RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating I feel my relationship is in danger

Hi I'm Piike.

Anyway I'm going through a difficult problem like some do from time to time on these forums anyway.

My Girlfriend and I are in our 30s and we met about 4 months ago and for the first 3 months every has been great she's loving and has a big heart...

but before me she was in a relationship with a guy for 6 years but they broke up frequently through those six years because he would cheat on her etc.... and she was too weak move on and when she would and try to meet someone else ... he would come back into her life and sweet talk her back.

This has happened at least twice then she meets me and he's been so jealous... he drives by her house and tries to woo her back etc... which is annoying and won't go away.

Now we care about each other but he keeps popping up stirring her old emotions for him.

She claims that she's moved on with me but calls me insecure when I bring up him constantly trying to stay in the picture. (Can you blame me?)

Now that we're into our fourth month she's changed. She's really stressed over bills and moving into another house....

I asked her was it something I did and she says it's nothing to do with me or her ex.... she just has a million things going on.

She says we're around each other too much and that we both need to have our own life outside our relationship and that we need our space.

As of last night I was talking to her and she said she would call me back...but she didnt so I called her back a couple hours later and her phone was turned off... so I called back in the morning and it was back on but she didn't answer.

So I think I'm just going to back off and not call. I'm not insecure it's just her ex won't go away and it's put a strain on our relationship. So I'm scared if I stop calling ...that will give her more time to think about her ex and If I do call it will just xxxx her off.

I've dodge relationships for years and this is why

Any advice?

Welcome to the forums.

In the realm of relationships, 4 months is a relatively short time, and from what you say, it sounds like your girlfriend has no idea what she wants, and it is she, not you, who is insecure.

I do agree with her in that each of you needs your own lives, BUT, to me, saying that you spend too much time together and asking for more space does not bode well. It implies that she's tiring of you, and if that's the case after 4 months, then what after 6 months? a year?

sal has a point, besides, there are millions of other girls out there, dont stick to the hard one, go wit someone who cares about u a lot and doesnt need *space*.

Hi Piike ~ welcome.

It sounds as if she is a bit confused to me ~ about you and her ex and herself.

Maybe she does just need time, but I agree with Sal that this scenario doesn't sound encouaging.

As for 'I've dodge relationships for years and this is why' ~ maybe this negative attitude is drawing you to the wrong girls.

Get a positive happy attitude to relationships and you might find a positive happy girl.

Hi again.... our relationship has been up/down since I last posted. She admitted she still needs to heal from her previous relationship because she rush into this one with me.... and she also says I'm too nice.

I hate to hear that because I only open up to the nice ones... boy was I wrong.

Anyway she's been in so many bad relationships where she was treated like xxxx that she doesn't know how to react to someone treating her good.

So even though my emotions and feelings are wrapped into all this... my hearts all beat up, cracked, and trashed cause of her

what should I do ladies?

Aww. I know exactly how you feel man. Advice for this is kind of hard to get and the usual "I dont think you should be in this relationship" Is prolly not what you wanna hear. I completely understand.

I'm dating a guy right now that when we first met, he said that he wasn't really ready for a relationship because of some other girl that was mean to him...blah blah blah we've all heard it. A week later, we were dating and happy. Then 'she' started calling and telling him that if he lived where she did, they would totally get back together...and this made me slightly angry. So I talked to him about it. I told him that he has his title to be friends with her...I am in no place to tell him that he can't, But I am his girlfriend now, not her. I've told him that it does make me a bit jealous when she calls or texts or comments, and especially the picture of the both of them holding hands on his myspace page...

We've been together for a year and 3 months now. Which is very good. Communication is the best thing. Maybe you should sit her down and tell her how you feel. Tell her that the ex coming back into her life the way he is makes you uncomfortable. I understand that you don't want to lose this person but sometimes, you just can't stop it. Ask her how she feels about him basically following her around and that if she does not like it, she needs to tell him to go away.

As for the "we need our own space" Yes this is true but there is a certain space that is considered a "Please don't call me anymore" and if you are truely confused, you need to ask her what e.x.a.c.t.l.y she meant so that no one is confused.

If she really wants to be with you, she will pour her feelings out if you do...most times, sorry I can't promise that. It just needs to be you and her no one else around somewhere quiet. Try and be sweet to her in talking to her so that she doesn't get that bad feeling of "we need to talk" You will either sweep her off her feet, or...well. I'll leave that one out cause I don't wish for that to happen.

Best of luck, my friend.

