Ok here is the situation:

I am currently in the process of getting a divorce (which will be final sometime next month). Only 2 months after my X and I split up, I met another guy who I really liked. We started dated and he helped me a lot emotionally to recover from the break up with my X. However, in the process we both hurt each other a lot because of the baggage I had from my old relationship.
He moved in with me very quickly because he was laid off his job and his landlord was a jerk, and I felt bad for him because he had no where else to go at that point. Once we moved in together, we argued a lot. We also had a lot of good times.

Recently, we moved into a new apartment and at first everything was great. He then got laid off his job again (he does construction work, which is sucking right now because of the economy)and it became difficult to pay the bills. On top of that, the motor in his truck blew so he couldnt find another job. I had to get a new job that pays more to support us (I have a 1 1/2 year old daughter from my marriage). We fought so horribly during this time, Im not sure if we can ever repair our relationship. We both have said horrible things that the other will never forget.

Now he has a job and his car is fixed, but we are really behind on our bills and I know both of us are stressed out. I work full time and go to school three days a wekk at night. I also have my daughter who I miss and want to spend time with whenever I am home. My boyfriend watches my daughter when Im at school.

The other night we got in the worst argument yet because he did not work that day (it rained) and instead of trying to clean up the house or do something constructive he went and hung out with his friends all day, and then wanted me to cook dinner and clean up that night when I got home from work and stayed home sick from school. (we have a schedule, and it was "his day" to cook.) I had a complete breakdown and took my daughter to my mom's house. My bf called me, wanted me to come home, said horrible things to me, accused me of cheating on him, came to my mothers house and left again, and eventually said he would kill himself, all in an attempt to get me to come home that second like he wanted me to. I stayed the night over my moms, and went home the next morning. We made up, and decided to give it one more try, but since then I feel numb, like I dont want to do this anymore. I do care about him, but Im just sick and tired of all the problems. Im afraid to break up though because of 1) my daughter, who loves my bf and has seen him as a father, 2) the bills, which would be hard for me to mana ge on my own, and 3) fear of being alone. I just cant see myself spending the rest of my life with this guy, and for me, there is not point in being in a relationship with no final goal of marriage.

Please help me (sorry Im so long winded.)

Well first off you need to learn to like yourself so you don't let others treat you like they are treating you.

I hate to say this but you moved in with this guy way to fast and he seems to have a control issue. I guess I myself would say you need to get away from this guy.

Is there a possiblity that you could move in with your mom and help share expenses until you are on your feet?

There are other guys out there quit letting him make you feel sorry for him. They say the only one you have control over is yourself so believe me if you think you are going to change him your not.

So move out or get him out and start working on yourself. If you don't you will be just in for more of the same.

Just ask yourself would you want your daughter to be in this relationship if she were you? Or would you want her out of it?

I agree with Pretty Bird...really, it shouldn't be about you and him, but about your daughter. Regardless of whether she sees him as a father figure, she is also seeing you guys fight and argue, which is affecting her, even though she is so young. Do you really want that for her? Do you want her to have issues with trust and the wrong ideas about what is right in relationships? I know it hurts to go through a break up and you want nothing more than to be made to feel loved and safe again, so you cling to whoever comes along that makes you feel good, but it's a rebound and not really built on anything solid. Once the novelty wears off you have nothing left but emptiness again. Maybe you could live with your Mom until you get back onto your feet? You have to heal yourself and be right with you before you can bring someone into your life, because right now you are wanting him to make you better, and it's not working.

Good luck!

I know the rebound thing was a bad idea...

I actually tried to break up with him twice in the beginning but I couldn't do it. I was so scared of being alone and at the time he seemed wonderful. I really liked the way he treated me and my daughter before.

I guess Im finally really starting to get over my ex and it has made me see my current boyfriend in a different way. I find myself wishing that he were different in certain ways all the time, and then I fell guilty, like I take him for granted or dont appreciate him.

I feel so confused and kind of like Im just waiting for the next fiight so this can be over with. And I get the feeling that he thinks the same thing. We are just akward now.

As for the bill situation, I really cant do anything but stick it out. I live in an apartment and its my first time renting so In really dont want to default on my lease. I guess I would just have to turn the cable off (I dont really watch TV anyway) and try to cut down on other expenses.

