RomanceClass.com
Originally Posted By: MW1
I just started a new job about 6 weeks ago, before that I had been let go from my previous job in March of 2009, struggled to find a new job and ended up with a temp job that was supposed to turn perm after 6 months... the 6 months came and went, and then I found my current job.

My husband has been miserable with his job for over a year and a half now - really down in the dumps, not interested in doing anything which includes working out, meeting people, having fun, etc. I have tried to encourage him to get out and do things, find a new job, etc. but none of that has worked. I told him i thought he was depressed, because I know what it feels like and looks like to be depressed (I've been there and seeked counseling that really helped me out) - but he told me he didn't need that.

Needless to say, things have been rough for us over the past year or two. I turned to drinking when I lost my job and almost lost control - trying to get a hold of that now - but still run into problems when things get too hard for me to control - like now. My new job requires me to travel around the world. I had my first trip 2 weeks ago - I was gone for 15 days... and I loved it. and I can't wait to get back out on the road. This bothers him, along with the fact that I said my job might take me places around the world if any advancement opportunities arise in the future. I told him I was considering it as a possibility down the road. Again - he didnt like that.

Ugh - I don't know where to even start. I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. We've been together 11 years and I'm only 28. I don't know if I made the right decision. I don't feel like we're on the same page anymore and we've tried talking about things, but I have a feeling it's too late. I've been the hold up with kids and with me wanting to travel and maybe move out of the country for work that just puts things farther back - kids wise. I need some input - I will provide additional details if questions are asked.
Originally Posted By: BLR
Welcome to the forum. Hope we can help you sort thru this.

You have got to figure out what you want. Do you want this marriage to work? What if you suddenly lost your wonderful job you have now?

How much did drinkng have to do with the 15 days that you loved? Sorry blunt question but I know where you are coming from.

Did you ever love you husband and why? Do you have the courage and strength to stand by him while he sorts out his life?

Mem usually don't "need" counseling until their life blows up in their face. Then they feel the counselor is bias.

Do you want kids, ever. Does he want kids. Just wondering if this is an issue.

Sorry I didn't have any input, just questions.
Hi MW1, and congratulations on the job! smile

You and your husband have been through a rough time. This happens in many marriages, especially if there are problems with work and / or money. Stress can be caused by many things: if one has a great job and the other is unhappy at work; if one wants children and the other isn't ready; if they no longer want the same things from life; if either or both feel that they are no longer in love.

I think that, sometimes, people marry too young and then grow up, and apart, but young marriages can also be very close, because of all the shared times. Could you have some kind of reminiscence evening ~ remembering early dates, looking at old photos, etc?

I agree that your husband sounds depressed and I think that your great new job may make him feel worse, but that's not your fault and you had problems through losing your previous job.

Men tend to identify themselves with their work, more than women do, I think, so this could well be a major problem for him.

My husband & I met when we were teenagers; I have been in a horrendous job, he has worked away for weeks on end, so, naturally, there has been stress at times (I was the one who suffered depression), but we have been together, now, for 35 years and we are very happy.

Do consider BLR's questions.

Do you love him & do you want the marriage to work?
Does he?

You say that you don't think that you are, but this sort of negativity can happen when things are difficult. You could come through this and be very happy together.

Certainly, if you are not sure about the marriage and your feelings, then children should not be considered.

How did your husband react to your drinking, by the way?

Do you believe that you can you find a way through this?
Do you want to?
Maybe marriage counselling could help?

Maybe you need a joint action plan.
~ You both work on your marriage.
~ He must see about his depression and possibly look for another job.
~ You agree to travel with your work for so long and then have children, provided the marriage is on a firm footing by then.

Something like that, but which suits your own situation and personalities. smile

Have a look at John Gray's website. Understanding each other and yourselves could be the first step on the way to improving matters, and Gray's site could help. You may be able to find his books in the library. I thought that they were very good with helping to understand, and communicate with, the opposite sex.

http://home.marsvenus.com/

Good luck! smile
First and foremost, I want to be happy. I say this and I feel like it makes me look selfish... but then I think back on my life and I don't ever see me trying to make me happy. When I was a child I worked so hard to make my parents happy and my friends happy - then my world came crashing down and I lost all my friends because I was relying on them too much - I was severely depressed, not taking care of myself via eating disorders and cutting, drinking to the point of blacking out and almost running away because I didn't see how else I could have escaped my life. Then I met David and I was happy for a while.

I dated David all through college - long distance, so part of me thinks I had a pretty good college experience because I was able to grow, but then I look back and I see how other people came out of college - with friends. The only person I came out of college with was David. It got to the point in college with David where I wanted to make him happy and I was willing to do anything to make that happen. I changed the way I looked, did things for him because he enjoyed them... not me enjoying them. So here I was, after my entire childhood of making my parents happy and I was again trying to please someone else instead of myself.

And this always wanting to please someone else despite it not making me happy has continued - until about the last year when I started doing things that made me happy - it just so happens that these little things that made me happy didn't make my husband happy and he didn't want to be around me when I did these things. These things were small too - like enjoying a couple of tv shows, and a lot of these tv shows we started watching together but then he decided he didn't like them anymore and he told me I could go into another room to watch them. In addition to this small interest, I decided it was time for me to work on making and maintaining friendships - this included seeking counseling, trying to open myself up to people, etc. and it's working some. Most of my friends have come through my work and I have maintained those friendships even after I got let go from my job.

I have dealt with many issues over the past couple of years, including difficulties with my parents, falling off the bandwagon with my eating disorder, drinking, etc. I have been going to counseling and medicating as necessary (not self medicating - seeing someone who determined what medicines would be best for me to take). With this counseling I now think I have a pretty good grasp on my relationship with my parents, I am back on the bandwagon re: my eating disorder (though with that it's always going to be a constant struggle), and I have gotten a handle on my drinking (for the most part - I still go back to it at times and am working to move on from this - trying to find other ways to deal with the stresses of life, marriage, work, etc.).

With all of the above going on, I thought my relationship with my husband was ok - but it wasn't. David didn't like the fact that I talked to a counselor instead of him, he didn't like the fact that I wanted to watch TV shows that he didn't like, he didn't like the fact that I wanted to make friends outside of our marriage - he didn't understand why I wasn't happy just having him as a friend and spending all my time with him. I told him I needed other people - sure I have my family and him, but I needed and wanted to develop friendships with people. And why did I want this after being with him for so long? Why did I not speak up about it before? I have always wanted it but I honestly don't know why I never spoke up about it before.

I'm not sure if I want the marriage to work. Part of me wants to make it work because I see how much pain it is causing David and I love him and hate to see him in pain. But then, there I go again staying with something because I want to make them happy. Don't get me wrong - David and I have been talking about this every night now since I got back from my work trip - but I don't feel any different... I don't feel like it's going to work. But it's still early, and we've just started this process.

Re: drinking with the 15 days I loved. Not much - Beer and wine here or there, but I loved it because not only was the location amazing, but I really fell in love with my job in addition to the opportunities that the job could offer me. I'm extremely excited about where the job can take me and I want to travel. I told my husband I hoped I could go back because I loved it that much - this did NOT go over well. It also did not go over well when I told him I could travel more than 30% (to maybe 40, so not much more) - which to me is not bad especially since with my prior job I was on the road 100% of the time - every week for over a year - and it wasn't around the world it was just up the coast. With this job I could go all over the world - South America, Europe, Africa, and the list goes on.

Re: "Did you ever love you husband and why? Do you have the courage and strength to stand by him while he sorts out his life?" : I did love him - I do care for him. I want him to be happy. I have encouraged him to find a new job - this has been 3 years in the making. I have encouraged him to get out and do things that make him happy, but all he chooses to do is sit on the sofa, watch tv and play on the computer. He has thankfully found a new job - as of yesterday he accepted it - and I'm very happy for him. He tells me that he's going to get out and do things that make him happy - but he only says that now I think because of everything that has been going on.

Re: "Do you want kids, ever. Does he want kids." : I do want kids. He wants kids. He's wanted kids for a while, but I've been holding back because I wasn't where I wanted to be career-wise. And now that I've got this new job - we were talking about having kids... but I think I've changed my mind and I'd like to push it back a while. This does not make him happy - which I can understand. He says he's almost 30 and wants kids now before he gets too old. I don't see how 30 is old.

I see my responses to the above questions and I think it makes me look like a horrible person. Like a selfish person who has changed and who is hurting someone so badly. I used to see a future with David and I - I used to see us growing old together - but now I dont. I don't know what to do - I want him to be happy and I can't stand seeing him upset. I hope this new job will help him be happy. I feel horrible for what I might be causing.
DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON!!!!!!!!

I spent the first 18 year of my life trying to please my parents. I spent the second 18 year of my life trying to please my first husband. Neither one worked. It was for different reasons than your marriage, but just the same it didn't work because I was not being myself.

Thru marriage counseling (which obviously didn't save the marriage) I learned a lot about myself. I continued with the counseling after the divorce.

I am now living my life being myself. You are not being selfish.

My second marriage is now it its 25th year. I am very happy with my marriage, my husband and with myself. I am still working on the parent thing.

Consider this - if you stay with David because you are not wanting to hurt him is that fair to either of you.

My ex begged, pleaded etc. not to get a divorce. He is also now in a happy marriage that is in its 26th year.
BLR is right ~ you are not horrible; you are just in a difficult transition stage of your life.

Do not blame yourself ~ it won't help.

I am going out now, but I'll get back to this. smile

Take care.
David and I just talked... again. He wanted to know why I didn't necessarily see a future with him anymore - I told him because I wasn't sure I was in love with him anymore. Can't even begin to explain how his face made me feel. Ugh - the heart is heavy.

I told him I wanted to talk to someone outside of our marriage - not my parents, but a counselor to get some external input on the marriage. Don't think he understands why. I told him I didn't know what I was doing or what I should do and I needed some additional input from someone that isn't biased.

This is really hard - this in between stage of decision. I'm looking around the house thinking "what in the world am I going to do - we have everything together - everything - the house, the furniture, the dog, the wedding presents from 6 years ago". I'm scared and unsure of what to do.

What if I leave him and then I never find someone again? Then what do I do?
Make two lists. One listing why you would want to stay with David. On the other side of the paper list why you would not want to stay with David. You don't have to do anything with the lists. It is just an exercise in thinking about what you have and what you want.

Listen to me - if you are not ready to walk away from everything including the dog, you are not ready to walk.
Thank you for the advice - I will try making a list and weighing in on that information.

I do invite any additional suggestions or just experience from people as I have not been through this before (obviously) - heck... I've never even been through a break-up with a boyfriend before - although this is more serious (again, another obviously).

My husband and I are talking about a trial separation, but he has no where to go because he won't tell his parents what is going on - even though I'm sure they've figured out that something is wrong in our household. Also when my husband suggested it (after I suggested we might want to consider it) - he said let's do it for this weekend (my entire family is coming into town for my younger sister's bridal shower that I'm hosting at my mom's house and the men usually get together and grab a couple of beers while the shower is going on - to which I can understand his discomfort and lack of desire to see my family - I'm sure I would feel the same way - that was a side-track). To me that's not a trial, that's someone going out of town for a small trip. I have asked him to take the dog if we do end up doing a trial separation - the dog is his, regardless of whether or not we got him when we were together.
I have also told him we need to get some counseling - but he's ready to jump the gun.
When you say jump the gun, are you saying separate?

Maybe you are both ready to move on and don't want to be the one to "cause" the breakup.
I'm the one causing the break-up. He says he's still in love with me - tells me that - and I tell him I love him too, which I do. But then he says, but you're not in love with me anymore. I don't know how to respond to that other than, no, I'm not sure I'm in love with you anymore.

Jump the gun meaning go ahead and do a trial separation before trying to work anything out with counseling.
It's a difficult situation, but it sounds as if it is working itself through, already. You and your husband are being truthful and communicative with each other. That is positive. Counselling can be really worthwhile, if it is with a good counsellor. A trial separation could be a good idea, because it will help sort out your feelings.

People grow apart and fall out of love, but people can also get into a rut and feel that they are no longer in love. It sounds as if you may soon know which it is in your case.

What if you leave him and never find someone else?

You may never find someone else.
He may never find someone else.
He may find someone more compatible.
You may find someone more compatible.

Who knows what the future may hold?

Do you stay together, regardless of your feelings for each other, because you fear being alone?
It's a reasonable thing to ask.
But you are only in your 20s.
If you weren't married already, would you settle for someone you weren't sure of, for fear of never finding someone else?

I can understand you feeling very confused over this. When you marry, it is meant to be forever.

It's all very well saying that you are an independent adult, responsible only for yourself, but, with close relationships, it is rarely that simple.

