So heres the story.
Sorry in advance for any bad punctuation,spelling and grammar errors. Im in a bit of a hurry.

I've been dating this girl for the past 8 months. When I met her She was living with her grandparents while she went to school, during this time I learned, among other things that she was given up for adoption at a young age, and ended up in and out of foster care until the age of 18, then she basicly moved around for awhile on her own until her grandparents ended up taking her in for a summer. But after she graduated from her trade school, they kicked her out and all but completely cut off communication with her. her plan was to move 4 hours away with a friend with the money she had made working over the summer. At this point we had been dating for about 3 months and i really didnt want the relationship to end, and didnt consider driving back and forth to be an option since she does not drive and long distance relationships havent worked out for me in the past. (she hadn't been able to aquire a drivers liscence due to her unstable living situations). So i asked her to try and find a place here, she agreed and in the mean time while she was searching for an apartment she stayed with me and my family. It got rough for awhile as we adjusted living together for about a month and I became responsible for getting her back and forth from the places she needed to go.
Since then she's gotten her own appartment and a job very near by.
However over the last few months we've been off and on repeatedly breaking up and making up. We've tried and tried to work through our issues, but it seems we might just be too different. we just recently broke up again, but have agreed to try and stay friends. At this point im starting to feel like its time to move on to something new. Problem is (no surprise) now she want to try again...JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. I don't know what to do...she has no family, and few friends since she hasn't lived here very long. I can't stand the thought of her having to spend the holiday season all alone, but i dont think i want back in. To complicate things more, I've always had this huge crush on my friends sister, and know that she likes me as well because we had discussed it before, the first time me and my ex broke up. b I ended up cutting it short though because me and my ex decided to give it another shot. I recently spent some time hanging out at my friends place and she was there. there was alot of flirting back and forth between us, and it seems like a great opportunity to move on and start fresh. An opportunity she likely wont be open to again if I get back together with my ex.

As you you can see im extremely confused...What should I do???

I would like to offer a littel insight to what your ex may be going through, even though she may not even be aware of it.

Quite often when a child has been in and out of foster care, they will at some point try to prove she isn't loved. This may be what is going on with her. It would fit with the breaking up and making up. She whants that reassurance from you that you still want her. This doesn't help your situation any but it is something that you must think about if you decide to get back together.

Foster children that have been bounced around have attachment issues. Either they attach too quickly and too easily. Or they can't maintain a relationship because of the feeling that they don't deserve love.

If there is anyway that you can talk her into counceling that could help her.

No one can tell you what to do, but if you can see your way clear to be a friend, she needs this right now.

Hello burnedagain

I agree with BLR about the problems with your ex.
But be careful how you address them.

What to do?


Read my quote of what you posted ~ I think that you have answered your own question, don't you?

Do you feel responsible for this girl, because you encouraged her to stay?
I can see that this would be difficult.

Yes, this girl needs support and friendship, but she does not need a boyfriend, who is dating her only out of a sense of duty, would rather be dating someone else, and considers the idea of spending the festive season with her as a 'holiday horror!'.

It might be best to start dating your friend's sister, if that is what you all want, so that it is a fait accompli when you contact your ex ~ then you can be a friend, but you already have a girlfriend.

I hope that it all goes well for all of you

I absolutely do feel responsible for her, since i convinced her to come out here...now i'm all she's got.

I care for her deeply, but I don't think we belong together.
I hate to see her hurt, and wish I could comfort her.
Not to mention it would crush her if she found out I want to see other people. This has been so hard for me already...it starting to seem so much easier to just give in.

As for counseling she doesn't have a method of transportation, her job is in walking distance, plus I don't think she could afford it. I absolutely will extend and try to maintain a friendship with her. in fact I have already done so. However she doesn't really respect the new boundaries, and I hate seeing the look on her face when I try to avoid physical contact...

