We were pretty close friends last semester. We always did everything together, studied, had lunch, after class practice, etc. The whole class saw us as best friends. However, towards the end of the semester, I noticed that she only called me when she needs help, or she’d ask me a bunch of favors in class…mainly from her irresponsibility (forgot to do homework, forgot pen/paper, download lecture, didn’t bring her book, etc.) Of course, I always helped her, but I also told her to be more responsible. She was having quite a lot of trouble during that semester (even wanted to drop), but I’d call & comfort her a lot. We had a long break after the first semester. She said she’d call & we should hang out cuz she “owes” me a lot. I was not expecting her to return my help or anything, but seriously not a call to even say “hi” in 3 months. Fast forward to this semester – we’re pretty much very distant. I guess she has found her new “best friend” (who she disliked the most last semester) since they’ve been doing their training at the same place. She pretty much only "talks" to me nowadays when she needs a ride home. She lives about 1 mile from my new house, it’s not far but definitely messes up my shortcut leaving from school (which ends up taking me an extra of probably 10 minutes to drop her off). Now she keeps asking me to give her a ride home every week 3 times in a row already. It’s not that she doesn’t have a car. She does, but for some reason “doesn’t have time” to find a parking & walk to our class on time like everybody else in our class (& I know her schedule b4 class). I really don't want to give her a ride anymore, but how do I say no? Sorry for such a long post. I just needed to vent cuz this is starting to get on my nerves! I'm a very nice & friendly person, but it xxxxx when people start taking advantage of my niceness.

Hi Winnie ~ welcome to the forum

I can understand how annoying this is becoming for you.
Is it every day, or just once per week, that she needs this lift?

If you know the days when she will ask, perhaps you could arrange to be busy that evening, so that you don't have time for the extra miles.

Or perhaps you could go in without your car, so that you can easily say no.

Or maybe you could just keep away from her completely, since she is being distant, anyway, so that she doesn't get the opportunity to ask you.

Maybe she would get the message then.

Otherwise it is difficult, and could reflect badly on you ~ I can see that ~ if you live relatively close and simply refuse to take her home.

Or maybe you could just take her home.
After all, it's only the occasional ten minutes, and it means that she gets home safely.
It's probably more the stress and frustration that are getting to you, rather than the extra minutes and mileage.

The other alternative is to talk to her and tell her what you have told us. She may not even realise that she is doing this and how bad it looks.

Good luck!

I can tell you honestly that if you let one person do this, it will continue all your life if you do not stop it and put limits on how others use you.

The refusal to let someone else drain your life energy can be as polite or as blunt as you want it to be. It can simply be: "I will no longer provide your transportation."

P.S. As far as the ex-close-friend, I don't think she was ever really your friend. Friends don't just take.

Hi PDM & Carl, Thank you for your inputs! Well luckily we only have the same class once a wk this semester but she’s asked me for that favor every week, for straight 3 weeks now (since the semester began). I can’t avoid her cuz she’s like waiting for me to come out of the class every time! I’ve thought of everything you listed PDM (go to school w/o my car, make some plans up, etc)....But I guess this is it for me, like Carl said, she was never really my friend & I'm pretty much fed up of being used I guess. The next time she asks me again I'll probably just simply say "no, I can't anymore." I’ve been taken advantage on numerous times in my life for being too sincere, too nice to people. It’s funny (more like depressing) how life teaches you to be more & more selective & protective in dealing with people everyday...

hmmm, maybe you should charge her for the cab service or something... as Carl said, friends don't just take, so she should give something in return, If you don't like money then you could ask for Chai. Chai is goodie...

Winniee, being who you are - nice - doesn't have to change. The rewards come from satisfaction at being yourself. But learning how to be nice, and with whom, ensures that the "niceness" doesn't dry up. There will be those throughout your life who will be very special friends, and this will be worth the disappointment of various ones who could never qualify.

I used to get a ride to an out of city campus, from a girl in my class everyday, way back when lol:P I didn't drive. I paid her and when the semester was over I bought her a nice gift. I cannot imagine someone not doing this for you.

You sound kind-hearted, good for you and shame on them for taking advantage, my goodness she can drive!!!

If I were you...this is what i would do. Of course what you decide it entirely up to you. I would talk to her.

