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PDM #405214 10/12/10 09:42 PM
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Three months of not feeling anything is a relatively short time-period considering you all have been together for 3 years. Just be sure you are positive in your choice because once you make that final decision, it's really hard to turn back.

Honestly - PDM's suggestion on remembering how much you loved him isn't a bad one. When I separated from my husband at first I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him... BUT when I moved out, I took all our old photo albums, all the old letters he had written me, all those old memories. It hurt when I first started looking at them because I thought I wanted nothing to do with those memories, I thought I wanted to forget all that time I had spent with him. It might not hurt to think about those times again even though you say it doesn't help.

I do have a question for you - you say you hurt... where does it hurt? and why does it hurt?

MW1 #405225 10/13/10 04:23 AM
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I think everyone has good advice. Make space for yourself, but don't burn your mental bridges either. Give yourself time to grieve and let the pain pass through you.

jilly #405613 10/25/10 08:27 PM
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Long story short, but a quick update: We are getting counseling. Problem is, NY insurance does not cover divorce counseling. So.. I don't know how it's going to go and what we're going to go ahead and do. We both have the same thing in mind, we don't want a counselor who is looking to force the relationship to work at all costs.

I'm not sure what the real goal of the counseling will be, I just know that I need help. I've come to the realization that my personal life changes has caused a complete destruction of my support systems and that this has become a major contributor to my confusion. I literally have no one to go to. Friends and family are all fairly judgmental of me and can not permit divorce under such "trivial" differences such as irreconcilably differences ( as Steve has coined them...).

I hit a wall pretty hard. Me and Steve had a fight, to which the new love interest, Brad, was witness of. I broke down and ended up hurting both of them with my words. I went to bed, re-called Steve and asked him if he thought I was insane for going with another man like I am. I felt like I was having a complete mental break down, so we decided that, even if I didn't go with Brad, that we desperately needed counselling to make sure we can get through this divorce (or whatever it becomes) with our sanity and emotions as intact as possible.

On a side note...

I'm going to Israel for 2 weeks in January. I had considered canceling it and using the money for counseling... but everyone is telling me that for my own well-being and happiness (being it something I've always wanted to do) and for my education advancement, I need to go. I'm looking forward to it as my own personal journey and self-examining experience.

Niki #405619 10/25/10 08:57 PM
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I think that a good counsellor could help, whatever you decide to do. Good luck with this smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
Niki #405676 10/27/10 04:12 PM
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A good counselor should be able to talk to the both of you and help you determine where you'd like your relationship to go. If he/she sees that the relationship isn't going to work he/she should be able to counsel you both in the direction of separation/divorce. He/she should be of assistance to you both individually and as a couple.

What about calling it marriage counseling instead of divorce counseling. smile Maybe they'll cover it then??

One of the things my husband and I found out how to successfully do through our counseling was talking to the other person when they were doing something that was bothering us. As the other person receiving the "talking to" we learned how to control our frustrating with being told we were doing something that annoyed/bothered the other person. This was something we had never really learned to do throughout our entire relationship - except for maybe the first 2 months we were dating... which was about 11.5 years ago.

In short, I hope the counseling helps you. I know going to the individual and couples counseling has really helped both me and my husband.

On your side note - I think it's great that you're still going to go to Israel. When I lost my job, my husband and I considered cancelling our trip to Europe because money was tight, but ultimately we decided that getting away and doing something we both had planned on doing for such a long time (since before we gradutated from college - and it'd been 5 years since we graduated from colleg) was a great idea and that we'd make the sacrifice of dipping into our savings.

Good luck with everything!!

MW1 #405677 10/27/10 04:29 PM
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Wednesday is our first orientations session. She sounded like a nice lady, entertaining British accent (I love accents). We'll see how that goes, although she wasn't certain out type of insurance would cover or what kind of co-pay we'd be paying.

