RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Stuck in a bad cycle

My ex wife and I had some issues which led to a divorce but we went our seperate ways and then got back together, well attempted to do so. we have 3 small children and have discussed that we both really love each other still. In the middle of this whole working things out, I accepted a position that took me about 3000 miles from home. Bad move right. Well, when I took the job We were just living together and not really together. Then after I'm allthis way away she wants to talk about getting back together for good. Biggest issue is I have serious control/jealousy issues. that I was never aware of till she started pointing them out. I've read all the self help articles and they all point to confronting the issue. well its never a good time for her it seemed so being a control person i pushed it every time and we have been fighting for about two weeks straight everyday. Then recently she told me that I am too much for her and she is just over it. and does not want to work on things.

Given that we both love each other and love our children and had agreed to stick with me as I work through my issues. Does anyone out there think that I should do as I'm thinking and just lay low for a while and then try and apologize? I obviously think that it can still be worked out, but does it sound rational. Its crazy how when we split up shes okay with it and usually "handles" the breakup. but when I find someone else then she's right there wanting to take me back. I'll always have feelings for her and she has bared my children. This is my ex wife and I pay her basic living bills, and make sure my children have everything they need. Keep in mind they don't live in an immaculate place, but I do well in my business. I figure it's the least I can do. But she always says how great I am.. except for the jealousy.. I'm lost and in limbo right now.. please help if anyone can..

Hello Wonderdoodle & welcome!

This seems very telling to me.
You loved each other enough to get married.
'Issues' led to a divorce.
You loved each other enough to get back together.
Issues are foiling this attempt.

Personally, I think that children need their parents.
Usually, children like to have their parents together, with them.
If you two love each other, & love your kids, then my gut feeling is that you should all be together.
However, getting together, or staying together, 'for the sake of the children', is not considered to be a good idea.
You need to be together because you want to be together.
If that is not the case, then your children will sense it.
They certainly won't enjoy listening to jealous arguments or angry silences.
Whatever you choose to do, though, you should be part of their lives ~ and it would be lovely for them to know that their parents love each other, even if they cannot live together.

So was it just she who wanted to get back together? Hadn't you considered it?
I don't quite follow how you 'were just living together and not really together'.
You say that you were 'In the middle of this whole working things out' ~ you don't usually move thousands of miles away when you are 'working things out'.

Well, if it's true, at least you admit it ~ which is a good start.
Are these the 'issues' that keep getting in the way?
I wonder, do you feel that your ex-wife has 'issues' too?
Have you pointed any out to her?
(After all, no-one is perfect)

Just by accepting your faults you are beginning to confront them

The thing is, one way to deal with problems is to discuss them.
To me, it seems that she has pointed out your faults, but does not want to discuss how, as a couple, you can deal with any issues surrounding them.
Why is it 'never a good time for her'?
If she wants to try again, then you will both need to make time for each other, and for mending the broken bits of your relationship.
This is something the two of you will have to do.
I'm not sure that it is being 'controlling' to want to discuss these issues with an ex-wife who wishes to re-marry ~ but I'm not there; you know the situation & I don't.
Arguing about how to solve the problems and get back together seems a bit ironic, to say the least.

She 'does not want to work on things'. Why not?
How are you going to make this relationship work if she 'does not want to work on things'?


It seems to me that, if you love each other and your kids and want to be together, then you need outside counselling.
You are blaming each other for issues which you cannot work through ~ for whatever reason.
If this is going to work ~ and where there's a will ~ and love ~ there should be a way ~ you need professional counselling to help you sort things out.

What are you going to apologise for?
For going away, when there was a chance of re-kindling your marriage?
For accepting her conclusion, that you are jealous and controlling?
For wanting to do something about it?
For trying to talk it through with her?
What do you, personally, think that you have done wrong?

Does what sound rational?
Getting back together?
Or your ex's response to things?
If you think that this can be worked out, and it's what you both want, then go for it!

Now, you see, to me, this sounds a little like 'control/jealousy issues'.
Perhaps you both have them?

Hhmm ~ 'the least I can do'. That sounds like a business deal.
So, you will look after them financially, and care about them, whatever happens.
The point is, you have mentioned 'when I find someone else', so are you sure that you do want to go back to your wife?
Are you in love with her?
Do you see a joint future for the two of you?
If so, does she share these views?
If so, get counselling!

Do you say how great she is?
Does she ever find 'someone else'?
Do you think that she is transposing her jealousy onto you?
~ because she wants to be with you and doesn't like to see you with other women?
~ because she wants to be with you and doesn't understand why, when you had the chance to mend fences, you travelled 3000 miles away?
~ because she always says how great you are, but doesn't hear it in return? (Or maybe she does??)
~ because she is looking after three little kids and knows that you are doing well in business, meeting lots of staff & clients ~ including glamourous ladies?

You see, it may just be that she didn't wish to continue the conversation about your jealousy, because it would bring up her jealousy, and she didn't want to make herself vulnerable.
Women often expect their menfolk to know how they feel, without them actually saying it.
Maybe some of the points I made above ~ and maybe some others ~ were bothering her and she was upset that you couldn't see this.

This is the sort of thing addressed in the popular books on the differences between male and female brains. I keep mentioning the Venus & Mars books by Gray, and also the Pease books. I really think that they help people to understand and communicate with the opposite sex. I'm guessing that you coud find some in a library.

All of these things explain why you would benefit from counselling.

Whatever you do, please do not let the children get mixed up in a messy situation ~ not understanding what is going on; having their hopes raised and then allowing them to be disappointed, etc. etc. etc. etc. You will know the sort of things that can happen.

Good luck ~ to all your family!

Oh wow, thank you for the response. Okay let's see if I can sum up the answers to all your questions. I have always been deeply in love with her. She says she loves me but is not in love with me at this point. We were living together out of convenience and for the children and only after I found out that I would be leaving did she bring up the possibility of getting back together. Part of me said she was only in it for the money, but my loving half still says that this is my wife no matter divorce or not, and that I need to trust her. so we compromised, and set up a joint account where I transfer money. Yes, we were planning on getting counselling when I get back. And trust me, where I'm at there are no book stores and no councellors so everything has to come from the internet. Yes the problems escalate when we hit subjects that she doesnt want to talk about, only says that we should forget the past and move on. but my issues with her all reside in the past so its a catch 22 here.

all in all I thank you for the response but fear that matters have escalated. Tried to call and talk to my children and then talked to her for only a few seconds when she said oh by the way I'm getting a new phone and this one will be shut off so if you want to talk to your kids you will have to mail them a phone. So I guess instead of worrying about if or how I can make this work, I am going to have to seek legal counselling instead of therapy. Now the angry beast has come out and she's not happy with me just paying the bills, she wants more money from me in child support. So I sent her a nice email telling her we don't need to go to court that I'm still paying the bills, and that she can't blackmail me using our children as bait. So I guess she was using me for the money all along. That's why she never wanted to talk about her. Said it was just convenient to be with me since their my kids and that it would be easier to fix my problems knowing what they are rather than to find a new man and have to figure out what his problems are then fix his problems. And this whole time she led me to believe I was crazy.

But thanks for the quick reply..

Well, yes, it did appear from your post that you had accepted that the problems were all on your side ~ but that isn't, necessarily, how it came over to me.

She didn't seem willing to work on the marriage and/or maybe had jealousy issues.
It seems that you have now found out what it was.

I hope that you can work something out, that will enable you to retain a good relationship with your children.