However, you cannot really make your husband happy, if you are not happy, yourself.
He cannot really be happy, knowing that you are not really happy to stay with him.
Will he really want you to stay, only because you are frightened of never finding anyone else?

These are things to think about, not reasons to end your marriage.

He loves you & you love him. I think that it is worth trying to rediscover the romance ~ try to make a new start.

Your life is changing, whatever happens. Perhaps you can sort all this out and look to the future together.

I have seen people in this situation.
For some, they get through it and their marriage gets stronger.
For others, the changes are too great, and they decide to separate.

It can go either way.

Good luck smile
I agree - it is a very difficult situation. We are being communicative with one another - but at times I wonder if it's even helping the situation. Counseling will be hard because my counselor wasn't available this week and i'm traveling next week, then things pick up at work and with this being a new job it's going to be hard for me to say I can't work. I think a trial separation is a good idea too - but I just don't know how long it should be, if I should get a temporary apartment that's furnished already, etc. I don't want to stay with my parents - that won't give me what I'm looking for and they'll be bugging me the entire time about how things are... That and my little sister is getting married at the end of April, both David and I are in the wedding - so we need to stick that one out. But I'm afraid the longer we stay together in the same house the angrier I get and the more distant we become, regardless of our conversations/discussions. Do we trial separate but put up a good face for everyone else?

I know people grow apart - and I told David that I wasn't sure if I'd grown apart from him or if we were just in a rut - he told me he didn't like that response because it meant either way I wasn't "in love" with him at the moment. He kissed me last night - I didn't feel anything. He says he feels like I'm sleeping further away from him in our bed, but to be honest he's got a body pillow that has always laid between us in bed. I've asked him repeatedly (in the past) to get rid of it or move it to the other side of him, but that hasn't changed. He says he needs it because his thighs stick together, but every time I wake up he's laying on his back and the stupid body pillow is laying next to him untouched.

Re: "What if you leave him and never find someone else?"
I've been thinking about that - and I think I will be happier regardless. That and I keep telling myself there's never just that one person for you - don't believe in the soul mate thing, personally. I also keep thinking that he will find someone that he truly deserves - not someone who feels nothing from being kissed, hugs him just because I know that's what he needs, and other things because he wants it.

It is a fear of being alone? Could be because all I've ever known is time with him - it's been 11 years and we've been through a lot, but I know I've changed. But also a lot of thinking about having to split everything up that we've gotten together - that's going to be quite a task. He doesn't want his bed because he says there are too many memories - and that's just the start.

20s is young to me - not to him. If I weren't married already, I wouldn't settle for someone I wasn't sure of, someone that didn't make me happy. It will be hard in the beginning (if that beginning comes), but I will get through it - I'm lucky to have my family here in town and my friends both in and out of work.

I'm extremely confused. I don't know how I feel and if I feel is just a phase - I have gone through this before recently, but then after a day I snapped out of it - this has been a while now (and by a while I mean several weeks) and I don't feel any differently than what I did the day I brought this up to him, regardless of his efforts and my efforts to talk things through.

I asked him if he wanted me to stay to make him happy - he said no because he knew how I felt. I feel like we need to keep things "together" right now because my grandmother is dying, my little sister is getting married and there's just so much going on right now that I can't stand to make anyone else uncomfortable or unhappy about what's going on with David and I. I don't need to bring my worries into their lives because they have plenty of things going on that they need to worry about.

There is much to think about. I do love him/care for him and he's "in love" with me - there is a difference to me. We are trying with the romance thing, but it's really hard when I don't feel that romantic thing for him. I've tried looking at old pictures of him and I through the years, but that just brings up other feelings that were present but have not surfaced until recently.

So confused... and so unsure. So hate being in this situation and seeing how it's affecting David.
The thing is, you are working it through.
That's all you can do.
You can vent on here, and ask for opinions, and we will try to help, but only you ~ along with your husband ~ can actually make those important decisions.
And I think that you are making them.

Quote:
I don't know how I feel and if I feel is just a phase - I have gone through this before recently, but then after a day I snapped out of it - this has been a while now (and by a while I mean several weeks)

Actually, if you and he have been down recently, a few weeks is not that long smile

Quote:
I feel like we need to keep things "together" right now because my grandmother is dying, my little sister is getting married and there's just so much going on right now that I can't stand to make anyone else uncomfortable or unhappy about what's going on

I can see your point. Plus, you and he need to be able to give your full attention to this very important matter.

Do you think that your time working away could contribute, a little, to knowing how a trial separation might feel?

I can sympathise with your confusion, and your not wanting to hurt someone you love.

Good luck smile
A few weeks isn't long - it's just longer than then temporary one day ruts I've had before - and those ruts were never discussed with David because they went away (or I pushed them away).

Me traveling could help - but I'm thinking a period of time longer than 4 days/3 nights might be necessary and more in line with a trial separation.

This forum has been extremely helpful over the past couple of days - it has helped me think more about things and realize some others... unfortunately I still don't know much. I do have an appointment with my counselor - but it's not for a week and a half - it was her first availability.

He is having dinner with his parents tonight - I was supposed to go, but with my younger sister's bridal shower tomorrow, me being out of town until last Saturday and all the after-work discussions I have been having with David, I haven't had much time to prepare and I was counting on tonight as one of those nights to prepare - food, favors, games, presents, etc. It's a TON to do and I don't want what has been happening to me impact my little sisters day tomorrow. I told him it might be a good time to talk to them about what's been going on - because I've been talking to my parents and I've been using this forum, whereas he has not been talking to anyone.
Yes, he probably needs to offload too.

Another view on things often helps us to rationalise out thoughts.

Glad we are able to help. smile
It is a very difficult and painful situation you are in. Many of the things I hear you talk about center around your career and traveling and the division of your possessions and interests you have. You have spoken about encourageing your husband to get a job and trying to encourage him to create a social life for himself. If I may reflect some things back at you, it strikes me that very little of what you do is centered around each other. You mentioned that he seemed depressed and you seem to be conveying that you think it may be because of his feeling about not haveing a job. You mentioned also that he seemed unhappy when there were things that you did separately or when you traveled and then expressed enthusiasm about traveling again.

Has it occured to you that perhaps he has been feeling as if there was an ever growing distance between you and that he has been affected by this and feeling lonely. Perhaps the little things that occur to emphasize your differing tastes in something as small as a television program, only serve to drive that fact home even more. Perhaps it wasn't the enthusiam to travel that bothered him but rather a lack of the separation bothering you. Now that you both are talking at least he is able to put an explanation to what he has been perceiving all along.

You certainly should not feel guilty for being honest and trying to discuss these issues with him. You have also expressed feelings for him and regret over hurting him.

You admitted that you have chosen to excape and handle your life by self medicating and presently going to counseling and taking proper medication in an effort to figure out what you want.

Although your husband has chosen to not go to counseling it does indead seem as if you have grown apart. Sometimes we don't so much grow apart, though, as much as we simply neglect being together until the love withers and the closeness becomes more and more distant.

You express how hard this has been for you, but I can only imagine that it has been even harder for your husband if he truly does still love you. You might have thought he was depressed about his job, but maybe he has been depressed about the lack of intimacy and bewildered about why and what to do about it. While you have had the excitement of travel and career advancement, he has had time on his hands to sense and fear he was loosing you. Sometimes that can be paralyzing in and of itself, without the added failure of your career going down the drain.

As for your wondering if you will turn around some day and realize you have made decisions and lost someone and might not find someone to love again.

That is a very real possibility. I say this because, you are high on life and excited by what your future holds and hungry to taste things you have been denying yourself all your life but not without a price. You admittedly have excaped from reality before and all this excitement might be yet another excape of sorts. At the end of the day, the most important things in our lives are the people we love and the warmth and closeness of someone to hold that you know cares. When all the glitter and excitement is long gone, we all return sooner or later to what is our hearts desire.

You have asked a lot of probing and provocative questions but I truly believe that until we ask those questions of ourselves until we "know" the answers it is really foolish to make life altering decisions. You can separate and you can travel and you can meet exciting people and have new and exciting experiences but if you are looking for something that was right in front of your eyes and you didn't know it. If you didn't know it because you didn't dig deep enough to discover what you were really looking for. You would not be the first person to turn around some day and find that what you really wanted is no longer there.

You have talked about the feelings that are not the same in your marriage and I would submit that many things can affect that. Paramount among those is "perception". Some things are not as they are but as we perceive them to be.

Other things that affect our feelings are medications. Sometimes they don't help us to feel as much as they prevent us from feeling.

Last but not least, nothing can thrive or survive if you starve it. Romance and love are like dancing the tango. At first it may be difficult and awkward but once you learn to do it right, it can be fun and sexy and romantic.

You are putting a lot of thought into your life and you mention that your talking about separation before you have finished figuring things out. I am sure you are both tired of being unhappy but remember that you "could" spend the rest of your life regretting a hasty decision.

I truly hope you and your husband find the answers for you both.

I think that you have mentioned some areas well worth considering, Jo.
Quote:
Other things that affect our feelings are medications. Sometimes they don't help us to feel as much as they prevent us from feeling.
Yes, that's true.
Jo made me think.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to sort out what you have posted, MW1, so that we can look at different areas.

I hope that this may help:


As a child you worked hard to make your parents happy.
You worked to make your friends happy.
Your 'world came crashing down'.
You lost all my friends because you were relying on them too much.
You became severely depressed.
You took little care of yourself.
You didn't eat properly ~ to the point of causing ill-health.
You drank a lot and would even black out.
You were self-harming.
You wanted to run away from your life.
You met your current husband.
You began to feel happy.
You dated your husband through college.
It was a long-distance relationship.
You were happy in college, but didn't make any real friends.
You started doing things just to please him and make him happy ~ including changing your look.
You did this regardless of whether or not this pleased you.
You got married when you were about 17.
Things have been rough for you over the past year or two.
About 18 months ago your husband realised that he was unhappy in his work.
He lost interest in doing anything, seeing people, or going out.
You have been encouraging him to find another job.
You used to watch a couple of TV programmes together
He stopped enjoying them.
You had a job working away all of the time ~ but not far from home.
About a year ago, you lost your job.
You turned to drink and came close to losing control of your life completely.
About a year ago you realised that you had always tried to make others happy, but not yourself, so you decided to start doing things that made you happy.
These things, though, made your husband unhappy.
You decided to watch the TV programmes that your husband no longer liked.
He told you to watch your favourite TV shows in another room, without him.
You started going for counselling and getting the medical help that you need.
You have been getting to know people and you made some new friends.
You have been trying to sort out the problems with your parents.
You have been trying to deal with your eating and drinking disorders.
You thought that your relationship with your husband was ok.
You thought that your future was together and that you would grow old together
Your husband felt aggrieved that you talked to a counselor, rather than to him.
He didn't understand why you needed other people ~ other than him.
He felt bothered that you wanted to make friends, when you already have him.
It took a while for you to find work, but, after getting a temporary contract, you finally found a new job that you love.
You tried to help your husband to cheer up and to become interested in his life again, but nothing seemed to work
You thought that your husband seemed to be suffering from depression.
You recommended counselling, but he didn't feel; that he needed any.
You have suffered with depression, yourself, and alcohol can still be a problem at times.
Your new job involves a lot of travel, all over the world ~ about 30% of the time.
You went away for 15 days, recently, and you loved it.
You can't wait to travel again.
This bothers your husband.
You may even be willing to consider promotion in your new job, which might involve more travel ~ about 40% of the time.
Your husband is not happy with this.
You love your new job and find it exciting.
Your husband is not happy about this.
Your husband seems to enjoy watching tv and playing on the computer.
Your husband has now found a new job.
He says that he is going to start going out and doing things that will make him feel happy
Your husband wants children soon ~ before he is 30, as he wants to be a young father.
You had discussed, with him, the possibility of having children fairly soon.
You have now changed your mind and decided to delay having children.
You want children, but not yet.
You want to be happy.
You want him to be happy.
You feel guilty that you are causing him to feel unhappy.
You feel happy with your 'new' attitude to life and feel that you always wanted to have friends and go out and enjoy life.
You love your husband, but you are not sure that you are 'in love' with him.
You are communicating with each other about this.
He says that he is still in love with you.
He feels very sad that you aren't sure that you are in love any more.
He thinks that a trial separation could be a good idea.
He doesn't want you to stay with him of you are not in love with him.
You do not feel that your marriage is going to last.
You have doubted your marriage before, but the feeling hasn't lasted.
You feel nothing when he kisses you.
He feels that you are sleeping further and further away from him.
You feel that you have been kept away from him in bed by his body pillow.
You are now 28.
He feels old ~ going on for 30.
You still feel young ~ in your 20s.
You feel fearful, confused and unsure of what to do.
You wonder what will become of all your joint things if you separate.
You wonder if you will find anyone to share your life with again, if you separate.
You feel that he deserves someone who loves him completely.
You have looked at old photos, but they just brought up feelings that used to be present but which have not surfaced until recently.
You have a lot on your mind with your grandmother's illness and your sister's wedding.
Neither of you wants to upset the rest of the family or get pressured by the family.
You hate upsetting your husband and just want him to be happy.
You feel that you are at fault for causing him pain.
You feel that he needs someone to talk to.
Ok, now some questions that came into my head as I was reading this. I am not trying to pressure you, just sort things out a little. You certainly don't have to answer these on the forum of course smile But they might be worth thinking about. I am guessing, though, that some of it might be painful and might be worth considering with your counsellor.