What's more nerve wracking is that we're seeing my best friend's parents this coming Friday. Sounds weird, but they'be been in my life since I was 5 and they're like second parents to me. Almost like the caring parents I wish I had (my mom just gives me the "where did we go wrong in raising you?" attitude, she actually asked me that straight out too..). I'm pretty nervous. They still think I'm a Christian and had raised me as a sweet little christian girl all my life. I'm pretty terrified of destroying that image of me in their eyes. But... we'll see how that goes.. They say they just want to be a listening ear and support us/me. So.. yeah.

Fun times all around! We'll see how it goes.

Even more interesting is Brad is hoping/trying his hardest to get off of work so he can be with me during my family gatherings. We do consider ourselves an "item" and the family Thanksgiving dinner is going to be impossibly hard for me. I don't want to go alone have to answer the millions of questions.

Niki #405681 10/27/10 08:47 PM
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When you say "we're seeing my best friend's parents" do you mean you and Steve? I think it's good that you'll see them since they want to be there for you. Hopefully that will go along smoothly - you'd be surprised at how open and accepting people can be once you're honest with them. I'm sorry your mother has said those things to you - I wish I could just shake her and tell her to support her daughter even if she might not agree with all your choices as it's not for her to judge.

Hopefully in your meeting you and Steve can start to decide what you'd like to get out of the counseling and you both can start to move forward, either together or separately.

Having Brad come with you to family functions could just complicate things even more despite you wanting to introduce him and him wanting to meet everyone. Might be something you want to think about holding off on until you certain on where you and Steve stand (which could be after one meeting with the counselor or after several - it took my husband and I several meetings to figure things out and several meetings resulted in a few months, meaning Thanksgiving is about a month away and that might not be enough time). I guess you could always just go to Brad's family for the holidays - that might make things a little easier on you.

I do have one question though - if you and Brad consider yourselves an "item" why are you and Steve going to counseling? It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind to move on in separate directions? Just asking.

Good luck on Wednesday - it's nothing to be afraid of, or nervous about - it's supposed to help and hopefully it will!

MW1 #405682 10/27/10 09:52 PM
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I did make up my mind about Steve and us. Counseling is more for my, and our, sanity. Although I do have my mind made up, it doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't mean there are days I break down and don't know or can't be sure. I've realized I'm holding on to Steve for all the wrong reasons (I'm lonely, don't want to lose memories, etc) but I still can't shake it some days.

That and I want to make sure I'm okay. Like I said, I have no support systems anymore. If anything, it'll be good to get stuff out of my head and have someone else evaluate it and see if I'm being irrational or if there's some method to my madness. Part of me is awfully frightened that I'm just having a mental break down. I've had a lot of stresses in my life, it's scary. This marriage and my changes seem to be a very large straw that could very easily break this camel's back.

Yes, Steve and I are seeing my friend's parents together. We're all having dinner together, and talking by the fireplace at their lake house. Nice relaxing setting.

And... yeah.. FML. Another stressor and sign that if there is a God, He surely hates me or wants to see me have a break down - my car broke down and is most likely done for. Meaning I'm not going to Israel, and meaning I'm going to be having Hell for quite a while. Good part is I'll have the money I was going to spend on Israel to get myself a new car and have more financial security, bad news is I miss out on the trip (this year... always next I guess).

Niki #405696 10/28/10 01:38 PM
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Talking to someone will definitely help you. I am sorry that you and Steve seem to be done - I know it's probably painful but I'm sure it will get easier as the time passes.

Sorry about your car and not being able to go to Israel this year. It's good you're trying to stay positive though - saying that you'll have more financial security and you can always go next year to Israel.

Bad things usually happen in 3's - hopefully you're near to that integral and then you'll have some relief for a while. smile

MW1 #405721 10/29/10 12:23 AM
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I, too, am sorry about what has happened to you and Steve. I hope that you can, at least, remain friends and that the counselling may help with that.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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