I actually don't think I am in love with both of them. I think it's just a hope that I can get back with any one of them but I'm not sure who. I think I want to get back with my ex, but because nothing is really working out, all I can hope for is my first? I don't know. I actually don't really know what I want from my heart. All I know is that I am confused and don't know what to do.
Oh sorry, to rephrase it, the girl wasn't my first's stepsister. She was a friend but he considered her a "sister". And I thought they were too close because they talked on the phone until really late at night. Back then he told me he doesn't love her as in being "in" love but I thought it would be possible that that may happen/happened being that they really aren't blood-related brother and sisters.
I thought there was really something going on between them because it seems like the girl was always sucking up to him. And because we were in a bad situation in the relationship, he would talk to her about it and then quickly, she because his "#1 trusted" person. And he did tell me that they used to like each other...
I do feel like it was my mistake that I broke up with him because he said he's not in love with her. I did not believe it back then, but I do believe it now because only time can prove that. As far as I know now, they don't talk to each other anymore and it has been that way about few years ago. From my memories, he was perfect in my eyes. He never made any mistakes and always made sure I felt secure and can trust him. He talked to a lot of girls too but never once did I think he was flirting or cheating on me, because he has restrictions and he sets limits because he knows I wouldn't like it, unlike my recent ex. And when we fought, my first would always make sure everything is settle before he goes to bed, not matter how tired he was and when I ignore him, he does everything to make sure I got a message. My recent ex just goes to sleep and believes that it can be settled another day and I'm the one trying to settle things before ending the day. It's just everything my first did for me, my recent ex doesn't. Everything's flipped. Like, I'M the one taking on the "usual boyfriend" role.
I don't know how to describe my recent ex. Like, if I imagine never meeting my first, I'd still get mad at my recent ex a lot. It's just the things he says, thinks, and does. We are total opposites. I just hate the replies he sometimes gives me. It seems like he doesn't even care. When we're talking late at night and suddenly he leaves and then comes back, I ask him where he was and sometimes he'd be like "here" and obviously if he was here, he would have answered. So I asked him if he can explain and he'd be like "why?" and then I tell him it's because if he cares, he would explain and he'd be like "No, that's logical fallacy." IT JUST MAKES ME SO MAD! And when I ask him why he left, he would say "Because I'm human." Ugh. You get the point, right?
Flirting to me is anything that is trying to get a girl's attention or make a girl think you're interested in her. He's called some girls "baby" or "babe" and I get pissed off and he said he doesn't understand why that is wrong!! He says it's just calling them an "infant"! He is just so UGHH. I don't even have a word for it.
I get mad at him more than I get sad because of him. To be honest, I never really cried because of him. Like, the farthest I ever went to almost crying was tears in my eyes and they weren't even enough to roll down my cheeks when I blinked.
Jealous. I do get jealous real easily...
With my first, I get jealous a lot but he somehow makes sure I know it's not what I think. With my recent ex, he sometimes denies it and tells me that he's not "flirting" or says he disagrees with me. He doesn't do anything to make sure I know what's really happening.
When my recent ex told me someone was always on his mind, I was a little hurt, but it was predictable. I mean by predictable because my first moved on really fast too and I was shocked because he was the last person I'd ever think would move on so fast. So my recent ex, I can imagine, moving on way faster. He tells me though, that that girl told him he's the only one that makes her sane. And he told me that he used to have a crush on that girl too and that in the next month, it would be a year and 4 months that he had a crush on her. And I got mad because it means that when we were together, he still crushed on her. He said "Yes" and that he "played me" all along, yes, denies he is in love with her. I don't get what is up with him, at all...
Thank you, you've been a really big help.
