RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? How to survive take a break in relationship

My name is Jo and i am 32 years old. I found my first love when i was 30. And I met this wonderful woman and after a while we become lover. So this women is my first love and I wanted her to be my first and last true love of my life.
We are actually different like heaven and earth. I am a very shy kind of person, don't have so much real friend, and I am very introvert and conservative, and I like to please people.
And she is an ex-fashion model, she has lot of friends including some of gay friend, she is very moderate in mingle with people, she is very warm.

As some background story for you understand our problem, this lady had 3 failed relationships before me, mostly she was cheated by her previous boyfriend. So she has some serious trauma about relationship.
She was very cautious in our first couple of months of relationship. She told me she want to try to know me better first before she can fully committed to me, but she always highlighted to me that she is serious with me only and she stop communicating with some of her prospective boyfriend, which she had a few before me.
In this time, she couldn't reply "I love you" to me when I said "I love you" to her. Her only reply was "I care about you".
After 7 months of relationship and on my 31st birthday, she gave me the most wonderful birthday gift, which are her heart and love, finally she could say "I love you" to me for the first time. And I was in heaven, to have a full love from her after all this time.

She is same age with me, so both of us a very serious about our relationship.
She brought me to see her parents and her family, and so was I. The response from our family were great and we happy with our love.

In our first month of relationship, she was always highlighted to me all her bad habit, so she hope i can accept her just the way she are. Some of her bad habit are, she like to party a lot, she like to drink and took ecstasy some times, she has some bad habit about swearing bad word when she was in shock state (This problem is a very common problem for most ladies in Indonesia, you wouldn't find this problem in other part of the world).
Being a modern man and I believe in if I love her i must accept her just the way she is. So all her bad habit is not a problem with me.

The root of all our problem was me, I am not good in expressing my feeling with her. When i did find some very small thing about her, which I didn't like, I couldn't expressed and discussed the with her.
I fully realized these are my biggest problem and my mistakes, which are the root of problem in our relationship.
Some of the small things that i didn't like are :
1. My jealousy when she got to close to her male friend when we were in the party (I always kept telling myself, that is her lifestyle as an ex-model, I shouldn't worry about)
2. When i called her during her gathering with her friends, she couldn't fully concetrating in our conversation. And it really irritating me a lot.
3. Being an independent woman and having her own business that doing well, she sometimes acting she khow everything better than me. I, being a very kind and patient (mostly all our friends said so), I didn't make a fuss of it. I just take it lightly. Sometime she was realized some of her comment are not true.
(For your info, I am an architect and having my own firm, which also doing well.)
4. Realizing she has a bad habit to swear a bad word when she is in shock state, I remind her to control herself when she was with my parent and family. And she failed to my request at one time, and she didn't apologized to me at all, she only said "what can I do?", when I asked her why she lost control of her bad habit. I didn't mad at her, but i was very dissapointed.
5. There some other small things that irritating me, but I just kept them to myself. I always told myself why I have to make a fuss over such a small thing. I try to be understanding to her like the book titled "Don't sweat over small things in Love"

Like her, I am also a not a perfect person. I also have some bad habit, which she didn't like. Some of my habit are :
1. I don't care about my appearance, I don't care about my fashion style, my hair and other things, mostly about my appearance.
2. I am lazy, lazy to take a bath, lazy to brush my teeth, lazy to clean my ear, lazy to apply hair gel, lazy to spray some perfume.
3. I like to make small noise when i chew my food.
4. And some other bad habit mostly man have.

Mostly of my bad habit, she tried very hard to change me to be a better person in fashion style, better hygiene, and better manner. I very accepting to all her advices, but a lot of time also i missed, and she was upset and nagging me to really care about my style, hygiene, and my manner.

So one day, after about 9 months of relationship, I have to relocate to other city because of my work. Everything was fine even we are having a long distance relationship.
Once a month I visit her or the other way around. Everything went smoothly. While having long distance relationship, we were also discussed about marriage. We plan everything about our marriage and she was willing to move to my new city after our marriage.

