I was wondering people's opinions here concerning when is it the right time to have children in a marriage.

I've seen sooo many opinions about this. I know in my case, I/we are probably not ready yet. But, as I'm hoping other women here can sympathize with, that mother's instinct in hormones kick in extremely hard sometimes! It can be pretty scary how bad I, as a woman can want children!

So I'm wondering opinions. Is finances a factor? Length of marriage/relationship? Having a house? Finishing college/grad school? Just love? What do ya'll think?

First of all, I think you should enjoy each other for a while. Do things together, travel, just have fun being with each other.
To be honest, if you wait till you're financially secure, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO HAVE KIDS. But, I think you need to have a place to live, some money put aside, someone to watch the child if you're going back to school/work and love and respect for each other. Raising a child is no easy task and it's nice to know that your spouse/partner will be there for you.
I hope i'm making some sense.

Diane

hehe I have something to share. When I saw the title to this thread this came to my mind right away. It was sent to me a while back. [u][b]Just for fun: Are You Ready To Have Children?[/b][/u] [u]Mess Test[/u]: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the TV and leave it there all summer. [u]Toy Test[/u]: Buy a 55-gallon drum of Lego’s. (If Lego's are not available you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house and stairways. Put on a blindfold and remove your shoes and socks. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake the child at night. [u]Grocery Store Test[/u]: Borrow one or two small animals. (Goats will do nicely.) Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. [u]Dressing Test[/u]: Obtain one large live octopus or giant squid. Stuff into a small mesh bag, making sure that all arms stay inside. [u]Feeding Test[/u]: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy breakfast cereal into the mouth of the jug as it swings by while you pretend to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor. [u]Physical Test for Women[/u]: Obtain a large beanbag and sew it to the front of your clothes. Add two pounds of beans per month for nine months. Then remove the beans, but do not remove the bag. [u]Night Test[/u]: Obtain a canvas bag, similar to those used to prepare for floods. Fill with ten pounds of sand, and soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 pm. Put down the bag and lie down, setting your alarm for 10:00 pm. Pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up more if necessary and continue singing, waltzing, and humming until 4:00 am. Set down the bag and set your alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Look pretty. Do this every night for five years. [u]Physical Test for Men[/u]: Go to the drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter and tell the clerk to help himself. Then proceed to the nearest food store. Arrange for your paychecks to be deposited directly to the food store's bank account. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. [u]Final Assignment[/u]: Find a couple with a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and the child's table manners. You may eventually make new friends to replace these. hehehe... :D Hope you got a giggle.

OMG!!!! I LOVE THIS!!!!!!
I used to say that my daughter was so bad, that all teens should spend time with her. She was a walking advertisemnt for birth control.

haha that is funny! How old is your daughter now? does she have kids?

OMG! iLuvNature that is just sooo perfect! Love it!!
And Niki, I completely agree with luv my bird. Kids are a 24hr 7days a week lifetime commitment. I say lifetime because NO it doesn't end when they turn 18. If anything it gets more..IDK worrisome/difficult as they get older. Once they become teenagers> Let the fun begin!! LOL
Anyway having kids definitely puts a tremendous strain on any relationship no matter how strong it is. So you have to be prepared to endure the pressure and stick together. And I'm not just talking newborns and midnight feedings.
Kids are great though..I love kids and they are soo worth all they put you through. Even when you're ready to strangle them LOL

My daughter is 26, single but in a committed relationship. Engagement in the near future.
I only hope that she has a daughter JUST LIKE HER. She needs a dose of her own medicine.

ya mean it really doesnt end when they turn 18!! LOL...haha I know it doesnt...although I cant wait until my oldest daughter who now is 17 turns 18 at the end of this year, I know it really wont be the end of the worries. She now has a BF (that is actually more decent, thank goodness, than other guys she was kinda interested in the past) and I also have a 14 year old boy and an almost 13 year old daughter...eek...yes, feel sorry for me...lol!


I love my kids though. Sometimes I wish they were Fids so I could put them in a cage though and keep them out of trouble that way. So much easier to control and then just take them out when I want to play with them..lol. I am only kidding! I think...hahhahaha!!

Ok, my kids must be hungry..its time to unlock the closet door and let my kids out for the day..only KIDDING!!!!!