Why did you feel, even a a child, that you had to be the one who made people happy?
What caused your world to crash?
How did you come to lose your friends at such a young age?
Did you enjoy college ~ without friends & without your boyfriend?
How old were you when the drinking, cutting, etc, began?
How did your family react?
Did you tell your husband about it?
How did your husband react?

Has all this affected the way that you behave, and have behaved, towards your husband, do you think?

Why did the photos cause you problems?

I get the impression that your husband has been your 'rock', but at a price. You seem to feel that you have to please him, just for being there for you. But marriage is a two-way thing. He must have got something out of it too. You want him to be happy, but does he want you to be happy?

You were both very young to marry, yet he is satisfied with his lot ~ even if it means hating his job and just sitting on the sofa, watching TV.

You have always appeared to be content with this too. But it was an appearance, only. You were not content, but you wanted to do and say whatever made him happy ~ including agreeing to have children.

Long term, living this lie has made neither of you happy, because you were becoming frustrated and he has now discovered this.

Losing your job and finding this amazing new one has given you what you always wanted ~ people, fun, adventure, etc, and all while you are still young enough to enjoy it.

It seems that he has never wanted adventure. He wanted a good job, a home, a TV, a wife and kids. He thought that he had that, so he is probably in shock.

But you, too, thought that life was going to just carry on as it had done ~ home, husband and babies.

However, the new job has shown you a new life. And it has happened just as counselling has helped you to discover the real you ~ and to make new friends and sort things out with your family. You are probably in shock yourself!

You feel confused, but your husband must feel confused as well. He has just seen his life change in front of him. His loving wife isn't sure that she loves him; his soon-to-be-born babies have been put on hold.

But has he contributed to the gulf between you?
He didn't want to watch TV with you.
He didn't want to deal with the body pillow problem.
He didn't want to go out with you.
He knows that you love your new job, but he hasn't supported you in it.
You are working away less than before, yet he still isn't happy about it.
Everyone needs friends, but he doesn't seem to like you having friends.

Is he really 'in love' with you, in a way that you aren't with him?

After 11 years of marriage, very few couples are 'in love' in the same way that they were when they were younger. The love develops and evolves.

Until recently, you thought that you would have babies soon and grow old together. That doesn't sound like someone who has totally and actively fallen out of love.

As you say, you have both been through rough times lately. You may well have grown apart. But this happens to many people ~ even in the happiest of marriages. Sometimes you just need to re-assess the relationship. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame him. You are bound to change and grow as time goes by.

Thirty is not too old to have children ~ though I was told that it was, when I had my first at that age.

If you have your adventures now, you will be happier to settle down in a little while.

You will be home more than you were before, so there will be time to get to know each other again.

And depression and medication can definitely affect relationships ~ sometimes for the better and sometimes not.

You may be able to fall in love again and start afresh, or it might be time to make the break. Be sure ~ or as sure as you can be. Talk it over. Give it every chance. Talk to your counsellor. See how it goes.

Good luck smile
Thank you for all the advice - I will think about this and respond later this evening.
Finally responding to the above:

Regarding the medication - I know you all don't mean any harm when you say the medication may possibly be hurting the situation, but I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one. When I first started taking the medication I was extremely depressed - let me preface that by stating that some families may be labelled as "prozac families" - that's my family - the only difference is that I was the first to truly admit it to everyone that my depression was not a situational depression - it was something I had been struggling with for many years of my life - at least 10. Finally I found something that made me actually feel NORMAL - I had what regular people call their ups and downs, their highs and lows. I wasn't happy all the time, I wasn't sad all the time - I was able to deal with things rationally, the way an adult should deal with things that impact their lives. My husband told me he could tell the difference between when I was taking my medicine and when I wasn't taking my medicine - I was that different of a person. I have since stopped taking the medicine and don't feel like I need to take it anymore. I am happy when I should be happy, sad when I should be sad, I'm not irrational... but most of all, I feel right mentally and I honestly believe that medication has helped me get to where I am today.

Re. David and I doing things together: We used to do EVERYTHING together to the point where we had no external friendships. In my opinion, it is a healthy thing to have external relationships, it is healthy to have other people you can turn to, because Lord knows my husband doesn't want to hear every little detail of what is bothering me and I certainly wouldn't want to burden him with that. Just as I don't need to hear everything that flows through his head. I also think it's healthy to develop different interests - that way you can introduce the other person to those interests.

Re. some of the questions asked by PDM:
"Why did you feel, even a a child, that you had to be the one who made people happy?" - I was always the one that made people smile, I never wanted to see people unhappy. It's just been in my nature. My other siblings would tell my mother they hated her - I hated to see her cry after they told her that. I could never tell her that even if I felt it in the heat of the moment - I knew it wasn't true and I couldn't hurt her so badly. I never wanted to disappoint anyone, to the point where I was unhappy because it made my mother happy to see that I wore the clothes she picked out for me, did my hair the way she wanted it done, got the grades my parents wanted me to have. It made them happy and I guess in some aspect it made me happy to see them happy. That and as I grew older and I spoke up about things bothering me, it only caused fights, tension, anger - all things that would cause me to shut down and give in to what they wanted to make them happy - at the expense of my own happiness.

"What caused your world to crash? How did you come to lose your friends at such a young age?" My world crashed when who I thought had been my best friend (and other friends) for 6+ years told me she didn't want to hear my problems anymore. So I turned to the only other girl that I thought was my friend - she knew about my eating problems and ended up lying to her parents (who subsequently told my parents) about what we would do together: she said I was the only one going out drinking (which was not true, we were hanging out with college boys who drank in addition to her drinking) and that I was still making myself sick (which was not true). When I realized what happening, I got in the car and started driving west - wanting to run away. Ultimately, I turned the car around and went home. After being screamed at by my parents and realizing I had no friends left to turn to, I sunk into an even deeper depression. Then David came along.

"Did you enjoy college ~ without friends & without your boyfriend?" I think I enjoyed college. If I could go back through it, I might make more of an effort to make and keep more friends. I also probably would not date anyone. I think I was too young to get into such a serious relationship. Needless to say, based on the above, I think I would have enjoyed college more had I followed the comments above.

"How old were you when the drinking, cutting, etc, began?" I didn't start drinking until late in my senior year in high school - this was after my best friend told me she didn't want to hear about my problems anymore. I started my eating disorder before the end of my junior year. I also started cutting myself then - at first it was my belly, upper legs and arms. After that, since I was a lifeguard during the summer, I cut just my belly. This continued throughout my senior year - finally my freshman year in college, after a fight that David and I had, I took a knife and sliced very deeply - didn't get stiches, just patched it up with butterflies and wore long-sleeve shirts for a while. My parents have noticed the scar as it is on the arm that I got burned with boiling water when I was a child - they knew what that scar looked like - and this was fresh, red and out of place. I have not cut myself since then, although a couple of times I have taken pills in the hopes of not waking up. It has been several years since that though as well.

"How did your family react?" My family doesn't know about all the details of my friendship woes. The only portion they know about is my eating disorder as they are the ones that took me to a psychiatrist to get help.

"Did you tell your husband about it?" My husband knows about all of the above.

"How did your husband react?" My husband was sorry that the above happened to me. He now knows how I feel about college as well. He said he was afraid I would feel this way at some point but doesn't believe he's at all to blame for it - which I never blamed him anyway. This was something I should have realized at that point in my life, but didn't.

"Has all this affected the way that you behave, and have behaved, towards your husband, do you think?" I do believe that the above has affected the way I used to and currently behave with my husband. I should have had a different standpoint from the beginning - I should have know it's always a nice gesture to make people happy, but you also need to make yourself happy. Making others happy to the expense of your own happiness is not healthy, nor is it the way to live a life. I think, because I am now realizing this and feeling the pressure to continue to make him happy with where he wants to go in his life is impacting the way I feel about him - I think it has caused a rift - I think when I told him that I wanted to travel and I saw how negatively he reacted, it angered me and made me only want to do it more - like an immature child. I do want to travel though - and he does have the opportunity to meet up with me at the ends of my trips, but he says it's too expensive and he doesn't want to do it. He has also said that I can get to understand the business without having to travel - which is NOT true. I will not go into the details of my new job, except that I am an internal auditor of a manufacturing company. I was not hired into this position with the anticipation (by myself or the people that hired me) that I would always be in internal audit, I was hired in this position in hopes that I would move up within the company and possibly be a Controller at one of the many locations within the world. My husband knew this when I accepted the job - after I came back from my first trip and started talking about the possibilities, he got upset.

He says he wants children now - I do not (I do at some point, but not at the moment, especially now given the new opportunties with my job). I want to get out there, understand the new business that I'm in, do things I have always wanted to do, but never had the chance and once children are in the picture, those opportunities may disappear, especially with me being a woman.

"Why did the photos cause you problems?" It made me think of times when I was happy, but it reminds me of how much I've changed and how much I've realized since those days. Some of them also show me what lengths I was willing to go through in order to make him happy, sometimes even at the sacrifice of my own happiness.

"I get the impression that your husband has been your 'rock', but at a price. You seem to feel that you have to please him, just for being there for you. But marriage is a two-way thing. He must have got something out of it too. You want him to be happy, but does he want you to be happy?" He wants me to be happy and he's trying now that all of this has come up, but I have this feeling in the back of my mind that it's too late - it might be too late to build up his deposits in my "love bank" for him. (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html)

"You were both very young to marry, yet he is satisfied with his lot ~ even if it means hating his job and just sitting on the sofa, watching TV. You have always appeared to be content with this too. But it was an appearance, only. You were not content, but you wanted to do and say whatever made him happy ~ including agreeing to have children." This is quite on point with how I'm feeling looking back at things. And now that I think about it - I was crying the entire time during our wedding - was this something I should have paid attention to?

"You may be able to fall in love again and start afresh, or it might be time to make the break. Be sure ~ or as sure as you can be. Talk it over. Give it every chance. Talk to your counsellor. See how it goes." I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow to discuss these things. I think this blog has helped and I hope it continues to help me sort through things. Maybe one day I will feel for him the way I once did, but only time will tell. I know it hurts him to know I don't want to kiss him or hug him - but when I do, I feel nothing, almost as though I'm kissing a brother or just a friend. This has and will continue to be hard.

Thank you all for your input - it is greatly appreciated.
I hope that it works out as well as it can for both of you ~ but one more thing ~ about making people happy. I'm sure that this is what most of us want. Most people want to see their loved ones happy and hate to think that they might have upset them. I know that I feel this way. You are not unusual in this respect.

What, I suppose, is a little more unusual, but, again, not completely different from the way some others will react, is that your friends betrayed you and, when they did, you responded by punishing yourself.

I do wonder what problems you could have been talking about for six years, though, when you were quite a young girl. Maybe it was the depression that you mention, I can understand that. I suffered from teenage depression, myself. It was horrible.

You sound as if you have grown through most of it, which is great, and become more assertive and confidemts, which is also great, but which can put pressure on some marriages ~ as you have found.

Good luck! smile

The problems were depression - but I also had issues with my parents and siblings. I had always felt so much pressure from them - that coupled with the eating disorder spiraling out of control must have been too much for them. I don't quite understand it, but it is what it is and I have grown from it and I am more cautious about who I open up to because of what happened when I was younger.

I understand it's normal to want to make people happy and that's fine - I'm game with that... but when do you stop trying so hard to make other people happy in order to make yourself happy?

Maybe some of these things will be cleared up today when I go talk to my psychologist.
I have found this site in looking for some help myself and to be honest I find your situation eerily similar to mine... so I am hoping for a little advice from you. My problem is I can't have that initial conversation with my husband... I have tried ... I either can't spit it out (that never ending need to keep the peace) or I do start and he seems to talk over me and before I know it we are done with the conversation. Any advice on where to start? the same thing applies - I just don't want to hurt him but I do desperately want to be happier than we are right now.
Hello Just Breath & welcome smile.

