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Posted By: nikki17s Advice on the mess that is my life!! - 04/13/08 12:44 PM
HEllo eveyone!! I am here for a little advice. First some background info... My Bf and I are 23 have been together for 5 years and have a 3 year old lil girl. About a month ago he came to me and said that he would like to be able to go out on a date.(he has yet to do this) This hurt me a lot but I thought I would give him space and if I said no there would be chance a he would go and cheat. This way we could be open about it. So now where the issue is. Our 5 year anniver. was last week and he totally forgot about it. When I confronted him he didn't even say he was sorry! As of yesterday he said he was sorry that he forgot but that maybe we should take a break. How do I deal with this? We live together and he has been my best friend for 5 years. I can't imagine not being able to talk to him like I used too or to feel his warm hugs. I love him! I feel lost and confused...any advice would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks!

nicole
Posted By: PDM Re: Advice on the mess that is my life!! - 04/14/08 01:28 AM
Wow Nicole ~ I'm sorry to hear this!

I'll tell you what I think, based on the experiences of people I know ~ though I may be wrong.

You are both 23, and have been together since you were 18. Your daughter is three, so you were expecting her at about 19.

The thing is, 18 is very young to commit to a life-long relationship, and extremely young to be contemplating parenthood.

Most young mothers find that, though they might miss their 'freedom', their maternal instinct takes over. I think that young fathers find it more difficult.

As I said on another thread: 'my husband and I met when I was 18 & he was 17. That was back in 1974 and we are still happily together ~ so it can work. However, it doesn't work for everyone. Teenagers usually haven't finished maturing. Their brains aren't fully matured or even fully wired! This means that the person who once seemed very right for you, may suddenly turns out not to be so right, after all. It depends on the people and the situation.'
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=278783#Post278783

I feel that this young man has suddenly, when faced with a five-year anniversary, realised the enormity of the commitment he made, at an age when, realistically, he was a bit too too young to make it.

I really do understand your feelings ~ 'he has been my best friend for 5 years. I can't imagine not being able to talk to him like I used too or to feel his warm hugs.' However, I know others who have been in his situation and were so overwhelmed after a few years that they simply couldn't cope.

Is giving him space to date others the answer?
I wouldn't say so.
Apart from wrecking your relationship, this might give him the idea that you don't care if he is unfaithful.

Giving him space to gather his thoughts, though ~ now that's a different matter, and may be something he needs.

It may even be that you are upset that he forgot your anniversary, and he is upset that you wouldn't care if he were unfaithful!

Men don't like to be emotionally pressured, but they do need to know where they stand. Tell him exactly how you feel ~ in a letter if necessary ~ and maybe get relationship counselling. After all, there is a child involved, as well as both of your feelings.

Whatever happens, make sure that the little girl stays on good terms with both of you. Don't let her suffer arguments or silences. If a break-up does happen ~ even if only temporarily ~ ensure that she feels secure, and loved by both parents.

Good luck & take care!!!
Posted By: nikki17s Re: Advice on the mess that is my life!! - 04/18/08 04:17 PM
Thank you PDM for all your thoughts. Its so nice to know what other people think. I have used your advice and this is where we are now. We went out one night just the 2 of us to talk. He said he was very sorry about forgetting out anniversary and feels horrible that he hurt me. I told him that I didn't want to break up but if he needed space to figure things out that I would give him some. We are still living together and to my surprise nothing has changed. He is still there for me to talk to and welcomes me home with a hug. When I look into his eyes I can see sadness and love that had missing for a while. Maybe his soul searching will make our bond stonger?!? Time will tell I guess.
Thank you again for the help!
Nicole
Posted By: PDM Re: Advice on the mess that is my life!! - 04/18/08 04:38 PM
I hope that it goes well.

Good luck! smile

I know that they come in for criticism ~ and I don't necessarily agree with everything in them, but the Women are from Venus, Men aere from Mars books ~ and other similar ones ~ are really good for understanding the different ways men and women operate, and can help prevent arguments, etc, by promoting understanding. I recommend some reading of this nature.
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