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Joined: Mar 2010
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Movers are here. So many emotions are flowing through me right now - tears because I'm sad, scared, afraid I'm making a big mistake. Keep reminding myself this isn't permanent if I don't want it to be. I hope this turns out for the better one way or the other.

Now how do I tell my parents and siblings?

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Quote:
I think this forum has been helping out and acting somewhat as "journal" for me.

Sorry this was so long.


I think it's great that you find the forums to helpful. I'm sure many others read with concern but just don't know what to say. I'm one of those. Don't apologize for long posts!

I hope your moving today goes alright. I can see it's already going pretty hard, but like you said, this is all in your hands. You're not out of control here. The best thing to do is really to just take it step by step.

I have a cousin going through a separation right now. She just got to the point of telling her family and said it was exhausting. It's best to take it piece by piece. I think if you make plans to tell them this way or that way, it'll be too much. Let the doors open when they open and then step into it. Planning conversations may put too much anxiety upon you.

Just some thoughts. All in all, my thoughts are with you. Things will get better I'm sure.

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Yes, MW1, you are in control. The trial is about finding out what is right and best for both you and your husband. It's amicable. That's good. I just hope that you both find contentment, after all of this upheaval. Good luck & take care smile


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This is never going to be easy, so it's OK that it's hard. Accept that it's going to be hard and you'll be confused. Give yourself permission to be confused and upset. Just take it day by day.


Lisa Shea, Owner
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Taking it day by day. Thanks to all for being supportive.

Slept in the apartment for the first time last night - it was very hard leaving my husband at home to go to the apartment. But I had to do it - traveling this week for work and all the clothes and suitcase were at the apartment. Again, very hard because it's such a big move - I cried the entire time I was leaving. Kept giving my husband hugs and telling him that I was sorry.

Now I've got to figure out how frequently we're "allowed" to talk to one another.

Have a feeling this upcoming weekend will be a doozy because it'll be the first weekend "alone" in the apartment. This past weekend wasn't so bad because it was my little sister's wedding - rehearsal dinner Friday night, wedding Saturday night, brunch Sunday morning. The only really hard part was leaving Sunday night.

Originally Posted By: Niki
I'm sure many others read with concern but just don't know what to say. I'm one of those.


I hope that those reading along and possibly going through my same or similar situation will not feel so alone - knowing that I, too, am also going through it.

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So this was the first week I spent in the apartment (even though most of it was spent out of town for work). The one thing I'm having a lot of trouble with is not talking with my husband. I'm not talking to him nearly as much as I used to, but I have a feeling talking to him every day isn't really helping me to "figure things out" - it's also not very fair to him I would imagine. We talked last night and said that we need to come up with a schedule as to when and how often we can talk to one another - He suggested every 2 to 3 days, but in our marriage counseling we had said once a week. I just don't know what to do and how to handle this thing. Do I cut contact except for the emails and then the call when we're trying to plan our "date" or do we do the every the every couple of days thing?

How long should the trial last - at a minimum?? I got the apartment and started paying for it back on April 10 but I didn't move in until April 25 - do I say at least a month? at least two months? see how I feel after a month and re-assess whether or not I should continue? We shall see....

We're also supposed to have a "date" this weekend and I told him that I thought I had something going on with some friends, but I wasn't sure what day but that I'd get back with him... he mentioned going to the farmer's market on Saturday morning, but I have things I need to take care of for the apartment - like internet and cable and I sort of wanted to get that in order in addition to getting things put away in the apartment. I do want to see him and have our "date" - but he's already suggested we not do one this weekend - maybe that's what he wants??

He says he thinks I've already got my mind made up because I usually call him when I'm upset about something. Then he asked who the first person was that I wanted to see at the end of the day and I said I didn't know. He thought I was going to say him - and to be honest I don't know if I even want to see anyone when I get home from work - I haven't been working and going home to my apartment at all - today will be the first day!! (since I've been out of town - working late, then going immediately to dinner - and I don't really feel like a hotel room can compare because you're going "home" to no one regardless). And it hasn't even been a week - I need time and I don't need someone telling me what they think I already know.