Since your situation is similar to that of MW1, you may benefit from this thread, but it would be a good idea to have one of your own, so I shall start one for you. smile
Talked to the psychologist yesterday - she said it sounded as though I had pretty much gone through all the thoughts on my mind regarding my husband and I. I asked her for a marriage counselor and she indicated to me that she didn't think that I needed one - it appeared as though I was ready to take the next step - legal separation. I got the number for a marriage counselor any way because my husband wants us to go to one - and I believe it might help me to better shed some light on the situation to my husband. We have our first appointment in just under two weeks.

I have been trying to spend some time apart from my husband so I can sort through some things in my mind - so yesterday after work I went directly to the gym, then from there to my parents house for dinner. I got back from my parents house at around 11PM only to start fighting with my husband yet again. This fight eventually turned into a discussion on the splitting of assets if a separation and divorce were to ultimately come to fruition. This discussion was very calm and logical: re who gets the house, furniture, rugs, boat, dog, etc. At the end of the conversation things switched to another gear - we talked about how we were best friends and how difficult this was going to be on the both of us and we both started crying. I was going to sleep separately from my husband, but he came downstairs and asked me to come up and sleep in bed with him as a friend, simply because he knew the days were limited and he wanted to get in as many as he could. Just writing this has made me start to cry.

Today has been a very different day. We have talked a couple of times, but only has friends would talk. Not once have the words "I love you" passed through either of our mouths. David finally told me that he felt sorry for me because of what I was going through - not only with how things are between us - because he knows I feel lower than low about what is going on between us, but also with what I'm dealing with regarding my dying grandmother, my little sister getting married, my parents breaking down, etc. This caught me by surprise.

Now I have new thoughts crossing through my head - I'm scared. If what I think will happen happens, this will be the first time I have ever been on my own - and I don't know how to be alone. I will have to get an apartment (even though my parents tell me I can come and live with them - I don't think that's the best idea and I will need to figure things out for myself), I will have nothing... I will have to start over.

I can't stop crying. Why am I crying??? Through all of this, this is the first time I've cried when I'm writing/thinking about this (excluding the cry last night - but that was the start of it). Is it truly sinking in that the past 11 years of my life with David will only be a memory, including all the good and bad times we've shared? How could it have gotten to this point - I can't believe it got to this point.

All this and my engagement band was finally fixed yesterday - David showed me how they'd fixed it and polished it - it looked just like the day I first set eyes on it - when David proposed. The only difference this time is that it stayed in the box.... and there were no tears of joy, or kissing or hugging.
Originally Posted By: MW1
..... I can't stop crying. Why am I crying??? ....

Because you are grieving.
This is a natural and normal reaction to such events.
I think that it is quite wonderful that you and your husband are 'friends' at this difficult time.
I have submitted a request for an apartment. Move in date of April 10th. And so the separation begins.
I hope that all will go well for you and that you will work out what is right for you.

Good luck smile
It's always scary to start a new stage of life. It is OK to be afraid. Gather up friends and family around you and build a support network. That is going to be key.
I have told my husband why I think doing a trial separation is important - it will give me time to think and assess how I truly feel about the relationship because I believe living in the same house with him doesn't really give me that space and time I need to figure things out. Does this make sense? He seems to agree.

So here's a question - what do I do when I move into the apartment? We aren't filing for legal separation - we're doing a trial one. Do I move out my things from the house? Obviously I'll have to move out a bed and my clothes, but what about the office furniture and the rugs that he's said I could keep. What about dishes and cookware?
Hi MW1 smile
You should do whatever seems right for both of you.

However, as this is a trial separation, my gut feeling is to take everything that you might need and just put away the things that you won't need.

If you move out and take your things, then you won't have any of his things around you, but for him, if he stays there, and you leave your things, then they will always be around him. It seems fairer that he doesn't have to deal with this to a great degree.

On the other hand, if you just take everything with you, then that might seem a bit too final for a 'trial'.

But you will need to talk this over together and make your decision based on what feels right for you.
I've decided to post some emails my husband and I have sent to one another recently. One from him after we got off the phone with one another. He has asked me if I would like to eat dinner at his parents house this evening - I asked him if he was going to tell his parents about us having some issues - because he said he was going to this weekend after we talked about a trial separation. He said no, he wasn't planning to. I don't know if I should go to dinner at his parents house or not - I keep finding excuses - I want to go to the gym, I have to wake up early tomorrow because I have to be into work early. Then I think to myself I could just drive separately and go over there for dinner then leave immediately after that - again with the excuse that I have to wake up early. Background provided - here is the email he sent to me: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've got a real issue with the way you've been treating me. I'd just assume you stop calling and talking to me if this way you intend on treating me. When we talk, you treat me with apathy and resentment with anything I do. I hate that you keep a romantic distance from me but I can handle it while you sort these thoughts in your head but if I'm your "best friend" like you say, you need to start treating me that way and stop taking advantage of me being there. I don't know of a friend that treats another friend the way you're treating me let alone a "best friend." The only time you are sweet and nice to me is first thing in the morning. I'm not sorry that I won't tell my parents yet. I'm doing ok at processing my emotions. I'm keeping a positive attitude and I'm coming to terms with the situation. I don't need to let everyone know that this aspect of my life sucks right now. I also don't want to poison the waters with anyone you have a relationship with just in case you do decide that you need and want me. I know you are going through a difficult time but please keep in mind that you aren't the only one. I still think the rejection that I'm facing is a little bit more difficult to handle than your indecision. A little kindness from you would go a long way towards a reconciliation because if this same pattern continues, I think it would be better for you to move on and leave me alone. Don't forget that you've been the one calling me. I haven't called you so you can have some space. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here is the email I was in the process of writing him - the first two paragraphs were written prior to receiving the email. All subsequent paragraphs were written after reading his email to me: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was getting ready to send you an email. David - You wanted to know what you did to make me angry - I'll tell you. I thought we had discussed on Sunday the possibility of us doing a trial separation - but it seems to me that you've now just completely ignored that conversation as you've decided you don't need to tell your parents about anything that's going on because you're afraid it might put me in a bad light. That might be the case with what happened when you told Brandon about me - but to be honest Brandon acted like a friend should act - he's sticking up for you and putting me down to make you feel better. Your parents, I think, would react differently - they would be supportive of you but not put me down in the process. I think that it's important to turn to your friends and family during these tough times - they will be your support system, which, I believe, you will need. Maybe when we talk to the marriage counselor next week some things will get cleared up and they will be able to help us better determine what to do. You may be trying to give me some alone time to think about things, but at the end of the day we're still going to see each other, we're still eating dinner together, we're still sleeping in the same bed/house (depending on where we might choose to sleep at night) - we are not allowing that space and time to think about things and if you can't tell this is frustrating to me because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with my thoughts. I know you know where you stand - that you love me but you're in limbo right now because I am the one ultimately deciding what the course of action will be. I have been waiting on the apartment because I want to hear from the counselor - in the mean time I don't know what the hell to do. In the mean time, while I've been thinking about the apartment, I wonder what the heck I'm going to be doing with our furniture - suggestions I have gotten from my online posts is that I should remove things that would remind you of me because I'll be moving out and will not be surrounded by anything that reminds me of you - as the purpose of a trial separation is to give yourself time to reflect. I have just now realized that you haven’t been calling me – I didn’t notice it until you pointed it out in the email below. I know I’m not the only one going through a difficult time right now and I’m sure it’s more difficult on you because you’re the one left with the feeling of rejection and you’re the one left just waiting around for me to go ahead and make up my mind or figure out at least what my mind is thinking. This is difficult – I don’t know what to do, where to go or how to handle things. I think I end up getting angry and mean with you because maybe in the back of my mind I’m hoping if I do decide the way you don’t want me to decide, that it will be easier on you because you’ll hate me and want to get away from me. I’m having trouble preventing this from impacting my work because it is on the forefront of my mind. After work I come home and I’m left with more thinking to do. My only release has been to go to the gym in the afternoon and kicking myself in the butt there. My parents are now calling me all the time asking me about how I’m doing or how the night before was or whatever – I wish they would just stop asking and let me try to figure out what the hell is going on with my life!! I don’t need to hear the fact that mom thought about divorcing dad after they were together for 7 years because he was working too much, she thought he was cheating on her, etc. etc. I don’t need to hear the fact that grandmom and poppop have gone through thoughts of this as well – I don’t need to hear other people’s stories – I need to focus on my own and where that’s headed! I don’t need people trying to influence my decision one way or another – I’m an adult and should ultimately make the decision that is best for me in the long run and right now I don’t know what that decision will be. I’m confused. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for the impact this is having on you – I’m sorry I’ve been angry and mean – there’s no excuse. All I feel right now is confusion and frustration. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Any insight/input would be greatly appreciated!
You are being honest.
I'm not sure what else you can do.

By the way, I'm not sure that it is ok for you to post his e-mail word for word ~ if only on the grounds of copyright.

Re parents, etc, people do seem to want to give advice and tell their stories, rather than leave you alone to sort yourself out. Partly this is because they care and want to 'keep an eye on' you; partly, it's just the way people are.

You say that you need time and space to sort yourself out. You have told your husband this; have you told your friends and family? Is that what you want from them ~ time and space?

This is a big step that you are taking and your husband sounds like a decent person, so I can really understand that you don't want to hurt him and that you do want to be sure what to do, as far as the future of your relationship goes smile
Thanks PDM - Good thing I didnt put all of it in there - just what I thought was applicable. Good to know for the future though. Hope this doesn't cause any issues.
I do think that I've made a decision on what I would like to do - despite this making my husband unhappy. I don't see myself being happy until I can actually get out of the house into an apartment by myself to think about things and assess the situation I'm currently going through. We have our first marriage counseling appointment next Tuesday - I feel like I have to wait a week to tell him these things because of the pain and the anger it will cause him. Do I tell him now?

I plan to get a separate place but to continue the marriage counseling - at least weekly if at all possible. I think living alone and doing the counseling will help me to figure out some things in my head - sort through things.

I really want to do this.
I think that the marriage counselling is a good idea, despite what your counsellor said. It means that you are doing all that you can to save the marriage and not just walking out on it without giving it a chance.

You may even find that, once you have looked at everything objectively, you will surprise yourself ~ yorselves ~ and be able to make it work, with new rules in place, etc smile
We shall see what the future has to hold - appointment is next Tuesday...
Good luck smile
Not to jump in, I just have been reading for a while and found your story/account moving.

Just wanted to wish you good luck along with the other posters. smile My best wishes to you!
So I don't think when I talked to David last weekend about wanting to do a trial separation that it really sunk in to David and to me (!!). The more I thought about it this week and the angrier I got whenever David was around, even though he'd been putting in an effort to "disappear" from the house so I would have time to think about things - the second he would get home I would immediately start snapping at him and I was angry and unhappy. He kept asking me why I was getting angry at him all the time because he wanted to know what he was doing to cause my anger so he could fix it - I told him I didn't know... finally yesterday I figured it out. I was angry just because he was there and because I wanted to be alone. I told him that I needed to get an apartment to start the trial separation. He asked me how long - I told him I didn't know - so now the challenge is going to be finding a place with a short term lease option available. I've looked into hiring a moving crew to help me move out over a weekend after I have found an apartment.

All this makes me nervous and scared, which I'm sure is normal because this is a life-changing thing that I'm going through. I know this is probably a repeat of what I've said before, but as more time passes I start thinking about things, and wondering if I'm making the right decision, etc.

I talked very frankly with David last night. He asked me if I just didn't want to be married or if I didn't want to be married to him. I told him I just didn't want to be married... and I wasn't sure if I ever would want to be again. I told him that this has been hard on me because I keep reverting back to not wanting to hurt him and I forget about my feelings and making the best decision for me - that's something I constantly have to keep telling myself... to remember me. The crazy thing is that David knows I've been doing this too - and he's playing into it, which is very frustrating for me and all the more reason I need the trial separation.

Just wanted to let you all know where things stand as I'm beginning to see this is no simple decision that can be made over the course of a couple of weeks. It's now been over a month.... and I still feel like some things are up in the air.
No, this was never going to be simple. It was always going to be a huge deal.
Take care smile
Breaking apart from someone you were joined to is incredibly difficult. There are epic novels written on the topic. It is not going to be easy. But sometimes you have to go through a really challenging change to realize your goals and dreams. I hope the mediator can help you figure these things out, so you can determine what you want out of life and then map out a plan.
Thank you all for your suggestions, best wishes and words of encouragement.

It will be challenging to try and keep somewhat of a positive outlook on this as I go through it, but in the end I know at least I would have put in the time and the effort to figure out what's best for me, which may or may not include my husband, in the future.
MW1 - I would like to offer a word of warning. After you move into your own place, after you stop hurting you may feel like you were wrong and don't need to leave. Please be sure this is the decision you want to make, and not a matter of not hurting anymore.

