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Joined: Dec 2004
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True Blue Soulmate
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Good luck smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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Not to jump in, I just have been reading for a while and found your story/account moving.

Just wanted to wish you good luck along with the other posters. smile My best wishes to you!

Joined: Mar 2010
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MW1 Offline
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So I don't think when I talked to David last weekend about wanting to do a trial separation that it really sunk in to David and to me (!!). The more I thought about it this week and the angrier I got whenever David was around, even though he'd been putting in an effort to "disappear" from the house so I would have time to think about things - the second he would get home I would immediately start snapping at him and I was angry and unhappy. He kept asking me why I was getting angry at him all the time because he wanted to know what he was doing to cause my anger so he could fix it - I told him I didn't know... finally yesterday I figured it out. I was angry just because he was there and because I wanted to be alone. I told him that I needed to get an apartment to start the trial separation. He asked me how long - I told him I didn't know - so now the challenge is going to be finding a place with a short term lease option available. I've looked into hiring a moving crew to help me move out over a weekend after I have found an apartment.

All this makes me nervous and scared, which I'm sure is normal because this is a life-changing thing that I'm going through. I know this is probably a repeat of what I've said before, but as more time passes I start thinking about things, and wondering if I'm making the right decision, etc.

I talked very frankly with David last night. He asked me if I just didn't want to be married or if I didn't want to be married to him. I told him I just didn't want to be married... and I wasn't sure if I ever would want to be again. I told him that this has been hard on me because I keep reverting back to not wanting to hurt him and I forget about my feelings and making the best decision for me - that's something I constantly have to keep telling myself... to remember me. The crazy thing is that David knows I've been doing this too - and he's playing into it, which is very frustrating for me and all the more reason I need the trial separation.

Just wanted to let you all know where things stand as I'm beginning to see this is no simple decision that can be made over the course of a couple of weeks. It's now been over a month.... and I still feel like some things are up in the air.

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True Blue Soulmate
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True Blue Soulmate
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No, this was never going to be simple. It was always going to be a huge deal.
Take care smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,019
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Breaking apart from someone you were joined to is incredibly difficult. There are epic novels written on the topic. It is not going to be easy. But sometimes you have to go through a really challenging change to realize your goals and dreams. I hope the mediator can help you figure these things out, so you can determine what you want out of life and then map out a plan.


Lisa Shea, Owner
Joined: Mar 2010
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Thank you all for your suggestions, best wishes and words of encouragement.

It will be challenging to try and keep somewhat of a positive outlook on this as I go through it, but in the end I know at least I would have put in the time and the effort to figure out what's best for me, which may or may not include my husband, in the future.

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BLR Offline
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MW1 - I would like to offer a word of warning. After you move into your own place, after you stop hurting you may feel like you were wrong and don't need to leave. Please be sure this is the decision you want to make, and not a matter of not hurting anymore.

After I had separated from my first husband, after I stopped hurting, I told my therapist that I felt that I could have made it work if I had stayed. She said anytime I felt that way to please come in and she would play the tapes from our first session so I could remember what kind of pain I was in.

Good luck, you are starting on a scary, exciting adventure.

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Thank you BLR - I find myself continually telling myself that I need to make sure I make and will continue to make these decisions for myself and not for other people in my life (i.e. my husband, my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, David's parents, etc.). I know this will be quiet a challenge for me because for so long I feel like I have made decisions only to make others happy or to keep them from being unhappy with me or the situation. I think I saw it as, when I've made them happy, then I can begin to be happy. However, I feel as though this "happiness" that I felt was not true happiness all the time - it was happiness that I had pleased someone else. Hopefully this is not too confusing - I used a lot of "happy". Haha.

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MW1 this is absolutely NOT confusing. I know exactly you are coming from. I have said before that I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to please my parents, the second 19 years trying to please my spouse and my parents.

I had done this for so long that the real me was so lost I had quite a hard time finding myself. BUT once I did, you cannot believe how much I enjoyed be me and I have continued to enjoy being me.

I also want to tell you something else. I used to go around picking up every piece of GUILT that was laying around for the taking. I finally got to the point that I would look very closely at the guilt to determine if it was mine or not before I picked it up and put it in my guilt basket. Then I got to the point that I could actually take pieces of guilt and thow them back on the floor.

I still fight the inclination to pick up any piece of guilt laying around but I am so much better at just walking by and not picking it up.

SO, please stop and think if the guilt is yours before you put it in your guilt basket.

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Yes I remember reading one of your previous posts and I felt as though I could possibly relate with you the best as it sounds as though you and I are rather similar (or I am where you were :)).

I had never thought about the picking up guilt just laying around for the taking - I might do that - but I feel like what I really do is try to carry the burden of pain for individuals in my family. I am always the person people call, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when you start to hear everyone else's problems and you never unload your own it's pretty easy to feel bogged down. And the reason I don't unload my own problems is because then I worry about them feeling bad and having to be involved with and deal with my issues - when they're mine and I should be the one responsible for working through them and figuring them out. Take for example, what's going on with me and my husband. I have told my parents and both my mother and my father were calling me up to find out how I was doing at least a couple of times a day, in addition to telling me what I should be thinking about and how they've gone through all that before, blah blah blah blah blah. And then I hear from my mother how stressed out she is about everything and I've added to that stress - so this ends up making me feel bad for even telling her. She also told my younger sister, who in turn asked me about David and I. I told her a cursory overview of where things stood (note this discussion with my little sister was approximately 3 weeks ago). We got together last weekend for some little girl time and I told her some more details - what does she start doing? She starts to cry and starts freaking out about my husband being in the wedding (because she had asked him to be an usher) - so I immediately switch from trying to find someone to bond with to someone trying to ease the crying bride - focus switches to her and to myself I say, as it should be - I don't want to wreck her wedding - I told her not to worry that we would be there and that we were never thinking of not going, etc. etc. and that everything would be fine for the wedding. That was the last time we talked about it - we then went on to discuss her house, what she wants to buy the bridesmaids, what's on her registry and how she needs to add more, blah blah blah again. I'll just keep quiet and listen and provide feedback where she desires it. ugh. whistle

I am dealing with things with my husband right now (trial separation, me having an apartment and trying to figure out how the heck that's going to work, me trying to tell David that it's not that I don't want to have kids with him or that I don't want to be married to him, it's just that I don't know if and when I want kids and if and when I want to be married (again), etc.), my grandmother being in Stage 4 cancer (although with her new medicines she is sounding much better!!! so that's a positive), my siblings and parents calling me and crying to me about my grandmother (among other things), my parents and their suffering business given the tough economic times and how they don't know if they're going to make it through and what are they going to do if they don't, my little sister and her wedding planning, my older sister and her not getting along with my siblings and parents - it's just a lot to deal with. I've been trying to deal with it the best I could - I've been working out at the gym an hour and a half to two hours a day, been staying busy at work and at home (i.e. cooking meals, doing laundry, working on work at home, etc.) - but I feel at times like I'm starting to break down - crying because there's no other way my body knows to deal with things as well as boxing myself off from people. I think this breaking down is normal - it's just getting very difficult to remember what should be on the forefront of my mind - that being to figure out what's going on with my marriage and myself!! Oh, and my grandmother and my little sisters wedding....... confused

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