I have been having some awful nightmares lately. They all somehow involve Terin (my abusive ex boyfriend) in some way. The worst one yet was with Matt(my current boyfriend). Him and I were arguing about him coming to Funtown with me (in my dream funtown turned out to be Hershey Park). I ended up leaving with my sister angry at Matt. My parents showed up and eventually I was going to call him to see if he was over it too. I dialed his number, but instead of Matt answering Terin answered. When I asked where Matt was he just laughed the AWFUL laugh and I knew he had hurt Matt, if not killed him. I just remember slumping to the ground in tears and when my parents asked what was wrong I said “he’s back”. I don’t know what to make of nightmares like this. Maybe it is my suppressed memories and feelings coming to a head in my subconscious, who knows. I don’t like having dreams like this though, the scare me and leave me in a state of semi-panic. If Terin did come back I know I would be frightened. I would be curious as to what he would do, but more afraid. He is capable of a lot of things, and it just leaves me so scared. Maybe because I don’t trust myself around him, and maybe because I don’t trust him around me AT ALL. He is a sick person, and I just pray that he stays where he is. I have all these conflicting feels about him. I need to deal with what he did to me. I just don’t know how to. The past is the past, I don’t know how to face it in a productive way. maybe I have nightmares about him because he is my living nightmare? When i say he came back, I mean he moved almost across the country from me and sometimes he will call me and tell me he is coming home soon...I don't know..I just need advice I guess. I am happy with Matt, I know that, but I don't know what to do about these other feelings that I can't even put a name to. I have seen the other advice on here, and it is good advice, so i'm hoping someone can help me a little to. :\

Maybe I am being melodramatic. I hate this. I learned a lot from my relationship with my ex, but sometimes I wish I could just not gone through it and lived life a little more ignorant of some things. Or at least waited until I was older...And there is nobody that understands what I went through and why, over a year later, i still sometimes think about him, and why it even still bothers me. It's almost like I am trapped inside my mind.

You've opened up and said what's bothering you. That's good!

Now, as to what to do, I'm thinking that counseling for you may be in order. But I'm also thinking that you may need protection.

Is there someone you can talk to? A pastor? A family member who is non-judgmental and listens and can perhaps help steer you to someone who can help?

If nothing else, I want you to know that I care, and will be praying for you.

As for what the dreams mean, I suspect - as I think you do - that there are unresolved fears and tensions. And I think that any of us would feel the same.

As for things you've learned, and would rather that you hadn't - at least not yet, I can well empathize. My childhood, and young adulthood - and even adulthood - are cram full of things like that.

To the good, though, you will always be able to understand and help others. The circumstances and events don't even have to be the same. Just that life can be hard and scary and lonely..., and yet one can persevere and somehow stay open in one's heart for love and to be able to love. It just takes a little encouragement, I think - from others (and God).

I'm on your side.

