RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Long Term Partners Marriage - an outdated institution?

In days gone by, children born out of wedlock were called names and felt like second-class citizens. Unmarried mothers were often locked up in insane asylyms. Elderly spinsters, of perhaps 25, were considered to be 'on the shelf'. Widowed women dressed in black, hid themselves away and became old before their time - society was not a place to show yourself without a husband. Divorced women - well not many women had the chance to divorce their husbands and a lot suffered violence in the home. Those who could escape may well have been considered 'no better than she ought to be'. If an unmarried couple lived together, as 'man and wife', but without a marriage certificate, he was a rogue and she was a scarlet woman. It just wasn't 'done'. It's done now. Society has changed. Some changes may have taken things further than some of us would have liked, but many of those changes were for the better. Marriage is an ancient institution; is it too ancient for the modern world? [b]Is marriage out of date?[/b] I'm going to give some quotes from an interesting & relevant article from: ‘The Week’, that I have quoted from before.

Quotes extracted from: ‘The Week’ – the best of the US & international media.’ 4/2/2004 [i]The origins of marriage How old is the institution? The best available evidence suggests that [the institution of marriage] is about 4,350 years old. For thousands of years before that, most anthropologists believe, families consisted of loosely organized groups of as many as 30 people, with several male leaders, multiple women shared by them, and children. As hunter-gatherers settled down into agrarian civilizations, society had a need for more stable arrangements. The first recorded evidence of marriage ceremonies uniting one woman and one man dates from about 2350 B.C., in Mesopotamia. Over the next several hundred years, marriage evolved into a widespread institution embraced by the ancient Hebrews, Greeks, and Romans. But back then, marriage had little to do with love or with religion. Marriage’s primary purpose was to bind women to men, and thus guarantee that a man’s children were truly his biological heirs. Through marriage, a woman became a man’s property …. As the Roman Catholic Church became a powerful institution in Europe, the blessings of a priest became a necessary step for a marriage to be legally recognized. ….. …… Men were taught to show greater respect for their wives, and forbidden from divorcing them. ….. … the idea of romantic love, as a motivating force for marriage, only goes as far back as the Middle Ages. … … the concept of romantic love [gave] women greater leverage in what had been a largely pragmatic transaction. … … Women won the right to vote. When that happened, in 1920, the institution of marriage began a dramatic transformation. Suddenly, each union consisted of two full citizens, … …. “The idea that marriage is a private relationship for the fulfillment of two individuals is really very new,” said historian Stephanie Coontz, author of The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap. “Within the past 40 years, marriage has changed more than in the last 5,000.”[/i] http://www.theweekmagazine.com/briefing.asp?a_id=567

Fortunately the days of the man domineering the wife in a marriage that had no escape are long gone.

Although living together is easy enough, I really think that having that special 'piece of paper' is the icing on the cake of true love.

There may be a divorce if you're married but even in a partnership it's still virtually the same, particularly if you have a shared home and children.

I don't see anything wrong in living together but would still prefer to be married at some stage.

Yes, I think that marriage has changed for the better. I'm in favour.

It's our silver anniversary tomorrow. I can't think where 25 years have gone!

PDM Congratulations on your anniversary, that's marvellous

WOOHOO!!! Congratulations PDM!!

Here's a bit of history I found for you:

"The practice of giving peculiar gifts on various wedding anniversaries originated in Central Europe. Among the medieval Germans it was customary for friends to present a wife with a wreath of silver when she had lived with her husband twenty-five years. The silver symbolized the harmony that was assumed to be necessary to make so many years of matrimony possible. On the fiftieth anniversary of a wedding the wife was presented with a wreath of gold. Hence arose 'silver wedding' and 'golden wedding.' This practice, borrowed from the Germans, has been elaborated upon in modern times" - INFORMATION ROUNDUP by George Stimpson (1948)

Thank you both - and for that fascinating nugget of information, Nikkums. I didn't know that. I think I'll go out wreathed in silver this evening!

I like this concept of modern marriage. Before I married my husband last year I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me, but getting married has somehow added even more solidity to our union. I know that probably sounds silly, I just can't find the words!

Now when the phone rings and someone asks for Mr M, I can tell them "he's not here, but I'm his wife, can I help you?" and you can hear their voice change and they will talk to me. When I used to say I was his girlfriend they were still a little unsure. Does that make any sense?

Getting married has also changed his mother's attitude to me. Before she wasn't too sure about me and he's told me that she frequently told him in private that I wasn't good enough etc. Now I've got the same name as them and she's seen he really wants me to be here, I get new respect from her and she really seems glad I've joined the family. Funny thing lol.

Marriage works for us because we have a very deep love and understanding of each other on many many levels. We know we will never find anyone more suited to us and that makes us determined to keep our marriage strong and vibrant and maintain what we are so lucky to enjoy together. I can only hope that we can emulate your 25 years of marriage PDM, that is an achievement of which you can be very proud. Do you have any advice for this newlywed as to how it's done?

Congratulations on your recent marriage Mary!

When we first married people would come to the door and ask for my Mum and Dad. I'd say 'no but you can speak to my husband'. I was 23 - and my husband is actually younger than me - but apparently I only looked about 16.

Advice?
Try to remain 'friends' always.
Keep a sense of humour.
The old adage never let the sun set on a quarrel is a good one.

One thing I really think is worth doing, though, is getting a book on the differences between the male and female brains. I have a few of them. I suppose the most well-known is the Venus & Mars one - though whether it's the best is another matter!

Really, though, male & female brains work differently and lots of misunderstandings can result. This can result in arguments if you don't realise what is happening. It is much easier to understand each other and each other's behaviour if you understand a bit about the science behind it.

Thank you for your congratulations! Thank you also for your interesting and intelligent input on these boards, which I have been reading over the last few days. Believe it or not I've only just found all this life beyond the Keet boards!

I'll have a look for a book as you've suggested, that sounds like a great idea. My husband and I are very much in tune and what you suggested is very much along the lines of how we are, so we must be doing something right! lol

In my (limited) experience marriage means to have all the benefits of two brains instead of one, two people working as a single unit for the good of both. This kind of teamwork makes us stronger as a couple and as individuals. I know he's around and if I need anything at all, I simply have to call him and he'll be there. That fact gives me huge confidence.

He often refers to an event early in our lives as a couple when one cold winter night he had to be outside working into the early hours. I knew he would come home frozen and I super-overheated the bed with my electric blanket before he arrived. When he got in bed he didn't know the blanket was on, and he's never forgotten how good it felt, getting into this red hot bed and defrosting before a long cosy sleep. A small insignificant event, I know, but it obviously meant a lot to him, and it's daft little thoughtful things like that which bind us together and make us appreciate each other so much.

Another time, early in our courtship when we lived miles apart, I was ill in bed with stomach cramps, really fed up and grumpy. When Interflora delivered a large bouquet of flowers I was gobsmacked. By chance he rang a few minutes later, I was crying down the phone, overcome by his thoughtfulness, and will never forget it. I found out later he'd stored the phone number of the local florist in his phone a few months earlier for just such an occasion. What an amazing man. My eyes are full of happy tears just thinking about this! lol

I'm sorry to go on, but I really do think this is exactly what modern marriage is about.