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Niki #404071 08/23/10 10:38 PM
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Nikki, I am sorry things are so hard right now. If you can find counseling - if only for yourself - that can surely be a help.

Niki #404922 09/29/10 04:08 PM
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Niki - the husband and I went through a similar thing back in March/April of this year. We went to counseling even though the husband was VERY against it in the beginning. With my insurance, the cost per session was $50. She met first with us both, then with us individually and then every month or couple of weeks together.

When I moved out, I was thrilled and excited too - thinking that I was finally free and I could do whatever I wanted, but ultimately I found that I could be happy without my husband, but I was happier with him and that I wanted to be with him.

Things happen in a marriage - sometimes they can be repaired, sometimes they can't. In my situation, I was able to determine what was truly the issue and I worked through that on my own. My husband and I also worked through our issues together and will continue to work with one another.

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now, I know it can be very difficult and I wish you the very best. I hope what happens in the end is what is meant to be and will make you happiest.

Re the counseling again - I have been going to individual counseling for years - probably going on 4 years now. We got a separate marriage counselor, recommended to me by my individual counselor. I continued to go to individual counseling in addition to the marriage counseling - to me the money spent was worth it because no only am I working on myself, but I was working on my marriage - trying to determine what the root cause was and trying to determine if it could be fixed/helped...

I still continue to go to individual counseling because I find that it helps to talk about things. We have also decided to continue to go to the marriage counseling - once every couple of months just to check in and make sure we're still doing what we said we'd do.

Last edited by MW1; 09/29/10 04:11 PM. Reason: additional information
MW1 #404926 09/29/10 06:34 PM
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I really need to actively look for a counselor here. This thread is making it clear to me that it's important if I want to reach my goals in life and be happy.

Nikki, do you have an update?

jilly #404929 09/29/10 07:08 PM
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$50 a session? =( *sigh* Well the lady who told me she'd get back to me with a recommended counselor... never got back to me. And I see my doctor for a full physical in a few weeks. Been having breathing problems for 9 months. Finally stopped smoking. But it's scaring me to be honest.

Anyway... I don't know. It keeps getting worse and I keep getting stronger and falling apart further more and more. Every time we try to make it work, we make it worse. We've slept together twice and it's been disastrously cold and... just plain terrible. I end up feeling used and unsatisfied.

Plus being "single" has been nice. I've enjoyed having men look at me again and being asked out for lunches and being... well flattered for who I am. Atheist and narcissistic crazy lady and all.

But on second hand it's crushing me. A break up is a break up, you move on, but divorce feels deeper and a lot more painful. Like half of my heart is missing. All I do anymore is spend my nights at home drinking which is very counterproductive to my schooling. Part of me is marching through this with my head held high, and the other is on the verge of jumping in front of the next bus.

Doesn't help that I have another thing for my family to hate me for. First turning my back on God, now my husband. It hasn't been easy at all.

MW1 #404946 09/29/10 11:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: MW1
.... I found that I could be happy without my husband, but I was happier with him and that I wanted to be with him....

Hi smile

I am so pleased to hear that you are sorting things out. smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
jilly #404947 09/29/10 11:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: jilly
I really need to actively look for a counselor here. ...
Hi:)
A good counsellor can be really really helpful, but a poor one can make things worse, I think, so be careful to find one you can trust smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
Niki #404948 09/29/10 11:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: Niki
...Finally stopped smoking.

That is definitely a positive! smile

Originally Posted By: Niki
Anyway... I don't know. It keeps getting worse and I keep getting stronger and falling apart further more and more. Every time we try to make it work, we make it worse. ...


I am so sorry to hear this. You seemed so happy together ~ I find it so hard to understand how religion can get between people who love each other, but it seems that it can.

I wish you all the luck that you need to sort yourselves out and I wish for a happy result in all of this smile

Last edited by PDM; 09/29/10 11:48 PM.

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #404992 09/30/10 10:21 PM
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$50/session might seem like a lot, but for the outcome it was far cheaper than not figuring out what the problems were, losing him, my life with him, our future children, all the bumps and ups and downs in the road we'd encounter, etc... that and all the costs associated with divorce. I'm not saying I'm against divorce, but I am against just "giving up" because it's "easier than working at it." I think you have to try to work through things and figure out how to make things work first before saying lets just end this. I'm definitely not saying that's what you're doing or what other people have done that have gotten a divorce, I'm just saying it because of my own experience with my husband. I say this because I initially thought when I separated from my husband that it'd just be easier to give up and move on, but then seeing my grandfather at my grandmother's funeral made me think about the commitment we made to one another; the commitment to stick together through thick and thin, etc. My grandparents marriage wasn't perfect by any means, but they loved one another for who they were regardless of one another's "flaws," if you want to call it that - I like to refer to that as "character." smile

Counseling helped my husband and I greatly even though in the beginning he was digging his heels in the ground - to him, he saw counseling as "giving up" and admitting our marriage wasn't "perfect" when in reality there's never really a marriage that can be defined as "perfect." We found that the counseling really helped and after I moved back in we both agreed that continuing the counseling was a good idea - we aren't going to go as frequently as before, but every couple of months didn't seem like a bad idea and to be honest is worth the money. Individual counseling to me is also worth it, but I definitely agree you have to find the right one - I've gone through several and have finally found the right one - it took years but was worth it and is still worth it; every time I go I leave feeling better, even if I wasn't necessarily down to begin with.

If you can't afford counseling, at least consider getting some books. I bought some in addition to doing the marriage counseling and some of them helped, some of them didn't, but they all got me thinking... I've listed them below.
1. "Contemplating Divorce : A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go" by Susan Pease Gadoua
2. "Marry Him : The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb
3. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus : The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex" by John Gray - making the husband read this one too - it's on his assigned reading because I felt like it was so helpful!!
4. "Finding Self Finding Love" by David Robert Ord

There's another one that I've got at home, but I can't remember the title of it - I'll have to give that to you later. Try out the books, maybe get some different ones - I was just looking through them online and it looks like they've got ones on there that help out in dealing with differences in religion - they might be helpful.

I understand the way your feeling - that feeling of "single." It's great to feel like you're getting noticed and seen by other men - my thought though, after going through it, is that you never weren't getting noticed or seen by other men... you probably just weren't looking for it.

Another suggestion: Hold off on the intimacy for a while - work on the relationship first. It's not going to feel right unless you guys are right and with things on the rocks you need to work through that "mess" first before you start adding this other stuff in there because when it leaves you feeling the way you described that's just going to add to the "mess."

It's great that you stopped smoking, but not so great that you started drinking - not the best way to deal with things - and believe me on that - I speak from experience there as well... I started drinking more when I lost my job last year - didn't help.

Don't give up - it hasn't been that long since you guys separated - it took me almost 5 months to work through things and they're still not perfect, but we work on them and continue to work on them. Feel free to ask me any questions you want - I'm only here to help!!

MW1 #404993 09/30/10 10:24 PM
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oh and you don't have to wait for someone to recommend a counselor - try searching for one and giving them a shot. If you don't like them, just try another one - they won't get upset if you don't come back and if you don't feel comfortable telling them you didn't like how you worked together, go ahead, let them schedule another appointment with you, then just call and cancel - but remember to cancel!! It can be expensive if you forget about an appointment and have to pay the full price of the missed session.

MW1 #405001 10/02/10 01:53 AM
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Originally Posted By: MW1
...
3. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus : The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex" by John Gray - making the husband read this one too - it's on his assigned reading because I felt like it was so helpful!!...

Yes ~ worthwhile reading for any couple.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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