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Please consider this. You are upsetting the apple cart. Your sisters don't want change. You were married, safe, secure. They are not in your marriage or your skin for that matter.

I know this does not make it any easier the listen to their rants, but what they want is status quo. It is very common for families to react this way.

I suppect they think that if they rant at you, you will pick up the apples and go back to your status quo.

Part of the problem is that you have not shared any of the problems that have been going on in your marriage. They think you are going from "everything is great" to "I want a divorce."

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PDM Offline OP
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Yes, it's probably a shock to them ~ especially if they get on so well with your husband.

You appear, though, to be giving great consideration to the feelings of others, and you are trying to do what is best.

Their perceptions of the situation may not be correct ~ because they are not living it.

It's a shame that they cannot be supportive of both of you, at this difficult time.

Give them time to come to terms with their new knowledge and maybe things will improve. I hope so smile

Good luck smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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Last time I wrote - I had just told my older sister and her reaction was sub-par. It has now been a little over a week - since then I have told my younger brother and his support (i.e. just being there for me if I need to talk) has been overwhelmingly wonderful. I have also told a friend here at work - that now brings the tally of people outside the family to two and both have been extremely supportive - helping to keep me busy, etc. They are the ones that actually know more about the situation than my family (because I have told them I have moved out, whereas, I'm holding this information from my family because they have just been told about my situation - do'nt want to spring it all on them at once because I know they won't be able to handle it). Anyway - with the older sister, I saw her again this past weekend and she responded quite differently to me- she told me she was wrong for reacting the way she did and that if she were in my shoes and I reacted to her the way she had reacted to me, it would have been very hurtful and hard. It was nice for her to recognize that and to apologize to me.

The parents are asking questions again about the husband and I - took him with me to my grandparents wedding anniversary celebration this weekend (which is where I saw my older sister again). Mom seems to think things are getting better, but then again she also says I'm looking different - wearing different clothes, etc. I could just be reading into this, but don't think I am when she told me that I needed to dress more like her next time we got together with the family - more preppy. I told her that I liked the way I dressed and that I wasn't going to change - ugh this is just one more thing I've got to forget about and not worry myself over. Can't stand it - she was critiquing everything I was wearing - simple little halter dress with black vest thing, cute fashion jewelry and flip flops. Apparently too risque for a lunch with the family and relatives. Whatever - I talked to the husband about that and he said he thought I looked fine and my dressing wasn't out of the norm for me - I think my mother is all concerned that I'm toning up and showing more care about the way I look - to her "I'm vulnerable and a pretty woman and there are a lot of shady guys out there" now why she would have to worry about me getting picked up at a family outing, I'm not quite sure, but oh well. This is all besides the point.

Ride to and from the family outing (approximately 5.5 hours in the car) with the husband was alright. It was afterwards that got awkward - him wanting to be intimate, me not feeling comfortable with it; him wanting to know exactly where I stand (i.e. 50/50 chance of staying with him, 60/40, etc. etc.), me not knowing other than just a 50/50 right now as it's only really been 3 weeks of me working things out and really putting the pedal to the metal with that; him asking questions on how I feel, me giving him responses and then seeing his reaction to those respones, then me feeling horrible about making him feel bad. I don't know if it's best for me to just cut all communication from him or what - I don't know if I should just accept the fact that he's a good guy, a hard worker, would be a good parent, has a good family, and the fact that he loves me and just say screw it - you're giving up too much - let me push these feelings away, let me just bite my tongue and live with what I chose to do 6 years ago.

I'm exhausted - I need a weekend where I have no family involvement and I can take that time to think and sort through things. Also thinking that I shouldn't do a date with the husband this upcoming weekend because so far our dates have lasted either an entire day or an entire day and a half and I feel like that sucks out a large chunk of the time that I really should be using to figure things out....

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Hi

Last things first ~ yes, to me a date should be a couple of hours with just the two of you, not a whole weekend with the family, etc.

Your family is beginning to come around ~ that's good.

Re clothing; You are an adult. Advice on clothing may or may not be welcome, but, at your age, you are entitled to dress as you choose.

