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It does sound like you're dealing with QUITE a lot so be patient with yourself. It's going to be hard. That is OK. You'll have troubles and doubts. That's OK. Focus on one day at a time. Try to work in "you" time - time to just sit, time to take a long, hot bath. Time to meditate. Time to go for a walk. You need that time right now.


Lisa Shea, Owner
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So we went to our first marriage counseling session yesterday - I didn't find it to be at all helpful - maybe because my husband and I have already talked about these things? My husband's eyes started to water - and what do I do? I start to laugh because it makes me nervous and that's how I respond to things when I'm nervous. Way to go! High five for insensitivity on that one!! eek

Maybe after we have our individual sessions next week and then meet up again for another joint session the following week, I will start to feel like I'm getting something out of it... because right now I feel like I've just wasted $50 in co-pay for one session - $200 after 4. mad

My husband said he liked her, which is good I guess, but I seemed to be the one under fire with all the questions being asked of me. I guess this makes sense though because I'm the one that's questioning whether or not I'm in love with him anymore.

Today is his birthday - I've bought him a nice present, I'm taking him out to eat and I've bought him an ice cream cake to help celebrate. Let's hope for one night we don't discuss how crappy things are going with our personal lives and we just enjoy the night to enjoy it. Let's also hope that I don't get irritated with him - If I feel like I might start to I'm going to have to think about something else because tonight should be his night and I don't want to ruin it for him. I have a lot I need to take care of at home when I get home, but I'd really like to run to the gym for a quick workout so I can get rid of some of this stress....

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You seem to be doing your best & trying your hardest to do things right and no-one can do more than their best smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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It seems pretty clear that you're a very selfless person. Especially in the way that through all of this, you still want to give your husband a special day for his birthday. You're an intelligent person, and a selfless one, and seem to be really trying to go through all the options that are available. I think you should keep that in mind when the feelings of guilt come around! It helps to be retrospective. Although you may not have a tape of previous sessions, like BLR said, but you do have the posts here! I know they help me when I have questions about my movement towards Atheism. I would go back and read them sometimes, it might help you too, to see the broad spectrum of thoughts you've had.

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MW1 - I would not judge the session just by the first one. That is always the rough one, as you get used to the person, and the room, and the situation. This is a process. We know it is not an easy process, and it will take time! Give yourself permission to go slow, to let things unfold at their own pace. You can't rush it. Invest yourself into the upcoming sessions, I know that they have a chance of helping you out.


Lisa Shea, Owner
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So - I had my first individual session with the marriage counselor yesterday - we talked about various things, ranging from the details of my apartment (which I have and have moved some things into, just no furniture yet - that will have to come maybe this weekend or the following - don't know yet as this weekend is my little sisters bachelorette party and next weekend is her wedding) to the details of how the trial separation would work (dating vs. not dating him, others, etc.) to my parents relationship and my husband's parents relationship to what I thought were some strengths of my marriage to my husband. This last question threw me for a whirl because she wanted a response other than "we're best friends." I could barely answer it - the only things I said were we got along well with one anothers family members. I guess that's a strength? but I don't know what other types of strengths there can be in a marriage.... and I've been thinking about it, but I just don't know and nothing really comes to mind.

Let's see what else we talked about - we talked about how long I had the apartment for - I told her I got a 6 month lease with the mind-set that one way or the other it's a good investment because if my husband and I do end up staying together than the 6 months of rent I'm paying were worth it to save the marriage, and if we don't stay together than the 6 months of rent were worth it to help me figure out what will make me happiest in the long run.

My husband also had his first individual session yesterday - the details of which he did not spare me - he told me everything. He said he talked about me most of the time - how probably the reason I'm so career oriented is because I get a sense of pleasure in knowing that I'm doing a good job and succeeding at work - something I never really got much of from my parents when I was growing up. They also talked about my parents relationship and how vocal they are vs. his parents relationship and how they rarely fight and yell at his household. Hearing this, although it's true, irritates me because I feel like he's bashing my family in a way. Could just be the "you can't talk bad about my family unless I start talking bad about them, then you can join in" thing.... She apparently asked my husband if he would take me back after the trial separation - to which he said yes, but he'd be wary because he'd be concerned that I was just coming back to him as a friend instead of as someone who truly was in love with him... and even though that might be what he wants - for me to be with him - he knows it would be unfair to me because I wouldn't be happy. He talked about how he wouldn't want to be friends with me if we ended up getting separated/divorced. He said they would discuss the terms of the trial separation next week when we meet up with her again as a couple. and he just went on and on about what they talked about. Maybe he felt better talking about it to me - I don't know. All I know is when I got to a therapist, be it for marriage or just my other therapist for myself, I don't really feel the need or desire to talk to him about it - because to me that's the purpose of going to them.