Our love was fine even we were having long distance relationship. Until one day, about 5 months ago, we had an argument, which were based on small things.
She couldn't reach me, when I had a meeting on Saturday late aternoon.
After meeting, I called her and told her that I had a meeting, that was why she couldn't reach me. She was ok with that but again with her being to know everything about me, she commented why saturday I had to have meeting at very late afternoon, because I normally don't work on saturday.
I didn't know what happened to me, I got so irritated by her comment, I got mad (but I didn't scold her) and commented her, why she should know everything about me, it's my life and it's my work, why she had the feeling that she know better than me.
And I asked her, are you trust me? or you were thinking that I have an affair behind her back.
She was upset dan she apologized to me for being to know everything about me. The call was ended.
Less than 5 minutes, she sent SMS to me about she was sorry about what happened before, and she trust me 100% that i wouldn't do anything behind her back, and she was so scared why I am so mad with her.
I called her back, and said I am sorry for being mad her. And everything back to normal during that called. Because i was still driving home, I told her that i would call her again once I reached home.
When I called her again, she was with some of her friends, and they are planning to have a drinking session in one of her friend house. I asked her, any special plan for the saturday night for her and her friends. She told me no plan at all, they just want to have a drinking session, that's all. As per normal, she couldn't fully concentrating in having conversation with me. And I didn't want to make a fuss over small thing, I asked her to call me when she finished her drinking session with her friend. She said yes.

After waiting about over two hours and after midnight, she didn't called me. So I called her instead. I found out that she and her friend were in one club and party. I asked her why she didn't tell me about going to a club. She said it was last minute plan. I asked why you didn't call me and inform me about going to a club? (It was her habit to let me know everything about where she going out with her friend, what she do with her friend, etc, in order for me to have faith and trust in her). She told me she was forgot and it also a last minute plan.
I am ok with it after her explaination, even with some disappointment. Finally i said to her have a good times in club and enjoy with your friends, send my regards to them.
She said ok, and she promised she will sms me once she got home from the club.

With some disappointment in my heart, I waited for her sms. But after three hours and it was three o'clock in the morning, she didn't sms me. So I called her and ask her in firm tone (not yelling tone), why you haven't go home yet? It's already 3 o'clock in the morning. And i said i waited for her sms until I didn't sleep.
She said sorry, and she will go home now and will sms me once she reach home. I told her, don't bother to sms me, I like to go to sleep now. And I hung up the phone.

After that I couldn't sleep, I did a lot of thinking about our relationship. I started to feel unfairness in our relationship. She always wanted me to change to be a better person, as for her, I have to accept all her bad habit just the way she is.
So started to have this concept that I was conditioned in a way by her from the start, that I have to accept her just the way she is with all her bad habit and her indulgence in party, alcohol and drugs (sometimes).
(FYI, in her last relationship, her boyfriend was very posessive, she couldn't hang out with her friends, she couldn't wear sexy outfit, she couldn't party with her friend at all).
I started to have tha feeling that i was manipulated by her from the beginning, so she can have all the fun from her indulgence.

The next morning, she called me and asked me why I was so mad with her last night? she didn't understand why I was angry with she going out to party with her friend?
I told her, yesterday late afternoon we had an argument, should we talked again about it to straighten the problem last night instead of she had a drinking session and then party? Is it a right attitude?
She said she was stress about the argument with me and she need to drink and party to relieve the stress.
I asked her again, are you going to drink and party everytime we had a fight, a problem or anything? Is that your escape to stress in relationship?
I told her, that she has a bright future with me, we going to get married soon, and we are going to have children.
Are you going to drink and party with friends everytime we had a problem in the future when we had a family and children? I told her the she was very childish and enjoying her life too much and not considering me and our future.
And I start to blame her for everything, I dig all my disappointment about her over all the small thing that I hide all this time.
I told her that I being treated unfair in this relationship.
I burst all disappointment to her at that time.
She was cried and said she was apologizing to me.
I also apologizing to her for my mad.

Everything is ok then, After that I feel alright about our love.
But I didn't realized that she was so shock about my mad and all my disappointment. (I will tell about it later)

Everything was fine after that.
As a workoholic, i got carried away with my work and work-related stress, our frequency in calling in each other become lesser and become routine.
I become very sensitive and get upset very often if she did something that I did't like. I got sweat over small thing very often now.