He's also been telling me that he loves me and then he gets upset when I don't say it back - I tell him that I do care about him and I love him in a different way than say I love my parents - but I don't know what that necessarily means. When I don't say it back I can hear his voice drop and then I feel horrible for not saying it - but I personally don't think I should be saying it if I'm trying to figure things out and make sure I'm making the right decision.

I'm torn, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I'm stressed. But I'm not crying!! So that's a positive!

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Doing a little better with the not talking on the phone thing - we've emailed one another about getting together tonight (he's making a dinner and I was going to go over there) - but I didn't talk to him at all yesterday. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be because I kept myself busy - I went to the gym for about 2 hours, made a Greek Chicken Stew, finished up a movie that I was watching the night before, then climbed into bed and started reading a book. Tonight I will be going over there around 7:30, but don't plan on staying for too long as we're having to get together again this Saturday around 3 or 4 to drive up to Washington, DC for a Washington Nationals game on Sunday (we're spending the night at my sister's house Saturday night). That should be interesting - but over the past couple of months when we had to sleep in the same bed together we didn't really touch at all - not that I'm worried that will happen as we're not doing "that"... It'll just be weird and I wonder if it will set me back in my quest to "figure things out". confused

It hasn't really been that bad in the apartment though - I've actually enjoyed it some and I'm getting TV and the internet service today - so that should give me something else to do - I just find myself staying busy - either doing laundry, cooking, picking up, packing up winter clothes, learning my third language, working out, reading, etc. It's actually nice... but then this makes me wonder where things will go from here - will I actually choose to be single? and if I choose that, will it be what I truly want?

I have still told no one in my family that I have moved out - this is getting to be rather tricky and I'm thinking that my mother is catching on (i.e. she was trying to get in touch with me last night - called the home line a couple of times - I ended up telling her - this wasn't a lie - that I was at the gym until late; she also called the home line on Sunday and my husband told her I was out running errands... which I was getting ready to do, but when she called I was in my apartment). My concern is that they will just "stop by" for a visit and find that all of my basic items are missing. I guess if that happens I'll have no choice but to tell them what's going on. eek

The reason I haven't and don't want to tell them what's going on is because I don't need to introduce my drama into their lives. My mother and older sister are fighting about money, my older sister and my father aren't talking and they're talking about writing her out of their will, my little sister just got married, my brother is building a house trying to get out of my parents house because he, his wife and child need a place of their own, my grandmother is still going through her illness (which this reminds me I need to call and talk to her), my older sister is dealing with trying to get pregnant again and having troubles yet again, my parents are super busy with all their work - they don't need one other thing to think and worry about. It won't make their lives any easier... so I'm keeping it to myself.

My husband hasn't told anyone either - other than the one friend who I now believe HATES MY GUTS and WISHES ME TO HELL. I have reason to believe this because of what my husband has said he's said about me after he told him what was going on between us.

Let's move on from all that - we had a "date" this weekend. Not my ideal date during the day - the husband was out and got WASTED the night before (was out til 4am) with the buddy and his fiance (fyi - this is the buddy that HATES me). He got invited to their parents house - who have a pool. He calls me up at 4AM - drunk - saying that we're invited and we should go. This makes me extremely uncomfortable because I know how this guy feels about me and I tell my husband that I really don't want to - he continues to beg me and I cave. Awkward. blush Don't really talk to them that much - spend most of the time either eating, laying out or swimming in the pool - good way to spend the afternoon without making it completely obvious how uncomfortable I am. We get there around 2PM and leave about 6PM. Husband is happy because I went and he had a good time hanging out with him. I leave to go back to my apartment to shower and clean up because we're going out to dinner later that night for pizza. Dinner went well - we end the night watching an old movie and I leave before falling asleep on the sofa. Other than the 4 hours of awkwardness - the night wasn't bad. It was nice to have a break in between so I could collect and prepare myself for the rest of the evening - which ended up being rather nice.

Again - still wondering if all this interaction will do me any good or if it will just hurt the situation and my goal.

