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When you say jump the gun, are you saying separate?

Maybe you are both ready to move on and don't want to be the one to "cause" the breakup.

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MW1 Offline
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I'm the one causing the break-up. He says he's still in love with me - tells me that - and I tell him I love him too, which I do. But then he says, but you're not in love with me anymore. I don't know how to respond to that other than, no, I'm not sure I'm in love with you anymore.

Jump the gun meaning go ahead and do a trial separation before trying to work anything out with counseling.

Last edited by MW1; 03/11/10 03:21 PM. Reason: added clarification.
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PDM Offline OP
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It's a difficult situation, but it sounds as if it is working itself through, already. You and your husband are being truthful and communicative with each other. That is positive. Counselling can be really worthwhile, if it is with a good counsellor. A trial separation could be a good idea, because it will help sort out your feelings.

People grow apart and fall out of love, but people can also get into a rut and feel that they are no longer in love. It sounds as if you may soon know which it is in your case.

What if you leave him and never find someone else?

You may never find someone else.
He may never find someone else.
He may find someone more compatible.
You may find someone more compatible.

Who knows what the future may hold?

Do you stay together, regardless of your feelings for each other, because you fear being alone?
It's a reasonable thing to ask.
But you are only in your 20s.
If you weren't married already, would you settle for someone you weren't sure of, for fear of never finding someone else?

I can understand you feeling very confused over this. When you marry, it is meant to be forever.

It's all very well saying that you are an independent adult, responsible only for yourself, but, with close relationships, it is rarely that simple.

However, you cannot really make your husband happy, if you are not happy, yourself.
He cannot really be happy, knowing that you are not really happy to stay with him.
Will he really want you to stay, only because you are frightened of never finding anyone else?

These are things to think about, not reasons to end your marriage.

He loves you & you love him. I think that it is worth trying to rediscover the romance ~ try to make a new start.

Your life is changing, whatever happens. Perhaps you can sort all this out and look to the future together.

I have seen people in this situation.
For some, they get through it and their marriage gets stronger.
For others, the changes are too great, and they decide to separate.

It can go either way.

Good luck smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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I agree - it is a very difficult situation. We are being communicative with one another - but at times I wonder if it's even helping the situation. Counseling will be hard because my counselor wasn't available this week and i'm traveling next week, then things pick up at work and with this being a new job it's going to be hard for me to say I can't work. I think a trial separation is a good idea too - but I just don't know how long it should be, if I should get a temporary apartment that's furnished already, etc. I don't want to stay with my parents - that won't give me what I'm looking for and they'll be bugging me the entire time about how things are... That and my little sister is getting married at the end of April, both David and I are in the wedding - so we need to stick that one out. But I'm afraid the longer we stay together in the same house the angrier I get and the more distant we become, regardless of our conversations/discussions. Do we trial separate but put up a good face for everyone else?

I know people grow apart - and I told David that I wasn't sure if I'd grown apart from him or if we were just in a rut - he told me he didn't like that response because it meant either way I wasn't "in love" with him at the moment. He kissed me last night - I didn't feel anything. He says he feels like I'm sleeping further away from him in our bed, but to be honest he's got a body pillow that has always laid between us in bed. I've asked him repeatedly (in the past) to get rid of it or move it to the other side of him, but that hasn't changed. He says he needs it because his thighs stick together, but every time I wake up he's laying on his back and the stupid body pillow is laying next to him untouched.

Re: "What if you leave him and never find someone else?"
I've been thinking about that - and I think I will be happier regardless. That and I keep telling myself there's never just that one person for you - don't believe in the soul mate thing, personally. I also keep thinking that he will find someone that he truly deserves - not someone who feels nothing from being kissed, hugs him just because I know that's what he needs, and other things because he wants it.

It is a fear of being alone? Could be because all I've ever known is time with him - it's been 11 years and we've been through a lot, but I know I've changed. But also a lot of thinking about having to split everything up that we've gotten together - that's going to be quite a task. He doesn't want his bed because he says there are too many memories - and that's just the start.

20s is young to me - not to him. If I weren't married already, I wouldn't settle for someone I wasn't sure of, someone that didn't make me happy. It will be hard in the beginning (if that beginning comes), but I will get through it - I'm lucky to have my family here in town and my friends both in and out of work.

I'm extremely confused. I don't know how I feel and if I feel is just a phase - I have gone through this before recently, but then after a day I snapped out of it - this has been a while now (and by a while I mean several weeks) and I don't feel any differently than what I did the day I brought this up to him, regardless of his efforts and my efforts to talk things through.

I asked him if he wanted me to stay to make him happy - he said no because he knew how I felt. I feel like we need to keep things "together" right now because my grandmother is dying, my little sister is getting married and there's just so much going on right now that I can't stand to make anyone else uncomfortable or unhappy about what's going on with David and I. I don't need to bring my worries into their lives because they have plenty of things going on that they need to worry about.

There is much to think about. I do love him/care for him and he's "in love" with me - there is a difference to me. We are trying with the romance thing, but it's really hard when I don't feel that romantic thing for him. I've tried looking at old pictures of him and I through the years, but that just brings up other feelings that were present but have not surfaced until recently.