For intermezzo, I like to tell you about her good quality.
Beside she had some bad habit, she had a lot of good quality of her. She was really in love with me. She was a ideal woman that a man can have, she is loving, fun, warm, attentive to me. She is a good cook. She has a business of her own, so she is not the type of materialistic woman. She care about me a lot. When I was sick for 5 weeks and had to undergo some surgery procedures, she was always beside me and pray to God for my health and if it possible to let her get the sickness instead of me. How lucky I am to have a girlfriend and future wife like her? I Thank God very much. She is my soulmate.
I couldn't tell you about all her good quality, because if I do so this letter can be endless.

What I don't realized that after the big argument, she was so shock and started to get scared of me.
She felt that I am changed now, i got angry very often now, I am not very romantic as I used to be, I am not attentive to her again as I used to be.
So she started to live in fear now and because of her trauma in her previous relationship, she really live in fear and started to have question, am I the right man that she wanna be with forever in her life time.

One day, about three months ago, she came and visited me for quite long time. She carried a mission and without telling me. Her mission was to live with me for quite long time and try to rekindle our love and also try to understand why I am changed and not the same me when she first time knowing me.

It was really my fault and my mistake, that I was very ignorant about her willingness to stay with me quite long, and her effort to rekindle our love.
What did I do? I still got carried away with work and my work-related stress, I still become a sensitive guy, and get upset and agitated when she did something that is not right in my opinion.
But when she wasn't doing something wrong, i become a normal loving boyfriend to her and she was happy.
But mostly i become a agitated boyfriend compare to a normal loving boyfriend.

I didn't know that she was crying every night beside me, while i was sleeping.
Until one day she couldn't stand it any more.
She called me while I was working and she cry and told me that she want to go back home.
I quickly rushed back home and asked her why suddenly she wanna go back home? Anything was wrong with me?

She started to burst out all her disappointment about me.
She told me that i am a different person now, I got mad easily and not loving to her as used to be, and etc.

So she had a conclusion that she was being lied by me now. And she was hurt and broken heart because of the change in me. She told me that, when i still fight to get her love, I was very nice, loving person, a perfect man for her.
But now, after I got her her fully, I started to take her love for granted.

I was misinterpred her statement about her being lied by me. I said i wasn't lied to her about my love for her. My love for her was true and pure.
I didn't cheat on her. I still love her very much.
About the change in me, I said I am sorry i might be too carried away with my work. I promised her that i will work on that. I will start to give more attention to her, to give her more time to call her and visit her more often.
A few days later, she went back to our hometown.

After all this heart to heart sharing. Everything seems ok to me and problem finally solved.

But not with her, she still living in fear and trauma about her past relationship. She always asked herself about am I the man that she want live wtih for the rest of her life?
She always tell me that she still live in fear. And I told her that she need to fight over her fear. she has to believe in my love and our love.
I told her that if she couldn't overcome her fear, that could affect us, our relationship greatly. and she realized that too.

As this is my first love, and I didn't understand much about women, that she need a long time to recover from the hurt and broken heart that caused by the change in me.
I tried very hard to change myself back to the way i am before to her.
I called her more often now, and i try to be more loving and attentive to her. I try to give more to her. While i tried everything that i could do to rekindle our love.

In spite of all the effort to change and to give her more attention and love. I got different response from her. She also changed now, because she still couldn't overcome her fear. She called me lesser, mostly I called her. And the worst, she couldn't say "I love you' again if I told her 'I love you so much'.
It hurts me so much, seems like i am the only party who try to rekindle our love, but she didn't try at all. All she can say that she couldn't overcome her fear.

So she started the idea to take a break for a while for us to take time off for us to reinstrospect ourself about our love.
Even I am a person who don't believe in taking a breaking in relationship (for me it is the same as break up), i agreed to her to take a break.

But I can't stand take a break, so started to call her again.
But everytime i called, it never end up good, it end up bad. We argue about how she can't overcome her fear.
It really sucks.