Hello Birdygirly :) You said on another thread: [quote=birdygirly016]... the situation was not resolved as speedily as it should have been, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, but it's over now =D) [/quote] So, what I am wondering is whether the problem with him truly is over, but that you still have the awful memories to deal with, or whether the problem isn't completely resolved, because there is a chance that he might return? You say: [quote]sometimes he will call me and tell me he is coming home soon[/quote] Is this real, or is it only in your dreams? If the 'nightmare' is definitely only in your dreams, then perhaps you need counselling or similar help. If the 'nightmare' is in any way still real, then you also need more active help & protection. Has something happened to bring this to the fore, now? You say: [quote]'The past is the past, I don’t know how to face it in a productive way.'[/quote] According to what I have read, etc, there are two points of view on this sort of thing. One view is to simply accept that something bad has happened, but also accept that it is now over, so it is best not to dwell on the ills of the past, but to enjoy life as it now is. The other view is that, after having suffered pain, one will never be able to enjoy life fully, unless and until one has faced the demons of one's past. I think that something between the two might be best, but it probably depends on the individual. As Carl said: [quote]'As for what the dreams mean, I suspect... that there are unresolved fears and tensions' ...[/quote] So it sounds as if you do need to face the past, resolve the problems and get some kind of 'closure', as therapists tend to say. Then, provided there is no real danger, you can probably leave this where it belongs and start to enjoy your life to the full. For a bit of self-help there are a few things you might like to try. They can result in becoming very emotional, and even frightened by emotions, but they can get some of the repressed feelings out. I suggest doing them only if you feel very safe and have someone you love and trust with you. These sound very simple, but can become quite intense. One is to take a wet (not dripping) towel and hit it against a (suitable) wall a number of times. Another is to take a big soft cushion, and keep punching it until you feel better. Then there's the letter-writing exercise, that you have probably heard of, where you write down all the things that are bothering you, but don't send the letter ~ just rip it up. Then there's the exercise where you make yourself remember individual negative events, acknowledge them to yourself, acknowledge to yourself that they were bad but that they are now gone, and 'throw the thoughts away'. See how you feel about them. Sometimes people have to be careful with this sort of thing. Some therapists recommend that one only do this if guided by them, so it might be a good idea to see a counsellor and get some advice. Good luck & take care :)

well, the things that have brought this up now are sort of easy, the nightmares just started. In reality he will call me, it used to be my cell phone, and for the longest time I let it keep happening. Some part of me enjoyed (and maybe still does) knowing that even though he has moved on with someone else he still thinks of me every now and then. To try and help stop his calls, I finally changed my cell phone number. Now, he will call my house. I have told him numerous times throughout the last year to leave me alone, and my father has also answered when he calls (he calls with a private number, it's sort of his trademark, so everyone in my house knows it's him) and my father has told him to stop calling. Sometimes he may only call once a month, but it is just so torturous for me. It's like it tears me in half because part of me STILL want to hear his voice and his lies. Just act like things are normal again.

The overall situation is resolved (physically I guess). We are no longer together and I try to not talk to him. But the emotional part that I thought would fade sooner is still there. While I was in Spain I read this book called "here on earth". If anyone has read that book, it is like my life. More grown up, but the events are still very similar. In Spain I realized that even though I had escaped from the place of origin, the pain still followed me. I had run across the ocean, and still I felt the wounds still bleeding. (metaphorically).

I don't trust my pastor a whole lot, and I have told a blotched story to everyone. My family can't afford for me to have counseling, and they wouldn't understand my need for it either. My parents HATED him, and always tried to break us up. It usually ended in me sneaking around and lying to them. They knew I was still with him, but they didn't understand why. There is a lot about that relationship they don't know because it would hurt them to know. They would feel like they didn't protect me when they should have, even though there was nothing they could have done. So, to my parents, I should be over this. To EVERYONE I should be over this..and I'm not.

I may try the letter writing. I use a journal, and after reading a passage I wrote while in Spain, it also brought everything to a head, along with the nightmares. I know dreams aren't real, but the fear, and anger I feel in them IS real.

He stalked me for a long time after we broke up, until he moved away. And he still hacks onto my e-mails and other things. He sees personal things that he shouldn't, then he calls to brag. It feels like this never ends. I just want it to go away, but it wont. I talked to my psychology professor about it in Spain and he said it was a good thing that the book "here on earth" bothered me, that it was steps in the right direction..but everything is still there..I hope this answered some questions. I will come back later, but my mom is leaving and I have to go with her thanks for listening and trying to help.

Just some initial thoughts on your response:


Maybe this is a big part ~ the biggest part ~ of your problem.
Do you think it could be?

How much is that because of him, and how much because of you, do you think?

Your parents cannot be happy about this ~ wouldn't they agree to change the number?

Why do the calls get answered?
Why not ignore them completely?

Why do you talk to him at all, if you know who it is when he rings?
Does he have some kind of hold on you?
Does he know / think that he has a hold on you?