So your daughter is probably a senior and graduating highschool this year? What does she plan on doing? Kind of a confusing, scary, and great time for them at that age I think. Prepare for the ride! LOL
I have 2 boys 14 and 19,well 15/20 in March!Where did the time go!? And they've been complete opposites right from the get go.I always wished they came with an on/off switch lol
And yeah, My mom always wished the same for me and I've definitley wished the same for my 2. "Hope you have one just like you" Or "You'll see when you have kids"

This will be her last year. She actually just turned 17 near the end of december 2008 (wow its 2009!)
She has been giving us a bit of trouble..thinks she knows EVERYTHING, you know how that goes! She thinks we are too strict and will not understand it until she is out there on her own and has kids or her own.

I get you about the "on and off switch" LOL..wouldnt that be great! My kids have grown up sooo fast. I sometimes catch myself just staring at them and my youngest has caught me doing it and say ..WHAT?!.. I just tell her...your growing up too fast, and I tear up. MOM! she says..lol!

All of them are so different..the oldest so stubborn, my middle one, the boy (just turned 14 beginning of Dec)..sensative and shy, my youngest girl 12 outgoing, rambunctious.

Boy do I feel old. Not really though...just seeing them grow up makes me realize how old I really am. My oldest daughter is the age I was when I met my hubby!


boy, we really hijacked this thread didnt we?!! Sorry!! *hides*

I don't care if they're 6 or 26, they are always going to give you problems. HOpefully, nothing too severe (drugs, drinking,).
I think my kids are the reason I have anxiety and breathing problems.

I agree with pretty much everything that has already been said.

To be decent parents, you need to be able to provide a roof over their heads, a loving home, food, education, clothing, love, security, a safe environment.

As long as you can provide the basics, the best time to have children is when you feel ready to have children.
It's not always easy, but, if you want them & love them, it is very rewarding.

Be aware of post-natal depression, though, so that if it kicks in, you are ready to kick it out again!

one major thing that some ppl don't realize too is that MEDICAL CARE is a big thing too. if it wasn't for me and my hubby being in the military, (i was actually not in anymore when i got pregnant), we would not have even thought about having a kid at all. becuz it costs SOOO much to just HAVE a baby in the hospital these days. especially if you have to take an ambulance for some reason. just that alone here in cali is as low as $2000 just to take a ride to the hospital. more than that if u need fluids and/or meds along the way.

as for us tho... we were not even ready when i got pregnant. it was a surprise. but, we were 2gether 4 1/2 years and married 2 1/2 years of that before we had our daughter. she is now 6 yrs old and in the 1st grade. and let me tell ya. all the things being said b4 me here is all sooo true. all kids are sooooo different. so u never know what your child will turn out to be like.
unfortunately for our daughter her mom and dad are both stubborn and leaders. so she has it real bad. never wants to listen. wants to be in control all the time. and just drives us up the wall on a daily basis. well, at least 6 days out of 7. lol. she is very smart and bright. she can already read past the level of the kids in her class. so that is awesome. gets that from her momma. hehe. but geez, we wish that she would use common sense a bit more. lol. hopefully in the near future. we will help her work on it til then.

again, i do agree that there is a lot of very good advice here from all. there is a LOT to think about b4 actually having a child. i also totally agree that if u wait til u r financially ready, it may never happen. unless u r already rich, u r ready yo go. lol.

good luck to u with what u decide to do. i feel that u will make good parents since u r looking into this type of stuff b4 actually making a decision.

I agree with everything that has been said - especially I*luv*nature's test. It will be the hardest job you ever take on and the most rewarding job you will never complete.

If you think about it too much you can always find reasons not to have children - and very few to have children.

Chances are that your children will have all the traits you dislike about your spouse and vice versa.

But having children is the one thing in life that is truly wonderful, warts and all.

Barbara said, "...having children is the one thing in life that is truly wonderful...." I say, grandchildren are the icing on the cake!

amen

good point u 2. altho i am FAAAR from being a grandparent. but i know i LUV my grammy and i am her favorite... hehehe.. but once i do get there i would have to agree with the icing on the cake part. lol. i'm a dork.

Children are expensive! Definitely!

As for the medical bills, that didn't come into it for us.
We have the NHS over here.