After I had separated from my first husband, after I stopped hurting, I told my therapist that I felt that I could have made it work if I had stayed. She said anytime I felt that way to please come in and she would play the tapes from our first session so I could remember what kind of pain I was in.

Good luck, you are starting on a scary, exciting adventure.
Thank you BLR - I find myself continually telling myself that I need to make sure I make and will continue to make these decisions for myself and not for other people in my life (i.e. my husband, my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, David's parents, etc.). I know this will be quiet a challenge for me because for so long I feel like I have made decisions only to make others happy or to keep them from being unhappy with me or the situation. I think I saw it as, when I've made them happy, then I can begin to be happy. However, I feel as though this "happiness" that I felt was not true happiness all the time - it was happiness that I had pleased someone else. Hopefully this is not too confusing - I used a lot of "happy". Haha.
MW1 this is absolutely NOT confusing. I know exactly you are coming from. I have said before that I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to please my parents, the second 19 years trying to please my spouse and my parents.

I had done this for so long that the real me was so lost I had quite a hard time finding myself. BUT once I did, you cannot believe how much I enjoyed be me and I have continued to enjoy being me.

I also want to tell you something else. I used to go around picking up every piece of GUILT that was laying around for the taking. I finally got to the point that I would look very closely at the guilt to determine if it was mine or not before I picked it up and put it in my guilt basket. Then I got to the point that I could actually take pieces of guilt and thow them back on the floor.

I still fight the inclination to pick up any piece of guilt laying around but I am so much better at just walking by and not picking it up.

SO, please stop and think if the guilt is yours before you put it in your guilt basket.
Yes I remember reading one of your previous posts and I felt as though I could possibly relate with you the best as it sounds as though you and I are rather similar (or I am where you were :)).

I had never thought about the picking up guilt just laying around for the taking - I might do that - but I feel like what I really do is try to carry the burden of pain for individuals in my family. I am always the person people call, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when you start to hear everyone else's problems and you never unload your own it's pretty easy to feel bogged down. And the reason I don't unload my own problems is because then I worry about them feeling bad and having to be involved with and deal with my issues - when they're mine and I should be the one responsible for working through them and figuring them out. Take for example, what's going on with me and my husband. I have told my parents and both my mother and my father were calling me up to find out how I was doing at least a couple of times a day, in addition to telling me what I should be thinking about and how they've gone through all that before, blah blah blah blah blah. And then I hear from my mother how stressed out she is about everything and I've added to that stress - so this ends up making me feel bad for even telling her. She also told my younger sister, who in turn asked me about David and I. I told her a cursory overview of where things stood (note this discussion with my little sister was approximately 3 weeks ago). We got together last weekend for some little girl time and I told her some more details - what does she start doing? She starts to cry and starts freaking out about my husband being in the wedding (because she had asked him to be an usher) - so I immediately switch from trying to find someone to bond with to someone trying to ease the crying bride - focus switches to her and to myself I say, as it should be - I don't want to wreck her wedding - I told her not to worry that we would be there and that we were never thinking of not going, etc. etc. and that everything would be fine for the wedding. That was the last time we talked about it - we then went on to discuss her house, what she wants to buy the bridesmaids, what's on her registry and how she needs to add more, blah blah blah again. I'll just keep quiet and listen and provide feedback where she desires it. ugh. whistle

I am dealing with things with my husband right now (trial separation, me having an apartment and trying to figure out how the heck that's going to work, me trying to tell David that it's not that I don't want to have kids with him or that I don't want to be married to him, it's just that I don't know if and when I want kids and if and when I want to be married (again), etc.), my grandmother being in Stage 4 cancer (although with her new medicines she is sounding much better!!! so that's a positive), my siblings and parents calling me and crying to me about my grandmother (among other things), my parents and their suffering business given the tough economic times and how they don't know if they're going to make it through and what are they going to do if they don't, my little sister and her wedding planning, my older sister and her not getting along with my siblings and parents - it's just a lot to deal with. I've been trying to deal with it the best I could - I've been working out at the gym an hour and a half to two hours a day, been staying busy at work and at home (i.e. cooking meals, doing laundry, working on work at home, etc.) - but I feel at times like I'm starting to break down - crying because there's no other way my body knows to deal with things as well as boxing myself off from people. I think this breaking down is normal - it's just getting very difficult to remember what should be on the forefront of my mind - that being to figure out what's going on with my marriage and myself!! Oh, and my grandmother and my little sisters wedding....... confused
It does sound like you're dealing with QUITE a lot so be patient with yourself. It's going to be hard. That is OK. You'll have troubles and doubts. That's OK. Focus on one day at a time. Try to work in "you" time - time to just sit, time to take a long, hot bath. Time to meditate. Time to go for a walk. You need that time right now.
So we went to our first marriage counseling session yesterday - I didn't find it to be at all helpful - maybe because my husband and I have already talked about these things? My husband's eyes started to water - and what do I do? I start to laugh because it makes me nervous and that's how I respond to things when I'm nervous. Way to go! High five for insensitivity on that one!! eek

Maybe after we have our individual sessions next week and then meet up again for another joint session the following week, I will start to feel like I'm getting something out of it... because right now I feel like I've just wasted $50 in co-pay for one session - $200 after 4. mad

My husband said he liked her, which is good I guess, but I seemed to be the one under fire with all the questions being asked of me. I guess this makes sense though because I'm the one that's questioning whether or not I'm in love with him anymore.

Today is his birthday - I've bought him a nice present, I'm taking him out to eat and I've bought him an ice cream cake to help celebrate. Let's hope for one night we don't discuss how crappy things are going with our personal lives and we just enjoy the night to enjoy it. Let's also hope that I don't get irritated with him - If I feel like I might start to I'm going to have to think about something else because tonight should be his night and I don't want to ruin it for him. I have a lot I need to take care of at home when I get home, but I'd really like to run to the gym for a quick workout so I can get rid of some of this stress....
You seem to be doing your best & trying your hardest to do things right and no-one can do more than their best smile
It seems pretty clear that you're a very selfless person. Especially in the way that through all of this, you still want to give your husband a special day for his birthday. You're an intelligent person, and a selfless one, and seem to be really trying to go through all the options that are available. I think you should keep that in mind when the feelings of guilt come around! It helps to be retrospective. Although you may not have a tape of previous sessions, like BLR said, but you do have the posts here! I know they help me when I have questions about my movement towards Atheism. I would go back and read them sometimes, it might help you too, to see the broad spectrum of thoughts you've had.
MW1 - I would not judge the session just by the first one. That is always the rough one, as you get used to the person, and the room, and the situation. This is a process. We know it is not an easy process, and it will take time! Give yourself permission to go slow, to let things unfold at their own pace. You can't rush it. Invest yourself into the upcoming sessions, I know that they have a chance of helping you out.
So - I had my first individual session with the marriage counselor yesterday - we talked about various things, ranging from the details of my apartment (which I have and have moved some things into, just no furniture yet - that will have to come maybe this weekend or the following - don't know yet as this weekend is my little sisters bachelorette party and next weekend is her wedding) to the details of how the trial separation would work (dating vs. not dating him, others, etc.) to my parents relationship and my husband's parents relationship to what I thought were some strengths of my marriage to my husband. This last question threw me for a whirl because she wanted a response other than "we're best friends." I could barely answer it - the only things I said were we got along well with one anothers family members. I guess that's a strength? but I don't know what other types of strengths there can be in a marriage.... and I've been thinking about it, but I just don't know and nothing really comes to mind.

Let's see what else we talked about - we talked about how long I had the apartment for - I told her I got a 6 month lease with the mind-set that one way or the other it's a good investment because if my husband and I do end up staying together than the 6 months of rent I'm paying were worth it to save the marriage, and if we don't stay together than the 6 months of rent were worth it to help me figure out what will make me happiest in the long run.

My husband also had his first individual session yesterday - the details of which he did not spare me - he told me everything. He said he talked about me most of the time - how probably the reason I'm so career oriented is because I get a sense of pleasure in knowing that I'm doing a good job and succeeding at work - something I never really got much of from my parents when I was growing up. They also talked about my parents relationship and how vocal they are vs. his parents relationship and how they rarely fight and yell at his household. Hearing this, although it's true, irritates me because I feel like he's bashing my family in a way. Could just be the "you can't talk bad about my family unless I start talking bad about them, then you can join in" thing.... She apparently asked my husband if he would take me back after the trial separation - to which he said yes, but he'd be wary because he'd be concerned that I was just coming back to him as a friend instead of as someone who truly was in love with him... and even though that might be what he wants - for me to be with him - he knows it would be unfair to me because I wouldn't be happy. He talked about how he wouldn't want to be friends with me if we ended up getting separated/divorced. He said they would discuss the terms of the trial separation next week when we meet up with her again as a couple. and he just went on and on about what they talked about. Maybe he felt better talking about it to me - I don't know. All I know is when I got to a therapist, be it for marriage or just my other therapist for myself, I don't really feel the need or desire to talk to him about it - because to me that's the purpose of going to them.

Anyway - I'm anxious about moving into the apartment. I want to do it now because I'm getting so angry with my husband over just him being there. The Marriage counselor said i'd probably feel really lonely - but when I think about that, it's what I want - I want to be alone - with just myself and no one else (besides my family) to worry about and take care of.
Originally Posted By: MW1
... what I thought were some strengths of my marriage to my husband. This last question threw me for a whirl because she wanted a response other than "we're best friends." I could barely answer it - the only things I said were we got along well with one anothers family members....

Does he make you laugh?
Do you feel that you can completely trust him?
Do you like the same music / films / hobbies/ places /foods?
Do you actually like each other?

I'm guessing that these might be some of the thingsthat she might have been looking for.
What do you think?
Originally Posted By: PDM
Does he make you laugh?
Do you feel that you can completely trust him?
Do you like the same music / films / hobbies/ places /foods?
Do you actually like each other?


He makes me laugh sometimes, but with how things have been lately I rarely find myself happy... not only around him, but pretty much all the time. I feel like I'm beginning to slip into a depression all over again and I can't seem to get myself out of it. I have been going to the gym and that's helped me feel a little better - but for the most part I feel sad.

I can trust him - he's always been an honest person.

We like some of the same things - but I just don't know - I don't enjoy the time we spend together when we do things together - all we talk about is my apartment and me moving out - and then I start to think about all the expenses I've got coming up - like paying for movers, getting furniture that I need (the basics - tables, chairs, etc.) and the other things I need (silverware, pots, pans, plates, cups, etc.). That just weighs on my mind - and then I'm thinking about my little sister getting married this upcoming weekend - and I know I can't talk to anyone in my family about what's going on right now (i.e. me moving out of the apartment to a house) because they don't need to be dealing with that especially the week before the wedding. In general, I guess I feel alone because I'm lying to my parents about where things are with my husband and I, I'm just a big fake person putting on a good face for everyone else and I'm tired of it and it's wearing me out. He asks me if during the trial separation I decide that because he's my best friend, that I want to stay with him because that's just easier than starting over. I told him I don't think that'd be a good idea - that I would be concerned about this coming up again later on down the road and by then we could have kids, etc. etc. Ugh.

He likes me - I like him. Only problem is that liking coming from my end isn't always there - and it's been more prevalent recently. I told my husband that I just wish he hated me because then it would make things so much easier.

I've been talking to my husband about the apartment - which is weird. He's been asking me questions about it and I've been telling him. I'm getting movers to come to my house on Friday to help me move some furniture. I'm torn with what to take - thinking I'll leave all the office furniture except for the sofa in there. I'll be taking the card-board table as my kitchen table. I'll take some furniture upstairs, but then I'm leaving everything else. I think I might start packing up some boxes this week - but I'm afraid I won't be able to do that with my husband around. He made it very clear to me that he didn't want to be around when I was moving things out - and technically packing boxes is moving things out - or at least prepping to move things out.

I'm just tired and frustrated with how nothing seems to be moving forward. I hate being stagnant - I want to start going somewhere.
This is bound to be a very, very difficult time for both of you.
ok - new update.

We had another meeting with the counselor yesterday - this was a couples meeting. Started off fine - I told her I had an apartment, that I was getting movers to help me out on Friday to move furniture into the apartment - figure I'll take care of all the little things - trying to reduce the amount of hours they charge me for, etc. Then we got into the Trial Separation agreement: bills, talking, dating, etc.

My husband and I have already figured out the bills - since he'll be at the house he'll take care of water, electricty, gas, television, phone, etc. since he'll be using it. I'll take care of cell phone and gym - but he'll reimburse me for the portions of those bills that are solely related to him. My name is on those two bills so it's just easiest for me to take care of it. I'll also take care of the second mortgage payment - to continue contributing to the equity of the house. Our joint checking account will remain untouched unless repairs need to be made to the house, when we need to pay for the marriage counseling sessions and any other joint expenses (say when we do our "dates"). Glad we have the finance part taken care of.