So, are you both Spanish?
Is he in the USA too?
Do you mind me asking how old you both were, when you were together and how long you have been apart?

A lot of people don't understand the need for counselling, and I have to admit that not all counsellors do a good job.

This is not that unusual. A lot of girls seem to be drawn in by the wrong type ~ against their parents' wishes and judgement.

Hhmm...
They couldn't protect you if they didn't know.
I'm not convinced that this is a good reason not to share your worries with the people who love you most.

Who is everyone?
I see no reason why you should be 'over this'. It obviously had a huge emotional effect on you.
And your parents don't know the full story, do they?

Good, that could help.
Try punching some cushions too ~ but don't hurt yourself!
Have you tried telling the police?
How does he get into your e-mails?
Can't you make them safer?

Birdygirly, I know how you feel when you say

"... Some part of me enjoyed (and maybe still does) knowing that even though he has moved on with someone else he still thinks of me every now and then. .... It's like it tears me in half because part of me STILL want to hear his voice and his lies.....

... the emotional part that I thought would fade sooner is still there ...

To EVERYONE I should be over this..and I'm not. "

I had a similar situation. I got married very young and was in an abusive relationship for two years. The only reason me and my ex broke up was because he went to jail. While he was there, I was so happy. I missed him, but I also got to do simple things I wasnt "allowed" to do before, like hang out with freinds, go out dancing, etc. I saw what I had been missing. I also met another guy (my currnet boyfriend) who treated me so much differently (although we have been having our problems lately) and showed me that I deserved better.

When my ex got out of jail, it was torture for me. When I saw him (and I idiotically went to see him) all of the old feelings came back. I had feelings for him for a long long time, and somewherew inside, I still do in part. It has been almost 1 year since we broke up. I just recently could say I was "over" him. But if we speak, even on the phone, I get nervous, and my heart races, and I feel all jittery inside. Part of me still loves him, and I think will always love him. He was my first love, and is the father of my daughter. She also looks just like him. But I would never ever ever want to be with him again. While we have been apart, he has shown me that he will never change.

The point is, these things take time. As much as you think your should be "over" it, you wont get over it until you are ready, and it could be months or years or never. But I like to think that this experience has helped me to love myself more and to realize that I will never let anyone be that way to me again. I still have feelings for him, but more than anythign, these feelings are for the him that I knew when I met him, before he bacame abusive, and an alcoholic. And whenever I missed hikm before, it wasn't him that I missed, but the "habit" of being with him, if you will. I was used to him, but by the end, I didn't love him. And I was afraid of being alone.

I hope this helps you. I feel like Im rambling, but somehow your story reminds me of what happened to me.

I hope everything works out.

PDM, he was my first boyfriend and everything else (kiss, etc.) We met my freshman year in high school, I was 14, and he had just turned 15. I think you are right that the biggest part of my problem may still be that I care that he "cares". I don't want to, but I just can't shake it. It is sort of lose lose. I am in love with Matt, I can see myself with him forever more, but I can't help having feelings for my ex. I don't EVER want to be with him again, but I still care . He does have control over me, he always had control, and he never lost it. I fight against it now. But I think he knows I want to hear from him. I can't go a day without his name coming across my mind. It's nothing I WANT, but something I can't help.

When I refer to everyone I mean family and friends. Anyone who knows my story of that relationship thinks I should be over him. I am over the want for him back, but not over him. it sucks. I just want out.

And no, I am American and so is he. I went to Spain for my freshman year in college, but I hated it and came home after a month. I think that I partially went to get away from the pain, and instead it just made me more lonely and made me face the pain more.

The whole not tell my parents thing comes down to, I don't want them to know I'm not perfect. I am their "perfect" child. I am an example. I get amazing grades and with guys I am "responsible". There is so much pressure for me to be perfect that I can't tell them how I lost my virginity at 15 (I didn't want to, it just happened). I can't tell them about the rape and the other things. I fear that they may be more upset for what happened and be mad at me, than anything that is over and done with. I just rather them think things were never that bad. Ignorance is bliss, and for this, it's fair that I let them remain in bliss.

