensiveness is at low ebb... I wonder if she thinks your life is just awesome & struggle-free, and so why not do the same in her own life? Maybe she needs a reality check...

What a very worrying situation for you!!
I am very sorry that you are going through all this.

Would it be possible to have two separate celebrations for your little girl~ with the one for your Mum and your sister a bit later and more low key ~ like a children's meal at a take-away, or something? That way, the families would stay apart, but all could be involved. And you wouldn't have the worry of secrets coming out.

I agree with Pudgie's Mom about showing your sister your concerns, printed out, rather than simply confronting her, as if you know best. Fifteen-year-olds will always respond badly to that ~ well, many older people might too

I can certainly sympathise with your worries, especially as this girl is so young ~ not much more than a child. There is every chance that he could be taking advantage of her. Maybe they are taking advantage of your mother, too.

Of course, they might be nice decent people in a difficult situation, but you cannot know that and your sister is too young to be taking such risks ~ in my opinion

Thanks guys. I agree with the two seperate celebrations. I just hate the drama. And I completely agree PDM. I know that this guy might be a good guy (although I have heard BAD things about him, but gossip is gossip so I take it with a grain of salt) but for me I dont CARE if he is a good guy or not. He is too old for her and that is enough for me. What could a 19 year old guy want with a 15 year old girl besides s-e-x? IMHO, not much. As a 19 year old, he has a lot more dating options.

Ammagiepie, I read your post and I want to tell you that I sympathize with your conflicted feelings. What I am going to say to you will sound harsh and I hope you will understand that I would suggest what I am going to tell you if this were my own daughter.

Your instincts are absolutely correct. This young man should not be dateing your sister.

I know from personal experience that illegal immigrants sometimes feel they are above the law and know that if they committ terrible crimes there is no way to find them. If the law is on their tails they can simply go back home until it cools off again. They operate under the radar. It is easy to enlist other friends they have in their crimes because they can blackmail those friends into helping or cover up a crime. They simply have to threaten to turn them in or tell them that they will be found also if the other guy is arrested.

She should not be allowed to date this guy and your mom is being irresponsible to let her.

Her feeling for this guy are irrelivent as she is too young to decide what is right for herself. That is what she has parents for.

You know what is right and I believe you should turn this guy in to immigration. He is here illegaly. If he is willing to skirt the law this way, what makes you think he will do what is right with your sister.

There is a very real chance that if you wait, he could talk her into leaving the country. If he does take her out of the country, there are many unscrupulous people who might get their hands on her and she could wind up in an underground prostitution ring. They love young girls for these rings. Virgins bring even bigger profits. I am sure this guy know this.

Your party is the least of your worries here. If you turn him into immigration anonymously, you won't have to be concerned about anything else. JUST DON'T TELL ANYONE YOU DID IT.

You will be saving your sister a world of hurt. There will be plenty of years for her to find mister right. This guy is not him and you know it in your heart.

They may think you made the call, but they have no way of proving it if you stick to your story and say you knew nothing about it.

In this case, you have tried reasoning and it is not working. I don't believe anyone is going to listen to you. I believe you have to step up to being the parent and do what you have to do. Do what you would do for your own child if she would not listen to reason.

Good luck

Joandboys, I dont think you sound harsh, this is exactly what my dad wants to do. He has already asked me for his address, but I dont know where he lives, although he pretty much lives at my moms now with my sister. I just hope he never meets this guy, because my dad is a little crazy and he might hurt him. After what happened to me, my dad is completely and utterly infuriated with my mom.

Then you would be saving your Dad also. His instincts are in high gear also. I would listen to both of your instincts. Your Dad and you can pull this off. Get together with your Dad and follow him. I have done this before. You just have to be very careful. Don't do it without your Dad. Use two cars if you have to and cell phones to communicate. Stay far away and see where he goes. You can even supply a photo to immigration and just tell them where he is if he goes to someone elses house. I am sure you don't want him picked up at your Mom's but if that is what it takes, I say "do it".

as far as the problem of the party - you could have one party at your dads with that side of your family and then have another party at your place with your mom's side.

That way you are in the clear with everybody.

As far as your sister - 1. She is not going to listen to you. That is the worst part. But has it occured to you to talk to the boyfriend - something just short of a threat about is illegal status and his age. I wonder if it has occured to him that he can be prosecuted for rape if your sister gets preganent with or without her cooperation.

There is always to possiblity the love each other but he is 19 and there are legal ramafications that he may need to be reminded of.

Well, Amaggiepie, everyone has had so many great things to say, looks like I'm not needed. But thanks for valuing my advice.

Myself, I see nothing wrong with just the 3 of you and a cake for her to get messy with (and pics, of course). Maybe a friend can take the photos.

The print-out is a good suggestion. Chances are, as has been said, she won't follow your advice. But later, she may look back and be grateful that you tried to give her the benefit of your experience, and that you loved her enough to want her to avoid what you went through.

But the good thing is that our paths can start in a new direction at any time in our life. You made the move.

Someone recently told me that they admired the maturity you show on here.

Thanks Carl. I have really found that this forum is a place full of great people will a lot to share. A lot of the reason I want to have a party with all of my family (besides the birthday celebration) is to show off my new place. Im really pround of what Ive accomplished and I want to share that with them. It feels good to have something that is mine, that I did by myself. And also, Ive always had to share my party with all of the other march cousins, so I wanted us to have a party by ourselves. Its more special that way, for me at least.

I will probably have a cake with my moms family and have the party with my dads family. I think its just better that way.