Thanks for your take on this chirp06.

I think my problem was she is the first "nice" woman I've dated... and all the stories she told me about her past such as the way she was treated etc... I molded myself not to hurt her in those ways because she's the one I've been looking for all this time.

When things were going good she'd always ask me where have I been all her life etc... and it felt good knowing that I could make her happy but I guess me being good to her has run it's course.

I guess I fear that if we break up... she'll fall for another bad guy and get treated like xxxx and i'd hate to see that happen to her because since being with her I can see how guys have easily taken advantage of her trust etc...

It sucks because my birthday is next friday... I gave her a good birthday but not sure if mine will turn out the same way.

She admits that she isn't use to someone being honest and faithful with her and she doesn't know how to deal with it and wants space...

And it seems that she takes her frustrations and bad memories from past relationships out on me. I'm trying to remain calm when she comes at me like that but there's only so much more I can take.

and with everything that has happened I thought she would have broken up with me by now but she hasn't... its making me confused.

I'm just going to stop calling her and think about other things and do other things.... because the last thing i need is heartbreak during my birthday.

If it doesn't work out I know how this is going to end and that's with her being with another jerk...get treated like xxxx then regret pushing me away.

I hope not though.

Hi Piike,

Sorry about the earlier typo, which meant that I got your name wrong ~ I have corrected it now.

Unfortunately, no-one on here can really tell you what to do. Only you and she can sort this out.

There are questions which need to be asked and answered.

Now that you are in your thirties, you want to find 'the one' and you thought that she was 'the one I've been looking for all this time'.

But is she?

Consider carefully; you have known each other for less than six months and, while this can sometimes be long enough, sometimes it isn't long enough to get to the real person ~ especially if there is a lot of emotional baggage.

Maybe she just needs time, or maybe she thrives on the 'excitement' of a more stressful relationship; or maybe she only knows how to function in a negative relationship.

If she wants you, and what you seem to be offering ~ a calm, loving life ~ then she probably will need time ~ and help ~ to adjust. I would recommend counselling for her to come to terms with her past ~ and also relationship counselling for both of you.

Is such help available where you live?

By your 30s, you can be set in your ways ~ both of you. You will need to learn to live as a couple if this is to be successful.

Is that what you both want?

Do you love her? ~ Enough?

Does she love you?

Does she want the sort of lifestyle that being in a relationship with you would bring?

Think carefully and as objectively as you can

Good luck!

uh-oh! this rings bells for me!!! look at the circumstances--she's been in dozens of really xxxxxx relationships where she was treated like, well, xxxx. and now she's telling you that you're too nice. sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do. i'm sorry if the following sounds harsh or isn't what you want to hear, but this kind of hits home for me, and i'm just trying to help you because i hate seeing people who are in love with someone and all they get back is problems. have you ever heard the expression (popular among pyschologists) that to help a person, they have to want to be helped? well, the same goes for a relationship. in order to be in a good relationship, both parties have to want to be in a good relationship. it doesn't sound like she wants to be in a good relationship. her calling you "too nice" should enrage you. there is no such thing as being too nice--you can be a pushover, but that's not being nice, it's not being able to say "no"--and excuse you for trying to treat her well. your niceness is a virtue not a vice (sorry, in college, been reading Plato ). i think it's pretty clear that she still has some maturing to do and that she is not ready for a relationship with a real man. she'd rather be treated poorly by a bunch of posers. and let me point something out: she told you that the change in her behavior was due to having too many things to do. you and i know--and she knows too--that that is a dang lie. that makes her a liar. and on top of that, all of this is followed by the couple of days when you couldn't reach her--did she provide an explanation for that? i'm sorry but it sounds like she's neither trustworthy nor reliable. now, i do agree with her that you two need lives outside of your relationship, however, asking for space is something different. four months is not a lot of time--this is the time that you guys should be spending getting to know each other, and yet she's already asking for space? doesn't bode well. it sounds like you've got yourself a woman who is trying to tell you that she's not ready for you. when she says "i've got a lot of healing to do from my last relationship," wat she's really trying to tell you is "i'm not ready for this relationship." take the hint, and let her go figure herself out. life is hard enough, without all of this, right? now, just so you don't think i'm pulling this out of the air, let me tell you what happened to me. i was with a man--i've since decided to be done with him--and at the beginning of our relationship, we got off to a rocky start because he kept telling me, "you're too good for me," or "you're so nice--i don't want to corrupt you." i should have taken the hint and run in the other direction. but instead, i stuck with him. well, it turned out that he was abusive, and cruel. and all that time he was telling me i was "too nice," he was really trying to warn me that he wasn't man enough to treat somebody the way they should be treated. now i wish that whole 6 months never happened, and i'll have to live with the scars he gave me for the rest of my life. i don't want anyone going through what i went through. i know you're older and probably more mature than me, but a relationship is supposed to enrich you, not drain you and make you hate other relationships. this ain't right for you. run. and run far.

good luck to you

Piike: you wrote: "...it seems that she takes her frustrations and bad memories from past relationships out on me."