Personally I can't wait for the icing on the cake! LOL But since my oldest is not quite 20 yet, I GUESS I'll give him a few more years to ice my damn cake! hahaha

I know for a fact that my kids are TRYING for my icing on the cake, so i'm getting exciting at that thought of being a mom-mom. I will spoil the heck out of the my grandkids. There's a reason why my family called me "easy touch". I'm the "go to" parent when it comes to getting things.

Hey, spoiling is under job description for being a Grandma isn't it???? And then you can give them back to their parents and let THEM deal with it. HA HA take that kids, and here's the loudest, noisiest toy I could find to go home with them! hehehe Can't wait!

The one thing that would annoy the heck of of my daughter-in-law is her kids playing video games all day. My son is a video game addict and she hate it!!!! hahahaha I know the first thing i will buy them <evil grin>

We keep some of the toys here for when the little ones visit, but the loud ones definitely go home with them.

Now, I've gotta say that the one who would just as soon not share my attention is my little Princess - our calico cat, Trippi. Both she and our youngest grandson, Ben, think that my entire day should be spent with just the one.

But of course your little Princess should get the most atttention Carl..she is a Princess afterall! How old is Ben? Maybe he can play with Princess..you know drag a toy around or whatever and that would appease her for a while?
And Diane, my youngest is a total video game freak too. His older brother just can't get how he can play those "stupid" games allll day LOL Especially now with Xbox live and all where he can play them with others from just about anywhere and of course now he has a certain few peeps he plays with all the time.
I can say one thing for his love of gaming though..he started playing video games when he was 2 and certain RPG games had a lot of reading involved to know what to do next or whatever. So he was constantly yelling MOM! read it! And of course I would. Don't ask me how he understood it because I didn't and he was only 2-3 yrs old! Anyway he must have been following along with my reading because by the time he was 3 he was able to read on his own. Not just the stuff in the games but actually reading at first grade level or higher. Even the newspaper! Amazing!When he hit first grade he tested at 6th grade level(the highest he was tested at)and by 2nd grade he tested at post highschool level! Yes..I was and still am very proud of my youngest gamer brat. So anyway gaming can't be all bad. As long as they have a firm grip on reality that is
I know-I went totally off topic yet again-sorry

I find it very hard to believe that my friends are grandparents ~ especially the ones who are younger than me & who have been grandparents for about 10 years!

Well I did say I do know we're not ready yet. x_x I was really just looking for opinions in a non-personal way, but I guess it still works. =P I had a long enough lecture from my best friend about not being ready, that was enough to shut me down until we are! She has the most gorgeous baby boy I've ever seen, and always says how I'll have a football team someday, but her wisdom when serious was pretty humbling.

I still wonder what qualifies a couple though. As already stated "financially secure" can sometimes be a thing so evasive. No one really knows what it really means, and certainly husbands never think they're there yet! Emotionally ready? Who knows until it happens, some people are never really emotionally stable, it's just in their personality. Should they never have kids? Or the people who go into long educational processes where it can take 7 years to finish their PhD program, should they wait until that's finished?

I mean in the end, most of the time I'd think babies come quite unplanned. You can do everything right and perfect and not "slip up" and one can still come.

Of course the traditional Catholics and other of the major religions would say "if you're not ready to have kids, you're not ready to be married."

I actually was flamed by some crazy Catholic person about that. He seriously believes the only purpose for sex and marriage is children. I was flabbergasted. He thought if I didn't think I was ready for children, then I wasn't ready for marriage. I disagreed, but that was interesting.

EDIT: Addition:

And you know.. then there's the issue of health. My mother had/has Lupus, and when she was my age they didn't really know as much about the disease as they do now. They were convinced children could kill the mother. They were also convinced she wouldn't live past 35. She had me against their advise, then had my brother. They tried to convince her the whole time to abort him, they said he'd certainly die and if not, kill her. Well, he made it out fine, and so did my mother. But then they successfully convinced her to get a hysterectomy. Now of course she regrets it.

I'm not the healthiest of women myself. At this point I'm not sure if I will be better or get worse. But should women be so strongly advised against having children because of that?

As far as not being the healthiest woman, talking to your doctor would be the best way to go. He can ADVISE you on how to proceed.
I suppose it depends on the type of health issues you're dealing with. Not all health issues should prevent you from having children.

