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#398424 04/05/10 01:12 AM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2
Grumpy Offline OP
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'And, do you have a boyfriend yet?'
'I don't have time for that, it gets in between me and my goals. Besides, things like that are silly and insignificant. I'm not one of those hopeless girls my age that fling themselves away and act so demeaning.'
'You'll change your mind soon enough...'

Alright, the title warned you! You don't want to hear an odd very-soon-to-be 15 year old Belgian female vent about the thing it doesn't understand, seriously. I realize that I may or may not be annoying you, but... what better place is there to find an answer than this?

Before I explain the situation, I first want to tell you a possibly essential way of thinking that has nestled in my head. No matter what people say, I can't help but to feel that showing affection is demeaning and shows weakness. When it comes to subject with my more close online friends (Like hell I have the guts to talk about that with my real life friends! I can't even tell my therapist.) they always wonder why on Earth I think that. It normally ends up with me trying to change the subject due to it making me feel less of a person.

I suspect my role in my family plays a large part in it. Basically, I make sure my drug addicted sister and my parents don't end up killing each other because they're enthralled by strong emotions. I try to show my parents that I'm not going to be like her - emotional. Whenever the thought of the whole "boyfriend" thing crosses my mind, I can see the disappointment. 'I thought you were better than that...' I admit it makes me feel very bad. I know affection and "love" is a large part of human life - after all, we are mammals that live in social groups. I just can't get that way of thinking out of my head. (If you have or haven't been wondering, the famous dark hole of depression has gotten to me once or twice. Now it's somewhat being fended off by pills.)

Alright, without further ado:

I've known and "ignored" crushes, so this hit me by surprise. About halfway through my first year out of elementary school, I left my old school which I couldn't quite stand due to the old-fashioned ways, catholic nature and people in general. I went to the school of a longtime friend of mine. The school was needless to say, awesome. Amazing people who are different from anyone I'd met before. Surprisingly accepting people!

One of the people my friend introduced me to is the object of my frustration now. Over a year or two, we grew to be pretty close buddies. But yeah, boohoo, flirtation. Even though I tend to inspect peoples' behavior, it was more or less subconscious with me. Commenting my lips, wanting to sit next to me in the bus, when I was lying with my head on my friend's lap in the back of the bus he taking her place when it was her stop, chasing each other on the beach during a school trip, and all the weakness goes on.

I'll say that life in school with that group of friends was pleasant. Last year, the depression bug got to me and made me miss out on a lot of school. In the end, through complicated things I don't want to relive, I chose for education via Skype. (Which has brought me many good things I must say.) But, I'm quite the recluse. I ended up missing my friends - him the most. Now I thank the internet for anonymity! Yeah, yeah, he makes appearances in dreams. From seeing him having a girlfriend and being annoyed at me wanting to smash monsters with him in a cave (Dreams!), to the disturbing kiss.

Argh, I've been starting to accept throughout the last months that I may possibly have some kind of feelings for him. Of course I've been waiting for it to leave, but it doesn't bother to go away or at least lessen.

Now, what is this? Is this the dreaded hormones playing a trick on me? How should I cope with this? I'm feeling pretty badly due to the whole complex, so it's time to search for other means to get rid of this damned pain in the a-

My apologies!

In any way, if you're still here by now, I thank you for reading my rant.

Grumpy #398487 04/05/10 10:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
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Bah, forget about it. I can't stand the idea that this is online. Is there a delete function here? Can't seem to find one.

Grumpy #398494 04/06/10 12:23 AM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,019
Platinum Star Soulmate
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,019
Grumpy - don't be shy about sharing your feelings! We are here to help out. The first step is to talk about things, and it's awesome that you are doing that!

I understand completely the fear of making yourself weak by making yourself vulnerable to someone. This isn't just about the opposite sex. It can be anybody. There is an element of risk involved. If you give someone your emotional access, they can then choose to hurt you. Still, having people who care about you can be a HUGE help in achieving your goals and dreams. So it is a trade-off. If your desire is to achieve great career goals, having people who stand behind you and help you can be wonderful.

If you want to be a vet for example, you could have a partner who helps you study, who cheers you up when you're frustrated, and who drives around to clinics with you. Having a supportive partner can be amazing.

So yes you see the negative sides - but also keep in mind the positive sides. A partner should NEVER be a hindrance or a liability. They should be an enthusiastic supporter of your dreams.

Lisa Shea, Owner

Moderated by  Lisa Shea 

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