So confused... and so unsure. So hate being in this situation and seeing how it's affecting David.

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The thing is, you are working it through.
That's all you can do.
You can vent on here, and ask for opinions, and we will try to help, but only you ~ along with your husband ~ can actually make those important decisions.
And I think that you are making them.

Quote:
I don't know how I feel and if I feel is just a phase - I have gone through this before recently, but then after a day I snapped out of it - this has been a while now (and by a while I mean several weeks)

Actually, if you and he have been down recently, a few weeks is not that long smile

Quote:
I feel like we need to keep things "together" right now because my grandmother is dying, my little sister is getting married and there's just so much going on right now that I can't stand to make anyone else uncomfortable or unhappy about what's going on

I can see your point. Plus, you and he need to be able to give your full attention to this very important matter.

Do you think that your time working away could contribute, a little, to knowing how a trial separation might feel?

I can sympathise with your confusion, and your not wanting to hurt someone you love.

Good luck smile

Last edited by PDM; 03/13/10 08:53 PM. Reason: typo

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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A few weeks isn't long - it's just longer than then temporary one day ruts I've had before - and those ruts were never discussed with David because they went away (or I pushed them away).

Me traveling could help - but I'm thinking a period of time longer than 4 days/3 nights might be necessary and more in line with a trial separation.

This forum has been extremely helpful over the past couple of days - it has helped me think more about things and realize some others... unfortunately I still don't know much. I do have an appointment with my counselor - but it's not for a week and a half - it was her first availability.

He is having dinner with his parents tonight - I was supposed to go, but with my younger sister's bridal shower tomorrow, me being out of town until last Saturday and all the after-work discussions I have been having with David, I haven't had much time to prepare and I was counting on tonight as one of those nights to prepare - food, favors, games, presents, etc. It's a TON to do and I don't want what has been happening to me impact my little sisters day tomorrow. I told him it might be a good time to talk to them about what's been going on - because I've been talking to my parents and I've been using this forum, whereas he has not been talking to anyone.

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Yes, he probably needs to offload too.

Another view on things often helps us to rationalise out thoughts.

Glad we are able to help. smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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It is a very difficult and painful situation you are in. Many of the things I hear you talk about center around your career and traveling and the division of your possessions and interests you have. You have spoken about encourageing your husband to get a job and trying to encourage him to create a social life for himself. If I may reflect some things back at you, it strikes me that very little of what you do is centered around each other. You mentioned that he seemed depressed and you seem to be conveying that you think it may be because of his feeling about not haveing a job. You mentioned also that he seemed unhappy when there were things that you did separately or when you traveled and then expressed enthusiasm about traveling again.

Has it occured to you that perhaps he has been feeling as if there was an ever growing distance between you and that he has been affected by this and feeling lonely. Perhaps the little things that occur to emphasize your differing tastes in something as small as a television program, only serve to drive that fact home even more. Perhaps it wasn't the enthusiam to travel that bothered him but rather a lack of the separation bothering you. Now that you both are talking at least he is able to put an explanation to what he has been perceiving all along.

You certainly should not feel guilty for being honest and trying to discuss these issues with him. You have also expressed feelings for him and regret over hurting him.

You admitted that you have chosen to excape and handle your life by self medicating and presently going to counseling and taking proper medication in an effort to figure out what you want.

Although your husband has chosen to not go to counseling it does indead seem as if you have grown apart. Sometimes we don't so much grow apart, though, as much as we simply neglect being together until the love withers and the closeness becomes more and more distant.

You express how hard this has been for you, but I can only imagine that it has been even harder for your husband if he truly does still love you. You might have thought he was depressed about his job, but maybe he has been depressed about the lack of intimacy and bewildered about why and what to do about it. While you have had the excitement of travel and career advancement, he has had time on his hands to sense and fear he was loosing you. Sometimes that can be paralyzing in and of itself, without the added failure of your career going down the drain.

As for your wondering if you will turn around some day and realize you have made decisions and lost someone and might not find someone to love again.

That is a very real possibility. I say this because, you are high on life and excited by what your future holds and hungry to taste things you have been denying yourself all your life but not without a price. You admittedly have excaped from reality before and all this excitement might be yet another excape of sorts. At the end of the day, the most important things in our lives are the people we love and the warmth and closeness of someone to hold that you know cares. When all the glitter and excitement is long gone, we all return sooner or later to what is our hearts desire.

You have asked a lot of probing and provocative questions but I truly believe that until we ask those questions of ourselves until we "know" the answers it is really foolish to make life altering decisions. You can separate and you can travel and you can meet exciting people and have new and exciting experiences but if you are looking for something that was right in front of your eyes and you didn't know it. If you didn't know it because you didn't dig deep enough to discover what you were really looking for. You would not be the first person to turn around some day and find that what you really wanted is no longer there.

You have talked about the feelings that are not the same in your marriage and I would submit that many things can affect that. Paramount among those is "perception". Some things are not as they are but as we perceive them to be.