One day, about a month ago, I come to our hometown to visit her, everything seem ok on the surface but it not really ok deep down. Everything seems plastic.
And at that time I made a terrible mistake, which I know I shouldn't do that. I surpassing her privacy by take a look at her mobile.
I feel terible when I did that.
I found out that a series of sms between her and her male friend. For me that series of sms wasn't a conversation between two friend, but a conversation of two people are in process getting close in relationship.
I was devastated but i keep telling myself that i shouldn't sweat over that. That series of sms is just her normal lifestyle of her to her all male friends. I tell myself not to make a fuss over that small things, which I wasn't sure also.

After that, I didn't confront her at all, even i was devastated and confused. I acted cool. And that day I have to go back to my new city back to work.
After i get back, I email her and asked her about those sms in her mobile.
Firstly I deeply apologized to her for surpassing her privacy, then I asked about what happened between her dan her male friend? Are the both of you started to get close to each other while we having a problem in our relationship?.
I highlighted to her, I didn't get mad and accused her, I just confused and I need her answer.

Few days later she called me, and mad at me. She told me that her principle in love that she won't cheat on relationship. She wouldn't hurt boyfriend, that is her principle. And she told me that she was really disappointed by my action surpassing her privacy. She asked me to take a stand and decision. She said if there isn't any trust why we should we keep our relationship. She was crying.
I also started to cry, and i told her, it was my terrible mistake, please forgive me.....Please give me second chance for me to prove my love to her. She said she don't know what to answer and what to do.
She expressing her anger and anguish to me. and I keep asking for forgiveness and one last chance for me.
She told me to stop as her head feel like to explode. She promised to call me back.

Two days later, she call me back, same thing happen. She expressing her anger and anguish to me, while i keep asking for her forgiveness one last chance for me to prove my love.
She said she don't know. She told me that i might be thinking not fair again for me that i might not have my last chance, while all her previous boyfriend could have two or three chances. She told me if i ever had a thought that she is already in the limit where she always been hurt by man including me until she couldn't trust man now.
I didn't know what to answer, I just told her that i am a normal person not a perfect man. I made mistake and i learn my lesson now. Please forgive me and please consider to give me one last chance, i am not asking two or three chances.
She said she don't know. She couldn't think. Evrything was blurred to her. She promised to call me back

Three days later, she call me again, the same thing happened. No conclusion. She promised to call me again.

Again she call me, same thing happenned, no conclusion. She promised to call me again.
Finally I sms her, please don't call me again. I will give her the time to think and reintrospect about our love and our relationship. I won't bother her with my sms or call. I only beg her to consider giving me one last chance for me to prove my love. I asked her not to give up and still believe in our love.

Since then, we really take a break for real.

Since then, i was devastated and broken heart. I had a feeling that I might lose her for real. I love her so much
and i couldn't live without her. I really broken heart.
I started to pray to God everynight to beg for His help and guidance.

A week ago, I started to call 4 of her good friend to ask for their prayer for us so we can be back together. Mostly of her friends know that we had a problem, because my girlfriend told them about our problem. And mostly of her friends support us and promised to pray for us.
They mostly say our problem is simple, and they didn't know what happenned until it become so complicated. They promised to pray the best for us. Some of them promised me to help me. I am very happy.

But the day after I called her friends, she called me and expressing her anger with me. She told me why i disturb her friends with our problem. She said her friends have their life and their own problem, why should they have a new burden about our problem? She asked me that if i ever remember that we have promised to solve our problem ourselves without help from other people. She was angry again and said to me why we can't have a real take a break, there always a problem caused by me. Why I can't give her time to think and reintrospect about our love.
Again I confused and devastated. I said i am very sorry about that. I apologized for me being so selfish.
But again I confused, why she got so mad and angry about i call some of her friends and asked for their prayer for us?
Her friends also know about our problem, since she already told them about it. I am so confused right now.

Until now we are still in nowhere, whether we are broke up are we are still a couple who are taking a break.
I still sms her once every 3 or 4 days just to ask her how she is doing. Her replies were very short, So I reply back with wishes that she have a good day and I still love her.
For the time moment, I don't press her about our problem, I take it slow and easy, even deep down in my heart i was devastated.

What should i do to survive this take a break? It's been a month since we really take a break.
What can I do to gain her trust and to heal her hurt and broken heart?
I love her so much and I can't live without her.
Even I devastated and broken heart in this unclear status of our relationship, I still hope and have faith with our love.