My old work put a no-trespassing order against him, which basically meant as long as I worked there he was not allowed. He would still walk by on the sidewalks though. Stalking is hard to prove. It's usually after the fact that he tells me what he did, where he was etc that I know..but sometimes i could just feel him watching me or I would see him leaving a place I was at, or something. And I live across from a gas station and he had befriended the attendants, they would let him sit in their cars and watch my house. I don't worry now because he lives so far away, but it's if/when he comes back that I worry for my family. My dad knows I worry about that, but all we can do is wait.

Amaggiepie: Your story is like mine almost to a T. Thank you for sharing that, I know I'm not alone. My ex didn't go to jail, I finally just said enough is enough (not to mention he was cheating on me with anything that had legs). And my current boyfriend and I also are having our own problems, but he has shown me i don't need to be treated like .... to be happy. I also think I stayed with my ex out of habit and fear of being lonely. He knew I feared that and would tell me that nobody would love me like him, or ever want me or whatever. He would pick on my self consciousness and use it against me. Just, I want the feelings to stop. I want him to go away.

Oh, and PDM, we would change our home number but it would be a HUGE hassle and he doesn't call enough for that. Usually once a month or every couple weeks...and a lot of the time, nobody is home.

And since Matt took the phone and told him off, and then messaged his supposed "fiancee" and told her to have him back off, I hadn't heard a peep. The fiancee had no idea he was doing that and blames me for any contact..apparently he has lied to her about me, what a shock. NOT.

We had a girl on the forum, who had been through something similar to this. She felt that she couldn't tell her parents, because of what she assumed they would think. In fact, once they understood what had been going on, life improved for her no end.

No-one is perfect.
No-one should live a lie, if it is hurting them.
In your case, you have people who love you ~ wouldn't they be supportive?
Only you know what you should do, but are you sure that you are doing the right thing?
I understand that you are still very young, with a full and happy life just waiting for you to enjoy it. How long are you intending to carry this burden, without any help?

I am just afraid that my parents will be angry. And if they wouldn't be angry for what happened, they would be mad i didn't speak up. My parents are very old fashioned people though, and they would be very disappointed in my regardless.

I know nobody is perfect. there is just a lot of pressure on me to be perfect.

I have confided everything into Matthew. He knows most of the gruesome details. I trust him and we know everything about eachothers past. Especially the parts where we just needed someone to listen, not judge, just listen.

I don't know how long this burden will be carried. I wish I could just set it down and leave it forever, but I know that will never happen. I just fear that he will come back, I will see him, and then all you-know-what will break loose. The thought of him coming home gives me that icy feeling in my stomach. The feeling when you know something bad is gonna happen.

At least you have your boyfriend to confide in.
That must be a huge relef.

I can't imagine parents being angry at their daughter for such reasons, though.

Imagine if it were your daughter.
How would you feel?

When I have kids I plan on bringing them up in a very close parent-child relationship. I want them to understand I wont be mad that they have sex, I rather know so i can make sure it's protected than have them feel like they need to lie and be sneaky like I did.

If it were my daughter I would be very sad for her. I would hope that she feel comfortable enough with our relationship to come to me and talk about it. I would do everything to help her, or just listen if that is all she needs me to do.

My mom just doesn't understand, she was married at a young age, and she always worries that i will be married to young too. I don't know.. It's complicated =\

But you are right having Matt to talk to is a huge relief, but sometimes he still doesn't understand how over a year later I still have these feelings. Sometimes it hurts him more than I would like it to, but he is a good guy about it I'm grateful God gave me someone to help heal my wounds, even if all he does is love me and listen.

hopefully my child-rearing plan works in my favor. It's worth a shot anyways.