You will sort this out, I'm sure. smile


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Last things first again... grin Re. My family - This has been a major topic of discussion at both my marriage counseling and personal counseling. It has been determined that a large source of the stress in my life comes from them - this is a result of me being the person EVERYONE (all three siblings and both parents) calls whenever there's an issue in the family or just in general with them. Not sure how I came to fill this role, but alas - it is what it is and I need to find a way to cope with it because at the moment, all I feel is annoyed every time I see I'm getting a phone call from any one of those family members. I think it has reached this point because of the inordinate amount of time I have been spending with "the family" over the past couple of weeks since my little sister's wedding back on April 24th. It's been every single week since the week before the wedding - if it wasn't prepping for the wedding, it was the wedding itself, the brunch on that Sunday after the wedding, spending a weekend with the older sister and her husband in D.C., celebrating my grandparents anniversary in Frederick, MD (a 6 hour round trip drive made all in one day to enjoy 25 people eating and arguing with one another), to helping my brother move into his new house. On top of all that I've got to deal with my mother constantly calling me - 5/6 times in a row until she can get a hold of me and NOW she knows how to text!!! Having all this family stuff and now my utter annoyance and frustration with it has hampered my ability to cope and work through what I'm really supposed to be focusing on - good job to me for choosing such a bad time to go through things! BUT - good news is, after talking to the marriage counselor this past week I've determined that I need to cut them out - at least temporarily - which I will be doing - I didn't see them this past weekend and I'm leaving for Africa for work on this upcoming Friday and I'll be there for another three full weekends - so that'll give me approximately a month with limited to no contact with them. And regarding the calls from my mother - the counselor said... and I quote: "Normally this is something I would say to a parent about a mis-behaving child, but instead the roles are reversed. Your mother is acting this way (with the multiple phone calls - repeated over and over until someone answers) because it gets her what she wants. What you need to do, and you need to do it consistently, is not answer the phone. Don't give her what she wants." I tried it out - and surprisingly it's working. I proved that it's working because yesterday on my way back home from the holiday weekend I answered my mother's phone call, whereas previously should would call and I'd roll her over to voicemail and she wouldn't call again - if she did, she was rolled over to voicemail again. BIG mistake answering the phone because not only did I get an earfull about how I need to email her everyday when I'm in Africa, but she also called me another three times in a two hour period!! I'm thinking I might have to tell my mother to back off because I'm not able to focus on my husband's and my relationship - only thing is I'm not quite sure how to do this without hurting her feelings because the last time I asked for space she started to cry. confused

Re. the emailing her everyday when I'm in Africa - I told her that I didn't need to hear any pressure from her about contacting them because I was going to be in remote locations in Africa and I couldn't guarantee that I'd even have internet access. I told her I'd have an international phone, but I couldn't guarantee that I would be in an area where I could get service. She said, well you should at least have an 800 number where you can make a call - I told her I won't be staying in hotels because there are no hotels where I will be staying. I will be staying on compounds and guest houses and sometimes even someone's actual home!! She said she would need to be able to contact me because my grandmother is in really poor shape and my grandfather wasn't doing so well either and if they died, then I'd have to get on the plane and come home immediately. I told her again, I would do the best I could - but she needed to keep in mind that it's taking me at least two and a half days to get to where I'm going. It's just very frustrating to me - she continues to tell me that I shouldn't say it's going to be fun or that it's going to be an adventure - she says I'm going to hate it and it's going to be an eye-opener. Ugh - now I'm just venting. No matter what she tells me - it won't make it true - these are things that I'm excited about and I won't let her impact that. And I'm really sorry to say, that if my grandparents do suffer some sort of fatality, I will do everything in my power to get home - but I can't stress out about having to possibly schedule a flight home for a "what if." All I can do is hope that something of the sort won't happen while I'm out of the country.

Ok - moving on from the family discussion and onto the larger matter at hand - my relationship with my husband. I'm still living in the apartment and we have set a time-line of three months at which point I am to have my decision. The marriage counselor did state though that if I felt I was getting extremely close to making a final decision, that we could extend that three-month window slightly. I'm currently feeling as though that three-month window might need to be extended slightly just given the above issues I have been slapped in the face with while also trying to deal with this. I am struggling to determine how I feel about my husband - do I love him? Am I in love with him? Sometimes I say I am - yesterday I let an "I love you" slip from my lips while I was giving him a hug goodbye - I spent the weekend with him and his family (not such a bad thing because it wasn't a constant one-on-one with him - there were a number of other couples and people down there that I interacted with). I had a relatively good time and wasn't angry at him too much - wondering if the family thing is assisting in creating that anger with him?

He has also tried to "fix" some of the things that have really bothered me in the past - i.e. his "who cares - not me" attitude where he would just come home and sit on the couch, surf the internet and watch tv - he now has multiple projects he's working on; his inability to just listen instead of telling me what I should be doing and then getting frustrated with me when I don't do what he has suggested; him not pressuring me into doing things and ultimately guilting me into doing them because he knows I don't want him to be upset at me; him trying to be healthier - lose some of the 70 pounds he's put on since we started dating, eating healthier, being active, etc. (please don't read that as me being superficial - I just believe in at least trying to live a healthy lifestyle by eating right and staying active - I understand it's natural for it to be more difficult to keep off the extra pounds as we get older). These "fixes" are wonderful and it definitely gives me something to think about - but then again, they're confusing because it makes me wonder if I decide to stay with him, will he revert back to the old ways?

