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Joined: Dec 2004
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I hope that all will go well for you and that you will work out what is right for you.

Good luck smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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Platinum Star Soulmate
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It's always scary to start a new stage of life. It is OK to be afraid. Gather up friends and family around you and build a support network. That is going to be key.


Lisa Shea, Owner
Joined: Mar 2010
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MW1 Offline
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I have told my husband why I think doing a trial separation is important - it will give me time to think and assess how I truly feel about the relationship because I believe living in the same house with him doesn't really give me that space and time I need to figure things out. Does this make sense? He seems to agree.

So here's a question - what do I do when I move into the apartment? We aren't filing for legal separation - we're doing a trial one. Do I move out my things from the house? Obviously I'll have to move out a bed and my clothes, but what about the office furniture and the rugs that he's said I could keep. What about dishes and cookware?

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Hi MW1 smile
You should do whatever seems right for both of you.

However, as this is a trial separation, my gut feeling is to take everything that you might need and just put away the things that you won't need.

If you move out and take your things, then you won't have any of his things around you, but for him, if he stays there, and you leave your things, then they will always be around him. It seems fairer that he doesn't have to deal with this to a great degree.

On the other hand, if you just take everything with you, then that might seem a bit too final for a 'trial'.

But you will need to talk this over together and make your decision based on what feels right for you.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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I've decided to post some emails my husband and I have sent to one another recently. One from him after we got off the phone with one another. He has asked me if I would like to eat dinner at his parents house this evening - I asked him if he was going to tell his parents about us having some issues - because he said he was going to this weekend after we talked about a trial separation. He said no, he wasn't planning to. I don't know if I should go to dinner at his parents house or not - I keep finding excuses - I want to go to the gym, I have to wake up early tomorrow because I have to be into work early. Then I think to myself I could just drive separately and go over there for dinner then leave immediately after that - again with the excuse that I have to wake up early. Background provided - here is the email he sent to me: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've got a real issue with the way you've been treating me. I'd just assume you stop calling and talking to me if this way you intend on treating me. When we talk, you treat me with apathy and resentment with anything I do. I hate that you keep a romantic distance from me but I can handle it while you sort these thoughts in your head but if I'm your "best friend" like you say, you need to start treating me that way and stop taking advantage of me being there. I don't know of a friend that treats another friend the way you're treating me let alone a "best friend." The only time you are sweet and nice to me is first thing in the morning. I'm not sorry that I won't tell my parents yet. I'm doing ok at processing my emotions. I'm keeping a positive attitude and I'm coming to terms with the situation. I don't need to let everyone know that this aspect of my life sucks right now. I also don't want to poison the waters with anyone you have a relationship with just in case you do decide that you need and want me. I know you are going through a difficult time but please keep in mind that you aren't the only one. I still think the rejection that I'm facing is a little bit more difficult to handle than your indecision. A little kindness from you would go a long way towards a reconciliation because if this same pattern continues, I think it would be better for you to move on and leave me alone. Don't forget that you've been the one calling me. I haven't called you so you can have some space. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here is the email I was in the process of writing him - the first two paragraphs were written prior to receiving the email. All subsequent paragraphs were written after reading his email to me: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was getting ready to send you an email. David - You wanted to know what you did to make me angry - I'll tell you. I thought we had discussed on Sunday the possibility of us doing a trial separation - but it seems to me that you've now just completely ignored that conversation as you've decided you don't need to tell your parents about anything that's going on because you're afraid it might put me in a bad light. That might be the case with what happened when you told Brandon about me - but to be honest Brandon acted like a friend should act - he's sticking up for you and putting me down to make you feel better. Your parents, I think, would react differently - they would be supportive of you but not put me down in the process. I think that it's important to turn to your friends and family during these tough times - they will be your support system, which, I believe, you will need. Maybe when we talk to the marriage counselor next week some things will get cleared up and they will be able to help us better determine what to do. You may be trying to give me some alone time to think about things, but at the end of the day we're still going to see each other, we're still eating dinner together, we're still sleeping in the same bed/house (depending on where we might choose to sleep at night) - we are not allowing that space and time to think about things and if you can't tell this is frustrating to me because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my thoughts. I know you know where you stand - that you love me but you're in limbo right now because I am the one ultimately deciding what the course of action will be. I have been waiting on the apartment because I want to hear from the counselor - in the mean time I don't know what the hell to do. In the mean time, while I've been thinking about the apartment, I wonder what the heck I'm going to be doing with our furniture - suggestions I have gotten from my online posts is that I should remove things that would remind you of me because I'll be moving out and will not be surrounded by anything that reminds me of you - as the purpose of a trial separation is to give yourself time to reflect. I have just now realized that you haven’t been calling me – I didn’t notice it until you pointed it out in the email below. I know I’m not the only one going through a difficult time right now and I’m sure it’s more difficult on you because you’re the one left with the feeling of rejection and you’re the one left just waiting around for me to go ahead and make up my mind or figure out at least what my mind is thinking. This is difficult – I don’t know what to do, where to go or how to handle things. I think I end up getting angry and mean with you because maybe in the back of my mind I’m hoping if I do decide the way you don’t want me to decide, that it will be easier on you because you’ll hate me and want to get away from me. I’m having trouble preventing this from impacting my work because it is on the forefront of my mind. After work I come home and I’m left with more thinking to do. My only release has been to go to the gym in the afternoon and kicking myself in the butt there. My parents are now calling me all the time asking me about how I’m doing or how the night before was or whatever – I wish they would just stop asking and let me try to figure out what the hell is going on with my life!! I don’t need to hear the fact that mom thought about divorcing dad after they were together for 7 years because he was working too much, she thought he was cheating on her, etc. etc. I don’t need to hear the fact that grandmom and poppop have gone through thoughts of this as well – I don’t need to hear other people’s stories – I need to focus on my own and where that’s headed! I don’t need people trying to influence my decision one way or another – I’m an adult and should ultimately make the decision that is best for me in the long run and right now I don’t know what that decision will be. I’m confused. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for the impact this is having on you – I’m sorry I’ve been angry and mean – there’s no excuse. All I feel right now is confusion and frustration. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Any insight/input would be greatly appreciated!