Sigh...

Thanks for your advice and insight guys.

Honey,

You need to do whats good for you and your daughter, and that is letting this man go. Eventually the fights will get worse and maybe even abusive if they haven't gotten there already, soon your daughter will be brought into the situation, again, if she hadn't been already and that can REALLY damage her later in life.

Thats my 2 cents, I hope it helps

Where's your daughters father? Does he pay support? If he doesn't, I advise you to stick it to him, she is his child, too. Don't let him get away with not helping to support her. That money could help you to pay your bills, keeping a roof over your daughters head is part of that support, not just diapers, etc. If the system isn't goingafter him the way that they should, bug the heck out of them, make yourself known, be at their door when they open in the morning and let them know that you won't take it lying down. There are also companies that will help you collect your payments, they take part of your money, but it's worth it to make him know that you aren't going to let him not pay.

Actually, I don't know where he is. Its a unique situation.

My daughter's father is an illegal immigrant from Mexico. He has only paid me $100 dollars and does not see my daughter or have any interest in her life. He stole $1000.00 out of the bank account as soon as he was able(which was in joint name when he got out of jail and had the recently deposited tax refund money in it.) I filed for child support, but there really isnt anything they can do to him, especially now that I dont know where he is.

He assaulted my boyfriend in May and had to go to court earlier this month. His is on probation and so he dodnt go to the hearing. Now he has a warrant out for his arrest for failure to appear. This is why he disappeared.

I sure can pick em, cant I?

I guess this will give you all a little insight into why I thought my bf was so great at first.

We all make bad choices, not many people can say that they have always chosen the best person to share their life with. You just need to focus on you and your daughter and try to make the decisions that you know are the best...and you know in your heart what is best, it's just hard sometimes to see past our hurt. We always want to see the best in people and sometimes you try too hard and make people into something they aren't. It gets easier. I was in a situation somewhat like yours. My ex had come along at a time when I was hurting bad from a recent breakup and I thought he was the cat's meow...we had a rough relationship, but I loved him, so I made excuses for our behavior. Now that I am in a stable relationship I can look back and see that maybe it wasn't as great as I had ever thought it was. I was just wanting him to fill a void. Being a single parent is tough, too, but you can do it. Take everything one day at a time, and take everything with a grain of salt. Doing it on your own will do things for you that you would have never imagined!

Thanks for the support! It is really hard to be alone, but in the end, whenever things are rough, I always look at my daughter and smile, because in the end shes the one who really matters most to me.

It also helps to have a good support system. If you don't have much family or friends you should look into finding a Mom's group in your area. Not only will you make some nice friends, but you might be able to share babysitting duties so you can get some you time!

Ok I just talked to him on the phone (he hasn't called me all day, which I really didn't mind) and somehow just talking to him aggrevates me. I feel like Im throwing this relationship inthe trash, buts it like I just want to be left alone. And then I feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with him anymore...

Hi Amaggiepie

Not many people like being alone, so your feelings are understandable, but you probably just need time for you and your daughter at present.
You aren't alone ~ you have her. And you have your Mum. Give yourself time to get over the divorce and see how things go in the future.
With this relationship, it is unlikely to succeed, long term, if you are already feeling as you do now. However, you may just need time to 'find yourself' as it were.
Look after yourself.

I hope that things are going better now!

Things are a little better I guess... its been really hard since fall came because my boyfriend was laid off his job (the economy stinks for construction right now) and since then, weve argued more than ever before in our relationship. I just keep hoping that once he gets his job back in the spring and money isnt so tight, well both relax a little and enjoy each other more.

Finances and worries over finances are responsible for an awful lot of relationship problems. Or, at least they contribute to the overall stress level, which once it is exceeded, can erupt with many things that we normally don't bother with.

Even minor irritations can seem to take on epic proportions.

And, also, males' feelings of adequacy are tied to the traditional "providing." When that's out of whack (according to his feelings), then it's harder for him to feel "okay."

So, the things that come out in an argument may not be what is really the core issues.