I never want my kids to feel like their parents wont support them and feel alone like I did. It is an empty awful feeling to have. So hopefully thinking ahead will help, but when I have kids I bet I will never want them to be THAT grown up.

no one should suffer in silent.none of what your saying is your fault.you have loving parents;if you don't want to share it with them try talking to a pastor,preacher father of a child,teacher there are many understanding people in this world who would reach out to you if you open up.

Only a year?!
Well, if that's all it is, I am not at all surprised.

But I'm guessing that you don't understand why, either.

Some thoughts:

For some reason, girls are often attracted to the 'wrong type'. There are plenty of films on the subject.
I married my first real boyfriend ~ a very decent person ~ and most of the boys and men I have ever known have been very nice people, but when I was in my teens, I did find myself attracted to some boys I didn't even like. They were not nice. They were dangerous even. It scared me that I should even notice them ~ yet I did. Why??? I never went out with any of them, thankfully.
And, at 16, I became quite smitten by a married man 20 years my senior who happened to be my boss at a summer job. All the girls & women found him attractive & I suppose he knew it. He used to flirt with me & even asked me out! Thankfully I wasn't stupid enough to go, but some of the other girls thought that I should have.

So, you are not alone in finding these 'exciting' & 'dangerous' males attractive ~ rightly or wrongly. Remember, you were very young and vulnerable. A teenager may seem like an adult, but a teenager's only experience is that of a child.

And it is a well known thing that if parents say 'no' to a boy, daughters are going to find them even more attractive.

Plus, no-one is ever going to forget their first love ~ their first kiss.

And no-one is ever going to forget being hurt and let down by that first love.

And no-one forgets being bullied.
In 1975, I left school/college and started working in an office. I was there for seven years and for most that that time my life was like hell on earth. Basically I was hated & bullied. I had some friends there and some good times, but many of my colleagues treated me very badly. I don't know why. They didn't like me before they even met me.
How long do you think it took for me to get over that?
No-one physically hurt me.
It was mostly emotional.
I left in 1982.
It was probably 20 years before I could distance myself enough from it to really put it in the past and to not let it bother me.

A year is not long to process what you have been through, with very little support, at a very young age.
With love and support you will get through this, but it is not going to happen overnight ~ nor even in a year. It will be a slow process.

As for feeling bewildered by, and even guilty about, some of your feelings regarding this man, remember, he was your first true love. You are probably still a little bit in love with the part of him that was loving. And you still remember how you felt. Those feelings are still yours. You probably yearn for some tangible reminder of the good parts, but you are left only with confusion, guilt, pain, regret, etc. Because what should have been this special first love was never really real.
I fell in love with a boy at the tender age of nine. He was also 9 and he loved me too. He still holds a special place in my affections. One's heart holds on to special feelings of early love. Sadly, this man's love was tainted. He was not worthy of your love. But he was still your first love.

Hopefully, the bad memories will fade and you will replace memories of this false first love with memories of your first true love.
It will take time, though.
Be patient with yourself, even if others are not so patient with you.

Take care!

Thanks PDM. A year just feels like a LONG time. He and I used to break up and get back together a lot, so a year seems like ages. Not bad, but I just hoped that this would go away.

You are right that he probably will hold a place in my heart for a long time, if not forever. I just have to work on replacing him with feelings for other people. I know I will NEVER forget him because of what he did, because of him I plan on being a psychologist, maybe even a psychologists for people in abusive relationships. I want to help with my experience. It was awful for me, and I hope that I can tell someone "I was there and I want to listen". I want to help. Hopefully I can turn negative into a positive for somebody else. I just wish it didn't have to happen.

Thanks so much. I feel less guilty knowing that a year (though it is long) is not long enough to get over things like this. I'm glad I'm not 100% crazy .

Definitely not crazy!

And to bring something positive out of something negative is a wonderful idea!

first step however is me getting more over this so I can make it MORE positive.

Thanks for everyones help and support

Take care!