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You are being honest.
I'm not sure what else you can do.

By the way, I'm not sure that it is ok for you to post his e-mail word for word ~ if only on the grounds of copyright.

Re parents, etc, people do seem to want to give advice and tell their stories, rather than leave you alone to sort yourself out. Partly this is because they care and want to 'keep an eye on' you; partly, it's just the way people are.

You say that you need time and space to sort yourself out. You have told your husband this; have you told your friends and family? Is that what you want from them ~ time and space?

This is a big step that you are taking and your husband sounds like a decent person, so I can really understand that you don't want to hurt him and that you do want to be sure what to do, as far as the future of your relationship goes smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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Thanks PDM - Good thing I didnt put all of it in there - just what I thought was applicable. Good to know for the future though. Hope this doesn't cause any issues.

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I do think that I've made a decision on what I would like to do - despite this making my husband unhappy. I don't see myself being happy until I can actually get out of the house into an apartment by myself to think about things and assess the situation I'm currently going through. We have our first marriage counseling appointment next Tuesday - I feel like I have to wait a week to tell him these things because of the pain and the anger it will cause him. Do I tell him now?

I plan to get a separate place but to continue the marriage counseling - at least weekly if at all possible. I think living alone and doing the counseling will help me to figure out some things in my head - sort through things.

I really want to do this.

Joined: Dec 2004
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I think that the marriage counselling is a good idea, despite what your counsellor said. It means that you are doing all that you can to save the marriage and not just walking out on it without giving it a chance.

You may even find that, once you have looked at everything objectively, you will surprise yourself ~ yorselves ~ and be able to make it work, with new rules in place, etc smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
Joined: Mar 2010
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We shall see what the future has to hold - appointment is next Tuesday...

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