Nonetheless, communication and willingness to compromise can overcome problems if there is love and a desire to work at building and growing it. It takes the both of you, however.

get a parakeet or two and dont take life so seriously.

Which goes back to my post on another thread, which you commented on, AMaggiePie:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=338352

That's not very sympathetic or understanding.

I'm not even going to bother with this one...if you don't have anything to add to the conversation, please don't say anything at all.

Ammagiepie, You have gotten some very good advice from everyone. The difficult thing to do is make a decision when what ever you do will make life harder and more difficult. On top of that, it isn't easy being alone and not having a partner to share the responsibilities and the happiness with.

I think it helps to look at it from the simplest view. Every time you say something negative about the relationship you can also find something positive to say. Everytime you mention something bad that he does you can rationalize forgiving him by mentioning something that you could have done differently.

There are a few things that you mentioned, however, that you can't balance or rationalize away.

Most relationships must have some things to be healthy like trust and consideration. You mentioned that he didn't help out when you were at work and sick enough to stay home from school. That doesn't sound like someone demonstrating consideration for you or your child. When you went to your mother's home to stay, he threatened suicide and tried to force you to come home. Again, lack of respect for your feelings and inconsiderate behavior. In addition, threats of suicide bring up a trust issue. Can you trust someone who threatens to harm themselves to care for your child. Third he accused you of cheating on him. This is again a lack of trust and respect and demonstrates lack of confidence in your relationship. Several times I heard you say that you thought he was a nice person and I heard you say that you didn't want to be alone and I heard you say many other things but never mention "love".

So let's look at the list dispassionately if we can.

1.You fight a lot

2.You don't want to talk to him

3.You feel awkward around him

4.You have not said you love him

5.Your feelings for him have changed

6.You think you should stay for your child

7.You can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with him.

8.You don't think you can manage financially without him.

9.You hate to give up because your daughter likes him.

10.You both have said things you don't think you both can get over.

11. You used to have just yourself and your child to worry about now you have his problems with employment and transportation and argueing.

12.Happy times are fewer and fights are more frequent.

13. You are now asking what is wrong with you and doubting your ability to pick a worthy partner.

14. Someone who is controlling, manipulative,angry,frustrated,suspicious,jealous and threatening suicide is caring for your daughter while you are gone all day.

15. You have never said you love him.

16. He has recently gotten a job and a car and things are looking up.

17. You thought he was really nice when you met him.


I would read this list and I would ask yourself if your life would really be worse without him. I think you have answered that in your heart and with the things you have said. There has always been a rational or counter reason to keep you from making that hard and final decision. If you think about it though, there isn't one for statement #14.

There is not a good counter for that one. Your daughter is too precious to put at risk. You would never forgive yourself if he went off the deep end and she was around when it happened. Your relationship has been getting more and more volatile and suicidal threats are not the words of a trustworthy man.

AMaggiePie, please forgive me. I seldom do this, but when I do, it feels horrible to me. I posted a few posts above, basing what I said on the two previous posts - without going back and reading your original post and all the responses.

I goofed big time. As I was reading JoAndBoys post, I realized I hadn't known all the facts.

Looks like both the father of your child and your bf are dragging you down. Take care of you and your daughter. Don't feel guilty about him. If you need help from family, take it - it doesn't have to be forever.

I got help from my family, and I've given them help before, so I knew it all evens out.

I'd say you deserve some stability.

So, how's it going Amaggiepie?
Are things sorting themselves out, or are you still worrying?
Or would you rather we left the matter alone, until you want to say more?

FORGET BOTH THOSE GUYS THERES NO RESPECT THEIR CONCENTRATE ON WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS. YOU DONT NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ANYONE BUT HER AND YOUR SELF.

Things have been a little better. Since we had that big argument, it hasnt happened again and hes been helping out more around the house, like I asked. Were really trying to work things out...

I really do care about him, but when all of that happened, it was like I just got to this poitn where I didnt care anymore...

Im hoping that things will keep getting better.

Thanks for all your comments guys. It helps to have someone to talk to.

Glad things are improving.

Hope it continues.