Now please consider LoraX' words: "a relationship is supposed to enrich you, not drain you."

I think that is a spectacularly good piece of advice, and perhaps it should be printed on everyone's bathroom mirror so that we see it every day! Of course, "enrich" isn't the same as "make me happy every second of every day" --no relationship of any kind will ever do that. But you don't sound like a self-absorbed person, and your expectations sound reasonable to me.

I hope you won't give up on the many nice women out there!

Well it's over

We sat down and talked and cried together about it. She says over and over she shouldn't have never rushed into a new relationship without telling me in the beginning about their long turbulent history in the past.

She feels very very very guilty for breaking my heart and even though I can't have her... it makes sense that she can't be in a relationship with me and be the woman I want her to be while still in love with another guy.

She also says she can't be committed to anyone for a while until she gets over her old relationship.... and she says she hopes I'm still around when she's ready ( i doubt that) and says herself that I'll probably be long gone.

She also says she feels she's going to regret this later on down the road and will be kicking herself for it.

She hates herself right now because she broke my heart. I've never see her breaking down in tears like that...

I'm upset but in a sense glad there was some sort of ending to this.... because emotionally I'm so tired... I gave it my all but I guess it's not meant to be.

Thanks to everyone for your take on this matter.

I'm devastated because my birthday is a week away and well it's just not gonna be the same.

Piike

I'm sorry man. I do wish you luck in the future. You might just get lucky and find her again.

Just watch that movie called A Lot Like Love. It's cheezy but it's cute. If anything I will make you laugh. Either that or read some of Lorax's parakeet humor. hehe

I'm glad that you can admit it's a weight off your shoulders though. It takes alot to do that. I salute you and wish you the best in all!

I couldn't have said it better. Hope things turn up the future.


PS
I spent my birthday this year completely alone. I decided to make the best of it anyway--made myself a cake, sang to me, "ooh"d and "aah"d at my own gifts to myself (I got me a parakeet!) While you may not go to quite the extreme, I'd recommend it over wallowing, though it is hard.

What does she want from me??

She broke up with me the other day. I told her not to call me cause it hurts talking to her after what happened. So I try to move on and she calls twice after not hearing from me for 2days but I didn't answer... and this is what she had to say:


"Hey baby it's me. I know you told me not to call you... I'm just saying how much I miss you and love you and sorry I hurt you and hope you don't hate me and maybe one day we'll have another chance. I just need some time right now and I know you probably don't understand all that... you been so good to me and I love you and I'm not going to forget about you. I hope you're doing okay. Will you call me back and leave me a message? I love you."

I didn't call back so she called again 30mins later saying:

"It's me calling you again. I'm sorry cause I know you didn't want me to. I hope you're not mad... I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am for hurting you the other day. I know you're hurting. I'm hurting too cause I love you so much and... I miss you.... there is gonna be another chance for us again... I promise. I just need this time... just give me the time... my mind is so stressed and... I just never meant to hurt you and I'm sorry okay? I hope you don't hate me... and please leave me a message cause I just want to hear your voice. Anyway... I love you okay? and I won't quit thinking about you... you're always on my mind. I hope you have a good day today."


So later that day I called her and left her a message stating I love and miss her too but breaking up with me and still calling me is "torturing me" and left it at that.

The anger in me wanted to say quit calling me and go be with that piece of [censored] that cheats on you every 5minutes... and that's another thing... when they were together ... She lost all her girlfriends because he was trying to sleep with them behind her back. He would take her cell phone when she wasn't looking and get their numbers and call them later. Or when they're all out he would fondle some of her friends while she wasn't looking.

Her friends stopped associating with her because he made them uncomfortable etc but when I came into the picture... her friends came back... well I guess she better get ready to lose them again if she goes back to him.

So it angers me that she still has feelings and whatever else towards him... but anyway my hurt is changing to anger and I'm seriously thinking about changing my number.

I don't want her to feel like every time she's sad she can call me like I'm some kind of spare tire.

