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Joined: Dec 2004
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Originally Posted By: MW1
I just started a new job about 6 weeks ago, before that I had been let go from my previous job in March of 2009, struggled to find a new job and ended up with a temp job that was supposed to turn perm after 6 months... the 6 months came and went, and then I found my current job.

My husband has been miserable with his job for over a year and a half now - really down in the dumps, not interested in doing anything which includes working out, meeting people, having fun, etc. I have tried to encourage him to get out and do things, find a new job, etc. but none of that has worked. I told him i thought he was depressed, because I know what it feels like and looks like to be depressed (I've been there and seeked counseling that really helped me out) - but he told me he didn't need that.

Needless to say, things have been rough for us over the past year or two. I turned to drinking when I lost my job and almost lost control - trying to get a hold of that now - but still run into problems when things get too hard for me to control - like now. My new job requires me to travel around the world. I had my first trip 2 weeks ago - I was gone for 15 days... and I loved it. and I can't wait to get back out on the road. This bothers him, along with the fact that I said my job might take me places around the world if any advancement opportunities arise in the future. I told him I was considering it as a possibility down the road. Again - he didnt like that.

Ugh - I don't know where to even start. I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. We've been together 11 years and I'm only 28. I don't know if I made the right decision. I don't feel like we're on the same page anymore and we've tried talking about things, but I have a feeling it's too late. I've been the hold up with kids and with me wanting to travel and maybe move out of the country for work that just puts things farther back - kids wise. I need some input - I will provide additional details if questions are asked.

Last edited by PDM; 03/10/10 01:50 AM.

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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Originally Posted By: BLR
Welcome to the forum. Hope we can help you sort thru this.

You have got to figure out what you want. Do you want this marriage to work? What if you suddenly lost your wonderful job you have now?

How much did drinkng have to do with the 15 days that you loved? Sorry blunt question but I know where you are coming from.

Did you ever love you husband and why? Do you have the courage and strength to stand by him while he sorts out his life?

Mem usually don't "need" counseling until their life blows up in their face. Then they feel the counselor is bias.

Do you want kids, ever. Does he want kids. Just wondering if this is an issue.

Sorry I didn't have any input, just questions.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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Hi MW1, and congratulations on the job! smile

You and your husband have been through a rough time. This happens in many marriages, especially if there are problems with work and / or money. Stress can be caused by many things: if one has a great job and the other is unhappy at work; if one wants children and the other isn't ready; if they no longer want the same things from life; if either or both feel that they are no longer in love.

I think that, sometimes, people marry too young and then grow up, and apart, but young marriages can also be very close, because of all the shared times. Could you have some kind of reminiscence evening ~ remembering early dates, looking at old photos, etc?

I agree that your husband sounds depressed and I think that your great new job may make him feel worse, but that's not your fault and you had problems through losing your previous job.

Men tend to identify themselves with their work, more than women do, I think, so this could well be a major problem for him.

My husband & I met when we were teenagers; I have been in a horrendous job, he has worked away for weeks on end, so, naturally, there has been stress at times (I was the one who suffered depression), but we have been together, now, for 35 years and we are very happy.

Do consider BLR's questions.

Do you love him & do you want the marriage to work?
Does he?

You say that you don't think that you are, but this sort of negativity can happen when things are difficult. You could come through this and be very happy together.

Certainly, if you are not sure about the marriage and your feelings, then children should not be considered.

How did your husband react to your drinking, by the way?

Do you believe that you can you find a way through this?
Do you want to?
Maybe marriage counselling could help?

Maybe you need a joint action plan.
~ You both work on your marriage.
~ He must see about his depression and possibly look for another job.
~ You agree to travel with your work for so long and then have children, provided the marriage is on a firm footing by then.