As for the talking and dating part we said we'd try to do a date a week. Iniated by an email and then a phone call to confirm. We also won't be calling each other during the day - which will be hard for me because whenever I pick up the phone I immediately think about calling him because i've been doing it for so long. So for his birthday I bought him five baseball game tickets (pairs) and I suggested we do that as one of our weekly date ideas - unless he decides to take someone else, in which case the date will move to another night or just not happen that week. We'll see how this works out.

The issue that got us a little riled up was the issue of the house key - I want to hold onto it because I am not taking all of my belongings (i.e. a huge chest full of sweaters). In addition, I might find that I forgot to pack something in the hussle of trying to get everything out of the house this Friday before my little sisters rehearsal at 5PM. Then since I won't be fully moving out on that day - not fully doing it until Sunday - I'm just concerned that I'll forget something. I made it very clear to my husband that I wouldn't be just "stopping by" uninvited to get a few things. I told him that I would call first, leave a message if he wasn't there and then try to set up a time that would be convenient for him for me to stop by to get something. In the case of it being an emergency and he's not there - I would stop by but leave a message/note telling him why I had to come and what I took. I do understand his side of the discussion because he won't have access to my apartment - my own little space - but I would have access to his space. I told him that I was still paying for a portion of the house, so I felt like I should still at least have a key to get in without having to go through hurdles to do so. I also told him that if I had my own key and I asked him if it was alright for me to stop by and grab a few things that he wouldn't have to be there and see me if he didn't want to. confused Anyway - that's a discussion we will need to continue with and figure out at some point, which I'm sure we will.

The aggrivation with him being around is still there - take for example last night. We had our meeting from 5 to 6. I went to the gym and got home around 8:15. Fixed my dinner, my husband fixed his as well. Husband said he was going to go to the gym later because he didn't want to be there when I was there. I finish with my dinner around 8:45 or so - he finishes with his around 9:30 - then says he needs to wait at least 45 minutes before going to the gym - why he doesn't go right after work and just not talk to me when we're at the gym, I don't know - said he's going later to leave me alone. Then he decides not to go to the gym and decides he wants to continue hanging out with me watching tv - I get irritated and tell him that I'm starting to get frustrated with him - I think it's the fact that he says he's going to do something, then doesn't do it that irritates me because I was looking for a little time alone. Same thing is hapening tonight - he was supposed to go to a baseball game with his parents and I was supposed to stay at home (thinking to myself, this'll be great - I can start to put some things into boxes earlier rather than trying to get it all done on Friday), then he says he's decided he's not goign to do it anymore. mad Is he purposefully doing this to me??????? He's already told me he continues to ask questions about the apartment because he wants to know the information, but also because he knows it irritates me (I feel awkward talking to him about moving out and preparations, etc.). I imagine packing things up will be difficult for me - I've already had a couple of mornings just thinking about the process of packing up and leaving and it leaves me feeling almost depressed but I know moving out is something I need to do - to help find myself and figure out my life and expectations for myself.

So - move out date scheduled for Friday, April 23rd - official body move out date scheduled for Sunday, April 25th. Then I go out of town for work that Monday the 26th. At least that'll give me a week to try and get the rest of my expenses in order (internet and tv are really all i have left - already have power set up because I had to do that when I signed the lease and already have renters insurance because that was required on lease date - need to follow-up with the people about water - trash I take care of myself).

We said we'd take it month-to-month, but I have a feeling it's going to start out first as a two month thing because being away for a month doesn't really seem like enough time to "discover oneself." Counselor suggested keeping a journal to write down thoughts - think this is a good idea and it will start on move-in day. I think this forum has been helping out and acting somewhat as "journal" for me.

Sorry this was so long.
Movers are here. So many emotions are flowing through me right now - tears because I'm sad, scared, afraid I'm making a big mistake. Keep reminding myself this isn't permanent if I don't want it to be. I hope this turns out for the better one way or the other.

Now how do I tell my parents and siblings?
Quote:
I think this forum has been helping out and acting somewhat as "journal" for me.

Sorry this was so long.


I think it's great that you find the forums to helpful. I'm sure many others read with concern but just don't know what to say. I'm one of those. Don't apologize for long posts!

I hope your moving today goes alright. I can see it's already going pretty hard, but like you said, this is all in your hands. You're not out of control here. The best thing to do is really to just take it step by step.

I have a cousin going through a separation right now. She just got to the point of telling her family and said it was exhausting. It's best to take it piece by piece. I think if you make plans to tell them this way or that way, it'll be too much. Let the doors open when they open and then step into it. Planning conversations may put too much anxiety upon you.

Just some thoughts. All in all, my thoughts are with you. Things will get better I'm sure.
Yes, MW1, you are in control. The trial is about finding out what is right and best for both you and your husband. It's amicable. That's good. I just hope that you both find contentment, after all of this upheaval. Good luck & take care smile
This is never going to be easy, so it's OK that it's hard. Accept that it's going to be hard and you'll be confused. Give yourself permission to be confused and upset. Just take it day by day.
Taking it day by day. Thanks to all for being supportive.

Slept in the apartment for the first time last night - it was very hard leaving my husband at home to go to the apartment. But I had to do it - traveling this week for work and all the clothes and suitcase were at the apartment. Again, very hard because it's such a big move - I cried the entire time I was leaving. Kept giving my husband hugs and telling him that I was sorry.

Now I've got to figure out how frequently we're "allowed" to talk to one another.

Have a feeling this upcoming weekend will be a doozy because it'll be the first weekend "alone" in the apartment. This past weekend wasn't so bad because it was my little sister's wedding - rehearsal dinner Friday night, wedding Saturday night, brunch Sunday morning. The only really hard part was leaving Sunday night.

Originally Posted By: Niki
I'm sure many others read with concern but just don't know what to say. I'm one of those.


I hope that those reading along and possibly going through my same or similar situation will not feel so alone - knowing that I, too, am also going through it.
So this was the first week I spent in the apartment (even though most of it was spent out of town for work). The one thing I'm having a lot of trouble with is not talking with my husband. I'm not talking to him nearly as much as I used to, but I have a feeling talking to him every day isn't really helping me to "figure things out" - it's also not very fair to him I would imagine. We talked last night and said that we need to come up with a schedule as to when and how often we can talk to one another - He suggested every 2 to 3 days, but in our marriage counseling we had said once a week. I just don't know what to do and how to handle this thing. Do I cut contact except for the emails and then the call when we're trying to plan our "date" or do we do the every the every couple of days thing?

How long should the trial last - at a minimum?? I got the apartment and started paying for it back on April 10 but I didn't move in until April 25 - do I say at least a month? at least two months? see how I feel after a month and re-assess whether or not I should continue? We shall see....

We're also supposed to have a "date" this weekend and I told him that I thought I had something going on with some friends, but I wasn't sure what day but that I'd get back with him... he mentioned going to the farmer's market on Saturday morning, but I have things I need to take care of for the apartment - like internet and cable and I sort of wanted to get that in order in addition to getting things put away in the apartment. I do want to see him and have our "date" - but he's already suggested we not do one this weekend - maybe that's what he wants??

He says he thinks I've already got my mind made up because I usually call him when I'm upset about something. Then he asked who the first person was that I wanted to see at the end of the day and I said I didn't know. He thought I was going to say him - and to be honest I don't know if I even want to see anyone when I get home from work - I haven't been working and going home to my apartment at all - today will be the first day!! (since I've been out of town - working late, then going immediately to dinner - and I don't really feel like a hotel room can compare because you're going "home" to no one regardless). And it hasn't even been a week - I need time and I don't need someone telling me what they think I already know.

He's also been telling me that he loves me and then he gets upset when I don't say it back - I tell him that I do care about him and I love him in a different way than say I love my parents - but I don't know what that necessarily means. When I don't say it back I can hear his voice drop and then I feel horrible for not saying it - but I personally don't think I should be saying it if I'm trying to figure things out and make sure I'm making the right decision.

I'm torn, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I'm stressed. But I'm not crying!! So that's a positive!
Doing a little better with the not talking on the phone thing - we've emailed one another about getting together tonight (he's making a dinner and I was going to go over there) - but I didn't talk to him at all yesterday. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be because I kept myself busy - I went to the gym for about 2 hours, made a Greek Chicken Stew, finished up a movie that I was watching the night before, then climbed into bed and started reading a book. Tonight I will be going over there around 7:30, but don't plan on staying for too long as we're having to get together again this Saturday around 3 or 4 to drive up to Washington, DC for a Washington Nationals game on Sunday (we're spending the night at my sister's house Saturday night). That should be interesting - but over the past couple of months when we had to sleep in the same bed together we didn't really touch at all - not that I'm worried that will happen as we're not doing "that"... It'll just be weird and I wonder if it will set me back in my quest to "figure things out". confused

It hasn't really been that bad in the apartment though - I've actually enjoyed it some and I'm getting TV and the internet service today - so that should give me something else to do - I just find myself staying busy - either doing laundry, cooking, picking up, packing up winter clothes, learning my third language, working out, reading, etc. It's actually nice... but then this makes me wonder where things will go from here - will I actually choose to be single? and if I choose that, will it be what I truly want?

I have still told no one in my family that I have moved out - this is getting to be rather tricky and I'm thinking that my mother is catching on (i.e. she was trying to get in touch with me last night - called the home line a couple of times - I ended up telling her - this wasn't a lie - that I was at the gym until late; she also called the home line on Sunday and my husband told her I was out running errands... which I was getting ready to do, but when she called I was in my apartment). My concern is that they will just "stop by" for a visit and find that all of my basic items are missing. I guess if that happens I'll have no choice but to tell them what's going on. eek

The reason I haven't and don't want to tell them what's going on is because I don't need to introduce my drama into their lives. My mother and older sister are fighting about money, my older sister and my father aren't talking and they're talking about writing her out of their will, my little sister just got married, my brother is building a house trying to get out of my parents house because he, his wife and child need a place of their own, my grandmother is still going through her illness (which this reminds me I need to call and talk to her), my older sister is dealing with trying to get pregnant again and having troubles yet again, my parents are super busy with all their work - they don't need one other thing to think and worry about. It won't make their lives any easier... so I'm keeping it to myself.

My husband hasn't told anyone either - other than the one friend who I now believe HATES MY GUTS and WISHES ME TO HELL. I have reason to believe this because of what my husband has said he's said about me after he told him what was going on between us.

Let's move on from all that - we had a "date" this weekend. Not my ideal date during the day - the husband was out and got WASTED the night before (was out til 4am) with the buddy and his fiance (fyi - this is the buddy that HATES me). He got invited to their parents house - who have a pool. He calls me up at 4AM - drunk - saying that we're invited and we should go. This makes me extremely uncomfortable because I know how this guy feels about me and I tell my husband that I really don't want to - he continues to beg me and I cave. Awkward. blush Don't really talk to them that much - spend most of the time either eating, laying out or swimming in the pool - good way to spend the afternoon without making it completely obvious how uncomfortable I am. We get there around 2PM and leave about 6PM. Husband is happy because I went and he had a good time hanging out with him. I leave to go back to my apartment to shower and clean up because we're going out to dinner later that night for pizza. Dinner went well - we end the night watching an old movie and I leave before falling asleep on the sofa. Other than the 4 hours of awkwardness - the night wasn't bad. It was nice to have a break in between so I could collect and prepare myself for the rest of the evening - which ended up being rather nice.

Again - still wondering if all this interaction will do me any good or if it will just hurt the situation and my goal.
You seem to be coping well. It's bound to feel strange, but you should eventually be able to work out the path that is for you smile
It does look like you're doing well. I think all the questions and second-guessing is part of your "figuring out." smile All your answers are inside of you, you just need to find what they are and except them. That's what I think at least!!

I wonder if your family should know?? I mean, it might make it harder for you, especially if they start throwing in their own opinions. It might confuse your thoughts, maybe?

Anyway, I hope things continue to go well and you find answers to many of your questions!
I am extremely hurt. I have told my two sisters about problems my husband and I have been having. I told my younger a few weeks ago and was later told by my husband that she was "pissed off at me for what I was doing." Given this response, I thought it best to wait to tell my older sister, whom I have always considered one of my best friends.