What does she want from me now??

Aye, the sad truth of life. Females are like that.. they spit in your face and then try to clean it up and somehow expect you to forgive them. Yes, I'm female, but I'm a harsh judge nonetheless.

She does not know what she wants. IF you were to get back together, it's very likely that things wouldn't have changed one bit from how she was before, only you'd be even more hurt than before. People always want what they can't have, and it seems particularly when it comes to relationships.

I know I sound anything but comforting, but I think you'd be best off if you don't even respond to her... since you mentioned thinking about changing your number, you may instead want to ask the phone company to block hers instead.. it sounds like it would be less hassle overall.

I'm going to just not answer my phone when she calls... The good thing is I'm not dwelling on her as much...I'm thinking of the future.

I'm still hurting but I'm still standing if that makes any sense hehe.

While I feel that everyone has the right to love and be loved, I also believe that there are some people who bring hurt and despair to the partners who love them.

It seems that there are unfortunate people who, for whatever reason, simply cannot have a straightforward relationship.

If I were the mother of such a person, I would be hoping and praying that s/he would find a nice decent sensible loving person to settle down with; but, if I were the mother of that nice sensible person, I would be really hoping that s/he did not get mixed up with a confused and unsettling partner.

This girl needs guidance & counselling.

My vote is to not contact her back... you need to move on an she is weighing you down. It is better that you be alone for your birthday than be tortured and conflicted with her. There is nothing wrong with being alone... you have to be strong to realize that.

sal--that was a little harsh. being a female yourself you should know that this isn't true. women aren't evil creatures who seek to rub salt into people's wounds. this woman is clearly way too immature to be in a descent relationship. whatever issues she has, she needs to work out in therapy--you neither deserve nor have the obligation to be her punching bag/firing board/ whatever the bleep she wants from you. she's trying to have it both ways--keep the abusive bad boy she wants, while still having the good guy to run back to. you deserve better. i'm behind you 100% with the changing the phone number idea. do not call her again (my advice, i don't mean to sound like your mother )

well this story has taken a complete twist. I'll make a long story short since we just got hit by a hurricane.

I stopped calling her.

She call me a day later over and over til I answered.

She was saying how she's been dreaming about me all night etc... and wanted to see me.... she cried about how she hurt me... buckets of tears etc... and that being around that guy again... she didn't feel anything... she said she cared about him but she basically vented on him for the first time for all the things he did to her in the past and being in his presence made her realize that she really loved me but she was scared that I wouldn't forgive her.

Anyway I forgave her and she stated that, that was the type of closure she needed. He wants her back but she chose me.

So we made up and got it on 2days straight (lol) now she adores the hell out of me. It's just surreal...

as for her ex... well I have a feeling he'll linger around for a bit because to him it's just competition... she was just his trophy... but she was finally strong enough to stand up to him and let out all her anger on him that she held back for so long.


Woman are wierd =)

I truly hope that this works out for you!

My birthday party at this seafood restaurant/bar was great.... my gf came with me but earlier that day I got two restricted phone calls on my cell phone. First call they didn't say anything, second call they said: "You better not show up there tonight. You better not. I'll be in there tonight".

Turns out her bf had gotten my number from her phone while she wasnt around when we were broken up.

Anyway that struck a nerve with me, not because he called but because he was so much of a coward that he had to call restricted. I told her about it and she was furious and was going to call him back to curse him out but I told her not to and to just play dumb.

Anyway we entered the place and he was standing at the bar he looked at me crazy and i stood my ground and looked at him crazy and he just wondered around looking like an idiot then he tried to speak to her and she told him to F-off.

I mean how dumb can you get by coming to a bday party when all my friends are there and would pounce on him in a heartbeat if that's what I wanted but it wasn't what I wanted.

He eventually left and we had a fantastic time. She's finally over him and he can't stand it and by him calling my phone it only pushed her further away from him.

Things are great now. I can really tell the difference in her this time around as oppose to when we first got together.

When we first started dating I always felt that she was holding back her feelings due to them being held down by him in their past relationship, but now I'm getting all the love because she's free of him and it feels great.

So I wanna thank everyone in this thread for your input and advice during the miserable days I had to endure throughout this ordeal.

Thanks =)

Hmmmmm....I bet this isn't quite over yet!

I wouldn't have climbed back into that kettle quite so quickly! But, that's just me! And...well...forget it!

Could be right ~ but I hope that it will turn out OK.

So far so good =)

Good!