Something like that, but which suits your own situation and personalities. smile

Have a look at John Gray's website. Understanding each other and yourselves could be the first step on the way to improving matters, and Gray's site could help. You may be able to find his books in the library. I thought that they were very good with helping to understand, and communicate with, the opposite sex.

http://home.marsvenus.com/

Good luck! smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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First and foremost, I want to be happy. I say this and I feel like it makes me look selfish... but then I think back on my life and I don't ever see me trying to make me happy. When I was a child I worked so hard to make my parents happy and my friends happy - then my world came crashing down and I lost all my friends because I was relying on them too much - I was severely depressed, not taking care of myself via eating disorders and cutting, drinking to the point of blacking out and almost running away because I didn't see how else I could have escaped my life. Then I met David and I was happy for a while.

I dated David all through college - long distance, so part of me thinks I had a pretty good college experience because I was able to grow, but then I look back and I see how other people came out of college - with friends. The only person I came out of college with was David. It got to the point in college with David where I wanted to make him happy and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. I changed the way I looked, did things for him because he enjoyed them... not me enjoying them. So here I was, after my entire childhood of making my parents happy and I was again trying to please someone else instead of myself.

And this always wanting to please someone else despite it not making me happy has continued - until about the last year when I started doing things that made me happy - it just so happens that these little things that made me happy didn't make my husband happy and he didn't want to be around me when I did these things. These things were small too - like enjoying a couple of tv shows, and a lot of these tv shows we started watching together but then he decided he didn't like them anymore and he told me I could go into another room to watch them. In addition to this small interest, I decided it was time for me to work on making and maintaining friendships - this included seeking counseling, trying to open myself up to people, etc. and it's working some. Most of my friends have come through my work and I have maintained those friendships even after I got let go from my job.

I have dealt with many issues over the past couple of years, including difficulties with my parents, falling off the bandwagon with my eating disorder, drinking, etc. I have been going to counseling and medicating as necessary (not self medicating - seeing someone who determined what medicines would be best for me to take). With this counseling I now think I have a pretty good grasp on my relationship with my parents, I am back on the bandwagon re: my eating disorder (though with that it's always going to be a constant struggle), and I have gotten a handle on my drinking (for the most part - I still go back to it at times and am working to move on from this - trying to find other ways to deal with the stresses of life, marriage, work, etc.).

With all of the above going on, I thought my relationship with my husband was ok - but it wasn't. David didn't like the fact that I talked to a counselor instead of him, he didn't like the fact that I wanted to watch TV shows that he didn't like, he didn't like the fact that I wanted to make friends outside of our marriage - he didn't understand why I wasn't happy just having him as a friend and spending all my time with him. I told him I needed other people - sure I have my family and him, but I needed and wanted to develop friendships with people. And why did I want this after being with him for so long? Why did I not speak up about it before? I have always wanted it but I honestly don't know why I never spoke up about it before.

I'm not sure if I want the marriage to work. Part of me wants to make it work because I see how much pain it is causing David and I love him and hate to see him in pain. But then, there I go again staying with something because I want to make them happy. Don't get me wrong - David and I have been talking about this every night now since I got back from my work trip - but I don't feel any different... I don't feel like it's going to work. But it's still early, and we've just started this process.

Re: drinking with the 15 days I loved. Not much - Beer and wine here or there, but I loved it because not only was the location amazing, but I really fell in love with my job in addition to the opportunities that the job could offer me. I'm extremely excited about where the job can take me and I want to travel. I told my husband I hoped I could go back because I loved it that much - this did NOT go over well. It also did not go over well when I told him I could travel more than 30% (to maybe 40, so not much more) - which to me is not bad especially since with my prior job I was on the road 100% of the time - every week for over a year - and it wasn't around the world it was just up the coast. With this job I could go all over the world - South America, Europe, Africa, and the list goes on.

Re: "Did you ever love you husband and why? Do you have the courage and strength to stand by him while he sorts out his life?" : I did love him - I do care for him. I want him to be happy. I have encouraged him to find a new job - this has been 3 years in the making. I have encouraged him to get out and do things that make him happy, but all he chooses to do is sit on the sofa, watch tv and play on the computer. He has thankfully found a new job - as of yesterday he accepted it - and I'm very happy for him. He tells me that he's going to get out and do things that make him happy - but he only says that now I think because of everything that has been going on.