It all depends on the people & the circumstances.

I know a social worker, who had to remove a child from her mother, because the mother was a single-parent drug-addict, with no support, and no food for the child.

I know a woman, who said that it wasn't right to have a child, until you had a house kitted out with all mod cons, including a dishwasher. She had her children before her dishwasher!

I know a woman, who claims to dislike children, but who has two of her own & is a child-minder!

I know women, whose husbands became very ill and had to work, and look after their children & spouses.

I know men, whose children are the centre of their lives, but who didn't even realise that they wanted children, until their wives became 'broody' and they came along.

I know women, who became broody, only after miscarrying a child that wasn't even planned in the first place.

I have ulcerative colitis. It flared up for the first time, after I had my second son. Because it wasn't diagnosed, I became very, very ill and thought that I would never be able to have the daughter I wanted. But she came along, anyway, and the pregnancy actually helped my illness.

I think that ~ officially ~ RCs believe that sex is a sin and the only reason for it is to conceive. That's why you only marry for babies, you never use contraceptives, and sex before marriage is sinful.

I think it would depend on the illness. And yes if there is a definite health risk to mom and or baby then of course a doctor has an obligation to point out the risks and strongly advice against it accordingly. Strongly advice doesn't mean forbid. It's still your choice whether or not you take their advice
All I can say is that if you do want kids in the future-near or far-do every thing you can do to make yourself healthier in the meantime.

I figured that the best place to put this would be here. I'm having some serious baby fever right about now. It started a few months ago, but after a serious talk with my boyfriend in September, we decided we could try to have a baby September 2009 if we are lined up to buy a house (our lease is up in December). I think it is because Juliana is getting so big now, she is looking less and less like a baby and more like a child, and I miss that. Also, I had a horrible time with my ex-husband when I was pregnant with J and I was not able to enjoy the experience at all. My ex didnt want kids, and his way of dealing with the pregnancy was to ignore it.

My boyfriend Carlos is a great guy, we have been together for over 1 year and I feel so much more comfortable with him than my ex. We had some problems in December when he was laid off his job because we both started to get depressed, but after some talking we were able to work everything out and I really feel like that made us much stronger as a couple. Since then, we have been doing great and I have never been happier. Im not concerned about not being married to him, because we live together and are basically married, we just dont have the piece of paper that says so. I definately think that we will get married eventually, but we cant do that right now. He is a great dad to J and wants to have a large family.

Back in Sept, like I said, he and I discussed having a baby and we decided to wait until Sept 09, but lately if I mention it to him, half the time he will tell me to get my birth control (I have the Mirena)removed and we will try to have a baby now. Sometimes he even brings it up himself. Other times, he just says no, no, no, we're not ready, etc etc, wait until Sept. So now Im starting to think that he's catching the baby fever too.

I just want to make sure we can do this financially, and really Sept would (in theory) be the best time to do this. I will have been at my job for 1 year in Sept (so I get a raise) and we will most likely have saved up money for a down payment and will be looking at houses. I really really want us to move before I have another baby so that we can have enough space, etc. I also want to be able to decorate J's andnew baby's rooms.

Please give me some advise to curb this baby fever. Or your opinions. I'm driving myself nutso here.

I have to say thanks for sharing Amaggiepie. I may not be much help, but I think as a woman I can at least share.

I have a personal opinion of spacing out children 3 years. I hear the body doesn't fully heal from pregnancy until 3 years after, and generally think it's a good rule. But! I dunno if that opinion would stay when I start having kids! Hehe.

I think with baby fever though.. it's just something that has to be waited out. I get it so so bad sometimes I just want to *cough* forget *cough* my birth control pills and oops! there it happens. My best solution is to remember the reasons why I can't or shouldn't. It's really all I got. Stay away from baby sites, mommy's to be... forums help a lot too cause people tend to give their real life stories and get our heads out of the baby clouds!

But then again my hubbie DEFINATELY does not want kids now. So all I have to do is tell I'm having "mommy hormones" and he'll give me the look, and I take my Pill and be a good wife... and I'm young, don't have kids, and am in no financial situation or anything to think about having kids. *sigh* So I'm probably not any help at all!

