Arranged marriage is being discussed elsewhere on the forum, so I thought I'd start a thread here.

What are your thoughts?


Here's the other thread:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=13;t=000219;p=2#000017

Much would depend on the culture.
Western society would be against it whilst with some cultures it's just a natural part of life.

Personally I'm against it. Marriage should be for love.

what is the secret of a successfull marriage ?

can anyone say ?

is love the only factor ?

then why so many Love-marriages end up in divorce ?

Communication is a major factor.
Love is another but after a while some people tend to take their partners for granted and love tends to get swept under the rug. Love needs to be nurtured and worked on to keep it going.

what about friendship - i think me and my wife are great friends.

what about ability to make your partner laugh ? share a joke - share a moment ?

marriage unfortunately is very complex.

i wish it was simple - less of hassle.

why do we marry ?

I agree that, in a marriage, being able to make each other laugh is very important - being friends too.

And I think the most important thing is trust.


As for arranged marriage, if it were an 'introduction' and the parties were then left to see how things went - if love, friendship and trust, etc, developed - I think that would be ok.

If it were an arranged marriage where someone was just expected to live with a stranger - sharing their lives, their homes, their beds, I think that would be absolutely awful.

My parents didn't even meet my husband until we had been going out together for a number of months - and that was deliberate on my part. I did not want my boyfriend to get to know / develop a relationship with members of my family before we had got to know / developed a relationship with each other.

I feel that marriage is a partnership and, while it is very nice - and makes life easier - if spouses get on with in-laws, the other members of the family shouldn't really be involved in that partnership.

So I don't think arranged marriage would have suited me at all. But I appreciate that different people have different ideas and customs.

PDM, as usual you elucidate comples things very well and make them simple :

so what we have so far :

love
communication
trust
friendship
partnership
being able to make each other laugh
culture
if spouses get on with in-laws

i am sure more to come.

i am afraid my marriage was not a typical arranged marriage much publicised in UK and Canada - as Reggie mentioned about a young film-maker.

it was more of a person mediating between two families and we were given a little time as well - not very common.

since the culture of both families were same - she did not have any problem in settling down either.

But arranged marriage as a whole can be rather painful - if there were any statistics ( and you need to rely on people being truthful ) less that 50% are a success.

that's my opinion only.

in my family - almost all are arranged marriage - none appear to be unsuccessful - but for a long time in our family arranged marriage is done slightly differently - like mine - so .............

My friend's arranged marriage seemed to be working fine, until she told me a couple of years ago that they had separated.
But, of course, that can happen in any marriage.

Another Moslem friend told me that in her family it was the arranged marriages that were tending to break down - this is in the younger generation - and the love marriages - with partners outside of Islam - that were happier.

Of course, many marriages end in divorce or separation. Why does that happen? I don't know, really, except that some people just can't see if they are compatible with their partnerrs or not.

Love blinds them. Maybe this is where arranged marriage might be more successful - provided that the 'arrangers' can be trusted in their judgement.

marriage is a relationship be it arranged or a " love" Marriage.
Any ralationship needs three things to make it work
Communication
compatiblity
and
concideration
All the other stuff the "Love", trust,etc comes when these three things combine and are working together. If you have a breakdown in any of these three then the relationship begins to crumble.
I believe that "affairs", I mean true affairs, not "one off" encounters, begin well before the bedroom. these true affairs occur because one of those three things are not working in the original relationship.
Arranged marriages, as has been said earlier, are a culture thing. If it works for them then that's fine by me, but they (arranged marriages) still require those three elements to have any chance of survival.

A social worker, working at a marriage councelinge centre, once said that arranged marriages work, because people enter them, knowing that they have to work at it. In Western culture, people think because they love each other, that is enough to make things work, and partners are easier dissillusioned.

I remember from my last year at school, a nun, Maybe it's because a nun said it that i remember it.
She said "Choose your partner well, because you have to live with that partner longer, then you have to sleep with them. What might be a very pleasant experience between the sheets, may not have the same appeal across the breakfast table"

very illuminating people - please keep them coming.

yes Lat, may be your marriage counsellor is correct!!

Vince - thanks for your little gems.

i am waiting for MARK

I am going to take the easy road on this one--

First I am not married and never have been--so take my 2 cents for what it is worth.