I told her this past Thursday and we ended up getting into an argument - she told me I was being selfish, immature, that I was blaming everyone else for my unhappiness, that I needed to be happy with myself, that I need to make a decision soon because I'm 28 and I need to think about having children, that my husband is like a brother to her, that I was a cold and insensitive person (being insensitive to her, to my husband), etc. I told her all I was looking for was some support from her - she tells me that she won't say she supports me getting a divorce or what I'm doing with/to my husband. All I wanted was someone to tell me they were sorry that I was going through a hard time and that they would be there for me if I needed someone to talk to - just the way I was there for her when she needed someone to talk to and cry to when she was going through her fertility treatments but refused to stop running 80+ miles a week. The situation only got worse when we had to go up to stay at her place for a baseball game the next day. She started asking me questions - if I was going to therapy, if we were going to marriage counseling, that I would be making a huge mistake and I wouldn't know that until 5 years down the road, that I was being mean to my husband, etc. etc. I told her she needed to stop because she was acting like a mother and that she wasn't helping the situation at all. We went to the game and had to run back to her house to pick up a couple of things - they (my older sister, her husband and her son) weren't there, we didn't wait.

I was told today by my husband that he received an email from her - she said that she hoped I got through whatever funk I was going through, that she would be calling him and talking to him, that she was writing him because she was thinking about/concerned about him, that she didn't understand why I was blaming everyone else for my unhappiness, etc. etc. She wrote my husband an email first - before me. I should have known better than to assume I would get any sort of support from my family. I'm kicking myself. She told him that you can't choose family, but if she could, she would choose him. SHE WOULD CHOOSE HIM. Needless to say I didn't need to hear all the details of the email because I was still hurt to hear that she sent him an email before me because she was thinking about him/concerned about him.

I shouldn't have expected anything else - I'm the one that's leaving. I'm the one that isn't sure she's in love with her husband anymore. I'm the one that still likes the old shows we used to watch together. I'm the one that tried to get him off the sofa and get him over his depression with being miserable with his job. Go figure after I tell him I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, that he decides to get off the sofa and do things. I'm the one that's always been the hold-up with children. I'm the one that wants to do well with my new job and really thinks I have a shot at making a difference in the Company/my life with this job! I'm the one that changed from being all relationship to being not all career, but more career now. I'm the one that currently sees if I were to make the decision to stay with my husband (i.e. just suck it up, bite my tongue, suppress any feelings, settle because that's what will not only make my husband happy, my sisters happy, everyone else happy and just screw my happiness - whatever), that I would be miserable and only end up makin him miserable in the long-run. I'm the one that's being selfish, immature, cold, insensitive, etc. etc.

But you know, thinking about making me happy is selfish and wrong because according to my sister I've blamed everyone else for my unhappiness - which I'm not sure how I've done that - it's just that in the past I derived my happiness from making others happy and never really gave it any thought as to if it was truly making me happy - but... according to my sister (and my husband based on what he has and hasn't said) that I've blamed everyone else for my unhappiness. I never thought of myself as the type that would do that - I've known I've been unhappy and I took the steps to try to make myself happy.

Wo is the husband who has the wife who wants to leave. I'm hurt by my family, angry at my family, frustrated at myself for not knowing the answer right now, confused as to whether or not I really even have the passion and desire to make the marriage work because I feel like I haven't been content in the marriage for so long - you shouldn't go home and immediately get angry at someone for just being there!
Please consider this. You are upsetting the apple cart. Your sisters don't want change. You were married, safe, secure. They are not in your marriage or your skin for that matter.

I know this does not make it any easier the listen to their rants, but what they want is status quo. It is very common for families to react this way.

I suppect they think that if they rant at you, you will pick up the apples and go back to your status quo.

Part of the problem is that you have not shared any of the problems that have been going on in your marriage. They think you are going from "everything is great" to "I want a divorce."
Yes, it's probably a shock to them ~ especially if they get on so well with your husband.

You appear, though, to be giving great consideration to the feelings of others, and you are trying to do what is best.

Their perceptions of the situation may not be correct ~ because they are not living it.

It's a shame that they cannot be supportive of both of you, at this difficult time.

Give them time to come to terms with their new knowledge and maybe things will improve. I hope so smile

Good luck smile
Last time I wrote - I had just told my older sister and her reaction was sub-par. It has now been a little over a week - since then I have told my younger brother and his support (i.e. just being there for me if I need to talk) has been overwhelmingly wonderful. I have also told a friend here at work - that now brings the tally of people outside the family to two and both have been extremely supportive - helping to keep me busy, etc. They are the ones that actually know more about the situation than my family (because I have told them I have moved out, whereas, I'm holding this information from my family because they have just been told about my situation - do'nt want to spring it all on them at once because I know they won't be able to handle it). Anyway - with the older sister, I saw her again this past weekend and she responded quite differently to me- she told me she was wrong for reacting the way she did and that if she were in my shoes and I reacted to her the way she had reacted to me, it would have been very hurtful and hard. It was nice for her to recognize that and to apologize to me.

The parents are asking questions again about the husband and I - took him with me to my grandparents wedding anniversary celebration this weekend (which is where I saw my older sister again). Mom seems to think things are getting better, but then again she also says I'm looking different - wearing different clothes, etc. I could just be reading into this, but don't think I am when she told me that I needed to dress more like her next time we got together with the family - more preppy. I told her that I liked the way I dressed and that I wasn't going to change - ugh this is just one more thing I've got to forget about and not worry myself over. Can't stand it - she was critiquing everything I was wearing - simple little halter dress with black vest thing, cute fashion jewelry and flip flops. Apparently too risque for a lunch with the family and relatives. Whatever - I talked to the husband about that and he said he thought I looked fine and my dressing wasn't out of the norm for me - I think my mother is all concerned that I'm toning up and showing more care about the way I look - to her "I'm vulnerable and a pretty woman and there are a lot of shady guys out there" now why she would have to worry about me getting picked up at a family outing, I'm not quite sure, but oh well. This is all besides the point.

Ride to and from the family outing (approximately 5.5 hours in the car) with the husband was alright. It was afterwards that got awkward - him wanting to be intimate, me not feeling comfortable with it; him wanting to know exactly where I stand (i.e. 50/50 chance of staying with him, 60/40, etc. etc.), me not knowing other than just a 50/50 right now as it's only really been 3 weeks of me working things out and really putting the pedal to the metal with that; him asking questions on how I feel, me giving him responses and then seeing his reaction to those respones, then me feeling horrible about making him feel bad. I don't know if it's best for me to just cut all communication from him or what - I don't know if I should just accept the fact that he's a good guy, a hard worker, would be a good parent, has a good family, and the fact that he loves me and just say screw it - you're giving up too much - let me push these feelings away, let me just bite my tongue and live with what I chose to do 6 years ago.

I'm exhausted - I need a weekend where I have no family involvement and I can take that time to think and sort through things. Also thinking that I shouldn't do a date with the husband this upcoming weekend because so far our dates have lasted either an entire day or an entire day and a half and I feel like that sucks out a large chunk of the time that I really should be using to figure things out....
Hi

Last things first ~ yes, to me a date should be a couple of hours with just the two of you, not a whole weekend with the family, etc.

Your family is beginning to come around ~ that's good.

Re clothing; You are an adult. Advice on clothing may or may not be welcome, but, at your age, you are entitled to dress as you choose.

You will sort this out, I'm sure. smile
Last things first again... grin Re. My family - This has been a major topic of discussion at both my marriage counseling and personal counseling. It has been determined that a large source of the stress in my life comes from them - this is a result of me being the person EVERYONE (all three siblings and both parents) calls whenever there's an issue in the family or just in general with them. Not sure how I came to fill this role, but alas - it is what it is and I need to find a way to cope with it because at the moment, all I feel is annoyed every time I see I'm getting a phone call from any one of those family members. I think it has reached this point because of the inordinate amount of time I have been spending with "the family" over the past couple of weeks since my little sister's wedding back on April 24th. It's been every single week since the week before the wedding - if it wasn't prepping for the wedding, it was the wedding itself, the brunch on that Sunday after the wedding, spending a weekend with the older sister and her husband in D.C., celebrating my grandparents anniversary in Frederick, MD (a 6 hour round trip drive made all in one day to enjoy 25 people eating and arguing with one another), to helping my brother move into his new house. On top of all that I've got to deal with my mother constantly calling me - 5/6 times in a row until she can get a hold of me and NOW she knows how to text!!! Having all this family stuff and now my utter annoyance and frustration with it has hampered my ability to cope and work through what I'm really supposed to be focusing on - good job to me for choosing such a bad time to go through things! BUT - good news is, after talking to the marriage counselor this past week I've determined that I need to cut them out - at least temporarily - which I will be doing - I didn't see them this past weekend and I'm leaving for Africa for work on this upcoming Friday and I'll be there for another three full weekends - so that'll give me approximately a month with limited to no contact with them. And regarding the calls from my mother - the counselor said... and I quote: "Normally this is something I would say to a parent about a mis-behaving child, but instead the roles are reversed. Your mother is acting this way (with the multiple phone calls - repeated over and over until someone answers) because it gets her what she wants. What you need to do, and you need to do it consistently, is not answer the phone. Don't give her what she wants." I tried it out - and surprisingly it's working. I proved that it's working because yesterday on my way back home from the holiday weekend I answered my mother's phone call, whereas previously should would call and I'd roll her over to voicemail and she wouldn't call again - if she did, she was rolled over to voicemail again. BIG mistake answering the phone because not only did I get an earfull about how I need to email her everyday when I'm in Africa, but she also called me another three times in a two hour period!! I'm thinking I might have to tell my mother to back off because I'm not able to focus on my husband's and my relationship - only thing is I'm not quite sure how to do this without hurting her feelings because the last time I asked for space she started to cry. confused

Re. the emailing her everyday when I'm in Africa - I told her that I didn't need to hear any pressure from her about contacting them because I was going to be in remote locations in Africa and I couldn't guarantee that I'd even have internet access. I told her I'd have an international phone, but I couldn't guarantee that I would be in an area where I could get service. She said, well you should at least have an 800 number where you can make a call - I told her I won't be staying in hotels because there are no hotels where I will be staying. I will be staying on compounds and guest houses and sometimes even someone's actual home!! She said she would need to be able to contact me because my grandmother is in really poor shape and my grandfather wasn't doing so well either and if they died, then I'd have to get on the plane and come home immediately. I told her again, I would do the best I could - but she needed to keep in mind that it's taking me at least two and a half days to get to where I'm going. It's just very frustrating to me - she continues to tell me that I shouldn't say it's going to be fun or that it's going to be an adventure - she says I'm going to hate it and it's going to be an eye-opener. Ugh - now I'm just venting. No matter what she tells me - it won't make it true - these are things that I'm excited about and I won't let her impact that. And I'm really sorry to say, that if my grandparents do suffer some sort of fatality, I will do everything in my power to get home - but I can't stress out about having to possibly schedule a flight home for a "what if." All I can do is hope that something of the sort won't happen while I'm out of the country.

Ok - moving on from the family discussion and onto the larger matter at hand - my relationship with my husband. I'm still living in the apartment and we have set a time-line of three months at which point I am to have my decision. The marriage counselor did state though that if I felt I was getting extremely close to making a final decision, that we could extend that three-month window slightly. I'm currently feeling as though that three-month window might need to be extended slightly just given the above issues I have been slapped in the face with while also trying to deal with this. I am struggling to determine how I feel about my husband - do I love him? Am I in love with him? Sometimes I say I am - yesterday I let an "I love you" slip from my lips while I was giving him a hug goodbye - I spent the weekend with him and his family (not such a bad thing because it wasn't a constant one-on-one with him - there were a number of other couples and people down there that I interacted with). I had a relatively good time and wasn't angry at him too much - wondering if the family thing is assisting in creating that anger with him?

He has also tried to "fix" some of the things that have really bothered me in the past - i.e. his "who cares - not me" attitude where he would just come home and sit on the couch, surf the internet and watch tv - he now has multiple projects he's working on; his inability to just listen instead of telling me what I should be doing and then getting frustrated with me when I don't do what he has suggested; him not pressuring me into doing things and ultimately guilting me into doing them because he knows I don't want him to be upset at me; him trying to be healthier - lose some of the 70 pounds he's put on since we started dating, eating healthier, being active, etc. (please don't read that as me being superficial - I just believe in at least trying to live a healthy lifestyle by eating right and staying active - I understand it's natural for it to be more difficult to keep off the extra pounds as we get older). These "fixes" are wonderful and it definitely gives me something to think about - but then again, they're confusing because it makes me wonder if I decide to stay with him, will he revert back to the old ways?