EDIT ADD: Forgot this was my thread! All I have to do is go back and read some of the things people typed and it killed my baby fever. I actually got quite depressed after reading this! All the statements of medical care, the cost, the work... yeah that was enough to kill the desire in me..... THANKS!

I guess because I already have J, I think to myself, "well one more wont really be that much more expensive, right?" lol. I really know I need to wait, but some days, I just get that *itch*. I definately know what it feels like to want to forget your bcp (birth control pills). Heck, if I didn't have the Mirena in, I probably would have gone off the deep end and threw them out by now . Which is why I got it. I can't take it out on a whim. Anyway, thanks for responding. Ill have to go back and re read this thread.

I'm wondering. Is it a good reason to start having kids because of dying/aging relatives?

For example in my case, 2 dearly loved grandparents are deceased. My remaining grandfather isn't doing very well at all. I'm their only grandchild that's married. I want them to have great-grandchildren, and want my children to have at least a picture of a great-grandparent. My mother has a picture of my great-grand-mother (my Italian ancestor) holding me as a baby. She died shortly after, maybe a few weeks after.. so it means the world to me and my mom that she got to hold me.

There may be many reasons for wanting children ~ the important thing is that they are wanted ~ and loved and cared-for.

OK. Sadly I can offer advice here as I have gone through this kinda...
I was 38 weeks pregnant with my first and surprise baby (we were using protection) when my father suddenly had a stroke... I got induced to make sure, if the worst was to happen I wouldn't have to try and give birth with that extra stress (bad enough that he was seriously ill)
So, to rush to the end because it was so insane, my father died two weeks after I had my daughter and his funeral was two weeks after that (my family met my daughter at my father's wake!)

To lose someone so close to me (my father and I spoke everyday!) AND to gain someone so close to me (of course!) was... well... I have no words.

My daughter is amazing, she slept through from day one, she eats whatever I give her, she barely crys and is the most beautiful thing ever... but... I miss my popsy everyday... *pause*

*breathe*

*calm*

OK.... I am back...

*breathes out slowly*

I always wanted children, Willow was a huge shock.
It is so hard to be a mommy.
It is so hard when your father dies.
so hard to have both happen at the same time.

BUT

I am so happy! (tired but happy)

You will have a baby when you feel ready... you will know when you are.
It is also not about money (useful though)

Me and my man were just starting a major course at uni (degrees in photography) when I found out I was pregnant, my man went on to complete less than a year (too stressful with him out all day and me losing my mind at home - I also had post-natal depression - fun!) so we were not rolling in cash!
It has been hard to get all the things a child needs but with the internet comes other people with their advice about what you REALLY need!

All I will say is it is great to plan things, sensible even, but sometimes life gets in the way and things feel right and feel right NOW.

You can never really be ready for a baby, you will be shocked even if you are trying for one every day. If you and hubby want children then just do it... there never is a "right time"

I think Willow was given to me because I was to lose my beloved father.... She got me through it. Without her I don't think I would have coped... I have to continue on because she needs me... Now, 15 months on I realise I need her. xx

Do what you feel is right, deep down you know if it is time.


(WOW I rambled on!! LOL!! Did I contradict myself enough times!? Did I even help?! LOL!!)

Fabutam that was wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing. It really did help because you gave a very relevant real story. So much of what you said is what I needed to hear.

As for me, I went through another wave of wanting one badly and (as right now) thinking I would go insane if I did become pregnant. When Steve was in the hospital this past week expecting surgery, I was going nuts thinking of what I would do if I lost him and lived my life as a childless widow. Then when he made it through and is now home looking at three months being out of work and us being with no income (unless I get a job) and things with school not looking bright... needless to say a child is far from my mind. *sigh*

I just found out I'm expecting. My fiance and I are in no financial place to have a baby and we panicked at first but now that the shock is over we're starting to feel excited. I'll be 29 next month and I keep feeling like if we had waited and waited to have a baby it may never have happened. Yes our little jelly bean is a surprise but we already love him/her. The budgies probably won't though.

Congratulations - my son and daughter had a "tadpole" so I know how excited you are about your jelly bean.

No one is ever in a financial place to have a baby. Fact of life.

Absolutely!
Great! Congrats!