Anyway - I'm anxious about moving into the apartment. I want to do it now because I'm getting so angry with my husband over just him being there. The Marriage counselor said i'd probably feel really lonely - but when I think about that, it's what I want - I want to be alone - with just myself and no one else (besides my family) to worry about and take care of.

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Originally Posted By: MW1
... what I thought were some strengths of my marriage to my husband. This last question threw me for a whirl because she wanted a response other than "we're best friends." I could barely answer it - the only things I said were we got along well with one anothers family members....

Does he make you laugh?
Do you feel that you can completely trust him?
Do you like the same music / films / hobbies/ places /foods?
Do you actually like each other?

I'm guessing that these might be some of the thingsthat she might have been looking for.
What do you think?


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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Originally Posted By: PDM
Does he make you laugh?
Do you feel that you can completely trust him?
Do you like the same music / films / hobbies/ places /foods?
Do you actually like each other?


He makes me laugh sometimes, but with how things have been lately I rarely find myself happy... not only around him, but pretty much all the time. I feel like I'm beginning to slip into a depression all over again and I can't seem to get myself out of it. I have been going to the gym and that's helped me feel a little better - but for the most part I feel sad.

I can trust him - he's always been an honest person.

We like some of the same things - but I just don't know - I don't enjoy the time we spend together when we do things together - all we talk about is my apartment and me moving out - and then I start to think about all the expenses I've got coming up - like paying for movers, getting furniture that I need (the basics - tables, chairs, etc.) and the other things I need (silverware, pots, pans, plates, cups, etc.). That just weighs on my mind - and then I'm thinking about my little sister getting married this upcoming weekend - and I know I can't talk to anyone in my family about what's going on right now (i.e. me moving out of the apartment to a house) because they don't need to be dealing with that especially the week before the wedding. In general, I guess I feel alone because I'm lying to my parents about where things are with my husband and I, I'm just a big fake person putting on a good face for everyone else and I'm tired of it and it's wearing me out. He asks me if during the trial separation I decide that because he's my best friend, that I want to stay with him because that's just easier than starting over. I told him I don't think that'd be a good idea - that I would be concerned about this coming up again later on down the road and by then we could have kids, etc. etc. Ugh.

He likes me - I like him. Only problem is that liking coming from my end isn't always there - and it's been more prevalent recently. I told my husband that I just wish he hated me because then it would make things so much easier.

I've been talking to my husband about the apartment - which is weird. He's been asking me questions about it and I've been telling him. I'm getting movers to come to my house on Friday to help me move some furniture. I'm torn with what to take - thinking I'll leave all the office furniture except for the sofa in there. I'll be taking the card-board table as my kitchen table. I'll take some furniture upstairs, but then I'm leaving everything else. I think I might start packing up some boxes this week - but I'm afraid I won't be able to do that with my husband around. He made it very clear to me that he didn't want to be around when I was moving things out - and technically packing boxes is moving things out - or at least prepping to move things out.

I'm just tired and frustrated with how nothing seems to be moving forward. I hate being stagnant - I want to start going somewhere.

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This is bound to be a very, very difficult time for both of you.


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ok - new update.

We had another meeting with the counselor yesterday - this was a couples meeting. Started off fine - I told her I had an apartment, that I was getting movers to help me out on Friday to move furniture into the apartment - figure I'll take care of all the little things - trying to reduce the amount of hours they charge me for, etc. Then we got into the Trial Separation agreement: bills, talking, dating, etc.

