RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up how do i stop being jelous

i just got dumped by my girl was with her for a year and a half. I was being overly jelous and did not trust her. She got sick of it. I want to stop being jelous but its so hard.She cant even be with a guy friend and i would get jelous. But now that we are not together there are lots of guys at her school trying to talk to her she says she wants to be alone and is not interested but i still cant stop thinking they are gonna grab her before i fix this jelousy thing.I really want to be with this girl she also told me she left me because of my jelousy.How do i fix this and prove i can change

Hi jat1221 & welcome.

You have already made a start ~ you have acknowledged your problem. That's good.

Let's look at this objectively:

First try to think why you become jealous.
Is there a reason?
Has anything happened to justify your jealousy?

Is it just around this one girl?

Is it possible that you think that she is so wonderful, that you assume that all other boys will want her, too?

Were you like this for all the 18 months that you were together?

From what you say, she is not encouraging other boys & would still be with you if it were not for the jealousy.

You say about school.
Should I assume that this means that you are both still teenagers?

If so, then this could explain quite a bit, since teenage emotions are complex and run high.

Also, I think boys often find it hard to understand girls, and to communicate with them in ways that help them to understand each other. (This works both ways.)

You say 'her school', so I presume that you are not at school with her. You know that there are boys there, and you are not with her to protect her, or see how boys are behaving towards her, or, indeed, to see how she behaves towards them. This is bound to affect you.

The big question is ~ do you trust her?
If you trust her, then there should be be no need for jealousy.
Jealousy is destructive ~ and it is telling her that you do not trust her.

What to do?

Try to examine what you are feeling & why?

Write down the occasions when you feel or have felt jealous.

By writing these things down, you can sort them out in your mind and look at them in a more detached manner.

What caused them?

Was there any real reason for the jealousy?

How far were your reactions logical & how far were they illogical?

Did the girl respond in ways that fed your jealousy?
Or did she reassure you?

Have you argued over this and made mountains out of molehills?

What do you think she might say, if she were to post on here?

See if you can look at this objectively and find out where things went wrong.

Then try to talk to her.

Try to explain why you were doing what you did and see if there are ways around it.

Long-term, you will need to ensure that this is dealt with, or it could affect any future relationships ~ unless, as you mature, you grow out of it, which is possible.

If you cannot deal with this on your own, then I recommend relationship counselling.

She is in college she goes to school way upstate and im in the city. She has lied about little things but nothing big. I have had lots of trust issues with her but everyone around me says i have no reason not to trust her. I have also been involved with many untrustworthy women in my past. This is my first real relationship and i do really care for this person. I also have anxiety issues so im looking into counsiling.

Well, if she has lied before, and you are not with her most days to see the truth for yourself, then the jealousy thing is a little more understandable. Not good, but understandable.

By the way, how do you know that lots of boys at her school try to talk to her?
How do you know that she says she is not interested?
Have you discussed this?

Perhaps you have been affected by your previous relationships, and so need more reasurance than usual ~ especially if this girl means so much to you. The anxiety won't help ~ so yes, get counselling.

Perhaps you could write to her.

You could explain
~that you really care for her
~and that you know that the issue of your jealousy is doing harm ~and that you are trying to address it.

Remind her
~ that you tend to be anxious
~ you are suffering because of the legacy of untrustworthy women
~ you are hoping to get counselling to help with all this

Explain
~that she is so special to you that you automatically think that other boys will find her special too
~that you are worried that you might lose her ~ especially as she is surrounded by lots of boys at school and you are not even there with her; not protecting her; not sharing time with her; not being part of, or knowing much about, that aspect of her life.
~That you are naturally envious of those who do share this time with her
~Admit that you can be jealous of the other boys in her life, and apologise for this, but ask her to try to understand

Tell her
~that you will try to curb the jealousy
~that you feel that you should be happy, as long as you are the only special boy in her life
~that because of the past, and your personality, and the fact that you & she spend your days apart, you just need extra reassurance.

Be careful about how you go about this one, but try to ensure that there will be no more lies between you in future.

As they say: If you want to be trusted, tell the truth!

Only say the things that are true and that resonate for you, of course, and, if you can patch this up, try to spend quality time together & try to honestly share stories of your days.

Good luck!

It is probably the most illogical of all emotions. It has no real use, no real structure but it exsists.

Being jealous is normally a manifestation of ones own insecurities. We all get jealous and insecure but its how we deal with it that defines us as a person. You either control it or controls you.

You need to take control of your situation and make it better. If you can't stop being jealous than how can you possiblely be with anyone? It will just end up destroying you, then you become trapped in your own mind fueling your own paranoir.

Thats my take on being jealous from my own personal experience. I am happy to say that it no longer controls me.

so now ive been down all day and i get to talk to her and i show jelousy again and she gets upset and crys then says thats how i act that she doesnt like. Everytime i talk to her i try to keep it basic and general but it always goes into me telling her how much i want to be with her in some way. She has alot of new guy friends at school. I found that one of them do like her and he reminds her of me (funny right). She tells me she is not interested in being with anybody at the time and wants to focus on school. I want to fix it just not sure if i have the energy to. Recently she has ignored my calls and text messages is there any hope or should i just move on.

If she is saying she wants to be by herself and doesnt want to be with anyone there is nothing on this green earth you can do about it. Yeah you can sort your jealousy problems out but you have to do that for you and not for a girl.

My ex told me that she wants to be single just over 2 weeks ago. There was nothing wrong with the relationship, no trust issues no arguements, we got on well and we both gave each other a lot of space and freedom. However she feels she needs to be alone right now. Its an hard pill to swallow especially when nothing is wrong and she told me i done nothing wrong. It is hard to deal with, infact i would have much rather an ugly break up because it would have been easier to deal with. However this is completely out of my control and i hate that feeling of not being in control.

Your ex wants to be alone, that is beyond your control now. You can try and repiar it but the more you nag her the more you will push her away. I have not called my ex since we split up and believe me it has been hard but sometimes we just have to accept and respect their feelings.

I know how you feel right now. That horrible sinking feeling in the hole where your stomarch used to be is killing you. I know it hurts. But the best thing i can do and you can is to try and accept it and find peace with it. I wish you all the best and i hope you get through but if i were i would do my best not to contact her.

It's normal that you want to be with her, but if she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, well, as Nicky says, there is nothing that you can do about it.

She is young and has possibly just outgrown that relationship. Yes, it is hard to accept, but these things happen all the time with young people.

Time heals.
You will find the right person. It may or may not turn out to be her.

Can you just explain exactly what you mean when you talk about expressing jealousy?

i was on the pone once and a guy friend of hers is playing with her while im on the phone. it annoyed me and i ignored it. then he says tell him i said bye. and then i sparked off. i do not know this guy she just meet him. Then she says "oh its just greg that how he is he is funny" and im the bad guy when im pretty sure greg did that on purpose.

we speak casually nowadays and she still tells me she loves me at the end of the conversion. Said she doesnt call cause she is busy with school. i still want her back im suppose to go visit her on the 31st of october. That will be the day i prove i changed. She is fine with me visiting also. So im still confused a little. Get signs that she wants to be with me yet she doesnt.????!?!?!??!