Lastly It's not that I feel that spending the holidays with her is a "holiday horror" its the idea of leaving her alone for the holidays thats breaking my heart and if I stay, well I might be in for at least another four months, and I barely mustered up the nerve to tell her no this time. I'm a little afraid that if we get back together and it gets bad again I won't be able to get out again.

I don't know what i'm supposed to do.
should I give her another shot?
or am i doing the right thing?

PDM, what do you mean by "fait accompli" ?

Hi again

While I fully understand your sense of responsibility, and your desire to help this girl, it will not benefit her, long-term, if you stay with her, 'romantically', against your will.

I am really not sure what is the best thing to do, because you say that, apart from you, she is alone, and she is obviously very vulnerable. You want to do the right thing ~ for both of you.

A "fait accompli" is a done deed. So, if you just present yourself to her as a friend, with a girlfriend, then she won't get the wrong impression. However, she may become very hurt, and you do not want to push her beyond what she is capable of coping with.

One thought ~ Is it possible for her to stay with the friend she intended to share with over the holiday?

She has a job and an apartment, so she is coping. Now she needs to make some new friends. Perhaps you could suggest some ideas to her ~ clubs or societies perhaps. There may be something at the library, or a sports venue, etc. Amateur dramatics may be a good idea, or a writers society. Trying something completely new might be a good idea.

You are currently apart, but friends. That seems like a good place to be. You can support her, without giving her false hope. Make it clear that you are definitely there for her, but that dating seems to keep ending negatively ~ in break-ups, so you think that there is a much better future, for you both, if you remain just good friends. See the positive in it ~ otherwise you could end up resenting her ~ which would be bad for both of you.

I am guessing that, in a situation where she is alone, and has always felt unwanted, (you feel that) your rejection could push her over the edge. I do appreciate the potential seriousness of this, so I really think that counselling should be the way to go. Could you take her? Could you see a counsellor, yourself, just to get some advice?

I wish that I could be more helpful, but she probably needs expert help and support, to enable her to cope with things as they are. I agree with BLR that she really could do with the expert help of a counsellor and the support and friendship of someone who cares about her.

It wouldn't be possible for her to stay with her friend, she has a tight work schedule and her friend lives out of state. I could take her to counselling if that were something she wanted to do, however i don't think she could pay for the services, neither can I.

Do you feel I need counselling? I'm not opposed to it, although i think I'm just in tough situation, and looking for a little insight from people who are more knowledgeable than myself.

Its a touchy situation because right now, I'm both a source of her pain and her main support, for the most part all she has is me... I'm going to do my best to be a supportive and caring friend, but is there anything else i can do to help the situation?

I don't know ~ and that is why I thought that it might be a good idea for you to get some expert help and advice, so that you can help her, and do what is right for both of you.

Guess I'm gonna have to figure this one out on my own.
Wish i didn't miss her so much, maybe i just need more time to figure out my next step.

Maybe you do need to take a step back.

You miss this girl, yet you don't feel that you want to be with her.

You like your friend's sister, but that hasn't stopped you falling for other girls ~ some of whom you have mentioned on past posts.

Perhaps it is time to be single, and just to be a good friend. Then see how things work out for all of you.

what other girls?

you dont have to think of that girl as a girlfriend, think of her as a sister or someting else, someone you need to protect.

I just noticed that you mentioned flirting with, and dating, other girls, here:

Is this the same 'ex' ?

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...this#Post390745

this isn't bad advice...however sounds easier said that done.

PDM, no this isn't the same ex, i spent about 4 months single before i met the girl im talking about in this thread. I have def learned from my past mistakes, i have been totally faithful this time around.

just having alot of trouble sorting my feelings out, and i feel like i only have a short amount of time to get things in order before its too late one way or the other.

You can be a friend to this girl, and help her, without making any long-term commitments.

maybe you must move on and try new one! You already tried with her many times and still no good result. You broke and make up but doesn't go to new level of relationship improvement. Might as well try new and discover yourself you may feel pity to her but how about yourself wont you find your self pity?