Yeah, the improving thing isn't working out. Since the "big argument" we had when I first posted, things have never gotten completely better. Thursday was Thanksgiving, and my BF just had to ruin it for me. Since the big fight, when I went to my Moms and he acted like a nut and embarrassed himself, he has not wanted to go over my mom's house with me for anything and will not go. He never has a good reason. When I bug him about it, he says that its because he doesn't feel comfortable there now and that its my fault because I always go running to my mom to tell her our problems and that our problems are private and she or anyone else should not know about them. I tell his that he is nuts and that my mom is my mom and that shes there for me when I have a problem and that just because he doesn't like it doesn't mean Im not going to have a relationship with my mom...This issues has come up about 4 times between the first big fight and Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was at my mom's house this year and she had also invited her BFs family so it was bigger than usual. The day before thanksgiving, he decided that he wasn't going (even though we specifically decided when we were going where for the holidays). He said "I dont feel comfortable" or "theres too many people" or "its your fault that I feel this way because you told your mom about our business" etc etc. So I finally gave up and told him that he could do whatever he wanted but that I was going.

I went to the party with my daughter, and after we had been there an hour, he started calling me. He complained that there was no food to eat (I didn't cook anything for him to eat when he got home from work because he was invited to come eat over my moms and he decided not to come). I specifically told him that I was going to do this that morning and he said "whatever". (I also specifically didn't clean anything because of a rude comment he had made to me on the phone that morning.) Then he called again asking when I would be home. I told him I didn't know. He was still adamant that he wasnt coming. About an hour later, he showed up. He hardly acknowledged me when he came in, he said hi to everyone there, he got a drink, did not want to eat, and then made his way to the door. He called me over to the door and pointed to a guy on the couch (who was the youngest and most handsome guy there) and said "whos he here with?" I told him he was with his GF, who was sitting right next to him. My BF was very rude about this because he pointed right at the guy. Then he said, "Im going out" and he left. He had been there maybe all of 5 minutes.

I was so embarrassed. I felt like he came over just to bother me, to check on me, to ruin my night. My moms BF got very mad. I was so aggrevated. (I later found out that the reason he asked who that guy was is becaus ehe got in a fight with his cousin or something). Anyway, about an hour or so later, he was calling me again. He said that he went to talk to someone about work (which was not likely since it was 8:30 pm on Thanksgiving) and that he was done now and that he was coming back over. I told him not to come back over, that he embarassed me in front of everyone, and that I didn't want him there. He got mad and said he was coming anyway. He came and sat out front for anout 20 minutes and then finally left when I didn't come outside. Then he went home and kept calling me to ask me when I was coming home. I told him I didn't know like a million times and finally told him like 11 oclock. at 10 oclock he was calling me againt to ask when I was coming home. I got mad and told him that if he kept calling me I was just gonna stay the night. Then he started saying that I needed to think more about the baby and come home because it was going to be colder at 11 oclock. Finally, we ended up arguing and he told me "whatever" F*** you, I just want to break up, I cant deal with you anymore, go f*** all of them (the guys at the party)" and he hung up. He called me back at 12 to tell me he was going to a bar and to ask me if I was coming home that night. I tol,d him no. He said he was confused and depressed and didnt know what he wanted and that he loves me but hes tired of all the problems. I told him that I feel the same way and I dont know what to tell him. The next day when I came home, he wouldnt talk about what happened and has since refused to. He wants to pretend it never happened, which I cant do. I tried to have a good day yesterday though, despite.

Anyway, last night he just started getting on my nerves because I told him that bthe guy he pointed out (named Charlie) and his GF invited me to a bar, and that I didn't go, but that they wanted me to go with them on Saturday to a club and that he should come. He was like "Im not going out with them" like they had a disease or something. I was like "why, because you got in a fight with his cousin now youre going to hate his whole family" and he was like "exactly" and I told him that that was stupid. He said he didnt care, that hew didnt want to make any new friends because everyone is a hypocrite and that they stab you in the back the first chance they get. Which essentially means that I cant have friends or go out because he will do the same thing he did on Thanksgiving with the calling and bothering. I told him that not everyone is the same, and that hes a hypocrite, too (which he 100% is) and he said that he knows, that he has to be a hypocrite. Which I hate. So anyway, I got very aggrevated and went to bed.