Other things that affect our feelings are medications. Sometimes they don't help us to feel as much as they prevent us from feeling.

Last but not least, nothing can thrive or survive if you starve it. Romance and love are like dancing the tango. At first it may be difficult and awkward but once you learn to do it right, it can be fun and sexy and romantic.

You are putting a lot of thought into your life and you mention that your talking about separation before you have finished figuring things out. I am sure you are both tired of being unhappy but remember that you "could" spend the rest of your life regretting a hasty decision.

I truly hope you and your husband find the answers for you both.




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I think that you have mentioned some areas well worth considering, Jo.
Quote:
Other things that affect our feelings are medications. Sometimes they don't help us to feel as much as they prevent us from feeling.
Yes, that's true.

Last edited by PDM; 03/13/10 08:56 PM.

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Jo made me think.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to sort out what you have posted, MW1, so that we can look at different areas.

I hope that this may help:


As a child you worked hard to make your parents happy.
You worked to make your friends happy.
Your 'world came crashing down'.
You lost all my friends because you were relying on them too much.
You became severely depressed.
You took little care of yourself.
You didn't eat properly ~ to the point of causing ill-health.
You drank a lot and would even black out.
You were self-harming.
You wanted to run away from your life.
You met your current husband.
You began to feel happy.
You dated your husband through college.
It was a long-distance relationship.
You were happy in college, but didn't make any real friends.
You started doing things just to please him and make him happy ~ including changing your look.
You did this regardless of whether or not this pleased you.
You got married when you were about 17.
Things have been rough for you over the past year or two.
About 18 months ago your husband realised that he was unhappy in his work.
He lost interest in doing anything, seeing people, or going out.
You have been encouraging him to find another job.
You used to watch a couple of TV programmes together
He stopped enjoying them.
You had a job working away all of the time ~ but not far from home.
About a year ago, you lost your job.
You turned to drink and came close to losing control of your life completely.
About a year ago you realised that you had always tried to make others happy, but not yourself, so you decided to start doing things that made you happy.
These things, though, made your husband unhappy.
You decided to watch the TV programmes that your husband no longer liked.
He told you to watch your favourite TV shows in another room, without him.
You started going for counselling and getting the medical help that you need.
You have been getting to know people and you made some new friends.
You have been trying to sort out the problems with your parents.
You have been trying to deal with your eating and drinking disorders.
You thought that your relationship with your husband was ok.
You thought that your future was together and that you would grow old together
Your husband felt aggrieved that you talked to a counselor, rather than to him.
He didn't understand why you needed other people ~ other than him.
He felt bothered that you wanted to make friends, when you already have him.
It took a while for you to find work, but, after getting a temporary contract, you finally found a new job that you love.
You tried to help your husband to cheer up and to become interested in his life again, but nothing seemed to work
You thought that your husband seemed to be suffering from depression.
You recommended counselling, but he didn't feel; that he needed any.
You have suffered with depression, yourself, and alcohol can still be a problem at times.
Your new job involves a lot of travel, all over the world ~ about 30% of the time.
You went away for 15 days, recently, and you loved it.
You can't wait to travel again.
This bothers your husband.
You may even be willing to consider promotion in your new job, which might involve more travel ~ about 40% of the time.
Your husband is not happy with this.
You love your new job and find it exciting.
Your husband is not happy about this.
Your husband seems to enjoy watching tv and playing on the computer.
Your husband has now found a new job.
He says that he is going to start going out and doing things that will make him feel happy
Your husband wants children soon ~ before he is 30, as he wants to be a young father.
You had discussed, with him, the possibility of having children fairly soon.
You have now changed your mind and decided to delay having children.
You want children, but not yet.
You want to be happy.
You want him to be happy.
You feel guilty that you are causing him to feel unhappy.
You feel happy with your 'new' attitude to life and feel that you always wanted to have friends and go out and enjoy life.
You love your husband, but you are not sure that you are 'in love' with him.
You are communicating with each other about this.
He says that he is still in love with you.
He feels very sad that you aren't sure that you are in love any more.
He thinks that a trial separation could be a good idea.
He doesn't want you to stay with him of you are not in love with him.
You do not feel that your marriage is going to last.
You have doubted your marriage before, but the feeling hasn't lasted.
You feel nothing when he kisses you.
He feels that you are sleeping further and further away from him.
You feel that you have been kept away from him in bed by his body pillow.
You are now 28.
He feels old ~ going on for 30.
You still feel young ~ in your 20s.
You feel fearful, confused and unsure of what to do.
You wonder what will become of all your joint things if you separate.
You wonder if you will find anyone to share your life with again, if you separate.
You feel that he deserves someone who loves him completely.
You have looked at old photos, but they just brought up feelings that used to be present but which have not surfaced until recently.
You have a lot on your mind with your grandmother's illness and your sister's wedding.
Neither of you wants to upset the rest of the family or get pressured by the family.
You hate upsetting your husband and just want him to be happy.
You feel that you are at fault for causing him pain.
You feel that he needs someone to talk to.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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