I seperated from my wife Nov 2007 after 28 years of marriage. My divorce was final June 17, 2008. After my separation I began talking to someone and we started dating. I thought we were developing a realtionship that would last, however I am beginning to wonder. When holidays come I am more or less forgotten. She spends all her time with her two daughters, one moved to Virginia last summer, and two grandkids. During the month of December I have seen her two times because she chooses to spend her free time with the above. For the next three nights for example, she volunteered to watch her grandkids, ages 2 + 4. Saturday she planned on riding back to Virginia with her ex-son inlaws mother to take the 2 year old back. I expressed my disappointment today about never getting to spend any time with her. Am I being selfish? I can't understand why she never wants to spend time with me if she "love me" like she says.

How do you get along with her daughters and the grandkids? I think if you want to further your relationship with her you need to try to get more involved with her family.Does she ever include you in outings and visits with them?Or do you ever suggest getting together with them. There's nothing stronger than the bond between a mom and her kids and although I don't have any yet I can only imagine the bond with grandkids...
Do you have kids yourself> And if so how does she and your kids get along?

I didn't make it to 28 years. Mine was only 21 years.

Some observations - you've only been split for a little more than a year, and less than that divorced. Most people carry emotional baggage longer than that.

It may be too early to think about holding someone to commitment (including yourself).

Next, the person that I developed a relationship with, and subsequently married - after my divorce - liked being with me and I liked being with her. But many of the family gatherings were still either excluding me, or there were vibes that the kids (older, college age) preferred their Dad in the picture. I could understand that, but my new wife allowed herself to be pulled in every direction - a controlling Mom, kids who still pulled at her, and me.

There were times that I was included also, and not all was bad, but it didn't really feel like a family to me.

When I decided that relationship had to end, I worked on me. A year later, I met my soul mate. Her kids and her grandkids are mine as well as hers. And mine are hers. Everything is much better.

Your situation may work out. But don't expect too much and put pressure on her and you. And the question asked by Kel I would ask also - are you open to sharing her interest in her family?

They are not going away. And if you expect that, then perhaps you are being selfish.

Hope I wasn't too blunt. Naturally, my observations are from my own experiences and represent my own opinions.

Good luck.

Here is the prespective from the female, divorced after 20 years.

When I meet the man I am with now and have been for 23 years - one of the first things he said to me when our relationship starting getting serious was "I know your kids come first and always will, I am OK with that"

You cannot imagine what that did for me. Knowing that he understood that made it so much easier to want to include him and the make it up to him for all he does for my family.

The truth of the matter is that when the chips are down her kids and grandkids will come first. If they also come first for you then you have something.

If you want to create a wedge between the two of you - just tell her she will have to choose.

Don't mean to be cruel - just the facts.

Hello Almostheavenwv & welcome

I think that you have received some good advice here.

In my Mum's words, your children are your children, no matter how old they are, so, if she is a good loving Mum and Grandma,then they are going to come first on her list.

Maybe you can become equal first ~ but only if you can accept this. Hopefully you and she will be able to feel comfortable with you joining in more.

Good luck!