Other things I'm thinking about as I go through this process: I think about all the times we have spent together - these are good things for me to do as they help me remember why I fell in love with him; I think about being alone - going through the divorce process - the pain and emotions that could be involved with that (do I really want to do that??); I think about starting over with dating and falling in love and finding someone that has my same interests and desires out of life (how do you even go about doing that??);

*** break *** mad my mother is calling my office line for the second time today. I didn't answer.

I think about this other guy that I've befriended and about how it is possible for me to meet people; I think about the nights I've spent alone in my apartment and how I've laughed at TV shows, enjoyed that time doing what I want to do, and I've thought about whether or not that's something I want to have more than having that time with my husband; I've thought about how he is still one of the first people I call when I'm upset and frustrated about something with my family... that is if I call anyone at all - more recently I've just been working out and dealing with the stress from that in that manner; I've thought about my parents, my siblings, my husband's parents, my husband's brother and how they will take everything if I ultimately decide to get a divorce; I've thought about the vegetables in the garden behind our house that my husband is growing and how I will no longer have access to those (pidly, I know...); I've thought about who I would take vacations with if I were no longer married; I've thought about life after marriage and how people view those that are divorced.

This is such a heafty decision and I don't really feel like I'm anywhere close to having made a decision.

*** break *** I just called my mother back. My grandmother can no longer walk up the stairs. They believe she's had a stroke or that her cancer has gone to her brain because she is now incontinent, the woman helping her could barely get her dressed, she's confused, can barely keep her eyes open, they didn't want to do kemo on her today because of her current condition, they're sending her in for a CAT scan tomorrow. My mother started crying on the phone. I feel like I'm the one having to keep them up - I told her it would be okay, one way or the other, because she's lived a full life - she has three wonderful children, all married, they have grandchildren and their own children. She's traveled the world and left so much happiness and joy behind her that she will never be forgotten and always treasured.

Again - I think to myself - what horrible timing. Good thing I still haven't told anyone in my family that I've moved out - I think they might die if they got anymore news of that sort... Back to thinking - putting away what I cannot control and moving onto what I can.

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First ~ looking at your Mum's point of view:

If I decided to go to Africa, especially on my own, my mother would be beside herself.

She would be on the phone constantly ~ wanting to talk to me as much as possible before I went, and hoping against hope that she could talk me out of going.

And if it were my daughter going, then I think that I might be the same.

Many parts of Africa can be dangerous ~ and mothers worry.

And I understand about being the one people contact when there is something serious to consider ~ that happens to me a lot. My son says that it is a complimemt ~ it means that people think that you are intelligent, sensible, sensitive and fair, but, ogf course, when you have your own issues to deal wit, it can be problematic. I think that assertiveness then has to come into play.

I might say ~ You know that I have a new job, which keeps me very busy, and you know that my husband and I are trying to sort out our marriage, so it would be much appreciated if you could give us some space and try not to phone us for a while, except in emergencies. That could be really helpful. Thanks..



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I'm going to Africa for work. I will not be alone - I will be with at least 2 or 3 people at all times. I understand her concern but her concern has been extreme as of late... it has been clingy, overbearing and too much to handle. It's as though she thinks the umbilical cord has been reattached and she's not willing to let it separate - only difference is I'm a grown woman who has proven herself throughout her life that she is a smart and capable human being who will choose to do the correct, safe and intelligent thing. And the difference between my mother and your mother are that she does this with every child she has (except my brother) regardless of whether or not they are 5 minutes away or a 24 hour trip away. She has taken something that could be viewed as a sweet and thoughtful thing and turned it into an overbearing, overwhelming, obnoxious thing.

Regarding me being the person that everyone calls to "dump" on - It's fine for them to "dump" their thoughts, feelings, concerns, problems on me, but when I need someone to talk to they aren't there - the focus of the conversation always turns to them having it worse and to me it's not worth getting into a "xxxxxx match" over who has it worse at the moment so I just bottle my feelings up and keep them to myself.

Thanks for the last comment though - I might try putting it into words like that to see where it goes... have a feeling it might work for a few days but then it'll pick back up to where I am at this point again... always worth a shot though.

Last edited by PDM; 06/08/10 06:58 AM.
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I'm a lot older than you ~ and, I think, perfectly competent ~ but my 'umbilical cord' is still attached, too. Some Mum's just fret a lot. Maybe it's to do with how competent they feel. Things have changed in society, and continue to change very quickly. It can take some getting used to.

My cousin ~ a woman ~ has been working in Africa, recently, and all was well. She even took her daughter on one trip. They had a wonderful experience. I think that I'd be nervous about going, if it were me, though. Maybe my Mum's anxieties are rubbing off on me smile.

I know that it can be difficult to be both strong and assertive and pleasant and polite, but, if you can carefully get it together, it could be worth trying.

Have a great time! smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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In Africa now - having a wonderful time (both work wise and just discovering wise) - definitely an eye opener. This is the first time I've had TRUE and lasting internet access since I've left last Friday. I've called my mother via the international phone when I can. I'm also using my trip to Africa as a chance to see what a "true separation" will feel like - no talking to the husband, no seeing him - and so far I'm fine. I still have trouble keeping in mind to think about myself as that seems to be the hardest part of this whole thing - thinkng about upsetting and hurting others and tryingg to make them happy.

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Africa ~ it was the continent that I really wanted to visit when I was a youngster! Wow!


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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