Other things I'm thinking about as I go through this process: I think about all the times we have spent together - these are good things for me to do as they help me remember why I fell in love with him; I think about being alone - going through the divorce process - the pain and emotions that could be involved with that (do I really want to do that??); I think about starting over with dating and falling in love and finding someone that has my same interests and desires out of life (how do you even go about doing that??);

*** break *** mad my mother is calling my office line for the second time today. I didn't answer.

I think about this other guy that I've befriended and about how it is possible for me to meet people; I think about the nights I've spent alone in my apartment and how I've laughed at TV shows, enjoyed that time doing what I want to do, and I've thought about whether or not that's something I want to have more than having that time with my husband; I've thought about how he is still one of the first people I call when I'm upset and frustrated about something with my family... that is if I call anyone at all - more recently I've just been working out and dealing with the stress from that in that manner; I've thought about my parents, my siblings, my husband's parents, my husband's brother and how they will take everything if I ultimately decide to get a divorce; I've thought about the vegetables in the garden behind our house that my husband is growing and how I will no longer have access to those (pidly, I know...); I've thought about who I would take vacations with if I were no longer married; I've thought about life after marriage and how people view those that are divorced.

This is such a heafty decision and I don't really feel like I'm anywhere close to having made a decision.

*** break *** I just called my mother back. My grandmother can no longer walk up the stairs. They believe she's had a stroke or that her cancer has gone to her brain because she is now incontinent, the woman helping her could barely get her dressed, she's confused, can barely keep her eyes open, they didn't want to do kemo on her today because of her current condition, they're sending her in for a CAT scan tomorrow. My mother started crying on the phone. I feel like I'm the one having to keep them up - I told her it would be okay, one way or the other, because she's lived a full life - she has three wonderful children, all married, they have grandchildren and their own children. She's traveled the world and left so much happiness and joy behind her that she will never be forgotten and always treasured.

Again - I think to myself - what horrible timing. Good thing I still haven't told anyone in my family that I've moved out - I think they might die if they got anymore news of that sort... Back to thinking - putting away what I cannot control and moving onto what I can.
First ~ looking at your Mum's point of view:

If I decided to go to Africa, especially on my own, my mother would be beside herself.

She would be on the phone constantly ~ wanting to talk to me as much as possible before I went, and hoping against hope that she could talk me out of going.

And if it were my daughter going, then I think that I might be the same.

Many parts of Africa can be dangerous ~ and mothers worry.

And I understand about being the one people contact when there is something serious to consider ~ that happens to me a lot. My son says that it is a complimemt ~ it means that people think that you are intelligent, sensible, sensitive and fair, but, ogf course, when you have your own issues to deal wit, it can be problematic. I think that assertiveness then has to come into play.

I might say ~ You know that I have a new job, which keeps me very busy, and you know that my husband and I are trying to sort out our marriage, so it would be much appreciated if you could give us some space and try not to phone us for a while, except in emergencies. That could be really helpful. Thanks..

I'm going to Africa for work. I will not be alone - I will be with at least 2 or 3 people at all times. I understand her concern but her concern has been extreme as of late... it has been clingy, overbearing and too much to handle. It's as though she thinks the umbilical cord has been reattached and she's not willing to let it separate - only difference is I'm a grown woman who has proven herself throughout her life that she is a smart and capable human being who will choose to do the correct, safe and intelligent thing. And the difference between my mother and your mother are that she does this with every child she has (except my brother) regardless of whether or not they are 5 minutes away or a 24 hour trip away. She has taken something that could be viewed as a sweet and thoughtful thing and turned it into an overbearing, overwhelming, obnoxious thing.

Regarding me being the person that everyone calls to "dump" on - It's fine for them to "dump" their thoughts, feelings, concerns, problems on me, but when I need someone to talk to they aren't there - the focus of the conversation always turns to them having it worse and to me it's not worth getting into a "xxxxxx match" over who has it worse at the moment so I just bottle my feelings up and keep them to myself.

Thanks for the last comment though - I might try putting it into words like that to see where it goes... have a feeling it might work for a few days but then it'll pick back up to where I am at this point again... always worth a shot though.
I'm a lot older than you ~ and, I think, perfectly competent ~ but my 'umbilical cord' is still attached, too. Some Mum's just fret a lot. Maybe it's to do with how competent they feel. Things have changed in society, and continue to change very quickly. It can take some getting used to.

My cousin ~ a woman ~ has been working in Africa, recently, and all was well. She even took her daughter on one trip. They had a wonderful experience. I think that I'd be nervous about going, if it were me, though. Maybe my Mum's anxieties are rubbing off on me smile.

I know that it can be difficult to be both strong and assertive and pleasant and polite, but, if you can carefully get it together, it could be worth trying.

Have a great time! smile
In Africa now - having a wonderful time (both work wise and just discovering wise) - definitely an eye opener. This is the first time I've had TRUE and lasting internet access since I've left last Friday. I've called my mother via the international phone when I can. I'm also using my trip to Africa as a chance to see what a "true separation" will feel like - no talking to the husband, no seeing him - and so far I'm fine. I still have trouble keeping in mind to think about myself as that seems to be the hardest part of this whole thing - thinkng about upsetting and hurting others and tryingg to make them happy.
Africa ~ it was the continent that I really wanted to visit when I was a youngster! Wow!
Update since June. blush

My grandmother passed while I was in Africa. frown I got home and I needed someone besides my family members and my husband was there and he was wonderful. We continued (and still continue) with counseling and found out that we both had gotten too "comfortable" - if that's the best way to describe it. It can also be described as too "afraid." Neither one of us wanted to "rock the boat" with issues of what was bothering us, so we just stopped talking. The counseling really helped us to figure out that we needed to talk and continue to talk, we should no longer bottle up things that were bothering us and just hope they'd "disappear" because they never disappeared, they just compiled and multiplied on top of one another. We have both gotten really good at letting the other person know when something bothers us - example: my husband used to get home, turn on the tv and turn on the computer and sit there all night.... one of the things that drove me nuts when things with us started to crumble around the edges, but rather than say something to him about it just got angry and went into the other room and didn't talk to him. Now, I noticed a couple of days with him doing it for extended periods of time and I told him that it bothered me and that I wanted to spend time with him. I asked him why he did it - it said it was because he was bored - I said, well, then lets do something together that won't make you bored - that way we spend time together, we talk and enjoy one another's company. He now pays attention to this and makes sure to shut the computer down and spend time with me.

I also found out that it got to the point where I had had enough - with my younger sister's wedding, my older sister fighting with my family, my younter brother's stress with his house, my parents, my grandparents, losing my job, my husband being miserable with his job, etc... all this left little time (actually more like no time) for me to sort through things. I was too busy thinking about and worrying about everyone else and trying to fix their problems. I couldn't take it anymore and I thought all the issues were coming just from my husband, when in reality they were coming from all sides/aspects of my life. So I moved out, got an apartment and stopped talking to people as much. This gave me time to focus on work while I was at work and then it gave me time to sort through the things in my life that had bogged me down after work was done - so instead of going home (to the house, not the apartment) to a husband that I was having issues with and sitting there with our problem and all the other problems smack dab in my face, therefore leaving all the other aspects of my life left open and unresolved, I was able to go to the apartment and deal with those other issues.

I told my parents that I loved them and that I wanted to listen to their problems, but I asked them not to rely in me to resolve them... that I couldn't carry that burden for them. I told them I'd help them and be there for them. Things with the siblings have gotten better as well - I'm still the one they all turn to, but I'm able to control my stress levels when they tell me about things, all the while, still being there to support them and help them through their difficult times.

I have since been back to Africa and found that I missed him, missed talking to him, missed seeing him. This was in August. Ultimately, I decided that I truly did love my husband and I wanted to spend my life with him. I moved back into the house after I got back from Africa for the second time and am still slowly moving the things I took to the apartment back to the house - this will be completed by October 10, because that's when the 6-month lease ends. We have used this moving back as a chance to clean things out - get rid of the old, and in with the new. We've donated clothes we no longer wear, furniture we no longer need because we're slowly replacing all the old childhood furniture we had, throwing things away that don't need to be held onto... we're cleansing and starting fresh. This separation, though trying on the both of us, has brought us closer and made our marriage stronger. We've learned what mistakes we made in the past and continue to work to make things better and stronger because we don't want to make those same careless mistakes again. Our marriage will always been a work in progress, but we're willing to make it work and we want to make it work because deep down we love one another very deeply and want to spend our lives together. I've never been happier - believe it or not. smile
That's great.
Marriage is always a work in progress ~ well done on finding your way smile
And we've gotten most of my things moved back into this house this past weekend - my brother helped and we borrowed my parents truck and trailer - now it's just a matter of cleaning out the cabinets!! We're on our way and it feels so great - husband is helping too, which is WONDERFUL.

He's said I can get a cat too - FINALLY after so long bugging him for one. haha smile We of course do the adoption out of a shelter route - the same with what we did with our dog (who will be 5 on October 21).

I can't even begin to explain how wonderful and happy all this makes me. I go to sleep at night not worrying about a thing, just being so happy laying next to my husband. Just thinking about him puts a smile on my face. Our marriage is most definitely stronger than it was 2 years ago and it just brings out this inner contentment and peace.
Lovely news. I'm so pleased for you smile smile
Everything going really well. We have decided to use this time in our lives/relationship to clean out all the old "junk" - things we've both been hoarding/holding onto because we just kept saying "oh, we'll need that down the road" or "we can't get rid of that in case...." or "I don't want to donate/throw that away because it was from..."

We've gone through our house and made three HUGE donations this year. We had piles and piles of donations from the year before that we never got around to taking to Goodwill because we didn't want to make a list of everything (for tax deduction purposes) - so while we were in the process of moving me back in, I made a list of all those items, then we went through both our closets and chests and got rid of all the clothes we had been holding onto with the hope that we'd need it someday or wear it someday. After 2 years of saying we'll wear it, we decided to give it to Goodwill where it will definitely be worn by someone that needs it. We also got rid of our older furniture making room for some of the things I had bought for my apartment. All-in-all, I think we've done an excellent job and I'm proud to say I believe we've started fresh. We're also sticking to our guns when we say we're going to fix something - the husband is actively working on fixing the bathroom that has been out of commission for more than 6 months - we picked out tile and wall color, already have a sink, still need to buy a new toilet, but that will come soon enough. He's also fixed the leaky sink in our kitchen and in the other bathroom.

Gosh it really feels great to be back home and to be working as a team to clean things up and keep them clean. Next big task will be buying a new car and planning the addition!! Work is also going well for the both of us. Despite the recent losses we've both had with family members, we're doing well and being a great team.

Also got a cat. It's quite the interesting task in introducing the dog (who will be 5 in 2 days and who is 75 lbs) to our new 2 lb cat... It's gotten a lot better since we got her a week ago. We figure it's good practice because we'll have to do it when we bring home a baby - which will be another adventure together in the future.
Originally Posted By: MW1
Everything going really well. ....
All-in-all, I think we've done an excellent job and I'm proud to say I believe we've started fresh. ....
Gosh it really feels great to be back home and to be working as a team ...

Also got a cat. ... We figure it's good practice because we'll have to do it when we bring home a baby - which will be another adventure together in the future.

smile smile smile smile smile
Smiles all round smile
New developments...

The husband and I have started trying for children. Problem - serious problem. At only 29, they say I'm in the early stages of Premature Menopause. So we've started fertility treatments and I'm trying really hard to stay positive as it's only the beginning (we just saw the doctor on Monday - but just walking away from that meeting we could see how concerned he was). Now he's told me that I need to get in there for shots and tests up the wazoo. Decided I had to tell my boss about this because I'm going to be gone very frequently over the next couple of weeks (this was a good thing because when I walked in his office he immediately asked me if I was leaving for another job - positive out of that - at least he doesn't want me to leave, but work isn't what I live for - family is).

I'm trying really hard to not think about this and worry about it, but all I can think about is how my older sister is in the same position and she can't get pregnant - BUT she has a child already. My heart just sinks to think that I won't be able to have a child of my own - biological, I mean. My husband and I see nothing wrong with adoption and will pursue that if no other options are likely to result in a child - it just.... depresses me.

I'm trying NOT to kick myself while I'm down by saying things like you should have started earlier, why did you have to go through these problems with your husband last year, why why why. Doc said there was nothing I could have done differently to prevent this... we should have started earlier for children, if only we had known. I hate 20/20 hindsight.

I go in tomorrow for instructions on how to give myself shots - and then I'm supposed to start said shots on day 3. They're doing several other bloodwork tests on day 3 too - I just hope they're not negative, even though I'm pretty sure they won't be 100% positive.

I'm searching really hard to find that inner strength I need to get through this - my husband is there, but I need to pick myself up as well. It's just very hard and other forums I've gone on for information about this haven't been that positive.
Hello MW1.

This must be really difficult for you and I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time.

Try to stay positive, though. smile

You don't know, yet, what is going to happen as a result of the treatment. All may turn out great smile

I do hope so.
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