I think all of you have put in very important elements--I think a good marriage IS something you have to work on. There are alot of people out there who do not seem to realize that--it is an ongoing process--you don't just land your spouse and let it all go after that. I think sharing laughter is important, sharing goals, sharing dissappointments. There is a theme there--you have to share--and you have to TRUST your spouse enough to be willing to share. If you expect consideration you have to give consideration. There should be a give and take to a marriage, it cannot be all one giver and one taker. My grandmother always told me it was important never to go to bed on a fight--because it just festers. If there is an issue you have to talk it out. I would think these are all actually important elements in any kind of a relationship not just a marriage.

I am wondering if some arranged marriages last because the notion of divorce is much more of a stigma in their countries than in the West?

Somsuj, did you grow up expecting an arranged marriage? Before you married your lovely wife was it your wish to choose your own wife? Did you argue with your parents over this topic? You can decline answering any of the above questions if you find them too personal!

I think that divorce is higher today (in the West) because women can take care of themselves. In the past..let's say the 1950's, the majority of women did not drive, work or in some cases, handle the family money. Women were 'stuck' and couldn't strike out on their own very easily. Today if women aren't happy, the choice to leave is much easier because of monetary independence.

Another thought...the idea of "happiness" is very important to Americans. In other words, life is short, be happy. Unfortunately, not all people want to work at being 'happy' in their marriages. They think it is supposed to magically happen. Could be the results of watching too many Hollywood movies and expecting the same in real life. And fairy tales from childhood saying, "and they lived happily ever after" don't help much either!

Welcome back Squeek--

I think you make several good points-especially regarding Divorce--I think another factor is it is much easier now to get a divorce--and I think unfortunately there are a good number of people out there right now who find it easier to quit many things in life including marriage than really try to work things out.

yes - you can say that - however women in my family are all well educated ............. my family as i had said ........ is exception.

i grew up knowing that arranged marriage is a possibility !

the deal i had with my parents was - if i find the right person - they won't object. i did like someone - it did not last long ...... they knew and did not object. i guess they were relieved when i said, we decided to let it go ........

it was the only serious one.

Arranged marriages appear to suit some people - and they went on in England, in the past, amongst the upper classes - but they don't feel right to me. I don't want to be critical of other people's ways; just to explain how I feel.

I suppose my problems with arranged marriage are:

1. I feel that marriage is between two people - and only those two people. Consequently, for me, I simply could not consider anyone else having anything to do with it. I think that I am probably too independent for anything like this, so I find it hard to understand in others.

2. I was brought up to believe that you only slept with someone you really loved; loved enough to marry them and spend your whole life with them. (I suppose, in this sense, my parents did have a lot to do with it.) On that basis, I would have to fall in love first, whereas, I have been told by those with arranged marriages, that the love grows steadily after the marriage. Again, this does not feel right to me.

As I said before, if it is an introduction, and then you fall in love and wish to marry - that seems fine to me. After all, we all have to meet somehow, but the falling in love part and the wishing to live together, make babies together, for me, that should be private, between the two people involved.

I realise, though, that for some it seems right and it works. Somsuj, you and your wife sound really contented together with your family and I think that's great. But, as you say, you probably have more choice and freedom than some others.


I would be interested in responses to this, not uncommon, scenario:

Girl meets boy. They fall in love. Boy's parents hate girl and / or girl's parents hate boy.
What should boy & girl do?

see bollywood films - this scenario aplenty

i can remember "DIL"

i can ask my wife and give you a longer list.

I thought I'd move this to the 'relationships' section.

i do not believe in arranged marriages i say just let nature take its course

In some cultures where arranged marriages are traditional they can work out well, the marriages are arranges when the children are young and they grw up knowing they will be married.

Yes, they can work very successfully ~ but they can also be fail miserably. It depends on the people involved.

I couldn't imagine being happy about an arranged marriage for myself.

oh well this might sound a little crazy...but I took college courses and from what I gathered marriage is different in all cultures and we have different expectations
in some cultures they don't marry for love or for children, they marry for survival...
so arranged marriages are ultimately made for the survival of the people involved...in fact in some cultures they couldn't wait around to fall in love with another person, and get married. They needed to get married to guarantee their survival then and there (food, shelter and other needs that each spouse plays a role in providing)