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You seem to be coping well. It's bound to feel strange, but you should eventually be able to work out the path that is for you smile


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It does look like you're doing well. I think all the questions and second-guessing is part of your "figuring out." smile All your answers are inside of you, you just need to find what they are and except them. That's what I think at least!!

I wonder if your family should know?? I mean, it might make it harder for you, especially if they start throwing in their own opinions. It might confuse your thoughts, maybe?

Anyway, I hope things continue to go well and you find answers to many of your questions!

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I am extremely hurt. I have told my two sisters about problems my husband and I have been having. I told my younger a few weeks ago and was later told by my husband that she was "pissed off at me for what I was doing." Given this response, I thought it best to wait to tell my older sister, whom I have always considered one of my best friends.

I told her this past Thursday and we ended up getting into an argument - she told me I was being selfish, immature, that I was blaming everyone else for my unhappiness, that I needed to be happy with myself, that I need to make a decision soon because I'm 28 and I need to think about having children, that my husband is like a brother to her, that I was a cold and insensitive person (being insensitive to her, to my husband), etc. I told her all I was looking for was some support from her - she tells me that she won't say she supports me getting a divorce or what I'm doing with/to my husband. All I wanted was someone to tell me they were sorry that I was going through a hard time and that they would be there for me if I needed someone to talk to - just the way I was there for her when she needed someone to talk to and cry to when she was going through her fertility treatments but refused to stop running 80+ miles a week. The situation only got worse when we had to go up to stay at her place for a baseball game the next day. She started asking me questions - if I was going to therapy, if we were going to marriage counseling, that I would be making a huge mistake and I wouldn't know that until 5 years down the road, that I was being mean to my husband, etc. etc. I told her she needed to stop because she was acting like a mother and that she wasn't helping the situation at all. We went to the game and had to run back to her house to pick up a couple of things - they (my older sister, her husband and her son) weren't there, we didn't wait.

I was told today by my husband that he received an email from her - she said that she hoped I got through whatever funk I was going through, that she would be calling him and talking to him, that she was writing him because she was thinking about/concerned about him, that she didn't understand why I was blaming everyone else for my unhappiness, etc. etc. She wrote my husband an email first - before me. I should have known better than to assume I would get any sort of support from my family. I'm kicking myself. She told him that you can't choose family, but if she could, she would choose him. SHE WOULD CHOOSE HIM. Needless to say I didn't need to hear all the details of the email because I was still hurt to hear that she sent him an email before me because she was thinking about him/concerned about him.

I shouldn't have expected anything else - I'm the one that's leaving. I'm the one that isn't sure she's in love with her husband anymore. I'm the one that still likes the old shows we used to watch together. I'm the one that tried to get him off the sofa and get him over his depression with being miserable with his job. Go figure after I tell him I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, that he decides to get off the sofa and do things. I'm the one that's always been the hold-up with children. I'm the one that wants to do well with my new job and really thinks I have a shot at making a difference in the Company/my life with this job! I'm the one that changed from being all relationship to being not all career, but more career now. I'm the one that currently sees if I were to make the decision to stay with my husband (i.e. just suck it up, bite my tongue, suppress any feelings, settle because that's what will not only make my husband happy, my sisters happy, everyone else happy and just screw my happiness - whatever), that I would be miserable and only end up makin him miserable in the long-run. I'm the one that's being selfish, immature, cold, insensitive, etc. etc.

But you know, thinking about making me happy is selfish and wrong because according to my sister I've blamed everyone else for my unhappiness - which I'm not sure how I've done that - it's just that in the past I derived my happiness from making others happy and never really gave it any thought as to if it was truly making me happy - but... according to my sister (and my husband based on what he has and hasn't said) that I've blamed everyone else for my unhappiness. I never thought of myself as the type that would do that - I've known I've been unhappy and I took the steps to try to make myself happy.

Wo is the husband who has the wife who wants to leave. I'm hurt by my family, angry at my family, frustrated at myself for not knowing the answer right now, confused as to whether or not I really even have the passion and desire to make the marriage work because I feel like I haven't been content in the marriage for so long - you shouldn't go home and immediately get angry at someone for just being there!

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