This morning, he got up late for work and pulled out a bunch of leftover out of the fridge and made a huge plate for himself and I was like "are you going to eat all of that right now...youre late" thinking that maybe he should grab a sandwich or something and he said" yeah, well Im not gonna go hungry" like I had told him not to eat or something. I told him "well, its a little late isnt it?" and he said "so, my boss doesnt care" and I said, "I know, but you lose money when you come in late" because he is paid by hour" so then he said soemthing else and I got aggrevated and was like "you can be so stupid sometimes!" and he got mad and turned off the microwave and slammed it shut and siad that I ruined his appetite and that I walsways ruin his morning, etc etc. Then he stormed out the front door and was like F*** you Maggie.

Sorry I double posted and it was long, but alot has happened. Im just so sick of all of this.

Whew! This sounds like a nightmare, and I feel for you.

If I may be blunt, though, this guy sounds like bad news all the way -- seriously -- controlling, weird, jealous for no reason, rude, etc.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, Maggie, and I know you're going through a tough time even apart from the issue of him, but I truly think he "has issues," as they say, and it sure doesn't sound like he's going to get his act together any time soon.

I think the earlier posts contain some really, really good advice; all I can add is that you might want to turn to other people in your life for emotional support (mom, friends) and do whatever you need to, to get you and your daughter away from this guy.

I don't have time for a long post, but I agree you should get free of this guy - for you and for your daughter. Get legal help in having him not be allowed to harass you. He's very much bad news.

Hello Maggie

Whatever the reason, it sounds as if this isn't working out for you.

Perhaps it began too soon after your divorce and you needed more time to sort yourself out.
Perhaps he simply has issues.

Ask yourself:
~ do you love him?
~ is the atmosphere at home good for your little girl?

Having said that, I can understand him feeling uncomfortable at your Mum's house.

I know that daughters turn to their Mums in times of trouble. Indeed, I'd probably recommend it, because, for most people, one's mother is the best friend they will ever have.

However, I do agree that what goes on between couples, unless it is dangerous behaviour and the relationship is over or about to be over, should be private. I know that if & when we have disputes, etc, with out partners, that we will feel the need to talk to someone ~ and who better than Mum ~ but for 'him' this is not good. It is embarrassing and humiliating. And then, when everything has died down and the argument has been sorted, he has to face her. That must be very hard. Mums can bear a grudge, on behalf of their daughters, long after daughter and partner have kissed and made up.

So, I am not condoning his behaviour, but I can understand some of his feelings.

Is it time to return to the warmth of your family, with your daughter, and heal your wounds?

Or is this man someone you want to spend your life with?

His behaviour seems potentially destructive ~ or am I wrong?

Maybe he just wanted you to spend your first Thanksgiving together. Maybe he got angry because you turned to your mother rather than to him.

I'm not trying to make excuses for bad behaviour, but there are always two sides to every story, and I'm just wondering about the other angle. What do you think?

Only you know what is right for you, but you may be in too much turmoil to be able to see things clearly right now.

Is he a good decent person, who you want in your life, but who felt sad, ignored and upset, so became angry?

Or is he a destructive and disruptive force, who is going to cause you problems and make you ~ and your daughter ~ unhappy?

You could try relationship counselling, if you want to work at this.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you lots of luck

I have to say this. Forgive me if I come off as harsh.

The entire point of a relationship, at least to someone like myself, is supposed to be fun, exciting, and create a loving environment that the persons involved can feel safe with each other.

It is obvious that this is not the case.

First and foremost, you must think of your child. This is NON-NEGOTIABLE. I don't care how much you think you care about this man, but your child needs you, and her in such an environment is unhealthy.

Second, you must ask yourself... Is this what I really want? Do I really want the last thing said to me from someone I care about be a hateful curse toward me?

From everything that I've read, this man sounds very verbally abusive and controlling. If it is not his way, he'll become that very annoying child that holds his breath when he doesn't get what he wants. Cannot compromise, cannot even make amends or attempt to. Is this what you really want?

Things did move incredibly fast for you, it happens, but you have to know when enough is enough.

I wish you luck, but would hope that you do not put yourself or your child in a position where the two of you are not in control of your own lives.