If we can get back together, what we should do in the process to get back to better love relationship. I know it won't be the same as it used to be. It's gonna be very awkward moment, where each of us will fear and scare to make mistake again. But we can't ignore that we had a problem.
What we can do to heal each other hurt and broken heart in order to rebuild our love to be better than previously.

And if we can't be together again? should I fight with all i have in me to get her love back? I willing to sacrifice everything inclucing my bright career future just for her love?
My close friend always told me to keep rational and not to get carried away with my frustation.

I hope you can provide me some enlightment about our problem, and help me especially about how to survive this take a break in our relationship.

Your help and advice are highly appreciated.
Thank you.

PS. I am sorry to write you all a very long and boring letter, it just because I like you all to have a clear understanding about our problem. So you could give us an better advice. Thank you.

Welcome to the forum!

I am from the UK and there will be cultural differences, but I can give you my reaction to this.


The problems with having one's first girlfriend in one's 30s, in my opinion, are that you have the expectations of an almost 'teenage love', when you are not teenagers, and you want the other person to adapt to you, because you are already set in your adult ways.

It sounds as if you may love one another, but still have doubts about each other.

You are aware of each other's faults and try to accept them, yet cannot accept them. You both need to be honest about this and not pretend that you are accepting of something if you are not.

You talk about her bad habits. This sounds rather condescending, even if I do understand what you mean.

Going to parties, as I understand it, is not a bad habit; it is a way of enjoying oneself. Drinking to excess can be very harmful, but drinking within reason isn't normally considered to be a bad habit. Taking drugs is dangerous.

I think you need to ask yourself what offends you about all this.

If you are unhappy with what you call 'bad habits', why do you want to stay with her?

You say that she is 'swearing bad word when she was in shock state (This problem is a very common problem for most ladies in Indonesia, you wouldn't find this problem in other part of the world)'.
I don't understand this comment. Lots of women swear. I don't, but many do ~ especially when things are going wrong. If you don't want a woman who swears, why do you feel that this person is right for you?

You say that you love her, yet you are very critical of her. You say that she wants to change you ~ but you want to change her too.

You say 'Being a modern man and I believe in if I love her i must accept her just the way she is. So all her bad habit is not a problem with me.'
But that's not true, is it?
You want it to be true, but her 'bad habits' are indeed a problem for you.

You accept that
'I am not good in expressing my feeling with her.'
And communication is very important in a relationship.
You admit 'I fully realized these are my biggest problem and my mistakes'.
But have you considered what to do about this?

Why are you jealous?
Why do you feel the need to check up on her, when she is out with friends?
Why do you get annoyed if she also checks up on you, when you are working on a Saturday afternoon?
Why do you check her phone?
Why do you discuss your personal relationship with her friends?
Why do you get irritated?

Do you worry about her safety?
Do you think that she might go off with other men?
Do you trust her?

Why do you disrespect her by being scruffy & dirty?
How would you feel if she didn't bathe, or wash her hair, or clean her teeth?

Hair gel & perfume don't matter as much as general cleanliness.
I would never have gone out with a man who had dirty hair, teeth and ears and who didn't wash! Some young teenagers are like this but at 32 I wouldn't expect such immature behaviour. I am not surprised that she nagged you about hygiene ~ especially if she is a model and a business-woman.

You two really need to have a good talk ~ without emotions getting in the way.

Can you adapt and compromise to each other's lifestyle?
If you are to marry & have children there will have to be a good deal of give & take.

There needs to be more honesty ~ and not in the middle of emotional outbursts, but quietly & obectively.

I think that this break is necessary for you both to evaluate your feelings, and what you want & expect from each other, and for yourselves for the future.

Can you each respect and accept the differences?
Can you each make some compromises, so that things can be worked out?
Can you each truly accept, forgive & forget ~ as and when necessary?
Can you each change for the benefit of the relationship ~ because you want to and not because the other orders you to do so?

Can you get some relationship advice and counselling?

If you love each other, you will work this out, but you must also respect & trust each other.

Good luck!

Hi PDM,

Thank you for your comments, most of them really wake me up.
I really appreciate your help.

Regards
Jo

I hope that they did indeed help.
Good luck!