My husband and I have already figured out the bills - since he'll be at the house he'll take care of water, electricty, gas, television, phone, etc. since he'll be using it. I'll take care of cell phone and gym - but he'll reimburse me for the portions of those bills that are solely related to him. My name is on those two bills so it's just easiest for me to take care of it. I'll also take care of the second mortgage payment - to continue contributing to the equity of the house. Our joint checking account will remain untouched unless repairs need to be made to the house, when we need to pay for the marriage counseling sessions and any other joint expenses (say when we do our "dates"). Glad we have the finance part taken care of.

As for the talking and dating part we said we'd try to do a date a week. Iniated by an email and then a phone call to confirm. We also won't be calling each other during the day - which will be hard for me because whenever I pick up the phone I immediately think about calling him because i've been doing it for so long. So for his birthday I bought him five baseball game tickets (pairs) and I suggested we do that as one of our weekly date ideas - unless he decides to take someone else, in which case the date will move to another night or just not happen that week. We'll see how this works out.

The issue that got us a little riled up was the issue of the house key - I want to hold onto it because I am not taking all of my belongings (i.e. a huge chest full of sweaters). In addition, I might find that I forgot to pack something in the hussle of trying to get everything out of the house this Friday before my little sisters rehearsal at 5PM. Then since I won't be fully moving out on that day - not fully doing it until Sunday - I'm just concerned that I'll forget something. I made it very clear to my husband that I wouldn't be just "stopping by" uninvited to get a few things. I told him that I would call first, leave a message if he wasn't there and then try to set up a time that would be convenient for him for me to stop by to get something. In the case of it being an emergency and he's not there - I would stop by but leave a message/note telling him why I had to come and what I took. I do understand his side of the discussion because he won't have access to my apartment - my own little space - but I would have access to his space. I told him that I was still paying for a portion of the house, so I felt like I should still at least have a key to get in without having to go through hurdles to do so. I also told him that if I had my own key and I asked him if it was alright for me to stop by and grab a few things that he wouldn't have to be there and see me if he didn't want to. confused Anyway - that's a discussion we will need to continue with and figure out at some point, which I'm sure we will.

The aggrivation with him being around is still there - take for example last night. We had our meeting from 5 to 6. I went to the gym and got home around 8:15. Fixed my dinner, my husband fixed his as well. Husband said he was going to go to the gym later because he didn't want to be there when I was there. I finish with my dinner around 8:45 or so - he finishes with his around 9:30 - then says he needs to wait at least 45 minutes before going to the gym - why he doesn't go right after work and just not talk to me when we're at the gym, I don't know - said he's going later to leave me alone. Then he decides not to go to the gym and decides he wants to continue hanging out with me watching tv - I get irritated and tell him that I'm starting to get frustrated with him - I think it's the fact that he says he's going to do something, then doesn't do it that irritates me because I was looking for a little time alone. Same thing is hapening tonight - he was supposed to go to a baseball game with his parents and I was supposed to stay at home (thinking to myself, this'll be great - I can start to put some things into boxes earlier rather than trying to get it all done on Friday), then he says he's decided he's not goign to do it anymore. mad Is he purposefully doing this to me??????? He's already told me he continues to ask questions about the apartment because he wants to know the information, but also because he knows it irritates me (I feel awkward talking to him about moving out and preparations, etc.). I imagine packing things up will be difficult for me - I've already had a couple of mornings just thinking about the process of packing up and leaving and it leaves me feeling almost depressed but I know moving out is something I need to do - to help find myself and figure out my life and expectations for myself.

So - move out date scheduled for Friday, April 23rd - official body move out date scheduled for Sunday, April 25th. Then I go out of town for work that Monday the 26th. At least that'll give me a week to try and get the rest of my expenses in order (internet and tv are really all i have left - already have power set up because I had to do that when I signed the lease and already have renters insurance because that was required on lease date - need to follow-up with the people about water - trash I take care of myself).

We said we'd take it month-to-month, but I have a feeling it's going to start out first as a two month thing because being away for a month doesn't really seem like enough time to "discover oneself." Counselor suggested keeping a journal to write down thoughts - think this is a good idea and it will start on move-in day. I think this forum has been helping out and acting somewhat as "journal" for me.

Sorry this was so long.

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