Re: "Do you want kids, ever. Does he want kids." : I do want kids. He wants kids. He's wanted kids for a while, but I've been holding back because I wasn't where I wanted to be career-wise. And now that I've got this new job - we were talking about having kids... but I think I've changed my mind and I'd like to push it back a while. This does not make him happy - which I can understand. He says he's almost 30 and wants kids now before he gets too old. I don't see how 30 is old.

I see my responses to the above questions and I think it makes me look like a horrible person. Like a selfish person who has changed and who is hurting someone so badly. I used to see a future with David and I - I used to see us growing old together - but now I dont. I don't know what to do - I want him to be happy and I can't stand seeing him upset. I hope this new job will help him be happy. I feel horrible for what I might be causing.

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DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON!!!!!!!!

I spent the first 18 year of my life trying to please my parents. I spent the second 18 year of my life trying to please my first husband. Neither one worked. It was for different reasons than your marriage, but just the same it didn't work because I was not being myself.

Thru marriage counseling (which obviously didn't save the marriage) I learned a lot about myself. I continued with the counseling after the divorce.

I am now living my life being myself. You are not being selfish.

My second marriage is now it its 25th year. I am very happy with my marriage, my husband and with myself. I am still working on the parent thing.

Consider this - if you stay with David because you are not wanting to hurt him is that fair to either of you.

My ex begged, pleaded etc. not to get a divorce. He is also now in a happy marriage that is in its 26th year.

Last edited by BLR; 03/10/10 04:17 PM.
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BLR is right ~ you are not horrible; you are just in a difficult transition stage of your life.

Do not blame yourself ~ it won't help.

I am going out now, but I'll get back to this. smile

Take care.


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David and I just talked... again. He wanted to know why I didn't necessarily see a future with him anymore - I told him because I wasn't sure I was in love with him anymore. Can't even begin to explain how his face made me feel. Ugh - the heart is heavy.

I told him I wanted to talk to someone outside of our marriage - not my parents, but a counselor to get some external input on the marriage. Don't think he understands why. I told him I didn't know what I was doing or what I should do and I needed some additional input from someone that isn't biased.

This is really hard - this in between stage of decision. I'm looking around the house thinking "what in the world am I going to do - we have everything together - everything - the house, the furniture, the dog, the wedding presents from 6 years ago". I'm scared and unsure of what to do.

What if I leave him and then I never find someone again? Then what do I do?

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Make two lists. One listing why you would want to stay with David. On the other side of the paper list why you would not want to stay with David. You don't have to do anything with the lists. It is just an exercise in thinking about what you have and what you want.

Listen to me - if you are not ready to walk away from everything including the dog, you are not ready to walk.

Last edited by BLR; 03/11/10 05:03 AM.
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Thank you for the advice - I will try making a list and weighing in on that information.

I do invite any additional suggestions or just experience from people as I have not been through this before (obviously) - heck... I've never even been through a break-up with a boyfriend before - although this is more serious (again, another obviously).

My husband and I are talking about a trial separation, but he has no where to go because he won't tell his parents what is going on - even though I'm sure they've figured out that something is wrong in our household. Also when my husband suggested it (after I suggested we might want to consider it) - he said let's do it for this weekend (my entire family is coming into town for my younger sister's bridal shower that I'm hosting at my mom's house and the men usually get together and grab a couple of beers while the shower is going on - to which I can understand his discomfort and lack of desire to see my family - I'm sure I would feel the same way - that was a side-track). To me that's not a trial, that's someone going out of town for a small trip. I have asked him to take the dog if we do end up doing a trial separation - the dog is his, regardless of whether or not we got him when we were together.

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I have also told him we need to get some counseling - but he's ready to jump the gun.

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