Tell her look I drove you as a "favour" a few times. (Which you did , which was nice and I would let that go as far as reimbursement of some sort) but then ASK (in order to set the record straight/set guidelines whatever you wish to call it.) Will you require a ride for the rest of the semester? If she says yes. Then tell her we both have cars you know how expensive gas is, I can't afford to pay for the extra time out of my way, then ask for money or the equivalent in coffee cards what have you.

If she says yes.
You have now set up a verbal agreement and if it is breached you have every right to bring it up and say, we discussed this and you need to pay me before we leave school or whatever the set up was or I can't keep driving you.

If she says no, then you aren't driving her anyway:)))

It can totally be done nicely, I imagine you would be super nice about it anyway. But set the groundwork to make sure she knows, you are happy to help BUT not a free taxi.

And if you really want it to end, be firm but pleasant. I have had similar things happen to me, too, and others can push with: 'why?', 'why not?', 'is there a problem? etc, etc.

Don't be dragged into a long conversation over it.
You can give an explanation or not, but, try to keep it brief and without opportunity for her to change your mind against your will.

Good luck!

Exactly PDM, I was a doormat and i got so sick of being used, girls used to be my friend only to try to get close to my brother, people were nice so I would help them with reading Shakespeare and when their needs are filled , they are gone.

I find, setting thing up for myself works for me, I can avoid uncomfortable discussions. We i set up an agreement or state myself clearly, they can try to discuss all they want, I just keep repeating, we agreed on such and such...nothing has changed. They cannot really argue since they did agree or were told beforehand.

It has saved me a world of stress. And no it wasn't easy at first but it get easy and it is sooo worth it.

Yes I guess it’s the learning with who to be nice is the point here. The hard part for me sometimes is to realize when to put my brakes on before the situation starts to get on my nerves. I haven’t been firmed with her yet; however, she asked me for another favor again earlier today. She just wanted to stop by my house and ask me to download some lectures for her. I didn’t say straight out “no”, but simply asked her in a straight face “what lecture?” I guess she could tell obviously that my attitude with her has recently changed so she just said, “oh if you’re busy or anything then I’ll ask someone else”. And if she doesn’t get it & still asks me for the free rides, then I think I could use your little suggestion Coco’s mama. I hate that she thinks gas is free or something; especially most of us students don’t have that much extra anyways.

Most people I know will offer to pay towards fuel, if the driver is going out of their way, or if it's a regular thing.

I think CM and PDM have made good points. And this is a topic that affects a lot of us. We all would do good, IMO, to establish our limits and decide just what we'll agree to do, or perhaps even learn to trust our instincts, and refuse just simply because it is not something you'd want to do.

You go girl!

Has she asked you to write her tests for her yet? Just Kidding.

You seem so nice, but not everyone is, and believe you me , even the savviest of people can be fooled. There are also nice people out there too so don't let this incident make you all jaded and bitter like moi lol.

I wish i could be of more help, but I don't really know the situation that well obviously, but you can be a nice person and still say no, it doesn't mean you wouldn't like to help or are mean, saying no is your right.

So don't fret about it, and the next time something like this comes up you will know exactly how to deal since you are practcing right now:))))

PDM - oh I don't think this classmate of mine will EVER offer to pay gas or anything. She still receives free financial help (textbooks, tuitions) from her ex (and he has a g/f) without any guilt.

Carl - that's exactly my problem. Sometimes I just can't seem to say no to something I don't wanna do. I'll feel uneasy so I'll just do it reluctantly (i.e - be nice to someone who doesn't deserve). This would definitely take me a while to change & I'm trying.

Coco: well, she's copied my homework, that's kinda similar rite? Don't worry you guys been very helpful. This kind of incident opens my eyes much wider this time. Hopefully I'll be able to handle things like this better next time.

In my opinion you've gotten spectacularly good advice here...

All I can add is that I sympathize with you. It's hard when people like your classmate put you in a position where all of a sudden you have to be very assertive, which is uncomfortable for a lot of people.

I agree.

I, too, had to learn to say no ~ and to refuse to answer questions as to my reasons.

Yes, it feels a little weird to suddenly have to change 180 degrees with her like that. She used to talk to me in this sweet little baby talking way whenever she needs help (like, oh *** (my name), please help me, I don't get itttttttt) & I just felt sorry & helped her every single little thing. Now it's just annoying to me...I'm like I already have enough stress here can't you see, please just go away, stop keep asking me for favors already