I Love to Argue

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Visitor's Question:
Hi, my fiance and I just recently got engaged in August a week after our 5th year anniversary. He didn't have a ring but he says he has one in layaway which isn't a bad thing.

We have been through a lot of things as the years pass. Some old things get brought back up from the past that really wasn't resolved.

Recently, my fiance and I have been arguing. Sometimes it's about small things, sometimes it's big things. What I don't understand is that he seems to think we shouldn't be arguing about the stuff that we do. Sometimes I don't even try to argue with him, it can just be because of a simple question and it will blow up and we'll be on some other subject.

He's a great guy and everything its just he seems to think couples don't and shouldn't argue. When in fact, every person bf and gf or married argue, it can be small or big doesn't matter.

I also tell him sweetie, I'm a woman, I'm going to complain, whine, and get an attitude like no other, that's all women. But he doesn't express his feelings to me as much as he should and when he does he says hurtful things to me and I try constantly to get him to open up and he won't.

But my downfall is, I'm so quick to call it quits and don't mean it. I know its not right and yes I want to be with him only but when he confesses how he feels he makes me feel like he's unhappy with me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. I have been trying to plan our wedding and he seems so distant like he doesn't care and says the woman should do everything and I'm like its our day not mine, I'm not marrying myself. But I really need help with this, I don't know where else to go for this kind of help but I love this man and I need to know if its me or him going nuts here. Thank you.

Our Suggestion:
I highly recommend you find a minister, priest, therapist, or other person to sit down with as a couple and work through these issues.

First, all couples don't argue all the time! Yes couples *discuss* issues and find resolutions to them. It sounds like you grew up in a shouting-match household. That's not healthy. Yelling at each other is a sign of disrespect. If you have to shout at someone to get them to listen to you, what does that say about the level of respect the person has for your thoughts and feelings? The moment voices raise, the pair should take a step back and discuss the issue later on. Especially if the tendency is for the fight just to go on to completely unrelated topics.

Second, women do not complain and whine "just because they are women"! That is also incredibly disrespectful to women. Again it sounds like some of the role models in your life were less than healthy. A woman should be an equal partner in a relationship. It has taken women centuries to reach the point of equality in relationships, and now you are making it sound like women do not deserve that. Women should be rational, mature, and take an equal level of responsibility for having the partnership succeed. This means NOT complaining and NOT whining. If a woman has an issue, she should present it to the partner to work out a solution. Just as she would expect him to.

Again, a couple's therapist should help make some of these issues more plain.

Lisa

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